Advice seeked

[BadGirl1987]

Has anyone ever experienced their dom ignoring your safe word? I had a very bad experience awhile back (long story that I don't mind sharing) and because of it I'm very anxious yet very eery on getting back into bdsm. 

Edited November 22, 2022 by BadGirl1987
Typo

[Deleted Member]

That sounds horrendous

[dp****]

A safe word is there for a very important purpose, a Dom that doesn't respect that, really wasn't a Dom in the first place

[Lord_Talion]

It's suposed to be a binding word that can't be ignored and when it is there's only one that can surpass it. No

[Deleted Member]

Yes, my Master ignored me while he was beating me! What’s the point of the safe word if they ignore it? I know how you felt! My Master is totally Sadistic, and that’s about all he is good for! I’m Seeking another Master, my suggestion find another Master! Us Sub’s have the power, not the Master’s! We give the Master’s the power! Get a New Master!

[Cwillians91]

That is ***... im sorry you went through that. Your consent to the action is null and void when you use your safe word.

[AnnieArcher]

Hi, I experienced this also,  then it occurred once again.   I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time. I think that I thought maybe it was okay, or that it happens sometimes.

I am currently communicating with a Dom, through this I have come to realise that it is not okay and is not acceptable. 

  much love x
 

[Deleted Member]

I am so so sorry that happened to you. I hope you have access to therapy. The safe word is mean to bring all play to a complete stop. I have not had someone ignore my safe word. I have had play partners ignore consent. I am here for you if you if you would like to talk feel free to DM me. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[Sire_Osiris]

Consent is vital to the healthy exchange between partners. I'm can't tell you or anyone how they should feel when the consent is not there but what I will say is that all the Doms I know value and respect the agency of each partner.
One thing people should do is appreciate the importance of community.
Doms in a community of people who practice BDSM tend to be more accountable when they know their reputation is on the line.
That being said, don't trust in a Dom who has no one who can vouch for them in their community.
Bad actors tend to be unchecked and have no one who can speak for them.
Stay away from those Doms who are so new to the lifestyle that no one knows them.

[Greenman56]

Once, only once, have I not acted on a safe word, but that was because it was said into a pillow and I didn't hear it, my sub repeated it immediately with her head put ofvthe pillow

[Greenman56]

And I stopped, felt like shit afterwards

[QXX666]

A Safe Word SHOULD NEVER been ignored !! It’s a sign of an ***r and you should report it to the community as he/she will do it to others until a bad accident happen.
Make sure you communicate plenty before choosing your next one.

[Deleted Member]

Use of the safe word means consent has been withdrawn. So to continue means, strictly speaking, a crime is being committed. It might or might not go to a court, but it shows how serious it is.

[BadGirl1987]

It was a woman. I am no longer in contact with her. She was using the belt at the time when she would not stop when I asked her too. I've known her for a couple years before we did anything and my safe word worked before with her. She just snapped it seems and I was I rough shape after that. I am good now and willing to give it another shot with a different dom.

[Re****]

There is a very fine line between pushing limits and ***.
I always use a safe word but said once it's back off a bit said twice in succession that's my limit said 3 times in succession end of play immediately. Sounds like you had an ***r with no respect for you

[Ma****]

A safe word is there for a reason, if it is ignored, that is wrong, find a new Dom.

[li****]

I had this happen to me in my very first D/s relationship.....the so called Dom went past my safe word to the point of beating my ass to a ***y pulp. I was bruised and battered for a few days and couldn't sit down at all and had to either lie on my front to sleep or sit on my side on the sofa. 

 

I actually wrote a story about this and it's on here in BDSM stories and confessions and I don't mind telling people what happened also. But I agree a Dom isn't a Dom if he goes past your safe word or just completely ignores it. It took me a while to get back in the scene after it happened but I slowly made my way back with friends on here who helped me and having a mentor helped too. Just take your time and don't rush back into something and if a Dom is a true Dom he'll understand 

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, BadGirl1987 said:

It was a woman. I am no longer in contact with her. She was using the belt at the time when she would not stop when I asked her too. I've known her for a couple years before we did anything and my safe word worked before with her. She just snapped it seems and I was I rough shape after that. I am good now and willing to give it another shot with a different dom.

