The Consequence Of Saying "No"

[CopperKnob]

(and one of the reasons people ghost and/or use the block button)

🍿🍺

It's hard for any of use to be rejected, particularly when we're already feeling ***. For men though, it must be particularly difficult to worry they'll make a mistake in their approach during the dating game with the potential consequence that they might get a "No", or worse get a "No, here's why." Those are really hard risks to take psychologically. I understand. Feelings of self worth take a hit I'm sure.
.
Of course, it pales in comparison to what happens to women if we make a mistake in our dating process. You know, consequences like being stalked, harrassed, beaten, sexually ***ed or ***ed. Plus the thought of rejection at a time of vulnerability.

There's a definite increase in dangerous men who falsey equate *** of rejection and loneliness with the *** of serious bodily harm and lifelong trauma from making a mistake in the dating game. Ironically, it's often while they're busy denying/dismissing the psychological damage of being constantly subjected to the side dish of bitter male rage and threats when we choose to stay in the dating game, or leave it altogether and remain single.
.
I didn't mean for this post to be gendered but there's no getting around it. Of course all genders have experienced of being ghosted or blocked in the course of being active online. It's just, the amazing number of posts by men who don't understand why it happens, who didn't see it coming in comparison to those type of posts being made by women.
.
Of course, not everyone who ghosts/blocks anyone does it for safety concerns, I'm not claiming that it is, but I can say, it's a very real factor and there's always a reason for someone doing it whether you are aware of that reason or not. It's not a power play, it's not that we're having a "block party". Sometimes we just don't know how you'll respond to a "no" so sometimes we avoid it.
.
Many if us were taught as kids that saying "no" wasn't acceptable. Bodily autonomy wasn't taught rather, we were taught that our bodies weren't our own
"Give your grandad a cuddle"
"Give your uncle a kiss goodbye"
How many who've been pregnant have had friends, family members or even strangers reach out to touch their bellies to see if they could ellicit the unborn to move without consent? How many didn't voice their issue with it? That's were it starts for many of us, when we're nothing more than a foetus.
.
It's why there are posts in the forums here...
"Can I say 'no'?"
"How do I say 'no'?"
Those OP's know they can say it, they often just need validation, so don't ridicule them. Don't tell them they're attention seeking because they aren't.
Give them moral support. When you're told "no" be accepting of it, reply with a "thank you" and nothing more. When you see your friends or even strangers respond unkindly to a "no", call them out on it, don't let it slide.
Above all, recognise that saying "no" can be hard for a lot of people for many different reasons, so when you're ghosted or blocked, don't dwell on it, accept it for what it is, move on. That person wasn't your person.

[Se****]

Love you a little bit more for this. Out of my head and into your words.

Just to add let your “thank you” be the end of the conversation. Don’t let the person who says no breathe a sigh of relief that it was well accepted to then get messages saying “could you just tell me why”, “you owe me a reason”, “are you sure?” Or worse still a picture of all your toys and restraints 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

[Mi****]

Beautifully written. “No” is a perfectly valid response that requires no further explanation or clarification. If you’re on the receiving end, move on and focus your energy on eliciting an enthusiastic “yes” from someone else.

[Ar****]

😢❤

[SirDee]

Sad thing is I’ll like to be told no. Most women rather leave nothing said. Which some of these guys don’t know if your getting the messages because so many offers. Then some guys just horny dogs that don’t know how to think with their minds and not lower selves. For me it just would help in search to just type no or hit the not interested button on here. Then I can move on. Sometimes I’ll like to know why a no. To help me change my approach, but most of the times I am just wondering. I block some ladies that doesn’t go off conversation or assuming things without asking respectfully. Now in a D/s relationship a no means no unless conversation brings it up. If it’s a hard NO ladies and gentlemen got to respect it. Or move on to what you are searching for in a Dom/Sub. Overall this post I have nothing but all love in positivity what you said! ❤️

[ge****]

Beautifully stated as ever CK - and on sites like this, a simple "No thanks" is all that should be needed, though even then I'd venture to add that no response equates to a simple "No thanks" - so even explicitly stating it isn't necessary.
.
Sadly though there are many that don't accept that - who continue to pester and claim "rudeness", "they're up themselves" and worse - those who don't appreciate how difficult it can be for some on here, and the reasons why - perhaps those that can't accept it should be pointed in the direction of this thread - though again sadly I *** they'd find fault with it, or at least their egos would.

