My sub is disobediant, please help...

[CopperKnob]

I might have misread but it sounds like this is a relationship of 2 days and already there are D/s elements?
Going too quickly isn't going to work in real life let alone online.
What do you know about each other?
What do you know about each others kink wants/needs?
What do you know about each others limits/boundaries?
If you both want the relationship to continue I'd suggest stepping back and getting to know each other properly without the D/s. Otherwise all it's ever going to be is role play

[QXX666]

You are a switch and she knows it, either she is testing you or don’t respect you for that.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, MrSadistDaddy said:

You have a Brat not a submissive. Brats are not submissive No matter what people try to convince. Brats like to Top from the bottom and you disrespect and manipulation to get what they want, that is not submission. Submission is giving with clear cut rules and boundaries and those dynamics are not broken ….just because.

“fun”ishment is not a real thing.

Punishment is….and if you are going to punish her for being a Brat then what is the goal?

Now…I don’t know how your relationship started, what agreements and etc you had. But Brats push and “challenge” which is not submission.

You need to have a discussion with her about the dynamic.

I disagree. I'm a brat, and a submissive. Bratting is about pushing to feel the boundaries, and then feeling secure in knowing that they're there. When it comes down to it, brats toe the line with their Dominant.

[Ar****]

6 hours ago, detroit974 said:

Being online dom is pointless, any chick that is seeking this is only interested in the fantasy of a dom/sub relationship and not the actual commitment. Let me know how many days before she hits you up for cash app transfer. She is most likely stringing 1 to 5 guys along for the attention

Way to tar all women in online dynamics with the same brush?

I'm sorry you've not been able to enjoy the potential online relationships can offer, but I can think of four meaningful online D/s relationships I've been in which have each lasted months with voice and video calls, sharing one another's company for 6 or more hours a day/night, no finance involved... I'm not saying the OP has found somebody genuine/suitable/compatible for him (it doesn't read as though he has at all), there's no need to make biased assumptions and discourage him though.

[Deleted Member]

As SophieSubSlut11 mentioned "A bratty type of submissive is still a submissive 1st.", and agree with her. Brat is  one of many traits.

[lolli-leigh]

2 hours ago, MrSadistDaddy said:

You have a Brat not a submissive. Brats are not submissive No matter what people try to convince. Brats like to Top from the bottom and you disrespect and manipulation to get what they want, that is not submission. Submission is giving with clear cut rules and boundaries and those dynamics are not broken ….just because.

“fun”ishment is not a real thing.

Punishment is….and if you are going to punish her for being a Brat then what is the goal?

Now…I don’t know how your relationship started, what agreements and etc you had. But Brats push and “challenge” which is not submission.

You need to have a discussion with her about the dynamic.

I have never seen such a toxic response. You clearly lack an understanding of brats. 

[northern_dom]

5 hours ago, Sir_Mickey said:

Tips or punishments... you are going about this all wrong. First and foremost, if you're not using a Capitalized "D" in Dom, you truly should consider the fact that you need more than just Tips and Tricks to win a battle. There's a reason why "D" is capitalized and the "s" is not anytime you see the dynamic expression "D/s". It's a small detail but We Dominants LIVE in the detail. We don't back down, we don't let's our subs get away with an inch of disrespect and we Pay Attention to Details because subs do too. You, yourself require more training if Tips and New Punishment Ideas is what you think is going to be what fixes the issue that you can't Dominate this sub (THAT is the core issue here). What you should be asking is "How can a I be a better Dominant?"... "Where am I lacking that gives this sub the inclination that she can walk all over me?"... (I guarantee if you dig deep enough, you'll find it's within the details).
subs will ALWAYS be disobedient. Our job is to maintain their lane-staying and that is a constant effort. It never ends, because that is the game. They Want to be punished so they play the game of good girl / bad girl (or good sub / bad sub in respect to subs of all genders). But you will always have to punish... do you honestly think a well trained sub is one you don't have to punish anymore at some point in the future?? No no no... your sub is already playing the game and you don't even know what cards you're holding yet. Get Trained Yourself. Be a better Dom. Play the Game.
When one of my subs is not misbehaving, I give her tasks... nearly IMPOSSIBLE Tasks that she cannot accomplish so that punishments will ensue, because those punishments are fun, they lead to reinforcing that she was a good girl for learning her correction, for trying harder to do better, for enduring her punishment... and she looks forward to that because at the end of that experience she knows she's getting a reward. And then they cycle starts all over again.

