Approachability?

[Ro****]

10 minutes ago, slut_tamer_97 said:

So is approaching nicely and asking questions about common interests what you ladies prefer from us? : )
Not straight up sexting DMs? Let me know if that's mostly universal! I want only to improve

Yessss

[su****]

3 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

The thing is, women are first and foremost human beings. We are also individuals, we do not have a hive mind and so there is no universal way to approach us
Treat all women with respect. Take time to read profiles. Engage with us in the forums. Write a message that follows up on the first two points and provides us something to respond to
And maybe, specifically for you, rethink your username.

Very well said! ❤️

[Ar****]

4 minutes ago, slut_tamer_97 said:

So is approaching nicely and asking questions about common interests what you ladies prefer from us? : )
Not straight up sexting DMs? Let me know if that's mostly universal! I want only to improve

Am I in an episode of The Twilight Zone, or is this a real question?

Benefit of the doubt given. Granted there are and always will be SOME women who are only here for filthy talk. And good luck to you if that's all you want and you can find and connect with them.

But most of the time, do people want to be approached as if they were normal human beings respected by those approaching them? Yes, that is preferred. By anybody. I can't speak for all guys but when I see a Domme I don't know degrading and making demands of me, my reaction is "F*** off".... 

[Ro****]

6 minutes ago, micky-D said:

That’s my thing though is I always ask something about what they have in the profile about interests that are not kinky things but even those just get left on read if lucky read at all.

Don’t give up. It sounds like you’re doing the right stuff. There are plenty of times we don’t get responses either..

[Deleted Member]

Well I mean my username's meant to appeal to a certain type who likes that kinda thing lol. I'm trying to stand out in my own way but yes, fair enough XD
I appreciate the advice for all of us.

[Deleted Member]

Others have said it, but read the profile. Find out what they want and if you want different things be respectful of that. It’s so frustrating and feels like you already don’t care anyway. Ask a question that they can respond to. Be respectful. Getting sick pics right off 🤦‍♀️ I can’t.

My don’s first message to me was something very close to “that’s a very impressive profile from a beautiful baby girl. Want to chat and see if we give?”
I’ve changed up my profile now that I’m with someone but it indicated I was a little looking specifically for a monogamous long term ddlg situation. He was assertive, complimentary, respectful, and showed interest in what I was specifically looking for. He’s older than what I’m used to but I’m so grateful I stepped outside of my usual box. I hope this helps you in your search

[CopperKnob]

8 minutes ago, slut_tamer_97 said:

Well I mean my username's meant to appeal to a certain type who likes that kinda thing lol. I'm trying to stand out in my own way but yes, fair enough XD
I appreciate the advice for all of us.

How's that been working for you?

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Am I in an episode of The Twilight Zone, or is this a real question?

Benefit of the doubt given. Granted there are and always will be SOME women who are only here for filthy talk. And good luck to you if that's all you want and you can find and connect with them.

But most of the time, do people want to be approached as if they were normal human beings respected by those approaching them? Yes, that is preferred. By anybody. I can't speak for all guys but when I see a Domme I don't know degrading and making demands of me, my reaction is "F*** off".... 

My friend, that is not ALL I want lol, and neither is it all I do. I've done all of the above suggestuons, I've tried complimenting their eyes and style, simple greetings, friendly questions, and yes, suggestive texts when their bios say they're looking for that. All in all, I've mostly been ignored by each and every one of these approaches except for only two, so I figured it was worth asking about to see if one extreme was preffered over the other is all...
I also have a feeling some guys, certainly not myself, might really like that kind of approach from a domme that you mentioned. To them it may show she's the one they're looking for. For others, I could totally understand the repulsion.

[Matttster]

Why blame dating apps? It’s not really different than trying to meet people offline. How do you treat people off line when you are trying to get to know them. Or how do you get to know them? Do you randomly talk to as many people as you can hoping one talks back?

I would recommend patience. It is not easy meeting someone to date in a vanilla relationship much less when you start incorporating kinks.

I’d say a lot of it is respect and understanding as well as your attitude. Be respectful of people, understand where they are coming from. Try to think about how your words and actions can be perceived from the other party. Regarding attitude, think about your name/alias or whatever. Some of the names I see raise red flags, not a great first impression.

I have no complaints with dating apps. They are just a tool, a method to get and introduction to someone. If it is not working for you, rather than blame the app, figure out a way to make it work or move on to something else. Why blame the app? The app works for others, so if it is not working for you figure out why.

[Ro****]

22 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

How's that been working for you?

