Why is distance the only thing that matters?

[Ma****]

Not everyone is willing to deal with long distance relationships... In and out of the bdsm community that's a very common preference that's often talked about. But i think within the community, sex is usually a big part of relationships for us, if not our love language entirely. I personally could never marry or date someone i don't like f**king, that's a huge disconnect for me. I also like talking face to face, sharing in person experiences. Or just sharing a space consistently before i feel comfortable sharing my heart. I can't do long distance for that reason. That wouldn't make me and other person compatible.

Also some consider 30 minutes of driving long distance. Everyone is different and has different comfort levels.

[Deleted Member]

Agree with a member, she could be using distance to be gentle in declining (1 hour). I have been guilty of doing this.🙈

I want love to be easy going, and not another work! Guys I talked to wanting long distance... I always asked "Who is going to move?". The usual response is I don't think about it or I can't move. Red Flags!!

For me, alot of guys pushing long distance was using this with an intention of never wanting a relationship, but only goal was visiting few times, getting sex, and when they are not bored or found someone closer... end the connection.

People, you need to remember alot want long distance for bad intentions as well. It's easier to deceive and hide their REAL INTENTIONS with distances!

I am already filtering, and don't need anymore additionals.

Edited March 28, 2023 by Deleted Member
Misspellings

[IR****]

If you think men haven't changed in the past years @gemini_man it shows you are the problem. It's a proven fact men have lower testosterone now and the fact that I said men aren't men anymore and you are offended speaks volumes.

[ep****]

I agree with @Storyteller05 is something that is harder when you want to be with someone more physically unless you have an arrangement set up as more of an open thing till you can be together.

[Deleted Member]

Long distance relationships are not the same as close proximity relationships. The dynamics, emotionally and physically, are very different—as are the amounts of time and effort needed. Trust, the bedrock of any relationship (and for any kind of kink connection), is not necessarily as easy to build over vast distances compared to spending regular time around each other. Just as everyone has different needs for other aspects of a relationship—any of which might make a relationship less viable—distance is also one of these.

[Deleted Member]

I dont know how this is even a discussion, it's a person's preference/choice on how far/long away they want a partner to be, each individual will have their own reasons why & you just have to respect that.

[Mi****]

I was in a 3 year relationship. Me in UK and my Dom in USA. It was very difficult, emotionally, mentally but it was also very intense. COVID happened and we couldn't see each other for a year - it was hard enough flying back and forward every 4 months. Needless to say it ended but my Dom now is about an hour and a half drive away and to me, that's like next door! If you want something, you put the effort in to make it work. If no effort, then it's not for you

[ge****]

56 minutes ago, BerSerkxL85 said:

If you think men haven't changed in the past years @gemini_man it shows you are the problem. It's a proven fact men have lower testosterone now and the fact that I said men aren't men anymore and you are offended speaks volumes.

Where did I say men haven't changed in recent years? Said nothing of the sort, the question is whether men have changed for the better surely? In my opinion whilst it's true the attitudes of some men have changed for the better, there's still a very long way to go.
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Nor did I say I was offended by your statement of men not being men any more - though I did find your comment that "all women have the mentality of a child" not only offensive but baseless too.
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And lower testosterone levels doesn't necessarily equate to a difference in attitude, it's a physical thing due to the rise in obesity and BMI and has little bearing on attitudes - though if it does and changes attitudes away from the chest thumping "I am man, hear me roar" then it's not such a bad thing in my opinion.
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Either way this is all going way off topic so suggest it's left right there, especially as it's very unlikely we'll agree.

[Deleted Member]

I can totally understand the woman on this one. I'm looking for someone who I can see aswell as talk too. I hate swapping pictures all the time! It's sooo boring! And being told what to do over the phone is boring too

[Deleted Member]

Because they want a real relationship- not a fake online relationship. How is this so hard to understand?

[ItsTheTevs]

I mean, I'm a guy and I'd prefer a LTR with someone local because it's easier to organise dates when you're around the corner than it is if you're in different counties (and this is from someone whose relationships have mostly been long distance). It's not a gendered thing.

[Li****]

To some, an hour is nothing to others, way more time than they have, or are willing to give up of their own⏳️

Not wanting/hoping for long distance is understandable.

A lot of people don't have the means to meet others' expectations on- How many times they meet? Who travels to who? For how long? Is it meeting in the middle ever?🤔

For me personally, I'd never want long distance.....BUT...if I met someone worth interacting with online frequently and we eventually got the chance to meet? Sure, I would.
It still isn't ideal in any sense, but it is worth it for the right person.

If I'm talking about any new person, even in this country, who wants me to take a train/bus to them?
Absolutely not.🚩
I don't have the *** to be hopping on trains anytime a man is in this country and wants me to meet. Usually, it is seemingly and very obviously for easy, NSA sex anyway.
I don't have a car either, and wouldn't risk the time, effort, my own safety, a panic attack, them being underage or older than made out, the unknown of a new area, new travel, potential ghosting, potential to be lost or not even a match in person for like, 70 quid one way on *** I don't have lying spare for any online, who could also be a catfish, married, anything really.

If I speak to someone for a while, and there's potential there, we could agree to meet in the middle or something✨️
But I do understand the ladies points entirely here.

[Vu****]

Online = frustrating fantasy relationship. IRL = the real deal.

[hi****]

There a many reasons for wanting to live close by. I've been in a long distance relationship and tbh it's awful. What's the point of a relationship if you aren't able to at least semi consistently go do things together. Also trust is a big issue it's hard to trust that someone isn't cheating on you when you're only a part of their life virtually. And last but not least sex is an important aspect in a relationship so if you're More than an hour away from each other sex is just not going to happen that often. The only time I've seen a long distance relationship work is when both people have a similar online activity that they like to do like videogames. also it kinda seems like they only work well if both people have a lower than average sex drive.

