Message etiquette

[Se****]

On 12/10/2022 at 11:21 PM, CopperKnob said:

What is 'normal' behaviour. I mean, we're on a kink site where the majority, arguably, are engaging in or are considering engaging in behaviour which others may see as being 'deviant'
A bit of an oxymoron isn't it

Ooh oxymoron. Great word 

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

But yet even when you contact a “sub” you hit the “ignore” button when you’re questioned. 

TBH I’m not sure why you’re asking this question/started this thread when you yourself don’t live up to your “high expectations”. Yes perhaps your responses were within your time frame but not responding by using ignore is (by your own standards, not mine) rude. 

I genuinely would have tried to help you work out what, if anything, the issue was with lack of replies. 

C’est la vie. 

I mean, 75 comments and just 1 response from OP in 3 days is a little ironic

[ey****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

I mean, 75 comments and just 1 response from OP in 3 days is a little ironic

yeah, he should been here at least 3 more times if he puts a 24 hour timer on responses 

[Chloebear]

6 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

yeah, he should been here at least 3 more times if he puts a 24 hour timer on responses 

Failing to respond for 24 hours plus just causes me to lose interest entirely….

[CopperKnob]

5 hours ago, Chloebear said:

Failing to respond for 24 hours plus just causes me to lose interest entirely….

I think it's inexcusable, particularly when they instigated the conversation
.
Or, maybe it was a case that the responses weren't to their liking or they felt that they gave nothing for them to respond to. Or maybe life just got really busy. I mean, it happens with DM's all the time 🤷‍♀️🤣

[Se****]

@CopperKnob you crack me up 🤣🤣🤣

[CopperKnob]

@Chloebear started that one. Nothing to do with me 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ 🤣🤣

[Se****]

31 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

@Chloebear started that one. Nothing to do with me 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ 🤣🤣

Always innocent 🤣🤣

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Always innocent 🤣🤣

You know me so well, almost as if we're soul mates 🤣

[ki****]

Me and my ADHD feel
called out

[Sy****]

I dont get notifications from this app so if I don't respond to a message for a week or two that's why lol

[Se****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

You know me so well, almost as if we're soul mates 🤣

I know. It’s so weird whoever would’ve thought it. Sending kisses to your sexy self 😘🤣

[Za****]

Just respond to who responds, interest levels should be mutual anyway. In this day and age it’s one new message or an ex reaching out away from being ghosted so don’t take it too personally

[th****]

Sunday at 08:19 PM, Nahian-5942 said:

@heavenlysin I think he meant with people he was talking to for some time now. Also, if it's been 3 years it's not happening most likely. We're also nit assuming he's been sending terrible intros either. That's not exactly respectful.

Thank you. I would have assumed the way my profile and message were written that these things would have been clear but apparently not. Appreciate this response

[Deleted Member]

No, your expectations are not too high. It’s called being a good human. I am new to this world but I have always been an excellent human.

[Chloebear]

5 hours ago, newyorkgal said:

No, your expectations are not too high. It’s called being a good human. I am new to this world but I have always been an excellent human.

Wait till you’ve been on fet for a little longer…. You will give up replying to everyone lol.

[ey****]

7 hours ago, Chloebear said:

Wait till you’ve been on fet for a little longer…. You will give up replying to everyone lol.

hahaha

yeah; I think there is a somewhat naivety when someone is like "OK, I'm going to try to reply to everyone cos it's polite, cos whatever" and then it really sets in how much of their own time they're wasting not just hitting 'delete'.  With or without reading.

I've told a story before about a Pro Domme who decided she would reply every single message no matter how bad it was over a 2 year period and document it all - and funnily enough, the vast amount of awful opening messages ended up going nowhere.

[4R****]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

hahaha

yeah; I think there is a somewhat naivety when someone is like "OK, I'm going to try to reply to everyone cos it's polite, cos whatever" and then it really sets in how much of their own time they're wasting not just hitting 'delete'.  With or without reading.

 

I completely agree with this but on the flip side, I get it...... I know how frustrating it is to not receive any kind of feedback to your perfectly crafted message having taken the time to read the person's profile and constructed the perfect, non creepy, non-demanding but interesting message only to receive no reply. You're kind of left in limbo, you like this person (for whatever reason) and want to make contact or continue a conversation with them and now you're waiting, not knowing whether your efforts are in vain.

But baring in mind that this thread is about situations of ongoing conversation suddenly stopping, here are the possible outcomes of a sent message:

1. Message read and replied to
2. Message read and NOT replied to
3. Message NOT read - user has NOT been active
4. Message NOT read - user has been active and it's been a couple of days
5. Message read and DELETED
6. Message NOT read and DELETED

On the face of it (and as many have said) it's clear cut, No response is in itself a response. But is it really that simple? Let's break them down:

Outcome 1 - Message read and replied to  

• This is the desired outcome of any message so we'll leave that one there

Outcome 2 - Message read and NOT replied to

• Has the message been read with the intention to reply but been forgotten about
• Has the message ultimately got buried in the inbox?
• Is the member simply not in the right headspace to reply right now?
• Should a follow-up message be sent in case it was simply missed in error?

