The Exhaustion of "I'll Do Anything"

[ey****]

I want to give two simple examples.

So, imagine, say, a Mistress is at a fetish event and she's kinda made it clear she's in the mood for a little bit play before she unwinds.

A guy approaches her.

"Hi Mistress, would you like to play"
"I am in the mood, yes.  What are you into?"
"Anything, Mistress!"
"OK, so do you have any limits?"
"No, Mistress"
"Hmm.  OK. Would you buy a bottle of champagne from the bar and have them put it on ice so it's ready for when we've finished play?"
"I'm sorry, champagne is out of my budget"
"Oh, so that's a limit then?"
"Umm, errr..."
"So you'll do anything... except buy me a drink?"
The sub is a bit embarrassed and doesn't know what to say.
So, the Mistress tried to continue.
"OK, so, I am in the mood for some bumming.  Have you done pegging before?"
"No, but I'd love to try!"
"Did you douche before you came out?"
"No, Mistress"
"So you've said you'd do anything. Refused the first thing I asked, and now the second thing I asked you hadn't prepared for and waited until I asked instead of being forthcoming"
"I could go clean..."
"Do you have a douche?"
"No Mistress"
"So how were you planning on cleaning?"
"Sorry, Mistress"
"Have you ever been caned?"
"No, Mistress - but I'm happy to try" (by this point the Mistress kinda mouths the words "happy to try" as she's heard this before)
"Well, unfortunately - I cane to high levels and given how weak your communication has been so far I don't want to get downstairs, go through a warm up and then do a couple of basic strokes and find you don't enjoy it."
"Sorry Mistress, what about foot worship?"
"You know. If at the start of this conversation you had approached respectfully and, when I asked, "what are you into?" you had said "foot worship" then I might have considered it but I've had to discuss three other things which you've not been able to do, instead of just answering the first question.  So, I am going to decline tonight - especially as there seems to be another boy after my attention, I'll see if he is worthwhile or if I'm just going to get a drink and relax"

The next sub comes over.

"Sorry for bothering you Mistress, so, umm... I noticed you didn't have a drink, could I get you one?"
"I don't drink until I've finished playing and I am in the mood for a little play, unless you're also asking?"
"I would love to play, Mistress, if it's no trouble"
"It's only trouble if you make it difficult.  What are you into?"
"So, personally, I have a foot fetish. I have a little bit experience in corporal - but I am open minded, is there anything you particularly enjoy?"
"I could be in the mood for pegging, if you've done that before and prepared"
"So, I wasn't expecting to, but I did douche just in case. Hopefully I'm clean, I'm a little bit new so might need to go gentle"
"I could check you and try you with a smaller one, you also said about corporal, have you been caned before?"
"So, I've not been caned. But, I have done impact with paddles and floggers to around a medium level"
"OK.  So what I'd like to do. We'll go to the dungeon room and I'll check your bum.  I'll give you a little bit of a warm up with some paddles, and I'll try you with my small strap on.  If I think you can take it, we'll finish in the dungeon with some caning.  And then... we'll come back here, and I'll let you worship my feet while I enjoy that drink you offered.  A little champagne would be lovely but I would be happy with a cocktail if that's too much"

--

On paper they were both relatively polite and respectable.

But the first one was causing the Mistress so much extra work as she had to coax information from him.
While of course, he is new, and everyone is new, if they had played she couldn't quite trust him to not just go along with something he didn't want to.

He also didn't really volunteer alternatives, so for example he said he couldn't afford champagne on his budget... but didn't suggest what might be instead.
The thing he wanted didn't come up until a literal after thought and he wasn't really all that ready for "anything"

Even when asked about caning, he didn't volunteer info on other forms of impact play, which the second person did.

In another world, if he'd began the conversation as the second person had - then he may well have been tried out with some paddles and then be the one giving a foot rub at the end - but he'd already been emotionally draining due to not answering a simple question around "what sort of play was he even hoping of getting" 

There was also a difference in the second one, while he was clear in what he liked he didn't make the whole exchange entirely about his fetish.  
He was also very clear about his experience and levels (and thus by extensions, limits within that activity) which helped give peace of mind.

