Deleted Member Posted March 24, 2023 Posted March 24, 2023 Firstly, I'm not sure this is the right place to to post, so apologies in advance if not. Are there any gents here who identify as dominant or like control and yet suffer with self esteem issues? I'm a 39 year old bloke, have a good job and have my life mostly in order. Thing is, I've always suffered with extremely low confidence when it comes to women for typical reasons. To make matters worse, I'm only really aroused by control and domination. I had a few girlfriends during my ***s/early 20s but I have been single since I was around 23/24 (I'm 39 now). This year I made a vow to finally face my ***s and try one more time before I reach 40. I really don't know how to go about it. I'm too honest for my own good, but I know that. I've tried a few sites including sugar baby type sites and have spent a couple of grand in the process. I'm fine talking to women etc. I've met a couple of women now, and although everything goes fine on the date (I've become friends with one), it never progresses beyond friendship as they tell me essentially that I'm not dating/hookup material. Usually very politely, I must say. I just wanted to see if anyone has suffered with similar issues and if/how they overcame them. Or, if anyone reads this and gets the impression that it's a waste of time, please let me know so. Amor fati, I'm not easily offended and there's always escorts🤣. Peace and love x
Deleted Member Posted March 24, 2023 Author Posted March 24, 2023 Hi kaleb I would love to chat. The goal is to get out of the friend zone I can help you with that 😊
Nacho-2589 Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 Ah the dreaded friend zone! I haven’t unfortunately any silver bullet. I will say that many people would not be so brave as to post this. I myself have been in relationships that didn’t work out. Made mistakes, really embarrassing ones. So maybe waiting hasn’t been the worst thing! Patience is a virtue although ***ful. Confidence is hard won and easily lost. I know how that feels. But I truly believe that there’s someone for everyone. For keeps. As hard as it might be I suppose you just keep going? You’re doing the right thing putting yourself out there in my opinion. Keep going! If everyone was as honest as you there would be so many more posts like this!
Nothere-4932 Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 I am there a lot, mostly the dominant friend (both as play partner and plutonic) rather than finding an intimate relationship so if you figure it out let me know.
Deleted Member Posted March 25, 2023 Author Posted March 25, 2023 Hmu I’ll be honest. I’m also a therapist😘
Sp**** Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 Hey Kalebra. This is a double-edged sword. One thing that submissives look for in a Dominant is confidence. Not necessarily because they find it attractive, but because they need to know that the person exerting control over them knows what they are doing. An unsure Dominant more often than not equates to an unsafe Dominant. Especially in the eyes of a submissive. Would you trust your car to a mechanic who was visibly unsure of his ability? Probably not. A D/s relationship is at the core an exchange of services. If you are confident in your ability in things Dominant, then it will translate through to potential submissives. Develop your skills and it will increase your confidence and worth to potential submissive partners. “If you build it..they will come”. Good luck.
QXX666 Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 There are schools for that and you should have spend your couple of grand on how to learn to be confident. If you have been successful in life there is no reason why you can’t be more confident and become a good Dom.
Mi**** Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 Lol. YOU'RE MY TWIN. I'm the exact same way. .... And I've been single for about ten years now. We're just weird i guess.
Deleted Member Posted March 25, 2023 Author Posted March 25, 2023 100% agree with @Spiral66. Try your local dungeon for classes on impact play or rigging. You'll learn a skill, become more confident *and* meet people in the scene. Wins all around.
ge**** Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 Not dominant, so can't comment from that perspective, but do know that confidence and self-esteem can't be taught as such, they need to come from within ultimately - though there are I am sure tips and tricks that can help get you there. . I'm not overly confident myself either, especially sexually, but having spent six years or so on sites like this do know that a lot of it comes down to the facing your ***s and brazening it out a lot of the time - accept that you won't be for everyone, and accept that just because you may not be overly confident, it doesn't have to be a hindrance. . Show people that you're genuinely you, and show them your good qualities and it goes a long way - not every woman is looking for a gym fit Adonis with a big dick and stamina, in fact the vast majority aren't - they're looking for decent, genuine guys who accept themselves as they are and who can demonstrate that. . Once you realise all of that you'll be surprised how much that in itself can help overcome any self-perceived "failings" you might have. . When I first signed up to a well known swingers site I didn't for a minute think anyone would actually show any interest in me, but hung around the forums and was just authentically me and was surprised to find that in my time there people did find me attractive and interesting and someone they wanted to meet. . I'm still not overly self-confident, but my experiences there showed that a lot of that is in my head and whilst I may not think of myself as a "catch" it's not for me to judge myself - now of course I also realise I won't be everyone's cup of tea, and I accept that totally, but I also realise I am someone's cup of tea. . So face those ***s and stick to being you, find ways to make things work for yourself and you won't be going far wrong.
mi**** Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 As a younger man myself. I fucking hope I get to the level of stability you’re currently at. Not a lot of people can maintain their finances/career like that boss. I would try to draw your confidence not from attributes or traits but from the hard work you have already put into your own life. Being confident imo starts by having pride in yourself to accomplish things. You CAN do things everyday over and over and that’s all you need brother. Just look at your professional career and I’m sure your resume/home will reflect a confident man.
