ConflictedSub Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Hi all, I need some support and advice. I've been playing in LTR for.....always, because that's just me. I broke up with my longterm bf and went out into the world looking for a Dom. I read books, looked up stuff online, talked to people, but I picked a bad one and after we dated for a few months he ***d me. In my mind he respected my boundaries completely up to that point and I felt blindsided. It's been about a year and a half and I want to find a new person. I feel like a need to be submissive. It feels like a part of me I need to express. I'm so scared to try to find someone again. I'm really questioning my judgment. *** can happen in any type of relationship but my conflict is in the probable increased riskiness when knowingly seeking out a sadist. I mean they're Sadistic! How can I protect myself. I need pro tips and plenty of them. Thank you!
ey**** Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 first off - I'm really sorry this happened to you. There are lots of good people in the world, but also a lot of shitty ones - and one shitty one can obviously outweigh on your experiences. I think what I'd say is to approach things at your own s***d. It's ok to want to go slowly and any good Dominant, sadist or otherwise, should respect that. It may be that if you do find someone - you build up trust via play; it may be necessary to pre-warn about your previous negative experience so that somebody can be cautious of this and also be patient with the time it's taking you to be more comfortable with them. What's difficult of course, is that sometimes it's easier to find people in kink communities who are well known or have good reputations - but, sometimes the best judge of them isn't their friends as such.... but their previous subs....
Carnelian2 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 I am really sorry to hear what happened to you. Give it time and build the trust with the right person, who will understand if he is a decent human being. D/s is for the long-term and about trust
Deleted Member Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Really sorry about what happened to you. Just remember that not everyone is a bad person. Please make sure that the next relationship that you are in is tested throughly and I hope it doesnt happen to anyone. I would like to suggest an online relationship and maybe meet up when you are absolutely comfortable with it, having told your new dom everything.
DominatrixSheba Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Babe I am so sorry to hear this. Have you been able to talk to anyone for support? Would you consider a female Domme? You may find yourself more comfortable submitting again in an all female situation. A good place to meet people and potentially new Dom/mes is your local munch. You can talk to other members of the scene and find out who they know as good Dom/mes in the community. When you meet a new Dom/me you can ask a friend to chaperone when you session together. It is important that you look after yourself mentally and physically - you need to be in a good head space before you re-enter the D/s dynamic with someone. Don't rush things and definitely don't advertise for a Dom/me - I would be very sceptical of anyone who answered. I hope things work out for you - if you need any support then I am happy to help you out. Xxx
Deleted Member Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Hello fellow sub. I cannot imagine how loaded the word ‘conflicted’ must be in your screen name. So my first thing to say is WOW you are brave and I fully support you for it. One person does not get to take away something that makes you who you are and I think you are amazing to look for something that makes you happy and take the power away from the aggressor. And *** happens because it’s an aggressive thing, there is no excuse in the world for it. And absolutely shouldn’t happen in or outside of D/S relationships. Sadists understand consent. Rapists do not. I won’t echo everyone else below because this whole site is full of empathetic and supportive people. But I will extend an open invite to message me anytime, sometimes just talking can make all the difference. I’m a night owl and I’m working part time at the minute so plenty of time to spare for someone clearly as deserving as yourself. All the love xx
Deleted Member Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Just one more time. Sadists understand consent. Rapists do not. This is entirely a reflection of a monster and not your nor your interests in BDSM and any/all other kinksters who do not wish to inflict *** and suffering into anyone’s life. You should totally take your time and do this for you and I’ve seen some really good ideas and suggestions below. There is a big kinky pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you can do this x
Jed Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Sorry to hear this and please please please take your time and have the utmost patience in your journey going forward. The advice from everyone here is sensible and from the heart. I do hope you find your way forward. Regards Jed
AnnyMary512 Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 sorry about that dear you can chat me up if you don't mind okay
Carolvs Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 One thing that separate good kinky sexual stuff anf *** is always the consensual things. You can share your thoughts with me. Feel free to message me to share it
Deleted Member Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Stumbled across this today. Hopefully helpful for you or anyone else impacted by similar issues. Not sure if I’m allowed to post here? We shall see.... https://www.submissiveguide.com/dsrelationships,%20safety,%20personalgrowth,%20fundamentals/series/series-bdsm-vs-***
Deleted Member Posted February 11, 2019 Posted February 11, 2019 Don't seek out a Dom who is a sadist. Not for you. Seek one who will control you, respect your hard limits, love you - and make you laugh. I'm sorry for what happened to you: unacceptable
ConflictedSub Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 Thank you all for your support. I'm really, truly grateful because I've been really worried about how I would be judged by people inside the community. I've been thinking that people would think that I deserved what I got for not being more careful. I'm also worried that if I tell people what happened they will think that they can get away with it too and I'll be openning myself up to further ***. I blamed myself and my submissive side for what happened, but my therapist said that there is nothing wrong with BDSM when it's safe and consensual and she's had clients who benefited from it. So I'm working on not blaming myself and getting back to accepting myself for who I am. Feeling shame for something that is a big part of who I am has really taken a toll on my self-esteem. It really helps a lot to see that not everyone will judge me harshly. Thank you so much!
ConflictedSub Posted February 11, 2019 Author Posted February 11, 2019 DominatrixSheba- I have wanted to play with a Domme. I was really interested in a Domme back then but she took a pass. She was sexy as hell and likely could have her pick of anyone. Can't you all ;) Leila- Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I really appreciate your encouragement. I hope that if people have had similar experiences they feel like they're not alone. Thank you too for the article:) likeyoukneeling- I think you may be right. Someone gentle and encouraging sounds like what I need for now.
KCurious Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 It’s not easy I understand , I took a break away from this whole lifestyle. I tried exploring other interests, sometime taking a break away from things gives you a clear set of mind as to what you want and to not feel how you feel now and go back to this lifestyle with a fun passion actually enjoying it. I hope you forget all those hardships , create and have many fun adventures exploring with your New Dominant when you find the right one just for you. All the best ! ☘️ Take Care ! If you need to talk PM. 😊
Deleted Member Posted February 12, 2019 Posted February 12, 2019 A further thought. If you have come back to it, after such a bad experience, then D/S is speaking to a deep deep part of your being. And that maybe means that if you find, no - WHEN you find the right person there is the potential for true fulfillment. Good luck x
Deleted Member Posted February 19, 2019 Posted February 19, 2019 I will suggest if you can, find your future Dom in a munch or meeting where others kinkster might know him. Good luck for your future
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