excerpt from a letter to a Dom who talked to me about negotiation and enthusiastic consent, but did not negotiate with me

[ar****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

I think you need to read up on consent. Just because someone signs a contract or a consent form doesn't mean that they can't withdraw consent in the moment.
That's why there are safewords.

If you get the impression I'm not clear on consent, I must be miscommunicating here. I'm just saying that if you take consent literally, you'd have to either specify all things that will/could happen in a contract beforehand, or ask your partner in the moment during play.
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But either way, you'd have to be very *specific*, assume nothing, and be *thorough* with it. Like in the OP's story, even _if_ she at some point during play agreed to 'have sex', the 'have sex' consent probably didn't mention positions, a condom, nor oral or coming inside of her. In that light, to me it'd make sense if there would be standard contract templates to make sure people respect eachothers boundaries without *** of "leaving things out" or having conflicts based on assumptions.

[pomonagirl909]

18 hours ago, littlemiss37 said:

Did u vet this guy and if so for how long ? I have been looking up about vetting because lovely folk of here was concerned about me because I'm new . So I'm vetting away x

i took my time in getting to know him, we went out in vanilla scenarios several times, as well as to a Kink Class (where i got to meet a few friends of his and see how he interacts with others), for a few months before we ever played. Vetting is important, and most important is to trust your gut instinct, don't let anyone downplay your boundaries, talk to people you trust, and take your time getting to know a person <3 

[Leisa]

9 hours ago, arnhem961 said:

If you get the impression I'm not clear on consent, I must be miscommunicating here. I'm just saying that if you take consent literally, you'd have to either specify all things that will/could happen in a contract beforehand, or ask your partner in the moment during play.
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But either way, you'd have to be very *specific*, assume nothing, and be *thorough* with it. Like in the OP's story, even _if_ she at some point during play agreed to 'have sex', the 'have sex' consent probably didn't mention positions, a condom, nor oral or coming inside of her. In that light, to me it'd make sense if there would be standard contract templates to make sure people respect eachothers boundaries without *** of "leaving things out" or having conflicts based on assumptions.

YES! You have to discuss what the scene you intend to play will involve and yes, you have to get her consent before you begin.

[Da****]

What a brave and courageous and might I say balanced share. So much to learn in so many ways.

I particularly liked the way you slowed down and brought out rhe nuance in the liking /not liking aspects. There are a lot of aspects and one being positive doesn't mean an autonomic yes to another element.

I've read some of the comments and I must say, in my mind, this isn't one to file under 'consent' as such.
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It's more about the style of patience, pauses, sensing, slowness, feeling 'bonded' before play. It's also about reading, sensing intuiting... That compliance is not consent.
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I think from any pre-talk, there must be a clear signpost to the milestone of the negotiation/what/how chat.
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Everybody should take accountability for it. Especially in new dynamics/relationships. But sensing and intuiting this readiness, this 'locked-and-loaded'ness should be present always, no matter the state of the relationship. No matter the previous agreements. Even during a session.

Thank you again OP for the effort to bring this great learning opportunity to us all, and for explaining it with such heart and including genuine care and confusion for your Dom.
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I recently watched Daisy Jones and The Six (loved it). In a later episode Daisy's character comments about an incident from the first episode where she was 15/6 and in awe of a band leader who worked his way through the groupies.

She said 'people say I was naive to have let that happen and to have been upset about it. I wasn't naive, I was a child'

We should realise and celebrate and protect vulnerability and the moment that isn't ready yet... Not only for its own sake, but also because of how that helps the spirit flow so fully by the time play does actually occur. OMG the beauty.