Has anyone managed to have a long term, commited vanilla relationship?

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, wycombe680 said:

You like the idea of giving control and be put in your place. Vanilla men can't understand that

Yeah it's kind of ironic really as he valued traditional gender roles but would he spank me...not a chance.

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for the replies. It's interesting hearing other people's experiences. And  it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only person that's struggled with it. I think as I have gotten older my tolerance for beige sex has diminished. I thought though if there were feelings involved it wouldn't matter. 

 

Also re- kink I've experimented with TPE days and I liked that. I've also noticed that I have a tendency to go for Alpha males too and he didn't really have those qualities.

[No****]

I was married for 13 years and the last years we together discovered BDSM. I wanted to take D/s further than her. It was not the only reason for divorce but it played a part in it.

[Dr****]

@YesDaddyYes while I think you can find a vanilla relationship where someone is just not aware and willing to try it. But if they don’t have those Alpha Dominant qualities you are likely to not feel entirely engaged. I think if we was happy with vanilla since vanilla is so easy to find compared to a lasting DS or kink relationship we likely would be doing that. But for many of us restricting the dating pool for what we really want and need in life is worth it. I rather have a long term relationship, but I can have a list of kinky play partners easily so no reason to except anything but what meets my needs and for the other person to find the same.

[Deleted Member]

I was with my wife for 8 years (separated 4 years ago) in a very vanilla relationship. I always knew there was something missing and that I craved more I just didn’t know what that was. I wanted to experience the BDSM side of things, had a dramatically higher sex drive, and was open to trying new things however she was the complete opposite. When we did separate (not due to those differences) I fully embraced this life and “found myself” as it were. Now I couldn’t be in a vanilla relationship, nor would I want to be. It’s not something I’m willing to compromise on any more.

[Deleted Member]

I’m vanilla I’m just finding out what vanilla is so I’m learning myself but I need a strong sex drive woman
I’m kinky just ain’t find all the kinkiness in myself but I’m a freak in the bedroom and I’d like to have multiple orgasms freshly performing to my partner
I’m new and still learning but I’m definitely a hunter Not pray

[xi****]

I have the same issue

[ma****]

I had vanilla relationships in the past and I didn't feel fulfilled. I will never even consider a vanilla relationship. I will not even consider a relationship with just a kinkster. I need a power exchange relationship.

[TinaAndFran]

Had picked doms before and they were jerks so picked a super nice guy and he is learning g to dom. We are together eight years and it took 7 for me to admit that I need the kink and the play to really let go and have fun. It is hard for him to do *** and role play since he thinks he is being mean and is learning that it is part of the deal. Lol. Very happy.

[St****]

If I'm seeing someone, who I met "out in the wild" and along the way it becomes clear, that a possible upcoming relationship will be vanilla, then , 9 times out of ten, I will ✋️ it beforehand. 

Simply because I know myself and so I know, that after a couple  of weeks, I will start to get bored and annoyed and the kinkster in me is screaming to be let out. So I'm simply saving the both of us a lot of dissapointment and grieve.  At least, that's what I think.

Sounds really straight forward and pragmatic and on the one side it is. But on the other side it's pretty tiring, sad and frustrating. Sometimes so bad, that I start to doubt myself. Although I am completely honest about it and make clear that it isn't the other person, but it's me , I get very strong, angry and emotional reactions, which very often end up in backbiting and the spreading of the most outrageous stories about me, based on nothing but  misplaced feelings of justice, and/or vegeance..

 

[Deleted Member]

I have had "vanilla" relationships and sex. Was boring, was a chore to do and now I have. Someone who is kinky like me sex is fun and amazing

[ar****]

I get it I tried vanilla but it wasn’t worth potential breakup

[bi****]

What is a vanilla relationship?

