Understanding triggers.

[Deleted Member]

I think many folks get confused with the idea that a trigger is a reaction. It's not. A trigger is a stimulus (baby crying, loud sound, etc.) and it's usually external. The reaction is our coping mechanism and that is internal. I share all this because I think we have to be careful with partners gaslighting or invalidating us.

I have seen many say "we aren't responsible for your triggers." If their behavior was the stimulus then they ARE responsible. However, they are NOT responsible for how we cope/ react. I'm really interested to hear more

[Deleted Member]

I think it's less important who's responsible and focusing on that gives rise to the idea that someone has to be blames when actually the whole situation has been caused by much deeper and more complex reasons buried in the past that aren't really the fault of the person getting triggered or their current partner

[ey****]

There's different layers I think.

If you watch a TV show and it has a warning "this show may contain scenes some will find distressful" then you are making an informed choice as of if you want to watch it all.  Or, for some people, a warning this might happen is enough for them.

Of course, it is not down to the show how you cope or react, of course, but the reason a lot of those warnings exist is because it is known there is a psychological effect that affects a lot of people.

And a lot of people know this so will themselves deliberately do or say things that has a psychological effect and that is their responsibility because they are doing in on purpose. 

A lot also depends on which websites you are on, or where you are, what is reasonably to see/hear and what is not.  If you're at a dungeon event and walk into a dungeon and someone has been cut open by a cane, this is something you might have to prepare as being something you might see if *** is a trigger.  In that case you can mitigate by sending a friend first to check, or, being reasonably prepared.

Not all triggers are negative, mind.  Some can create a positive reaction - like the people who melt when called a 'Good Boy/Girl' or any form of affirmation.  

But otherwise in play, your triggers might well come under your limits, so not something the other person should broach if you've made that clear.

[ca****]

I pretty much agree with this.... and i think it is a relevant point as I have seen the word 'trigger' used in some posts as if it was some kind of severe crime!!!

Triggers (stimuli) happen and they happen in all walks of life......   sometimes they 'trigger' a good response, others less so.....  and (as always) different people 'react' to a trigger in their own way....  

It then comes down to sensitivty... and awareness of 'our' actions as to how, what we do / say / portray, comes over and how it could be perceived by others...   

Clear as mud

Edited December 8, 2022 by callipygian

[MrJim]

Triggers are not cut and dry in any way, they can be sounds, smells, flashes of light, words, and physical reactions to touch. It’s important to try and know what both you’d and your partners are but you may never know all of them. The important part I think is avoiding the ones you know and reacting to them when they happen. The person that is experiencing the triggered response needs to be reassured that they are not experiencing that thing whatever it was, again. We can’t always prevent triggering someone, but we can help them through the response they have once they have one. I’ve been in the military and then I was a Firefighter for many years afterwards, and I have seen some horrible stuff, things that you can’t unsee. I know I have triggers we all have triggers, the best you can do is try to find a way to deal with them when you get your particular triggered response. This is a deep topic but it is something that you should think about and consider if you are in a relationship, even if you just know the person’s history so you can get an idea of what they might have experienced in the past. Just my two cents…

[Deleted Member]

I don't really think about the cause, why and etc. My focus is healing. This is really hard to explain. Triggers can be Not so bad, and disappear in seconds. Part of the key is "practising letting go". If you practice all the time, it becomes automatic, but NOT saying you don't feel anything. You still feel, but it is ALOT easier! 

Edited December 8, 2022 by Deleted Member
Misunderstanding

[CopperKnob]

There's so many perspectives on this which I think is healthy and yes of course the focus should be on healing but I think we need to understand the cause of a reaction to do so.
I'm used to using the following

Antecedent- the events, action, or circumstances that occur before a behaviour.

Behaviour- The behaviour.

Consequences- The action or response that follows the behaviour.