Thank you for telling us it was a woman. Women get hurt more, but I have came across few men that was ***d by women.

[li****]

25 minutes ago, kiseu said:

Thank you for telling us it was a woman. Women get hurt more, but I have came across few men that was ***d by women.

I agree it not just men 

[Deleted Member]

Not good 🍷

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, lil-monster said:

I agree it not just men 

Thank you for understanding. One was a long ago ex boyfriend.  It's was not fun realizing he was broken, when you invested your heart in him. 

[sm****]

*** of a safeword no matter what sex is one of if not the biggest no no's!

Ignoring even if they say they were in a different headspace in play is also no excuse what so ever, shows lack of control and judgment. 

Ignoring is *** no matter how they pretend or say they just weren't paying attention.   Getting carried away and showing their real life abusive self id a big RED FLAG and iv'e known people be outed in the scene for this exact reason, word gets around especially when you have a social aspect to the kink scene.

A person to be well avoided and warned off.

 

[Deleted Member]

Ignoring the safe word is ***. The trust is broken and there's no way back.

[MrJim]

The reason why most of use discuss openly what are limits and likes are is so this never happens. Ignoring a safe word is a blatant *** of trust and it affects the person whose trust was broken very deeply. Just try and understand that everyone is not the same as the person who did that and it takes rebuilding trust in your next relationship to try and heal those wounds.I would suggest trying to be completely open about your trust issues from the very first meeting so that the new person can understand what you’ve been through. Also discuss triggers that may bring back those feelings so you both can avoid them.

[Ge****]

Everyone here has great words of encouragement and advice. Wanted to make sure this hadn’t been said before so I didn’t repeat others good advice, but the biggest advice I can give, and this really goes to anyone, is play in public before you play in private with someone wherever possible. Go to a dungeon. Watch them play with others so you can see their style. You’ll learn a lot before they ever get access to your body directly. Talk to other bottoms they’ve played with. What is their style? If impact… lots of thuddy, lots of stingy, a good mix? Do they read body language well? Do they honor safe words? If you’re in a public play space (dungeon) and you yell your safe word, if the Top ignores you, a DM won’t. That’s your safety net. It’s also about their reputation to them, but playing in public means that if they ignore your safe word in public, they will be told immediately and with alacrity to leave. No questions asked. Because yes, as others have said, that is a revocation of your consent. Play stops immediately. It could resume if you both choose to, but it stops immediately. Period. Negotiate ahead of time. Vet your prospective Top. Thoroughly. If you cannot, then presume they cannot be trusted. And never. Never. Never. Allow bondage in private until you are dead certain you can trust them. That doesn’t happen quickly. Better to be dead certain than dead. And yes, that was meant to wake people up. Bondage is scary as fuck. I say this as a Sadist. Because once I have someone truly bound, I can pretty much do ANYTHING and they cannot escape. I don’t and won’t do bondage at home with anyone I don’t know well enough to have developed a deep trust. And that circle includes exactly three people right now. I have others I’ve played with in private, but those three all have developed that level of trust with me. And me with them. Don’t take it lightly. Your safety matters. You matter. What we do is edgy, and in many cases, dangerous. I mean, fire play… knife play, bondage… it’s serious stuff. Even wax play… the wax is light risk, but the knife I use to remove that wax, while it has a very significant curve to keep the point from digging into skin, the blade itself is damned near shave sharp. That takes immense trust. Don’t take your safety lightly. You are the first and last levels of defense if you’re playing in private. So I will end how I began: if at all possible, play in public play spaces until you are 100% comfortable with your partner.