Too choosy?

[Se****]

On 4/14/2023 at 11:21 AM, Aeonova said:

This can very easily go in the category of, most people a person meets randomly on the Internet will lack maturity in one way or another.
There is a recognition these days that many many women in the west (not all, but many) have, en masse, miscalculated their dating worth, and are single and wondering why as a result... But if you just messaged someone saying, "No thank you", and they are getting upset... that's just because they are sensitive. Many people are. It's pretty normal to find people like this, everywhere.

I may have misunderstood you (I doubt it but 🤷🏼‍♀️). 

Is it not perhaps possible that women have in no way whatsoever “miscalculated their dating worth” and actually have, I dunno, standards?! Is it not possible that these women would not want to lower their standards for an inadequate relationship as they are, perhaps, actually fully rounded individuals who are happy within themselves?! Is it not perhaps possible that these women do not find it necessary to conform to some idealised standard of normalcy and relationship status projected by (a patriarchal) society (second time in 2 days that I’ve used that phrase, go figure 😏). 

Just some food for thought. Also data would suggest that single women in their 40s+ are significantly happier than their male counterparts and it is indeed men who need relationships not women. 

Just some things to ruminate upon. 

[CopperKnob]

34 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I may have misunderstood you (I doubt it but 🤷🏼‍♀️). 

Is it not perhaps possible that women have in no way whatsoever “miscalculated their dating worth” and actually have, I dunno, standards?! Is it not possible that these women would not want to lower their standards for an inadequate relationship as they are, perhaps, actually fully rounded individuals who are happy within themselves?! Is it not perhaps possible that these women do not find it necessary to conform to some idealised standard of normalcy and relationship status projected by (a patriarchal) society (second time in 2 days that I’ve used that phrase, go figure 😏). 

Just some food for thought. Also data would suggest that single women in their 40s+ are significantly happier than their male counterparts and it is indeed men who need relationships not women. 

Just some things to ruminate upon. 

Don't be daft 😂

[DarkArts1066]

This one is quite simple really.
As human beings, we all have the freedom of choice when it comes to whom we choose to speak with, associate with, date, and form relationships -of any sort with.

Anyone who attempts to take that freedom of choice away from you/me - or anyone, is misguided, and doesn’t deserve time spent on them.

Perhaps - we need to find a way, a phrase, a means of communicating with those people you speak of - who try to push the point, and change our perception of them ?

Unfortunately the negativity tends to build in people - once we reject them.. and that can be quite unpleasant.
If that happens, that’s when the ‘block’ and ‘report’ options come into play.

Harsh ??
No. I don’t believe so. I won’t allow anyone to dictate my choices when it comes to other human beings.
If someone can’t take a simple “I don’t believe we are going to be compatible” as my given choice, then I don’t need to be listening to them trying to persuade me that I am wrong, and that they are the one for me ?


Incidentally, the actual words we choose to use are important. I could have used the word “think” above - instead of believe.
Think is ambiguous. It implies a lack of certainty, which leaves the door open for negotiation - and I don’t wish to negotiate - my decision is already made.
We should choose our words well, and hit the ‘block’ and/or ‘report’ buttons if we meet resistance.

[ge****]

1 hour ago, Barlow70 said:

What would be a vanilla comment when reaching out. I've been told woman don't care for the dirty comments. They would rather have the compliment. Which would you say is correct

As CK suggests - speak to people as people first and foremost, doesn't necessarily have to be a compliment, but also shouldn't be dirty talk - pick something from their profile or forum posts to comment on, reference a shared interest you may have picked up on.
.
Essentially the kind of conversation openers you have in every day life - yeah sure this is a site dedicated to kink/fetish the key is knowing when to discuss it and at what level.

[Ceejayuk]

I have been told this quite a few times. At the end of the day we are attracted to who we are attracted too. I rarely click with people on a level where I want to go further than being friends.

[Th****]

2 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I may have misunderstood you (I doubt it but 🤷🏼‍♀️). 

Is it not perhaps possible that women have in no way whatsoever “miscalculated their dating worth” and actually have, I dunno, standards?! Is it not possible that these women would not want to lower their standards for an inadequate relationship as they are, perhaps, actually fully rounded individuals who are happy within themselves?! Is it not perhaps possible that these women do not find it necessary to conform to some idealised standard of normalcy and relationship status projected by (a patriarchal) society (second time in 2 days that I’ve used that phrase, go figure 😏). 

Just some food for thought. Also data would suggest that single women in their 40s+ are significantly happier than their male counterparts and it is indeed men who need relationships not women. 

Just some things to ruminate upon. 

I could kiss you for making this comment lol. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about and the person you quoted is precisely the sort of man I hope to avoid. I'm well aware of my worth and capabilities and any person I choose to have in my life needs to match that. I really don't think that's an unreasonable request. Yet there are so many out there, exactly like him. However I am glad he made his own worth so obvious lol

[Ae****]

7 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I may have misunderstood you (I doubt it but 🤷🏼‍♀️). 