If you don't know this and aren't taking full advantage of this cycle process, then I' doubling down that it's You that needs further training. Be a better Dom. Learn what your role is truly meant to do and accomplish. Start with making your sub list out 5-10 of what she considered Rewards, and 5-10 do what She considers punishments. Use that list as your template for this cycle I just described. Adapt it to your methods. Make it your own and make it severe.

Bottom line, Learn Your Craft. If you had, you wouldn't be asking questions like this.

Go get it, before another Dominant shows you how.

Are you really saying here that as a Dominant you set up your sub to fail by giving him/her nearly impossible tasks? Or have I read and misunderstood that? 

 

Do you also say that a well trained sub is a one you will have to punish in the future?  Surely the idea of education and punishment is to correct something you arent happy with so it shouldnt be something that is repeated going forward? 

 

Im astounded by that in all honesty. 

Edited February 9, 2023 by northern_dom

[Ch****]

17 minutes ago, northern_dom said:

Are you really saying here that as a Dominant you set up your sub to fail by giving him/her nearly impossible tasks? Or have I read and misunderstood that? 

 

Do you also say that a well trained sub is a one you will have to punish in the future?  Surely the idea of education and punishment is to correct something you arent happy with so it shouldnt be something that is repeated going forward? 

 

Im astounded by that in all honesty. 

No tall dynamics between D&s are the same. Some subs desire more or less than what you deem as your personal normal. I arrange the dynamic within the spectrum of what my subs and I deem as a solid path towards their goal. The far side of the spectrum usually is required when dealing with an unmanageable or untamable brat, or one that wants to try to Top from the bottom. Tasks like what I described are designed to be difficult but not impossible, and to invoke the process of punishment (in fun, within the confines of the process that the sun has identified as reasonable punishments prior to scenes or rituals). This process has been designed to maintain positive progression. For those involved.

[Deleted Member]

A few of these comments are really proving that there can be a very fine line between dominance and *** :(

[TheDeathRictus]

13 hours ago, MasterDuneUK said:

Online is pointless unless the sub is 100% obedient. Go for her ego and pride, tell her she is a useless sub and not worth your time. If she doesn't behave still then drop her

i have to say you if this is your method you will do nothing but drive away subs looking for a meaningful, supportive dynamic....or victimise the poor people who listen. Stop.

[CopperKnob]

1 hour ago, Sir_Mickey said:

No tall dynamics between D&s are the same. Some subs desire more or less than what you deem as your personal normal. I arrange the dynamic within the spectrum of what my subs and I deem as a solid path towards their goal. The far side of the spectrum usually is required when dealing with an unmanageable or untamable brat, or one that wants to try to Top from the bottom. Tasks like what I described are designed to be difficult but not impossible, and to invoke the process of punishment (in fun, within the confines of the process that the sun has identified as reasonable punishments prior to scenes or rituals). This process has been designed to maintain positive progression. For those involved.

You've changed your tune from...
"Subs will always be disobedient"
"They want to be punished"
To "no tall (not all) dynamics between D/s are the same"
I would suggest those in glass houses don't throw stones

[Wo****]

7 hours ago, lolli-leigh said:

I have never seen such a toxic response. You clearly lack an understanding of brats. 

Stop throwing words around that you don’t understand. Never seen such a toxic response…clearly living a sheltered live if that is your extreme.

Nothing toxic about calling a Brat what they are.

Brats are not submissive and that is a traditionalist belief as well.

Imagine being a Dom and it’s okay to have the equivalent of “Bratting” since that clearly an okay thing to do…..you go to him with your need for his Dominance and they just said, Nah!