[ar****]

What is considered normal in society is my best answer

[Bo****]

Welp I had a vanilla relationship for 12 years. The last 2 were kink and saved us tbh, but the foundations of the rocky relationship came crashing down. I only look for kink based partners now, couldn’t go back to vanilla. The bond between Dom and sub I feel like is stronger than bf & gf, not sure if anyone gets me on that. You need such a high level of trust for kink and sometimes in a relationship alone without kink the trust isn’t that high anyway…

[Fr****]

Honestly agree with you ever since I realize what my kink is and I want a person vanilla just isn’t the same anymore

[Deleted Member]

15 hours ago, BornToBeBratty said:

Welp I had a vanilla relationship for 12 years. The last 2 were kink and saved us tbh, but the foundations of the rocky relationship came crashing down. I only look for kink based partners now, couldn’t go back to vanilla. The bond between Dom and sub I feel like is stronger than bf & gf, not sure if anyone gets me on that. You need such a high level of trust for kink and sometimes in a relationship alone without kink the trust isn’t that high anyway…

I totally agree on the bond being stronger in D/s relationships thing.

[DeviantInside]

15 hours ago, BornToBeBratty said:

Welp I had a vanilla relationship for 12 years. The last 2 were kink and saved us tbh, but the foundations of the rocky relationship came crashing down. I only look for kink based partners now, couldn’t go back to vanilla. The bond between Dom and sub I feel like is stronger than bf & gf, not sure if anyone gets me on that. You need such a high level of trust for kink and sometimes in a relationship alone without kink the trust isn’t that high anyway…

I definitely agree there is an extra level of trust, which requires perhaps a greater understanding of each other and a resulting intimacy. It also harbours a greater feeling of acceptance, I feel, that someone wants to be with you for all that you are. Even if your vanilla partner is aware of and accepts you have a kink past you are still shutting away a part of you to be with that person and they don’t have the experience to fully understand it either. And while it’s a generalisation I have found the friends I have made on the scene to be some of the most interesting, open, welcoming and diverse people I have met. When I moved out of London to Woking I missed my kink social circle. Have been addressing that with munches etc so I think regardless of a personal relationship I wouldn’t want to cut myself off from the kink community.

[Ro****]

On 10/24/2022 at 9:34 AM, YesDaddyYes said:

I've recently broken up with someone I was seeing for four months, and one of the reasons was the fact that he was vanilla. I thought I'd be happy with the intimacy and wouldn't miss kink as much as I did. I mean when I'm single it's just me and my right hand and a vivid imagination so I didn't think it'd be that big of a deal but it was. Has anyone else had similar difficulties or had quite happy vanilla relationships?

well, I feel a bit more comfortable in reading that someone else has some difficulties too in a long term vanilla relationship. Personally, but please this is just my personal opinion, it's coming hard now for me too to try to have a vanilla relationship and not because I'm too strange or mad as a person to have one, but because playing a role where a can express and unchained my fantasy and my partner's fantasy well, it gets me more involved in every aspect of myself, even in love. And of course even in my pleasure, but as I said, this is just my opinion

[Deleted Member]

This is the Bane of my existence. My bondage kink isn’t something I just “Tried for kicks or fun” girls bound n gagged have driven me crazy since I swear I was six. Always had to hide it most of my life and when trying to date can never find girls into it. If they do it just to make me happy it’s almost as bad as them laughing at the idea of it. Normal sex and nudity just doesn’t do it for me. Enter mid life crisis with a ton of other crap. It’s so much fun…

[Deleted Member]

I've been happy in vanilla relationships but the person was a great match for all the other parts of my personality. I didn't feel unfulfilled in the slightest. The relationship ended because he wasn't happy with the frequency of sex, which is ironic 😄

[Deleted Member]

59 minutes ago, stockport928 said:

I've been happy in vanilla relationships but the person was a great match for all the other parts of my personality. I didn't feel unfulfilled in the slightest. The relationship ended because he wasn't happy with the frequency of sex, which is ironic 😄

I’ve dearly wanted to tie girls up in superheroine outfits and make them and me orgasm daily. I’ll die alone…sigh… lol

[Deleted Member]

Aww you' find someone. It worked for the creator of Wonder Woman...he found two!

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

November 5, YesDaddyYes said:

Aww you' find someone. It worked for the creator of Wonder Woman...he found two!

 

 

 

People been saying that literally for decades lol I have a sense of humour about it but still depressing.