Is it not perhaps possible that women have in no way whatsoever “miscalculated their dating worth” and actually have, I dunno, standards?! Is it not possible that these women would not want to lower their standards for an inadequate relationship as they are, perhaps, actually fully rounded individuals who are happy within themselves?! Is it not perhaps possible that these women do not find it necessary to conform to some idealised standard of normalcy and relationship status projected by (a patriarchal) society (second time in 2 days that I’ve used that phrase, go figure 😏). 

Just some food for thought. Also data would suggest that single women in their 40s+ are significantly happier than their male counterparts and it is indeed men who need relationships not women. 

Just some things to ruminate upon. 

Everyone has standards. What matters is if they are realistic for you. Dreams are free, reality needs results.
It's possible this group of women we are talking about are happy - but a good sign of discontent is having the time and urge to complain about what dating is like. It's bizarre - it doesn't go together.

"I'm happy and I am a great person, which is why I also meet and only deal with great people - that's my standard, that's my social circle, that's who I attract and that's who I give my time and attention to. I don't waste any energy or thought on the immature negative people, who are everywhere, because I am obviously totally uninterested in that. Therefore obviously I don't waste time complaining about others. I will share my experiences, my struggles etc, but I don't blame others because wow, that's silly. I'm no better than them, than anyone, and hating and judging others is simply revealing and nurturing the resentment, bitterness and judgement in me. I know I'm no better, essentially, and I'm mature enough to see that I'm👏 lucky👏 to be able see my own flaws, and simply hope for the best for people who are still dealing with desperation in terms of dating, or in life in general."

Regarding conforming to society - sorry I have no idea why that's relevant here and I'm not gonna go back and read why you've mentioned that 🤷🏻‍♂️

That data you claim about women being happy in their 40+ days - I claim I've seen different. So 🤷🏻‍♂️

Regarding men needing women more - what a sad thought, in my view. Sad way to think. Good luck with that. Respect to your bf/husband/son/father. They have my sympathy.

[Ae****]

4 hours ago, Th4tFl0w3rL4dy said:

I could kiss you for making this comment lol. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about and the person you quoted is precisely the sort of man I hope to avoid. I'm well aware of my worth and capabilities and any person I choose to have in my life needs to match that. I really don't think that's an unreasonable request. Yet there are so many out there, exactly like him. However I am glad he made his own worth so obvious lol

... this is exactly what I'm talking about. People with standards don't hope you avoid the annoying people. They just do. They meet them, they dismiss them. No fuss. No complaining. They don't have time to complain - they are too busy with their great lives and partners. And if they are having trouble getting great partners, they know that the mirror has the answer and the problem, and they get to work. They don't complain about how bad others are, cuz they understand that they themselves are being dismissed by the people who don't waste time with annoying people.

If i met you, and happened to dislike you, or you were rude, I'd smile politely, maybe politely respond to you if i had to, and then just move away. So easy. And I wouldn't tell anyone. I wouldn't even think of you again until I died. I would be way more interested in my life. Your behaviour and the interaction with you would just disappear to me, it's so important and uninteresting. I'd forget you immediately. There's nothing to tell anyone about. If someone asked how my day was, I had a lovely day, did some cool stuff with my friends or gf or whatever.

It's not an unreasonable request to get someone great, everyone deserves a good, nice, cool, sexy etc person. But... complaining like this, in this particular way, is actually just revealing things that you need to work on, within yourself. It's actually revealing the complainer, every single time. I get why that's not fun to hear, cuz it's hard to accept.

[Se****]

59 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

Everyone has standards. What matters is if they are realistic for you. Dreams are free, reality needs results.
It's possible this group of women we are talking about are happy - but a good sign of discontent is having the time and urge to complain about what dating is like. It's bizarre - it doesn't go together.

"I'm happy and I am a great person, which is why I also meet and only deal with great people - that's my standard, that's my social circle, that's who I attract and that's who I give my time and attention to. I don't waste any energy or thought on the immature negative people, who are everywhere, because I am obviously totally uninterested in that. Therefore obviously I don't waste time complaining about others. I will share my experiences, my struggles etc, but I don't blame others because wow, that's silly. I'm no better than them, than anyone, and hating and judging others is simply revealing and nurturing the resentment, bitterness and judgement in me. I know I'm no better, essentially, and I'm mature enough to see that I'm👏 lucky👏 to be able see my own flaws, and simply hope for the best for people who are still dealing with desperation in terms of dating, or in life in general."