Outcome 3 - Message NOT read - user has NOT been active

• Fairly clear-cut - The member probably hasn't been online to pick up your message but you don't know whether the user is logging on in "invisible" mode and simply ignored the message.  
• Should a follow-up message be sent in a few days?

Outcome 4 - Message NOT read - user has been active and it's been a couple of days

• Has the  member simply been overwhelmed with the number of messages and is working through them?
• Is the member ignoring the message?
• Is the member simply not in the right headspace to reply right now?
• Should a follow-up message be sent in case it was simply missed in error?

Outcome 5 - Message read and DELETED

• A message being deleted after being read is abundantly clear - the answer is no!

Outcome 6 - Message NOT read and DELETED

• Has the  member simply been overwhelmed with the number of messages and cleared them out?
• Did the member intentionally not read your message?
• Is the member ignoring the message?
• Is the member simply not in the right headspace to reply right now?
• Should a follow-up message be sent in case it was simply missed in error?

 

As you can see - it's not quite as easy as saying "no response is a response", "nobody owes you a response", "they've lost interest in you", "your expectations are too high" etc etc. Whilst all of that may be true, the sender is left waiting, not knowing what to do for the best. Doesn't want to be accused of being pushy and not taking no for an answer but equally doesn't want to be seen as not interested enough to follow-up. There are so many variables that there is no right or wrong answer to this issue. I think people just need to do what feels right to them and be concious of how their actions or inactions might be perceived by the other person.

 

That said, as a note to the guys, I've seen the constant stream of messages that women get on these sites, it's very often relentless and overwhelming. So my advice is, cut them a bit of slack, if 2, 4 or 6 applies then your message probably got buried. Wait until they are next online and pop them a follow-up, if you still get no response then you probably have your answer.

[ey****]

I think one of the sometimes issues is of course the sender may feel their message ticks the right boxes - but they have no real control over how the other person will interpret it.

I think the other thing is there are a lot of ideal situations for the sender (even if it is not the response they wish for) but alas, life in itself isn't ideal.   

We've all applied for jobs we've never heard back from.  And regardless of the reason; we're not going to work there just now.

I think one thing of course to accept is we'll rarely get the closure we want in many situations and that in itself is something to learn to live with

[4R****]

30 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think one thing of course to accept is we'll rarely get the closure we want in many situations and that in itself is something to learn to live with

I totally agree. 

[ey****]

I think also one of the problems is the kinda also balance of "reasonable expectations" from a message

and no matter kinda what anyone says, anything short of an end result is something which is viewed as a failure.  

Which is worse. For example - "I sent 100 messages and got 0 replies" or "I went on 100 dates and none of them wanted a second date" 

The latter is very expensive haha

and if someone did come on saying that, we'd question what the hell they were doing wrong in the dates - even though it might just be folk didn't gel.  

[CopperKnob]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think one of the sometimes issues is of course the sender may feel their message ticks the right boxes - but they have no real control over how the other person will interpret it.

I think the other thing is there are a lot of ideal situations for the sender (even if it is not the response they wish for) but alas, life in itself isn't ideal.   

We've all applied for jobs we've never heard back from.  And regardless of the reason; we're not going to work there just now.

I think one thing of course to accept is we'll rarely get the closure we want in many situations and that in itself is something to learn to live with

It's a hard lesson for us control freaks but "if you can't control...(a situation)...why are you worrying about it?"

[Leisa]

Yesterday at 12:55 PM, newyorkgal said:

No, your expectations are not too high. It’s called being a good human. I am new to this world but I have always been an excellent human.

To expect someone to take time out of their day to respond to a message, especially on a site geared toward bringing people together, is not realistic. Before I placed high filters to keep everyone but people I knew out of my inbox, I’d get well over 100 messages a week. In your perfectionist view, I should have taken the time to open, read, and respond to EVERY message to be considered a good human? You say you’re new to the lifestyle? One of the first things you need to learn is to get rid of your judgments of others because you don’t agree with their choices. Those who proclaim themselves to be “an excellent human” rarely are.

[Deleted Member]

I am nowhere near perfectionism. I am not saying you are not a good human if you don’t respond to every message and I am sorry if it came across that way. I am saying if you are in a relationship with someone you should take the time to respond to messages.

[Leisa]

5 hours ago, newyorkgal said:

I am nowhere near perfectionism. I am not saying you are not a good human if you don’t respond to every message and I am sorry if it came across that way. I am saying if you are in a relationship with someone you should take the time to respond to messages.

In the original post there was no connection established. He simply sees that the message had been read. If you’re in a dynamic, then by all means you respond. It’s the respect within the D/s. That’s not what this thread was about.