[Deleted Member]

I appreciate the feature we have in chat where we can choose to say no thanks and hide rather than block. I don’t want to block everyone that I decide is not someone I want to pursue a relationship with. But you gotta know I get 20 guys a day that are on the other side of the planet claiming they want to move in with me. Ya - or “doms” who don’t bother to read my profile to see that I am a domme and only looking for a sub. I’m sure half are bots. The amount of guys just trying to scam a free sexting session are unreal. I get it - you just want a kinky tinder - whatever leave me alone. It’s unbelievable rude to me when I’ve clearly spent a lot of time and attention writing my profile to make my intentions crystal clear and I get this garbage over and over. Whatever. And yes in the last few years I’ve picked up two stalkers. I had to change my phone number and if I hadn’t left Houston who knows? The better question is why do y’all have to act like predators? Why do so many have to be predators? Ugh it shouldn’t be so hard.

[Lowvan]

Online dating comes down to this:

For men, it requires great effort. For women, it requires great risk.

I can't speak for the experience of any woman, since I am not one, but I'm very aware of all the problems on an online platform they face, and this site which is a celebration of sex and kinks, it gets worse. So much worse. But, let this be a plea to men. The men I'm going to talk about won't read this and if they do, slip into dissonance immediately.

Just this evening alone, in a timespan for 10 minutes, I saw a new profile for a woman. First comment within 1 minute? NICE CUMFACE XOX. Second comment: *something in German whilst she's not from Germany*. Third comment: hi baby xox u up for spankings? when the dude is literally on the other side of the planet.

What does this have to do with anything or relate to this topic? Online is online. Guys are fucking shit, to no one's surprise. As said above, for guys it requires great effort, and effort they do, but usually not great.

You raise a good point about bodily autonomy, which thankfully goes both ways. The creepy uncles or whatever that wanted to hug and kiss you, say no. A hard no. The guys or girl or anything in between you do want to hug, do hug them. Experience physical pleasure from the people you want to experience that from. You're the captain of the vessel that's your own body!

[Deleted Member]

I would love to write a polite no thanks, but it has come to a point I mostly block. It's mostly of *** being harrassed. I had to report 2 men, because blocking was not enough. My heart goes out to the good, polite men, but I must protect myself first.

[Lowvan]

3 minutes ago, kiseu said:

I would love to write a polite no thanks, but it has come to a point I mostly block. It's mostly of *** being harrassed. I had to report 2 men, because blocking was not enough. My heart goes out to the good, polite men, but I must protect myself first.

Absolutely! Ask any man about sites like this and they'll tell you it's a sausagefest. And it is for the reason you mention. Women join and get literally bombarded from all sides. A woman who joined yesterday and thankfully got talking with, got 1000 profile views and 800 (!) messages within 24 hours. Eight-fucking-hundred.

As a hopefully good and polite man, I understand you and I encourage you to protect yourself, even if that means any of my messages to any woman get lost in the pile of the bombardment of messages. Men need to be better, both real life and online.

[Chilled321]

That person wasn't your person.
That's exactly it.
Someone will be though.

[Chilled321]

.....unless you're a complete bellend.

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Love you a little bit more for this. Out of my head and into your words.