You are speaking my mind

[Deleted Member]

24 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

How's that been working for you?

The aggression is strong from you Copper, I can feel it in between the lines. It's intense. I don't want to fight or argue, I'm just simply looking to improve, always.
I appreciate all you've suggested.

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, slut_tamer_97 said:

The aggression is strong from you Copper, I can feel it in between the lines. It's intense. I don't want to fight or argue, I'm just simply looking to improve, always.
I appreciate all you've suggested.

I don’t sense any aggression, just challenging what you’re saying, which seems like a normal thing in a conversation. I think your problem of being unsuccessful with women is the fact that you seem to be looking for it for the wrong reasons and you (unfortunately) give off the impression of a guy who looks down on women and just wants to ‘get bi*ches’. And that’s, well… offputting. And believe me, we can sense that in your DMs. Mystery solved

[CopperKnob]

18 minutes ago, slut_tamer_97 said:

The aggression is strong from you Copper, I can feel it in between the lines. It's intense. I don't want to fight or argue, I'm just simply looking to improve, always.
I appreciate all you've suggested.

Aggression or honesty or, sheer blinking boredom of seeing the exact same post with the exact same comments every. single. month

[Deleted Member]

Wow, got the mob after me now when all I was trying to do was engage and learn. I'm brand new to this app too, so please forgive this username, I'm just experimenting is all. It is a kink app after all so... yeah.
Anyways, OP I hope you also got the answers you were looking for in this thread, I think I did. I'm trying to express gratitude and all I'm getting is hostile replies. Sorry but I can see right through you as well. You ladies seem really hurt, and I'm sorry to hear that. I hope whatever your going through and whatever traumas you may have within you may one day get healed.
Gentlemen, keep on self improving. That's what I'm doing and that's what I will continue to do, I'm going to do some pushups and situps now since I've been trying to build my muscles. Let's take care of ourselves and get ourselves together like one of the replies suggested above, alright? Lots to learn here, I hope for the best on your matches OP

[CopperKnob]

6 minutes ago, slut_tamer_97 said:

Wow, got the mob after me now when all I was trying to do was engage and learn. I'm brand new to this app too, so please forgive this username, I'm just experimenting is all. It is a kink app after all so... yeah.
Anyways, OP I hope you also got the answers you were looking for in this thread, I think I did. I'm trying to express gratitude and all I'm getting is hostile replies. Sorry but I can see right through you as well. You ladies seem really hurt, and I'm sorry to hear that. I hope whatever your going through and whatever traumas you may have within you may one day get healed.
Gentlemen, keep on self improving. That's what I'm doing and that's what I will continue to do, I'm going to do some pushups and situps now since I've been trying to build my muscles. Let's take care of ourselves and get ourselves together like one of the replies suggested above, alright? Lots to learn here, I hope for the best on your matches OP

The mob, consisting of one other person challenging your thinking? Yep, I'm that powerful 🤣

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Aggression or honesty or, sheer blinking boredom of seeing the exact same post with the exact same comments every. single. month

If you're sick of seeing it, why respond? You clearly see that you can't fix it so why keep trying?

[CopperKnob]

Whilst we're at it though, you might consider looking up the definition of gaslighting. You know, in your quest towards bettering yourself

[Deleted Member]

9 minutes ago, slut_tamer_97 said:

Wow, got the mob after me now when all I was trying to do was engage and learn. I'm brand new to this app too, so please forgive this username, I'm just experimenting is all. It is a kink app after all so... yeah.
Anyways, OP I hope you also got the answers you were looking for in this thread, I think I did. I'm trying to express gratitude and all I'm getting is hostile replies. Sorry but I can see right through you as well. You ladies seem really hurt, and I'm sorry to hear that. I hope whatever your going through and whatever traumas you may have within you may one day get healed.
Gentlemen, keep on self improving. That's what I'm doing and that's what I will continue to do, I'm going to do some pushups and situps now since I've been trying to build my muscles. Let's take care of ourselves and get ourselves together like one of the replies suggested above, alright? Lots to learn here, I hope for the best on your matches OP

Oh sweetheart…👩🏼‍🍼best of luck to you self improving. Not hurt, just tired of men complaining about women while not providing bare minimum aka respect, but sure, whatever tickles your pickle 😌

[FETMOD-TF]

So I am going to step in here before this goes completely off the rails and say can we stick to the OPs original question please. Thank you 

[Ar****]

17 hours ago, micky-D said:

Hi I’m new to this kind of scene and I’m not having much luck in connecting with anyone how can I make myself more approachable to others as to not scare anyone off.

