The power of the ex

[Se****]

**I need to start this with a disclaimer. This writing has nothing to do with how the event organisers have handled the situation - they have responded appropriately to what they’ve been asked. They have a thankless job of dealing with this kind of thing and I have huge respect for them trying to keep everybody happy and safe**
 

I have an ex, I’m sure we all do. He is well known in the scene and has been around for a long time. I however am completely new to the scene and despite my online presence I have never actually attended an event. 

My ex ended things earlier this year for a variety of reasons that I still don’t fully understand - me not spending enough time with him and him meeting someone new were just 2 of them. It was not an amicable split in the sense that the way he did it broke me somewhat but also turned me slightly irrational. I contacted him a LOT in the immediate aftermath trying to find answers, disbelieving that he no longer loved me/wanted to marry me/that I wasn’t the girl in his dreams. He, as was his right, ignored me for the most part. It was done and dusted as far as he was concerned and he’d moved on. 

He still had/has things belonging to me and I’m still waiting for him to return photos but 🤷🏼‍♀️
 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We’d had no contact for a few months but I had a dream something bad has happened to him. So, I contacted him (I was right in my dream) and we managed to converse politely off and on for a couple of weeks. He told me he’d never wanted to argue, wanted the best for me and wanted me to remain in his life (as an acquaintance/friend). 

All good. Or so I thought. 

An event was advertised, I’ve always wanted to go to an event, it was on one of my rare days off. So I placed myself on the maybe list, asked a friend to take me. 

I couldn’t see his name or his new partners name on the list and so (my first mistake) I messaged him to see if they were going - I needed to prepare myself mentally if they were as I knew seeing them together would be difficult. Stupidly I also didn’t want to tread on their toes (my second mistake), I assumed he would be happy for me and encouraging (my third mistake). 

When he eventually deigned to reply he told me that they were going to the event and requested that I DID NOT go not only to that event but to any events they were attending for the foreseeable future. 

To say I was furious was an understatement. I replied explaining that I ought to be allowed to move on with my life the way he has, reminded him how difficult it is for me to find time to attend events (work/home life commitments) and told him that I’d only mentioned my attendance out of politeness and would not accept him controlling what I could/couldn’t do. 

I feel justified in my response and that I as the person who got hurt and left in this whole process should be the one to be concerned if he is at an event not the other way around. I really believe it would be harder for me to see them together at an event than for them to see me. And frankly we’re all adults who ought to be able to be polite/civil to each other or stay in separate areas. 

Next thing, I get a message from the event organisers requesting that I do not attend the event. Now I TOTALLY appreciate why they have done it, they have little choice if someone’s contacted them to say there’s an issue. But, as the issue isn’t one of harm/consent *** or anything else simply him not wanting to be in the same space as me surely the onus ought to be on him not to attend and not have me blocked?

I’m aware I sound like a petulant child but it really doesn’t seem fair that he still has this level of control over me. My presence or lack thereof at an event should be neither here nor there to him. I just want to be able to move on and live my life the way I see fit and I don’t understand why he won’t allow that. 

I get that I shouldn’t have given him the power to have an opinion, I should have just gone to the event. So I guess it is my own fault. 

Again, I need to say for the avoidance of any doubt. I do not blame or hold the event organisers responsible for any of this. They have been put in a difficult situation and can only work with the information they have been given. I am an unknown entity, he is not. I am exceptionally grateful to know that they act to look out for everyone. My annoyance is solely with my ex. 

[na****]

I don't have any advice beyond that you should discuss this further with the organisers but from what you have written, you are not the asshole here.

[Se****]

2 hours ago, naru said:

I don't have any advice beyond that you should discuss this further with the organisers but from what you have written, you are not the asshole here.

I’d like to think so. But every story has 2 sides so perhaps I am the asshole feeling wrongly accused 🤷🏼‍♀️
 

Thank you though. I won’t discuss it further with the organisers for 2 reasons, the most important being they shouldn’t have to deal with this level of childishness and secondly for *** I get a permanent ban for speaking out of turn x

[Deleted Member]

Why are relationships so stressful. Me personally do want to be with some one but am more put of by all the hassle 😂

[Deleted Member]

Also ty for your post I love gossip and that was great as gossip goes.

[typhoon2]

As an event organiser I would never assume one story has greater validity than another, but in the kink world it's rather tricky to ascertain facts - there are no court orders siezing computers or interviews under caution. It sounds like he has exaggerated or lied about how you might react since otherwise there is no reason to bar you. Have you asked WHY you're not welcome? I know some events like to have an air of mystery as to what their stance is on banning and who is barred, but it's not unreasonable to seek clarification. While it's their event and their rules common courtesy (and professionalism, if commercial) would suggest giving a reason. At the very least both parties should be excluded if there's a conflict possibility, not taking sides in such a manner.

[CopperKnob]

I would want to know the organisers reasons but understand your reticence to ask for *** of the situation escalating.
What's he going to do if he sees you in Tesco? Ask the manager to escort you out?

[Ar****]

The party who sounds like the "petulant child" here is your ex, not you. I'm not surprised you feel furious+ 😔

[EMandM]

If the event organisers said you couldn't go because your ex asked them not to, f*ck them! Seems like a dick shit thing to do to without getting all sides. I'd guess they're power hungry idiots, personally 🙂. Plus, your ex needs to grow the feck up. If he ended it, what's his problem? Maybe he's scared you'll speak to his new partner and tell them something he doesn't want known?