My main point here, though, is how tiring claiming to have "no limits" or "Do anything" actually is.

Even if the first person HAD of bought the champagne and HAD of cleaned - he still could have been disappointed if he'd spent a lot of *** on champagne, had a pegging he didn't enjoy and not got to do what he wanted to in the first place.

[ge****]

An excellent example of two similar situations being done different ways and highlights the issue faced by some perfectly

[Wi****]

Fabulous reading and very educational and enlightening to new people.

[Cu****]

Your piece also suggests and reflects, what many dominants find with male subs who haven’t thought themselves into the role that they wish to portray, and would far rather leave the thinking to the dominant. However, as you illustrate so well with the first character, they leave themselves wide open to be potentially taken advantage of, or dumped because they didn’t feel that it was their responsibility to have desires, needs, fantasies and limits. So the description begs the question of whether the first person was actually a submissive?
I remember you writing something very similar when a supposed sub male had said that they had no limits. Your response was, well if you work, deposit your next months salary into my bank account. Another one was, shave your eyebrows off, for me. Even though they wouldn’t do that, such suggestions should make them think about what they really are wanting, rather than leaving everything to the dominant.

[Ar****]

One of those posts which makes me wish there was a "love" or "super-like" button. All the yesses.

[Du****]

I don’t chat with anyone whose profile says “no limits”. Even for someone with preferences as mild as mine, it’s just silly talk and they’d be wasting my time.
Have limits. Or just leave that section blank! It’s okay to be a novice, but claiming no limits is an admission of that, not a boast by someone with experience.

[ey****]

50 minutes ago, CumbriaLeather said:

they leave themselves wide open to be potentially taken advantage of, or dumped because they didn’t feel that it was their responsibility to have desires, needs, fantasies and limits. So the description begs the question of whether the first person was actually a submissive?

absolutely.  So, to a degree it doesn't matter where they fit on the right of the slash - he possibly was trying to be 'good sub' but ACTUALLY creating more work for the Mistress.  Potentially through naivety, inexperience or actually just the hope that seeming eager would be more likely to get him *some* form of play with a chance he got what he specifically wanted.  I guess also to a degree, even if he didn't like the pegging or caning he had now tried them.

I guess a problem with my scenario was the Mistress was both experienced and responsible herself.  What could have happened is when he said he would try pegging, she might not have checked if he'd cleaned (which could make a mess of the play space and get them both side eyed) or gone with a toy too big for him and it could have him in discomfort he didn't know wasn't normal

or perhaps, well, I'm aware of cases where someone has bought a cane they're dying to use and gone in too hard and harsh on someone who really can't handle it and this again could lead to an awful or off-putting experience.

And this is before we get into actual bad actors! 

 

I guess in another version as well - perhaps he does go to get the champagne on ice and while he is at the bar she invites person two over to chat any way - and so makes a decision that she will do a little play with both - but it's in fact the second sub gets to do the foot worship at the end because she knew it was his fetish but assumed the first person was into more "being of service" and so they themselves miss out. 

[CopperKnob]

I think also, what could be mentioned in relation to the firsy individual is that potentially, not everyone at an event is responsible and, when we approach with a "pick me" attitude there's the danger of doing so to an individual with little to no morals or experience and of course, that's where many (not all) of the "this persons dangerous" posts stem from
Whilst I dislike the personal responsibility crowd, there is a degree of accountability we all need to take

[ey****]

5 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Whilst I dislike the personal responsibility crowd, there is a degree of accountability we all need to take

yep - I think when people cite 'personal responsibility' there are two people involved - and in this straw case, the Mistress asked questions.   If however she had said "OK, anything....." and dragged him downstairs and thrashed him with a cane...

a lot would blame him - he said he'd do anything, he approached for play, he said he had no limits, he didn't safeword etc

but also she didn't make sure he knew it was OK to safeword, didn't check in, didn't communicate properly.