So, OP, sometimes you can do everything right and still not get anywhere. It can be a hard lesson to learn, and it applies to so many aspects of life not just dating or making connections. And that's okay.

Often there is a tremendous focus on "what else can I do?", "what can I do more of?" or such - advice is often very pro-active, yet can still lead to frustrations because of the very nature of what I've just mentioned above.

What people often overlook are the things you can avoid doing, and although it might not have been what you were expecting, you've had a bit of a class in it here in your thread today.

The most important things you can do are to be your true authentic self. No pretense, no expectations, just as natural as you are able. Sometimes you will click with people, sometimes you won't. It will take time, but genuine folk tend to be interested in connecting with other genuine folk, and if you can demonstrate that you're here for the long haul, that this isn't just a whim/game to you, and be consistent enough that your reputation for sincerity precedes you - perhaps by word of mouth, or because people can see what you have contributed to the community/how you answer topics - then your "odds" of connecting will increase. They will always remain odds though, especially if you think of it as a numbers game you are trying to beat.

What you don't want to do is project or point fingers. Make unattractive and sick/presumptuous comments about your fellow community members being "hurt" or "aggressive" or such. Text alone is a very poor means of communicating what we are trying to say, and it can be easy to read into things which are not there. If in doubt, give the benefit of the doubt - and your compassion/diplomacy will already have put streets ahead of some of your fellows.

Best of luck sir - hopefully we'll be seeing a lot more of you around. 

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, CornDude22 said:

If you're sick of seeing it, why respond? You clearly see that you can't fix it so why keep trying?

Because, not everyone reading the forums comments on them. The people who are reading are more likely to actually think about what's being said rather than react. It's those people that are more likely to take on board the advice given and act upon it rather than those sealioning in the comments.
OP, the comment to take note of is the one by Aranhis

[Silken_Tears]

Micky you have some good pics, but your description is very thin. What are you into? What are you looking for? What do you have to offer? This information is helpful, and the way you say it will give insights into your personality and give people more of a feel for you.

I'm not sure how many people on the site are in your region, though. I think most are UK/ US based.

[ro****]

Hi Micky (and all else reading for the same advice).

For me, my biggest encouragement to message someone/message back is a well developed profile that shows sincerity and desire for connection, and an opening message that is friendly, respectful, and with a lead.

Profiles with "I've lots of kinks, message me" or "looking for the right submissive to serve me" etc don't give away much about you as a Dom.

Can you potentially say what type/s of Dom you are? What are some of your main kinks? Are you looking for a long term dynamic or shorter term ones?

Can you put in a few catching details about your non kinky life? How about a fun fact? (Especially important for beginners who still trying to understand their identify in the realm of kink and are not yet sure what to list on their profile). If you list a hobby you enjoy or your field of work you create conversation starters and also let people screen for compatibility.

Having a really broad profile might seem like it will help prevent others from going "no, not compatible" but I think it has the opposite effect; when a profile is so generic you're not sure what the person is like you choose not to engage at all.

Another thing to consider is how to show kink is more then sex for you. This might sound a bit odd given that kink is often sexual but for many subs it's important. Affirming you see the other person as human as opposed to simply a sexual being goes a long way in making them feel safe and comfortable.

I think this is why many messages that start sexual are not responded to, or are blocked. For me it flags they are likely interested in immediate sex, when I'm looking ongoing trust and connection that can be tested and reaffirmed in the bedroom.

On a similar note, it's always a good sign to me when a Dom puts their aftercare process in their profile. It indicates you care about wellbeing/the experience as a whole, and not just an orgasm.
It also shows you've at least done the bare minimum research.
I've had lots of discussions with people who have come to fet after finding an interest in kink from porn. It's clear when someone has not researched the area further because they're not familiar with aftercare and other basic terms. For me it's always a bit of a turn off because I take safety super seriously and to do something safely you have to know what you're doing.

Also list your limits. No limits can make you seem a little dangerous.

In regards to messaging. I'm perhaps odd in that I genuinely try to message everyone back (even if it's just to reject them). It took me two months to sort through my initial inbox, so having a bit of patience is important.

If you message a simple hello I'll likely reply with a "Hey there, how are you?" but you'll need to keep the ball rolling after that. Ask someone how they've found their experience on here so far, what their hobbies are outside of kink, if they have any nice plans coming up that they are looking forward to. I'll message back questions too, but getting the ball rolling is important.