Just to add let your “thank you” be the end of the conversation. Don’t let the person who says no breathe a sigh of relief that it was well accepted to then get messages saying “could you just tell me why”, “you owe me a reason”, “are you sure?” Or worse still a picture of all your toys and restraints 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

Absolutely, it doesn't require a rationale

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, MasterDe said:

Sad thing is I’ll like to be told no. Most women rather leave nothing said. Which some of these guys don’t know if your getting the messages because so many offers. Then some guys just horny dogs that don’t know how to think with their minds and not lower selves. For me it just would help in search to just type no or hit the not interested button on here. Then I can move on. Sometimes I’ll like to know why a no. To help me change my approach, but most of the times I am just wondering. I block some ladies that doesn’t go off conversation or assuming things without asking respectfully. Now in a D/s relationship a no means no unless conversation brings it up. If it’s a hard NO ladies and gentlemen got to respect it. Or move on to what you are searching for in a Dom/Sub. Overall this post I have nothing but all love in positivity what you said! ❤️

An explanation isn't needed. No response is a response.

[ey****]

14 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

"No", or worse get a "No, here's why."

My brain has kinda gone off on a tangent.  But, can you actually imagine that ?  If women were honest about reasons for declining or ending conversations.   Some might be less hurtful than others - but..

"I don't find you attractive", "Your profile gives me nothing", "your profile gives me the following red flags", "I can see you have messaged several other people today (due to having sent, say, 100 more than received) and are playing a numbers game", "I found our chats boring", "So, I met someone else", "I saw comments you made in forum/chat that made me go yikes", "I saw the comments you left on other people's photos while you were trying to chat me up", "The type of dynamic you are interested in is actually misogynistic and I'm not into that", "Your username is literally ***yMc***face and I don't date cops"

[ge****]

15 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

My brain has kinda gone off on a tangent.  But, can you actually imagine that ?  If women were honest about reasons for declining or ending conversations.   Some might be less hurtful than others - but..

"I don't find you attractive", "Your profile gives me nothing", "your profile gives me the following red flags", "I can see you have messaged several other people today (due to having sent, say, 100 more than received) and are playing a numbers game", "I found our chats boring", "So, I met someone else", "I saw comments you made in forum/chat that made me go yikes", "I saw the comments you left on other people's photos while you were trying to chat me up", "The type of dynamic you are interested in is actually misogynistic and I'm not into that", "Your username is literally ***yMc***face and I don't date cops"

Or turning it around and those men were honest about their reasons for sending the message in the first place...
.
"Needed a wank and yours was the first profile I opened"
.
"Been desperately messaging everyone within a 200 mile radius and yours was next on the list"
.
"I am BackdoorDestroyer and need to live up to my name and thought you'd do"
.
"That pic of you doing that thing got me hard so that must mean we have a connection"
.
"I just got in from the pub, where I didn't pull, so thought I'd try my luck here"

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, MasterDe said:

Sometimes I’ll like to know why a no. To help me change my approach, but most of the times I am just wondering.

 

If you wrote a decent message, it's not your approach. Most likely you are not what they are looking for. You can't do anything, only nature decides. 

Guys asking "why" is another reason I block. These types are mostly the harrassing types. The asking never stops. I think alot use "why" in hopes the females would change their minds. When I was a new member (naive), a guy kept asking why. It came to a point, I said "look I have no sexual attraction". He asked "why" again. I said "what part of there will never be any sex do you not understand". Do you know what he said "you should give a try, because I'm good". Do you know what stopped this... blocking. 

You have no idea how far a person will go to harrass (unisex). This is only the harrassing part. What about stalking... 🤷‍♀️

 

Edited February 11, 2023 by Deleted Member
Misspellings

[CopperKnob]

31 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

My brain has kinda gone off on a tangent.  But, can you actually imagine that ?  If women were honest about reasons for declining or ending conversations.   Some might be less hurtful than others - but..