To help understand situations/incidents/accidents to prevent them occurring again

I also think that the word "trigger" is maybe overused thanks to pop culture

And, I also think that the reaction/behaviour isn't always a coping mechanism, sometimes it is simply an automatic response to an unknown stimuli or something that we're ***ful of or don't understand

I think that in terms of a other person being "responsible" we could consider the intention/motivation of the other person.
So, case in point, I wrote a post here which caused others to feel triggered by it, maybe it was insensitive and maybe I could have given more thought as to whether I posted it but, my intention certainly wasn't to cause others upset/distress/harm in anyway shape or form.

It's hard I think when individuals with past trauma are attempting to avoid their triggers because life generally can't be planned for to the minute detail and so often things will crop up which are unexpected (although I appreciate that there are some indiciduals who will play on someones triggers deliberately) Which really brings me back to the need to understand why something is a trigger and to identify coping mechanisms to deal with the underlying concern otherwise it's going to be a very insular life but again, I appreciate that that takes a lot of bravery and hard work over a very long period of time

[Deleted Member]

We are never told the work is a continous thing. It's not like "You are fixed, and all is good" or "Pop a pill, and you are happy now".😒🤦‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Fulgrim said:

I think it's less important who's responsible and focusing on that gives rise to the idea that someone has to be blames when actually the whole situation has been caused by much deeper and more complex reasons buried in the past that aren't really the fault of the person getting triggered or their current partner

I partly agree but, I think assigning responsibility is different than blame shifting. It's important to know what is in our control and what is not... especially, in regards to mental ***.

[Deleted Member]

I wanted to clarify what I meant "Letting Go" in my previous comment. Letting go not as avoiding it, but letting it slide off of you. If we are talking about ***rs, they hate it when anything they say slides off of you. Their goal is to stick/pin you. I just realized you have to be oily. Anybody into oil wrestling?.😂

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Sw33tGirl247 said:

I partly agree but, I think assigning responsibility is different than blame shifting. It's important to know what is in our control and what is not... especially, in regards to mental ***.

I see you're point, I will say though, at least in my case the best healing environment is one of total freedom where neither person needs to feel responsible and the reality of what both sides are capable of giving and receiving are understood. So to me it's important for both sides to understand but it isn't on anyone to be responsible for that since their doesn't need to be in my pov anyway. In terms of using triggers as a form of mental attack is different however for when their is malicious intention there can be laid blame an responsibility for wither the malicious one to change or the other to get out

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, kiseu said:

We are never told the work is a continous thing. It's not like "You are fixed, and all is good" or "Pop a pill, and you are happy now".😒🤦‍♀️

I see this as a positive, it means you can be constantly mindful of your progress which can be a powerful motivator to keep going (some magic pill would be cool tho but the ones I've found only last a few hours and come with a worse comedown)

[Deleted Member]

14 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

There's different layers I think.

If you watch a TV show and it has a warning "this show may contain scenes some will find distressful" then you are making an informed choice as of if you want to watch it all.  Or, for some people, a warning this might happen is enough for them.

Of course, it is not down to the show how you cope or react, of course, but the reason a lot of those warnings exist is because it is known there is a psychological effect that affects a lot of people.

And a lot of people know this so will themselves deliberately do or say things that has a psychological effect and that is their responsibility because they are doing in on purpose. 

A lot also depends on which websites you are on, or where you are, what is reasonably to see/hear and what is not.  If you're at a dungeon event and walk into a dungeon and someone has been cut open by a cane, this is something you might have to prepare as being something you might see if *** is a trigger.  In that case you can mitigate by sending a friend first to check, or, being reasonably prepared.

Not all triggers are negative, mind.  Some can create a positive reaction - like the people who melt when called a 'Good Boy/Girl' or any form of affirmation.  

But otherwise in play, your triggers might well come under your limits, so not something the other person should broach if you've made that clear.

Triggers are subjective, though. So the warnings on the TV show and even the dungeon disclaimers are limited; usually to ***. My point in this thread is to drawn clear boundaries about what is our responsibility and what is not. The victim isn't responsible for others' behavior just how they cope to the stimulus.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, callipygian said:

I pretty much agree with this.... and i think it is a relevant point as I have seen the word 'trigger' used in some posts as if it was some kind of severe crime!!!