To add to that...if you message with an engaging and non sexual opening, question or scenario you're much more likely to receive a faster response, because when the inbox has been flooded I'll respond to the interesting messages first.

Sexual messages, or messages that clearly disregard boundaries in my profile will only ever receive a no thanks.
Incessantly messaging someone (let's say more than two - three repeat messages, in the beginning) can also come across as encroaching a boundary.

Reading the other person's profile is always key. If you can start a conversation around it it shows you've actually contemplated individual compatibility.

Essentially, in everything you do try make the other person feel seen (as an individual) and safe.

Just to add to that - bear in mind how ads come across. Lots of ads asking for any and all slaves etc can counteract the above points and indicate you're looking for a sexual object not a person.


Best of luck man 👍

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Aranhis said:

So, OP, sometimes you can do everything right and still not get anywhere. It can be a hard lesson to learn, and it applies to so many aspects of life not just dating or making connections. And that's okay.

Often there is a tremendous focus on "what else can I do?", "what can I do more of?" or such - advice is often very pro-active, yet can still lead to frustrations because of the very nature of what I've just mentioned above.

What people often overlook are the things you can avoid doing, and although it might not have been what you were expecting, you've had a bit of a class in it here in your thread today.

The most important things you can do are to be your true authentic self. No pretense, no expectations, just as natural as you are able. Sometimes you will click with people, sometimes you won't. It will take time, but genuine folk tend to be interested in connecting with other genuine folk, and if you can demonstrate that you're here for the long haul, that this isn't just a whim/game to you, and be consistent enough that your reputation for sincerity precedes you - perhaps by word of mouth, or because people can see what you have contributed to the community/how you answer topics - then your "odds" of connecting will increase. They will always remain odds though, especially if you think of it as a numbers game you are trying to beat.

What you don't want to do is project or point fingers. Make unattractive and sick/presumptuous comments about your fellow community members being "hurt" or "aggressive" or such. Text alone is a very poor means of communicating what we are trying to say, and it can be easy to read into things which are not there. If in doubt, give the benefit of the doubt - and your compassion/diplomacy will already have put streets ahead of some of your fellows.

Best of luck sir - hopefully we'll be seeing a lot more of you around. 

I can't really take the advice of "being yourself" seriously anymore in all honesty. We guys try to be ourselves and we get labeled as creepy or in my case a gaslighter (wtf?) and I'm just left with the realization that the answer to all this is social skills.
There are certain social etiquettes that we must abide by, and unfortunately some of us weren't told growing up how to do so. I'm quickly realizing it's all about mastering those etiquettes for certain scenarios like on this app, and I believe the reason we men have to ask questions like this is: what are the proper social etiquettes?
Idk, I'm just an idiot apparently. Any other dudes let me know if this applies to you as well. We're just trying to figure this all out

[ey****]

if we're talking approachability that's in others approaching you - which makes some of the sideswipes here ("women don't answer messages" etc redundant)

So

Rule number 1 : there is no magic formula.   

It doesn't matter what women say they like or don't like. It doesn't matter what a guy on youtube says. It doesn't matter what I say.

Nothing is going to guarantee you results, there are only things people tend to warm to, and things people tend to find off-putting.  Even that, people aren't a hivemind.

-

After that

A couple of profile pics. A profile which isn't overly long but is more than "I'm up for anything!" or "Will complete later" - 2 to 3 paragraphs is good. If you can also include 'vanilla' interests that's great.

You're more likely to be approached if you're noticed and you're more likely to be noticed if you're active.  That isn't an overnight process.

Participating in chat is an option

Contributing to forum discussions is an option (that is "contribute", not just write "communication is  key" on every post, which is a sure sign of lack of communication)

in meat space, attending munches and events is an option

these are all things that get you noticed. Mind your words and behaviour when there can be the difference between "what an arsehole" and "he seems nice" - obvioulsy if you walk into a munch and take a shit on the central table people are going to notice you, but not in a good way.

--

If you are sending messages out then remember of course a lot of people will not reply.  Some of these will not even read your message.  It sucks, but getting angry or bitter about it isn't going to change things.  Accepting that is a big thing.

The other big thing on messaging. This site is overly generous on how many 'icebreaker' messages you can send. The aim should be to stay away from the cap.   If it's day 1, maybe it's OK to send to 2 or 3 people and wait a few days. If all reply, you only have 3 conversations going. If none reply, then another 2 or 3.  It then looks like you're messaging people who you are interested in, rather than those who are *there*

I'm not sure how so few guys realise it's counterproductive to message multiple people