The PR crowd tend to favour the Dominant and blame the victim, but in those cases an agreement to play was not a form of responsible move by the Dominant. 

[Nocturne]

Very well written! It's important that people are forward with their preferences, or curiosities if they are unsure.

[Uderiel]

Very informative, these are some general tips that could come in use when meeting a Dominant. The volunteering of information to narrow down experience and willingness to participate in various experiences truthfully. This can be rather common without proper education or explanation. Curiosities of mine are expansive, however being as new as I am, I'd be looking for more of a discussion and coaching dominant. This may preclude some of the more direct and experience expecting Dominants at times from submissives willing to learn. There is (as I'm learning) quite a bit of variety in regards to approaches and responses. A vast difference between experienced and new members as well.

[ey****]

I think for my example it was only really possible to keep it, err, brief if I used a pick-up-play type scenario.   I've been to a lot of events over the years and have seen Dommes literally with their own personal queues in the dungeons, or who have made it very clear they are up for play.  

(Some of this has had it's own problems for example some who have been quite busy but then found they'd not played with someone they'd promised, or a friend, or felt in some way guilty there'd been people waiting even though they're now quite done and need a break) 

It's a style that doesn't suit a lot of subs - because chances are you get the play and that is it.  Although, at a lot of events, the right conversations and a kinda desire to play but being uncertain - but - being able to communicate well can still be a case of "OK, we could go down early while it's quiet and we can try a few different things" but similarly, even a complete novice should have some form of idea of what they'd like to try.   And if what they'd like to try is the not knowing, the Mistress in control, that she can do what she wants - an understanding that is not a starting point - they both need to learn a little about each other first.

 

[Deleted Member]

Sometimes, I think some people only want to be Subs, because they think they only need to obey... be lazy and not do anything. They think Doms/Dommes are in charge, so they should be doing everything. OR... the complete opposite. They only want to be Doms/Dommes, because they have a fantasy "You only do what I say"! This is wasting everybody's time.

Edited January 20, 2023 by Deleted Member
Misunderstanding

[ey****]

11 minutes ago, kiseu said:

Sometimes, I think some people only want to be Subs, because they think they only need to obey... be lazy and not do anything. They think Doms/Dommes are in charge, so they should be doing everything. OR... the complete opposite. They only want to be Doms/Dommes, because they have a fantasy "You only do what I say"! This is wasting everybody's time.

both are true

there are a lot of good subs and a lot of good Dominants

but there are also those with unhealthy ideas.   There are those who it's not really the being told what to do is the appeal, it's the being stripped of responsibility.  So, it pushes everything onto their Dominant from the instructions, to well being.     And yeah, the Dominants who just like the idea of someone they can have run around after them.
I remember talking with someone who was considering going to a Femdom event, she said "It's not for me - but the idea I can click my fingers and have a boy go fetch the drinks or rub my feet is nice" which, for an evening, is nice - but beyond that evening both of you have wants and needs

[CopperKnob]

5 hours ago, kiseu said:

Sometimes, I think some people only want to be Subs, because they think they only need to obey... be lazy and not do anything. They think Doms/Dommes are in charge, so they should be doing everything. OR... the complete opposite. They only want to be Doms/Dommes, because they have a fantasy "You only do what I say"! This is wasting everybody's time.

What?! Being submissive doesn't mean I can sit back and let the Dom do everything for me, make all my decisions etc. I may have to rethink this whole thing! I was really hoping all I had to do was walk/train/compete with the dogs and otherwise I could just Netflix and chill!
Mind blown 🤯🤣

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

What?! Being submissive doesn't mean I can sit back and let the Dom do everything for me, make all my decisions etc. I may have to rethink this whole thing! I was really hoping all I had to do was walk/train/compete with the dogs and otherwise I could just Netflix and chill!
Mind blown 🤯🤣

I'm sorry to wasted your time on "running through hoops" training.😔

😂💖💖

[CopperKnob]

8 minutes ago, kiseu said:

I'm sorry to wasted your time on "running through hoops" training.😔

😂💖💖

Actually, we "go over sticks" 🤣😂