Be a Brat….but don’t act like you are a submissive. That’s like someone going i’m a Bratty Slave! 😂 Let’s just make up our own definitions and call them facts shall we.

[de****]

She doesn't sound submissive, she sounds like she enjoys degrading you.

I am a bratty sub and I enjoy teasing and being playful. I want to be ***d into submission. I won't submit to someone who I don't respect.
I don't think she respects you and that's not necessarily a you problem.

[lolli-leigh]

2 hours ago, MrSadistDaddy said:

Stop throwing words around that you don’t understand. Never seen such a toxic response…clearly living a sheltered live if that is your extreme.

Nothing toxic about calling a Brat what they are.

Brats are not submissive and that is a traditionalist belief as well.

Imagine being a Dom and it’s okay to have the equivalent of “Bratting” since that clearly an okay thing to do…..you go to him with your need for his Dominance and they just said, Nah!

Be a Brat….but don’t act like you are a submissive. That’s like someone going i’m a Bratty Slave! 😂 Let’s just make up our own definitions and call them facts shall we.

hense why I did not go on to explain how a brat is a submissive. If you know, you know.

[QXX666]

When a fellow kinkster post a specific or personal question we know she/he won’t get a universal answer. We all have different point of view and that’s fine as long the OP get sense out if it. 
so for the OP, we know it’s a recent online “relationship”, myself I would say it’s just a connection. In my opinion he should have wait few weeks to see if he gets anywhere before asking for help. We don’t really know what they do, what kind of dynamic it is, what they agreed between each others. 
But what’s worried me or puzzled me, maybe not surprising, is the statement of some kinksters here. It’s always wise to read 2/3 times before hitting the post button.
A submissive is human first, then she/he could  add brat into the mould. It still submission at the core. 
A submissive doesn’t chose punishment as a path of submission! There are many D/s relationship who doesn’t include this kind of physical act. Some people on here think the only way to dominate is to punish the sub! No.
Get into a sub mind and they will do anything you want. But it’s not even that, ask your sub what she want to achieve at the end of the submission path, then help them with skill, intelligence, care, support and they will do anything you want. A real Dominant will feel that melting submission when they together.
I know some sub like to be punished, I had many with masochist tendency and will try to obtain it but it’s not their primary goal, and it’s not the Dom primary role, unless he is a sadist. 

To the OP don’t stress too much, you only started and will fail or lose a sub many times. Along the way try to learn and progress in your path. 

[DarkArts1066]

Good morning TomGronigen.

You have found yourself in a difficult situation, which requires considerable understanding before fixing it.
Firstly, I have just read your profile, in which you describe yourself as a ‘switch’ who would like to try Domming

You don’t say how long this dynamic has been in place ? - I would be interested to know how long you have ‘known’ each other, and how far apart you physically are.
For me, the signal there is that you are predominantly sub yourself, and as such may struggle to find your feet with a sub who is bratty.

Has your current sub been a sub to anyone else before ? - (has she had actual experience of being sub in a dynamic?) - I get a feeling that she has more experience of this than yourself perhaps… and is able to play you as a result.

Online D/s dynamics are probably the most difficult for any of us - new and experienced alike.

Trust is the true currency in an online situation.
Your attention can be a reward - the lack of it a punishment.
Do NOT ghost them… that can be damaging.
Withdrawing your time and attention is a wholly different thing.

Your sub has to trust that you will take care of her remotely. The mind game - without physical interaction to rein*** it can be perilous, and difficult to ignite.

You have to trust that your sub will actually follow through with your instructions.

I had an online D/s dynamic a lot of years ago, where - when it ended, my “sub” informed me that she had actually carried out only about ten per cent of the tasks and punishments I had given her. She thought , by doing that she had “outsmarted” me - her words.

In short, she had bratted like a Queen, and played me like a fiddle.
After we had parted company, she contacted me a number of times, asking if we could continue but in a different way, but the damage was done.
Turned out she hadn’t outsmarted me at all - when I ended the association.

