Question for other Doms

[Se****]

I had a recent first time experience with a submissive. He said he was very inexperienced but really excited to explore. I resisted having a session right off the bat, but he really wanted to, so I gave in (first mistake, I know). I asked what he liked, limits, what he’d like to experience during an initial session, etc. I thought all was well.
We had our session, and I felt it was pretty tame. He got naked, knelt and put his hands behind his back. I used a flogger, crop, paddle on him (all agreed beforehand). All light, nothing too hard. He sucked a dildo (that was unexpected for him I think). I restrained his hands. And I jerked him off. All pretty tame stuff in my mind. I also checked in with him regularly, asking if it was ok, and he said all good. Afterwards I checked in again, he said all was good. He left pretty quickly, at his own action (I did not ask him to leave).
I asked him to tell me when he got home, which he did.
But then he immediately blocked me with no reason why. So I have no way of knowing what I did wrong.
So my question is, how do I deal with that? And how do I learn from my mistakes?

[ge****]

Sadly you may never know whether it was your mistakes or not - maybe on reflection he decided submissive wasn't for him and wasn't able to express that to you, maybe he experienced feelings of guilt (for any number of reasons) and yes maybe it was something you did/didn't do but you'll likely never know the real reason, so all you can do is chalk it up to experience.

[Deleted Member]

It happens to a lot of us. I have found that a lot of male subs, especially in here, think they want to be a sub but when they have an experience or close to an experience they freak out. Sometimes I think it's because in the moment they let themselves be *** and then later are like, "What the heck did I just do?" Then they are gone. No explanation, no goodbye and we're left wondering, what the heck happened.

Try not to take it personally. It sounds like you did what you could about being communicative and making sure he was okay. The choices they make after that is up to them.

[Ho****]

It speaks well of you that you want to learn from your mistakes and Gemini has valid and thoughtful observations. But you already identified your mistake: you had a session right off the bat. You're the one with both experience and control. Even if someone's enthusiasm is infectious, it's important not to dive in too fast.

[Obediently_defiant]

Unfortunately it happens to both Dom/me/sub. I am submissive and it happens more than you think. To me it is childish on their part. This lifestyle requires communication it is a very important piece. And if they did not effectively communicate what was going on it is on them. As for you learning from your mistakes. Maybe make sure there are distinct codes to say where they or you are at. Like red, yellow, green. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

[Bru1997]

You were very considerate and respectful. I dont think you did anything wrong. And it seems you communicated well beforehand and kept checkin in on them. There loss if they just gonna block you. Very nice you gave him a shot even though was inexperienced. Or else how he gonna improve or decide sub isnt for him. You didnt do anything wrong

[ca****]

Without knowing what 'went' wrong or 'why'... i don't see how you can learn or start to learn... other than learn from the experience.

 

I think in a way you answer your own question by stating your first mistake....   

Maybe unknowingly sucking a dildo came as a shock to him.

Also i assume he had his 'own' reason/s for leaving quickly / blocking ... but again  you will never know them if the communication has ended.

 

Not sure you can really get a satisfactory answer as to why or how to deal with it other than  learn what you can from this experience.

Edited October 19, 2022 by callipygian

[UK****]

10 hours ago, Sedina said:

I resisted having a session right off the bat, but he really wanted to, so I gave in (first mistake, I know).

I don't think it would have made a difference.  Nor do I suspect you did anything wrong from what you said.  As others have said there are many reasons why he did what he did, unfortunately you won't know now.

Chalk it up to experience, reast assured that you are doing the right things to make a scene work.

[Deleted Member]

As other people have already commented, I'm not sure you did anything wrong.
I've always found that there needs to be a connection between a Dom and sub for it to work, and maybe it is simply that he didn't feel that, but rather than saying that, he took the cowards way out by blocking you.
That being the case, and of course we're all only hypothesising because we don't know his rationale, I'm not sure there is a lot you can learn, other than, with a similar character, it could happen again.

[Deleted Member]

You haven't done anything wrong at all. Some people, and in saying this I'm unfortunately pointing towards the larger majority of the population, don't have the figurative balls to speak truthfully and they lack the emotional maturity to grow them. Though, the fact that he was inexperienced speaks in and of itself. Being in the position of a submissive, especially your first time around, can be ultimately confronting in terms of vulnerability as it is one of the most *** positions to be in. He probably scared himself off and didn't have the emotional backbone, nor the decency to communicate that to you. Casual BDSM rarely works anyway as it's completely missing the point.

[Deleted Member]

Sounds like you did a lot right. Talked about the scene before hand and checking in with him regularly throughout. I'd suggest you get to know potential subs a bit more before hand. At least a chat over coffee or a couple of meets before a play date. Oh well, it's his loss at the end of the day.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with most of the responses. I would definitely get to know the sub more by going out and communicating over coffee or a place lunch. Find out there wants and needs for the scene. I always ask before hand why do they consider themselves a sub. It helps me get more insight into their mentality. Maybe this sub just wanted the experience and realized it wasn’t for them. I always say some people just want to be a sub in there mind. At least you checked up on him which is a huge bonus.

[Lord_Talion]

You got used, plain n simple.

In my opinion the action with the genitalia was a submisive act which had gone too far for a D to consider. Maybe next time have them get to know what makes you tick first

[50****]

A masculine deprived male who had an interest bound up with insecurities. - I think it’s more of internal questioning than externally motivated.

Don’t take it to heart

[ki****]

Speaking as a male sub, it’s probably someone who wanted to try something without giving it proper thought and just went for it. Sadly leaving you in the dust which is always shitty.

[Deleted Member]

There was another forum, and a Domme was blocked after she was very nice to them. I would like to believe he had a change of mind, but most likely like Lord Talian said "You got used". Very sorry to say this. You have to watch out for these types, and carefully vetting them which includes time. There are good Sub/Bottoms, but it takes time.

[Deleted Member]

Would like to add. There people who get a kick saying they have no experiences, or use it as a bait. You have to watch out for this.