Regarding conforming to society - sorry I have no idea why that's relevant here and I'm not gonna go back and read why you've mentioned that 🤷🏻‍♂️

That data you claim about women being happy in their 40+ days - I claim I've seen different. So 🤷🏻‍♂️

Regarding men needing women more - what a sad thought, in my view. Sad way to think. Good luck with that. Respect to your bf/husband/son/father. They have my sympathy.

My apologies. You are completely correct in each and every point you make. Thank you for educating me. 

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, Aeonova said:

Everyone has standards. What matters is if they are realistic for you. Dreams are free, reality needs results.
It's possible this group of women we are talking about are happy - but a good sign of discontent is having the time and urge to complain about what dating is like. It's bizarre - it doesn't go together.

"I'm happy and I am a great person, which is why I also meet and only deal with great people - that's my standard, that's my social circle, that's who I attract and that's who I give my time and attention to. I don't waste any energy or thought on the immature negative people, who are everywhere, because I am obviously totally uninterested in that. Therefore obviously I don't waste time complaining about others. I will share my experiences, my struggles etc, but I don't blame others because wow, that's silly. I'm no better than them, than anyone, and hating and judging others is simply revealing and nurturing the resentment, bitterness and judgement in me. I know I'm no better, essentially, and I'm mature enough to see that I'm👏 lucky👏 to be able see my own flaws, and simply hope for the best for people who are still dealing with desperation in terms of dating, or in life in general."

Regarding conforming to society - sorry I have no idea why that's relevant here and I'm not gonna go back and read why you've mentioned that 🤷🏻‍♂️

That data you claim about women being happy in their 40+ days - I claim I've seen different. So 🤷🏻‍♂️

Regarding men needing women more - what a sad thought, in my view. Sad way to think. Good luck with that. Respect to your bf/husband/son/father. They have my sympathy.

"I don't waste any energy or thought on the immature negative people"
.
You've had several pops at me over the past couple of years making no bones that that's what you think of me and yet you continue to counter my posts/comments, regularly resurrecting them months later.
.
So which is it because you can't have it both ways.

[Deleted Member]

Very often, but you know what, I could not care less ;) it is my choice and reply like that only confirms that I had made correct decission.

[Se****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

"I don't waste any energy or thought on the immature negative people"
.
You've had several pops at me over the past couple of years making no bones that that's what you think of me and yet you continue to counter my posts/comments, regularly resurrecting them months later.
.
So which is it because you can't have it both ways.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[Th****]

Oh boy, here we go. Lol

[Ae****]

7 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

"I don't waste any energy or thought on the immature negative people"
.
You've had several pops at me over the past couple of years making no bones that that's what you think of me and yet you continue to counter my posts/comments, regularly resurrecting them months later.
.
So which is it because you can't have it both ways.

It's the first one.
I don't have it both ways. If you think I was ever invested when I responded to you, or anyone here, you were mistaken.
My "pops" are responses to posts. As you say yourself, they're counters. You make many posts, and comments, in this vein - accusatory, rather mean, to be understated. I respond once in a while, when I'm bored and interested, and feel like it, to whatever catches my eye, if anything happens to, be chance. And I frequently invite a pm convo, because i think it's nicer and not performative and stops a thread being derailed. I'm always open to that.
I'm not responding to anyone, ever, in the hope of changing their minds, I wouldn't think such a thing was likely. It's not even for other people looking on to see things from a different perspective. That's a fools errand, with total Internet strangers, in an echo chamber. I have better things to do, as I say everyone should have.

Instead, this time, energy and thought I spend on interactions is for me. To see how I can manage to say something true, take the high road, see the responses to what I say, and grapple with the puzzle of people who are locked into very effective ways of arguing unfaithfully. It's just something I do to see what happens, learn, and sharpen my own skills. Sometimes people are even swayed by what I say! That's always nice. Where can I find convos with entrenched, difficult people?
There's plenty of opportunities for this stuff here. Notice how my messages are pretty polite, even when people are rude to me? I stick to the point? Etc etc. Hey, that's actually something that's not easy. Knee jerk rudeness is a failing. It's pathetic, for me. Lazy yet tempting.
Will I succumb to sarcasm and little digs? Will I get upset at this or that? Will I get sucked into pettiness? These are personal failures. Chances to see my triggers, where I'm lacking, and then I can go explore it, process it. So thank you for it, every time. You do this for me, without knowing.
Each time a person is sarcastic in any way, attempts to make someone else look ridiculous, is rude - they are simply showing themselves, they're own ugliness, insecurities and their own triggering points. Also, I get to learn about what holes there are in what I think, how I say it, and get a chance to learn how to explain myself better. Eg. This response is wayyyyy too long - I need to learn to be more brief.

And most people are inclined to defend people being treated horribly, if they see it happening. I think I see that pretty often, and sometimes I'll say something. There's bullying, shaming, so yeah, sometimes I'll say something to the effect of, "Hey, not everyone agrees with you."