Triggers (stimuli) happen and they happen in all walks of life......   sometimes they 'trigger' a good response, others less so.....  and (as always) different people 'react' to a trigger in their own way....  

It then comes down to sensitivty... and awareness of 'our' actions as to how, what we do / say / portray, comes over and how it could be perceived by others...   

Clear as mud

I partly agree. Trauma triggers have been proven to light up the brain in the same parts as if they were experiencing the "crime" all over again. A new scene or experience can make it difficult for a play partner to predict and inform others of what triggers will present because they simply won't know.

Abusive folks can have triggers, too. I still think it's important to identify that we are responsible for our behavior.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, MrJim said:

Triggers are not cut and dry in any way, they can be sounds, smells, flashes of light, words, and physical reactions to touch. It’s important to try and know what both you’d and your partners are but you may never know all of them. The important part I think is avoiding the ones you know and reacting to them when they happen. The person that is experiencing the triggered response needs to be reassured that they are not experiencing that thing whatever it was, again. We can’t always prevent triggering someone, but we can help them through the response they have once they have one. I’ve been in the military and then I was a Firefighter for many years afterwards, and I have seen some horrible stuff, things that you can’t unsee. I know I have triggers we all have triggers, the best you can do is try to find a way to deal with them when you get your particular triggered response. This is a deep topic but it is something that you should think about and consider if you are in a relationship, even if you just know the person’s history so you can get an idea of what they might have experienced in the past. Just my two cents…

Love everything you said

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

There's so many perspectives on this which I think is healthy and yes of course the focus should be on healing but I think we need to understand the cause of a reaction to do so.
I'm used to using the following

Antecedent- the events, action, or circumstances that occur before a behaviour.

Behaviour- The behaviour.

Consequences- The action or response that follows the behaviour.

To help understand situations/incidents/accidents to prevent them occurring again

I also think that the word "trigger" is maybe overused thanks to pop culture

And, I also think that the reaction/behaviour isn't always a coping mechanism, sometimes it is simply an automatic response to an unknown stimuli or something that we're ***ful of or don't understand

I think that in terms of a other person being "responsible" we could consider the intention/motivation of the other person.
So, case in point, I wrote a post here which caused others to feel triggered by it, maybe it was insensitive and maybe I could have given more thought as to whether I posted it but, my intention certainly wasn't to cause others upset/distress/harm in anyway shape or form.

It's hard I think when individuals with past trauma are attempting to avoid their triggers because life generally can't be planned for to the minute detail and so often things will crop up which are unexpected (although I appreciate that there are some indiciduals who will play on someones triggers deliberately) Which really brings me back to the need to understand why something is a trigger and to identify coping mechanisms to deal with the underlying concern otherwise it's going to be a very insular life but again, I appreciate that that takes a lot of bravery and hard work over a very long period of time

I like the ABCs you listed and I agree, a lot of mental health terms are overused and misused. Yes, I think there is a difference between a discovery of something new and a trigger. A trigger involuntarily sparks a memory -so, to me, that establishes the difference and how to identify them.

Diving deep into intention is tricky. It requires a lot of work and communication from both partners. Still, it doesn't negate the person's responsibility for their behavior. I'm not saying we should walk on eggshells or try to predict others' triggers. I'm saying when we see distress, help.

I think triggers are formed when the brain is overwhelmed and can't sort the ***...a natural coping mechanism.
I think it's great to identify the trigger, the emotions it brings and ways to bring awareness back into reality. Good feedback

[Deleted Member]

38 minutes ago, Fulgrim said:

I see this as a positive, it means you can be constantly mindful of your progress which can be a powerful motivator to keep going (some magic pill would be cool tho but the ones I've found only last a few hours and come with a worse comedown)

But it is just as important, if you fall down "it's ok", and not be hard on yourself. Progress is baby , or even mini micro steps as well. Long as you keep "trying", not giving up, and  thinking you are not a failure... that's all it matters. Alot of people are too hard on themselves.