"I don't find you attractive", "Your profile gives me nothing", "your profile gives me the following red flags", "I can see you have messaged several other people today (due to having sent, say, 100 more than received) and are playing a numbers game", "I found our chats boring", "So, I met someone else", "I saw comments you made in forum/chat that made me go yikes", "I saw the comments you left on other people's photos while you were trying to chat me up", "The type of dynamic you are interested in is actually misogynistic and I'm not into that", "Your username is literally ***yMc***face and I don't date cops"

The forums would be worse than they are now 🙄
But yeah, I don't understand why people need a why in this instance. I understand how they feel feedback might be helpful but for those that are actual predators its just giving them clues as to how to mask that until it's too late.
"Your username is literally ***yMc***Face and I don't date cops" is rather specific 🤔😂

[CopperKnob]

15 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Or turning it around and those men were honest about their reasons for sending the message in the first place...
.
"Needed a wank and yours was the first profile I opened"
.
"Been desperately messaging everyone within a 200 mile radius and yours was next on the list"
.
"I am BackdoorDestroyer and need to live up to my name and thought you'd do"
.
"That pic of you doing that thing got me hard so that must mean we have a connection"
.
"I just got in from the pub, where I didn't pull, so thought I'd try my luck here"

BackDoorDestroyer? Kinda sounds like this may be a real account 😂

[Deleted Member]

I do hope more and more women start to feel more comfortable with telling us no and giving us a reason why, us men could really do with a bit of guidance from you guys from time to time so we can improve our way of approaching people. We need to realise as well that even though this is a kink dating app and there's lots people posting pictures of themselves expressing their kinks on the news feed it doesn't mean we can just talk with our dicks right of the bat to people. Respect needs to be maintained at all times, the sooner we learn that the better.

[Deleted Member]

The classic demonising all men routine, get a grip. If its a no say so and why, don't be a coward and just run away after conversing.

[CopperKnob]

3 minutes ago, Tommo6989 said:

The classic demonising all men routine, get a grip. If its a no say so and why, don't be a coward and just run away after conversing.

If that's your perspective you're part of the problem
When people are sharing their experiences, respect that that is indeed their experience
Not one person here has hinted at 'all men' other than you. That's because we know it's not 'all men' we do know though that it's some men and we don't know which until they make comments like yours. Thank you

[CopperKnob]

19 minutes ago, kiseu said:

If you wrote a decent message, it's not your approach. Most likely you are not what they are looking for. You can't do anything, only nature decides. 

Guys asking "why" is another reason I block. These types are mostly the harrassing types. The asking never stops. I think alot use "why" in hopes the females would change their minds. When I was a new member (naive), a guy kept asking why. It came to a point, I said "look I have no sexual attraction". He asked "why" again. I said "what part of there will never be any sex do you not understand". Do you know what he said "you should give a try, because I'm good". Do you know what stopped this... blocking. 

You have no idea how far a person will go to harrass (unisex). This is only the harrassing part. What about stalking... 🤷‍♀️

 

Thinking on this though, we're taught not to be honest in ending relationships. Having told my first BF that it was over, he drove off at high s***d and crashed the car (damage to the car, he wasn't hurt). I was demonised because he was a 'nice guy', the crash was 'my fault' and I shouldn't have told him we were done

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Thinking on this though, we're taught not to be honest in ending relationships. Having told my first BF that it was over, he drove off at high s***d and crashed the car (damage to the car, he wasn't hurt). I was demonised because he was a 'nice guy', the crash was 'my fault' and I shouldn't have told him we were done

That's horrible to be blamed. Yeah being blamed for doing nothing wrong... know that feeling. Saying "We should speak the truth". 

Guys saying we are the male bashers. We are only trying to show.... understand why these things are happening to them, and not be bitter.

We don't complain about being ghosted, dumped, guys trying to use us, being cheated on, stringing us like fools and so much more. 

This one is male bashing. I know some men only pick certain girls for sex only. They have no intentions of having a relationship with these women. These men only try to get as much sex as they can, then dumping them. But always saying "I really like you, and you are my girl". 

Edited February 11, 2023 by Deleted Member
Wrote it wrong.

[Se****]

24 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Thinking on this though, we're taught not to be honest in ending relationships. Having told my first BF that it was over, he drove off at high s***d and crashed the car (damage to the car, he wasn't hurt). I was demonised because he was a 'nice guy', the crash was 'my fault' and I shouldn't have told him we were done

WTAF. 🤦🏼‍♀️