If I say something that sounds bad - it's always said in the most matter of fact, impersonal way. Some truths cut deep though, and are genuinely hard to hear, but hey, there's never any malice in this for me, and some people *** a direct statement.

Because this is just for me to explore. It's not a place to come to complain, it's a place to come learn, for me, from the abundance of teachers. You catch more bees with honey than vinegar - you guys teach me to make honey.

[Chloebear]

11 hours ago, Aeonova said:

Everyone has standards. What matters is if they are realistic for you. Dreams are free, reality needs results.
It's possible this group of women we are talking about are happy - but a good sign of discontent is having the time and urge to complain about what dating is like. It's bizarre - it doesn't go together.

"I'm happy and I am a great person, which is why I also meet and only deal with great people - that's my standard, that's my social circle, that's who I attract and that's who I give my time and attention to. I don't waste any energy or thought on the immature negative people, who are everywhere, because I am obviously totally uninterested in that. Therefore obviously I don't waste time complaining about others. I will share my experiences, my struggles etc, but I don't blame others because wow, that's silly. I'm no better than them, than anyone, and hating and judging others is simply revealing and nurturing the resentment, bitterness and judgement in me. I know I'm no better, essentially, and I'm mature enough to see that I'm👏 lucky👏 to be able see my own flaws, and simply hope for the best for people who are still dealing with desperation in terms of dating, or in life in general."

Regarding conforming to society - sorry I have no idea why that's relevant here and I'm not gonna go back and read why you've mentioned that 🤷🏻‍♂️

That data you claim about women being happy in their 40+ days - I claim I've seen different. So 🤷🏻‍♂️

Regarding men needing women more - what a sad thought, in my view. Sad way to think. Good luck with that. Respect to your bf/husband/son/father. They have my sympathy.

Your last phrase here does rather summarise the response in full. Unfortunately, there are some that will not accept a difference of opinion, or a rejection, and must try to damage self-esteem in their counter response. It’s designed to strengthen their position and maybe wear you down. E.g. what sympathy would the males in their life need for having a strong and confident woman? Only in your view, where this is a negative, is this cause for sympathy.

You may surround yourself with positivity, and still be messaged by an enormous amount of people trying to pull you down with comments like this, as a misguided attempt to woo you. Reality is understanding that you don’t need that, a partner builds you up. If they start by dragging you down, they’re no prospect at all - that’s having standards and sticking to them. 
 

Confidence isn’t ignorance of flaws, it’s awareness of them and still knowing you’re going to hold your standards high, because everyone has flaws and nobody is seeking perfection, but we are all looking for respect.

[Ae****]

April 25, Chloebear said:

Your last phrase here does rather summarise the response in full. Unfortunately, there are some that will not accept a difference of opinion, or a rejection, and must try to damage self-esteem in their counter response. It’s designed to strengthen their position and maybe wear you down. E.g. what sympathy would the males in their life need for having a strong and confident woman? Only in your view, where this is a negative, is this cause for sympathy.

You may surround yourself with positivity, and still be messaged by an enormous amount of people trying to pull you down with comments like this, as a misguided attempt to woo you. Reality is understanding that you don’t need that, a partner builds you up. If they start by dragging you down, they’re no prospect at all - that’s having standards and sticking to them. 
 

Confidence isn’t ignorance of flaws, it’s awareness of them and still knowing you’re going to hold your standards high, because everyone has flaws and nobody is seeking perfection, but we are all looking for respect.

I'm not sure what you refer to by my last response.

I know there are people who don't accept "no", and are rude. But there are rude people everywhere. I could cry when it rains because it's so wet outside, or I can get a coat, umbrella, and let it not bother me, cuz there's gonna be a lot of rain, and really, it doesn't actually bother me. It's just rain.

When rude people are rude, they are just forgotten, instantly. The convo ends. Maybe I laugh to myself about them. And I go talk to someone nice. It just do anything at all. Live my little life. I am not gonna be old man yelling at the clouds, which is what I think people complaining about rude people are.

A strong confident woman is strong and confident enough to acknowledge she is equal to men, and needs men as much or as little as they need her. The idea doesn't threaten her, because she's that secure.

I love women. Great women are, great. I don't need them, but life is wonderful with them. And they don't need me either. Not the strong, confident independence ones. But they would also say, life is way better with me.

I can not complain about women, AND have standards simultaneously. When I meet a difficult woman, communication stops, because I have standards, and there's no need for me to bemoan the fact that such women exist, because I know enough women who are amazing. A lot of women experience this as ghosting and don't understand what happened. It's cuz quite a few guys have standards and recognise what they were dealing with so just leave.

Taking time telling people about difficult women, wondering why they're like that, demanding that they change - not necessary to that in order to have standards.

Does show naivety, confusion and bitterness.

I think. But yeah, what do I know 😭