Your sub needs to have respect for you, and trust in your abilities, and oat this time, in this instance, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Think about explaining to her that your decisions aren’t options that she can pick and choose from, and that your time is valuable to you…
As a consequence of her non-compliance, you will give her less of your time - which will give her more time to decide what she wants from your arrangement.

Finally, be prepared to do just that.
Have conversations with her, yes… vanilla ones, but as soon as she starts ‘her’ dynamic…. Step away - cool it down. Remove her power, and her authority over you.

Finally - be prepared, if you do the above, for her to end it.
It may just be that it isn’t working for either of you.

[ey****]

in general "Dominant" and "submissive" are often more catch-all terms these days despite, of course, having specific meanings

And whether this rattles people or not - it still doesn't solve someone's problem if the stock answer is "you're not a real Dominant" or "they're not a real submissive" etc - especially as the whole concept of "real" very quickly falls into No True Scotsman fallacy.  

Some people just don't click for whatever reason.  And it MIGHT be that someone is showing a lack of experience or maturity but is probably just that it's not the right relationship at the time.

If a sub is refusing punishments. Is playing up for attention. etc.   Then there is a conversation needed, which kinda begins a little bit with "This isn't working for me..." you can then discuss whether it is best to end the dynamic - or - what one or both of you could change to make it work.

this could be that if she is not going to accept your punishments, it is not going to work.  OR. it could be what types of punishment would she go through with .  

[Ar****]

8 hours ago, MrSadistDaddy said:

Stop throwing words around that you don’t understand. Never seen such a toxic response…clearly living a sheltered live if that is your extreme.

Nothing toxic about calling a Brat what they are.

Brats are not submissive and that is a traditionalist belief as well.

Imagine being a Dom and it’s okay to have the equivalent of “Bratting” since that clearly an okay thing to do…..you go to him with your need for his Dominance and they just said, Nah!

Be a Brat….but don’t act like you are a submissive. That’s like someone going i’m a Bratty Slave! 😂 Let’s just make up our own definitions and call them facts shall we.

Dear oh dear.

You might have your own perceptions and what works for you - but BDSM and the whole portion of humanity which enjoys and experiences it are broader than your world.

Newsflash: you CAN have brats who are submissive, and most of them in our community are! 😱 If you don't understand the psychology behind it that's cool, there are a whole realm of resources here and elsewhere you can use to educate yourself if you wish.

This concept of mutual exclusivity in personality types isn't healthy for anybody. We're tapestries, not parts coming off an assembly line. Your rationale will be saying soft Doms don't exist next, that's the flipside and next logical step right?

[Chloebear]

19 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Dear oh dear.

You might have your own perceptions and what works for you - but BDSM and the whole portion of humanity which enjoys and experiences it are broader than your world.

Newsflash: you CAN have brats who are submissive, and most of them in our community are! 😱 If you don't understand the psychology behind it that's cool, there are a whole realm of resources here and elsewhere you can use to educate yourself if you wish.

This concept of mutual exclusivity in personality types isn't healthy for anybody. We're tapestries, not parts coming off an assembly line. Your rationale will be saying soft Doms don't exist next, that's the flipside and next logical step right?

Yup, I’m a bratty sub. What might be misunderstood is what bratting is … it’s not flat out refusal per se, it’s more playful… Domming a brat is just a different game. I’m not sure it’s a beginner’s game though, maybe that’s part of the struggle for the OP too.

[Ma****]

Shes playing her role. And on fact shes a dom mentally. If you dont like IT tell her or change ur sub

[Chloebear]

Saturday at 10:48 PM, MasterPoland said:

Shes playing her role. And on fact shes a dom mentally. If you dont like IT tell her or change ur sub

She’s not a Domme mentally…. Or she’s be a Domme. Or switch. 😊

[vf****]

Most definitely you're right all the ***

[in****]

On line is always games fake play in my opinion if not in person

[Ma****]

3 hours ago, indianapolis246 said:

On line is always games fake play in my opinion if not in person

That isn't always true, although I do agree somewhat, I had a great relationship, and still do, but not as his Dom, for for a couple of years,