[Se****]

2 hours ago, typhoon2 said:

As an event organiser I would never assume one story has greater validity than another, but in the kink world it's rather tricky to ascertain facts - there are no court orders siezing computers or interviews under caution. It sounds like he has exaggerated or lied about how you might react since otherwise there is no reason to bar you. Have you asked WHY you're not welcome? I know some events like to have an air of mystery as to what their stance is on banning and who is barred, but it's not unreasonable to seek clarification. While it's their event and their rules common courtesy (and professionalism, if commercial) would suggest giving a reason. At the very least both parties should be excluded if there's a conflict possibility, not taking sides in such a manner.

The organisers have said I’m not barred per se but that I don’t attend events that he will be at. So they’ve said I can attend November's event but not October’s. 

The message from them simply said for reasons we’re sure you’re aware of. 

[EMandM]

4 minutes ago, Freetobare said:

The organisers have said I’m not barred per se but that I don’t attend events that he will be at. So they’ve said I can attend November's event but not October’s. 

The message from them simply said for reasons we’re sure you’re aware of. 

Sounds like he's being a bit of a tit and maybe best not to frequent any events they put on, if they're willing to act like that. Yes, it's their event and they can decide who and who doesn't come but what makes him so special?! You come across as level headed, but obviously hurt. Nothing you should feel bad about or be punished. If they don't want you there, it's certainly their loss. 🙂

[na****]

3 hours ago, Freetobare said:

I’d like to think so. But every story has 2 sides so perhaps I am the asshole feeling wrongly accused 🤷🏼‍♀️
 

Thank you though. I won’t discuss it further with the organisers for 2 reasons, the most important being they shouldn’t have to deal with this level of childishness and secondly for *** I get a permanent ban for speaking out of turn x

Organizers have a responsibility to deal with stuff and not just take sides but next time just don't even ask your ex. Good luck.

[ca****]

Sounds about as NON inclusive as you could imagine......   

 

Not the best advice but maybe ask yourself if you really want to be involved with people who really do 'act' this way!!???

[ge****]

A difficult one indeed and perhaps it's best you don't attend, not because you've been asked not to, but because of the possible feelings it could give rise to - was aware of a similar situation on another site (where no requests were made in any form) but the person concerned was determined to go despite knowing an ex "meet" would be there with someone else (and it literally was just a previous person she'd met as opposed to had a relationship with though she clearly had feelings for him) - she went, and had a complete meltdown when she saw him and his new meet together.
.
Now I'm not saying that's how you'd react, and totally get your reasons for wanting to know if he was going so you could prepare yourself mentally, but even with that mental preparation do you honestly know how you'd react? And that's why I say it's probably best you don't go, for your own protection more than anything else.
.
Now has he dealt with this well? Absolutely not, he should have done the right thing and either said he wouldn't go this month, but perhaps would go the following month, or taken the "we're all adults and can be civil" approach if he was attending and left you to decide for yourself if you wanted to go - BUT all of that should have been in communication with you and not the organisers.
.
The organisers have been placed in a very difficult position, but at the same time if he's active and "known" to them, have perhaps acted unfairly by siding with him because of that and really should have given you the option to attend and perhaps suggested he didn't - but they really shouldn't even have been involved in the first place.

[Deleted Member]

You are sweet in trying to think "fairly" about your ex, but this situation shows he is not a grown up. He should be compromising about attending events. In the future if things calm down, you should talk to him of a compromise... if he will ever calm down?.🤷‍♀️

[ey****]

there's a lot of stuff where there are disputes between people where finding a solution in the middle is often difficult.

There are a number of events in the region your ex does not attend at all; and I also understand that even some he does are infrequent.   The general advice I would give : the organisers will respect most compromises above 'sloppy seconds' so if you approach saying you wish to attend an event which he also attends that they'd offer some form of a "you go this one, he goes next" (or vice versa) at the worst.

You can also use this to become known and also in the background continue to patch things so you can be amicable being in a shared space - a lot of the events and venues are quite small.

What I understand was that the excessive calling and messaging you made at the time, which you mention in this post, was claimed to be bordering on harassment - and if this was the other way round you could see why someone was backed.   I think time is a big healer and this is something which can be worked through.

[Se****]

8 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

there's a lot of stuff where there are disputes between people where finding a solution in the middle is often difficult.

There are a number of events in the region your ex does not attend at all; and I also understand that even some he does are infrequent.   The general advice I would give : the organisers will respect most compromises above 'sloppy seconds' so if you approach saying you wish to attend an event which he also attends that they'd offer some form of a "you go this one, he goes next" (or vice versa) at the worst.

You can also use this to become known and also in the background continue to patch things so you can be amicable being in a shared space - a lot of the events and venues are quite small.

What I understand was that the excessive calling and messaging you made at the time, which you mention in this post, was claimed to be bordering on harassment - and if this was the other way round you could see why someone was backed.   I think time is a big healer and this is something which can be worked through.

Interesting. Thank you

[Selkiewithscars]

I mean, actions have consequences…

 

[Se****]

1 hour ago, Selkiewithscars said:

I mean, actions have consequences…

 

Indeed they do. 

[na****]

1 hour ago, u-63448bb0941dc said:

I mean, actions have consequences…

 

You created an account today to come here and say that...