Tearmybuttocks Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 Never giv *** or gifts til u r absolutely sure of there seriousness
Deleted Member Posted March 25, 2023 Author Posted March 25, 2023 Confidence is intimately tied to acceptance. The more we are able to accept what we think are our flaws, the more we can be confident we others can as well. The best thing I could recommend is not to waste your time on toxic PUA skills or anything like that, but to go to therapy and to learn proper methods of self-reflection. It’s easy to accept the good things, but once you can accept the things about you that you see as negatives that you can’t change, the better off you’ll be.
Deleted Member Posted March 25, 2023 Author Posted March 25, 2023 Thanks for all the responses! I wasn't expecting that! I appreciate your time and effort and will respond later on tonight when I can sit down and read properly! X
Deleted Member Posted March 25, 2023 Author Posted March 25, 2023 (edited) I looked at your profile. There's nothing wrong with you, except little skinny for me. It's sounds cliche, but all the things they said, because very simple No Attraction. Women wanting serious relationships are only looking for serious material types. If you want to be a Bad Boy type, then 🙈. Yeah, do as few mentioned... go to classes or etc. Women like me are suckers for experts! Also, you might make friends, meet a special one, OR be a bad boy for the night... get laid. Bad Boys are overrated. Smart women know they are nothing but headaches and bad investments. We know if we get a sniff of them, run like hell... Edited March 25, 2023 by Deleted Member Misunderstanding
Sm**** Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 You might try reading “I need your love—is that true?” By Byron Katie. You want love and acceptance from women, but you need to give it to yourself instead.
Me**** Posted March 25, 2023 Posted March 25, 2023 Self confidence building exercises are easy. Find a spot minimum twenty feet or higher above a body of water and just as your body says no… Jump. Bog standard military character building stuff. Point I’m making is, if you want self confidence then keep doing things that make you feel uneasy. Each challenge you set yourself and beat is another brick in your wall of self belief
Deleted Member Posted March 25, 2023 Author Posted March 25, 2023 I consider myself to be submissive but also have confidence issues. Been single my whole life. Trying to network though.
Deleted Member Posted March 25, 2023 Author Posted March 25, 2023 One do you love yourself? That begins there. And secondly lie. I use to definitely not believe in myself but honestly after lying to myself on a daily basis (saying things like "you are hot" "you are funny" "people love being around you" and working on loving myself I definitely have no *** with human interaction
BruiseWayne Posted March 26, 2023 Posted March 26, 2023 There's no magic bullet to suddenly gain confidence overnight. Also what gives one person confidence isn't going to necessarily work for someone else. You've been given a lot of pretty decent advice in this thread, keep trying some of those things out until you land on something that really works for you. I know for me at least life experience gives/gave me a lot of confidence. So put yourself out there. Do some things. Take some chances on things and people you wouldn't normally go for. You'll wind up with lots of stories to tell people and it'll make you seem interesting and intriguing all around, not just only to the opposite sex.
Deleted Member Posted March 26, 2023 Author Posted March 26, 2023 18 hours ago, JesseBaez75 said: One do you love yourself? That begins there. And secondly lie. I use to definitely not believe in myself but honestly after lying to myself on a daily basis (saying things like "you are hot" "you are funny" "people love being around you" and working on loving myself I definitely have no *** with human interaction I have taken your advice. Have felt more positive. Thanks!
Deleted Member Posted March 26, 2023 Author Posted March 26, 2023 1 hour ago, Kalebra84 said: I have taken your advice. Have felt more positive. Thanks! Glad to hear that. Remember the power of words are real.
bi**** Posted March 29, 2023 Posted March 29, 2023 My dom/hubby is the same way! We got lucky and found each other. The sub in me is unlocking his dom potential! My *** gave me some advice once, and my husband reiterated it: the less fucks you give, the happier you’ll be.
53percentnormal Posted April 15, 2023 Posted April 15, 2023 I think the first thing to realise is most guys have self esteem issues and most are very insecure. It's not something that makes you inferior and actually having a bit of self awareness to go with it is quite healthy. Some guys seem to get lost in it and it ends up manifesting itself as *** or driving an Audi. You do need to *** yourself to be brave and not be afraid to flirt/be a bit cheeky (without being disrespectful). It's like everything else in that it's a learning process. Learn to be comfortable with who you are and what you want and you'll find you start naturally finding yourself in the right situations. There'll always be rejections and people you don't click with but that happens to all of us. Just don't have a meltdown or be weird/stalky about it and it's fine. Not sure that helps much but i feel like I've sort of been there in my 20s. Now generally fine apart from my short attention span and ability to be extremely irritating.
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