Needed to be said

[se****]

You don’t need 10 years of experience to have a healthy d/s relationship.

If both parties are happy in the relationship, whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it right.
I see so many people get told

“You’re not a real dom because…” ect or “you’re not a real sub because…” ect.
We need to normalize not telling people that they’re not something, because they don’t go about their dynamic the way we do. Or want them to.


I don’t wanna make this too long. but I was on another website where people just post about their experiences and tell their stories. So there’s a sub telling her story. She’s like 2 months into this new lifestyle, pretty inexperienced. But she’s in a d/s relationship, she’s telling about how she feels like she has the perfect dom.
How she acts as a new sub
How her dom treats her
How they’re just completely compatible.
And more About her becoming a sub ect.

And there’s multiple people commenting under it saying “subs don’t act like that” “you’re not a real sub because” “you can’t call yourself a sub yet” “you’re vanilla” and it’s disturbing, that I’m the only one on the post defending this woman.

It’s not fair that we can tell someone that they’re not what they claim to be just because they go about their dynamic differently then we might in ours. Or because they go about their role in a different way.

A lot of people feel like everyone is supposed to play the role how they do, or do things the way they would.
If the relationship is healthy, and both people are happy/comfortable and satisfied. There should be no reason someone tells them that they’re doing something wrong.


I feel like it’s good to give opinions, advice, and suggestions. But telling shaming someone, then telling them how they should/shouldn’t be in their own dynamic, Is asinine.


I’ve experienced this in my first couple months and years. Although I’d be in a healthy relationship, me and the other party are happy. I’d share my stories, and still get told “you’re not a real dom because you’re supposed to be doing it this way” “you’re not a real dom because you don’t have enough experience”

And that can be really confusing at first, it makes you question everything you do. Start changing everything you do, you start going about everything a different way. even if it’s not the way you’re happy with or wanted.


Am i the only one who’s seeing/experienced these things?

[CopperKnob]

You're correct. You don't need 10yrs of experience to be a 'good' Dom or sub etc and there is no one way of D/s, although some believe that there is and if that's their perspective we don't get to tell them otherwise because clearly that's their perspective and what makes them happy.
As long as whatever is going on is both safe and consensual no one should be 'shaming' others
What we all should be open to is discussion, acknowledging different opinions and learning from that
All of which, I've commented on your previous OP and is what caused you to become upset with me, resulting on you asking that I don't comment on your OP's again.
Good to see that through reading other peoples thoughts you're considering other approaches.

[ey****]

this is something which is particularly bad on unspecified other websites.

Dynamics are, ultimately, personal - and if two people have a structure that works for them then, well, other people's gatekeeping is unimportant.

The only slight caveat is to also remember this and if your dynamic ends and/or you seek something with someone else - that ideas and what works for them may differ to your previous dynamic and that doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with them nor 'wrong' with your previous dynamic, it's just not going to work.

[Deleted Member]

Obviously we only have your second hand
account to go from, but regardless whether it's Ds or vanilla or anything else if someone is two months into a relationship and saying they've nailed it and their partner is perfectly compatible for them I'm always going to be sceptical! 😜
Come back after that new relationship energy wears off and tell us things are the same! 😊
Hormones are a bitch sometimes. Of course, there's no point telling someone that since once that NRE kicks in you just have to ride the wave till gravity kicks back in.
Not to say they're "always" wrong of course but....statistically it's quite likely.
And yea, I'd certainly be much less sceptical if someone tells me they're quite experienced in Ds and can tell me exactly WHY they're compatible.
But it has nothing to do with their being a right or wrong way of any particular dynamic and everything to do with human nature and how people tend to fall into relationships.