[CopperKnob]

9 hours ago, BerSerkxL85 said:

What women say and what women want are two entirely completely different scenarios. With women you have to control of the scenario in every single way without being too aggressive about it. You have to understand right now a masculine man is the 1% of the population. I will say this it's time and place, pick your arguments. Women are fueled by two things emotions and the other women they surround themselves with. Do men do this? No that's why long distance works for a man but not a woman. Women need constant love, constant care, constant attention. You can't do that in long distance, long distance relationships is like throwing a grenade and expecting it to take out the whole village, when all reality it takes out a few houses. The only way to get a woman is to focus on yourself, remember some women are used to being treated like trash there whole entire life, so when you treat them right. They don't understand. Where do all relationships go wrong? Lack of communication, lack of empathy and some don't know there role in the relationship. Relate to a woman like a small child, they have great but sometimes they will throw Temper tantrums, do not engage take control. Example when a kid throws himself on the floor and starts crying, how does woman handle it vs a man. She asks multiple times we need to go, we are going to be late. Kid cries, why bc in his mind that all that matters, In essence he is right. If that was my kid, I would pick him up, put him on my shoulder rub his back and pretend the crying never happened. What happened? He was comforted. That's women, take control, show that you care favorite food, book, music. Oh huni remember you said those earring were out of stock, oh well they are in stock. As a man it's your birthrate to always take the lead in the situation, noticed how I said lead and not control. A controlling man is insecure with himself.

The 1950's called, they want to learn all about gender equality

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, gemini_man said:

The 70's called and want their attitude back!!
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There's a huge amount of generalisation and sweeping statement in what you say here - just as not all men are the same, nor are all women, and to suggest otherwise is just wide of the mark.
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Yes, men and women have different approaches to some things, but that's not all men, or all women anyway.
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"Relate to a woman like a child"? Really?! How about treating her like an adult and with respect and consideration?
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Either way I'm not sure how any of what you've said actually relates to the issue raised in the OP - I've known women perfectly happy with a long distance relationship, and known men who aren't so again to suggest it's a men vs women thing with some cod psychology thrown in is wide of the mark.

I just copied your comment without actually reading your comment!

[li****]

When two people really want to be together distance shouldn't be a problem but I mean look at the dynamic we are living in to be honest it feels like the wrong people are together at the moment

[xc****]

because there have been so many of us who have been ghosted and being online only makes it really easy for one person to walk away without giving it a second thought. sure you can do that with local relationships too but it’s definitely harder to sustain an online relationship without physical rewards. it’s too much investment, in all fronts. you spend all this time putting in effort and then what if you meet and its not there? or it takes so much planning to coordinate trips and meets. even something as simple as, finding time to talk because of time zones. some people just don’t want to be on their phone constantly, some people don’t trust- especially someone they haven’t met. some of us are just so damn tired of all the talk and no action. literally. it can work, there are people out there that want it.. you just gotta prove that you’re not one of them. after talking with many people, the promises start sounding the same and the ending doesn’t change. feelings start fading out- it takes considerable effort to keep it going and interesting and etc etc. sometimes you just run out of things to say? me, personally? i don’t want to crave someone 1k miles away. full stop. i need to be able to say, i miss you, and see them physically.

[Pl****]

One thing nobody has mentioned is that even if you have a solid LDR, turning that into a non-LDR has its own pitfalls. 

• It's harder to get to know people in long distance relationships. When you're long distance, you're only interacting with a much smaller slice of that person's life, and you're not seeing the full range of their behavior. A more extreme example was when I dated a girl who had a pretty serious drug habit, and I had no idea because she didn't do *** when I was visiting, but there are also plenty of smaller things that can add up to big things. 
• Even if your relationship seems great, and you have an accurate assessment of each other, your relationship is great in the context of distance, but that doesn't necessarily translate to being great without it. I've met so many people who moved to be close to a LDR partner and found that the relationship dynamic changed. Sometimes it still worked, but a lot of the time it didn't.
• For the person that moves closer to their partner, they're also giving up proximity to their support system (friends/family). How big a deal that is varies depending on the person, but can be much scarier for women. 

Relationships are investments. When they don't work out, you don't get back the time you put in. If you're long distance, you're adding extra risk to that investment, and maybe extra time and *** too. It's entirely reasonable for that not to be worth it to some people. And like some other people have said, long distance kinda sucks anyway. Even aside from the aforementioned issues, you don't get to see each other as much, it's more trouble when you do, you can't do it as spontaneously, and/or more of your interaction is of the inferior virtual variety rather than in-person. For someone who wants something serious, they're worse in every way. 

[ge****]

3 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I just copied your comment without actually reading your comment!

Great minds and all that 😉😀

[Je****]

I've been following this. And also refraining from commenting as so much is fuelling me 😬

 

The twit who's basically just came here to belittle and insult women and men alike is just.... 🤨🤨

 

That aside, the main topic by OP... 

 

I agree with someone who asked were you miffed with the rejection from the lady. This was my first thought also. 

To put it basically... Their reasons are none of your business. And you don't need to understand, which will be pointless anyway as it's going to be different per individual. 

Just because someone wants local doesn't automatically mean they want hook ups. That's quite an unfair assumption. 

 

To the person who said about LDR working out and effort etc.. this resonated with me, a very sensible and practical answer. 

Here's my own experience and answer... 

 

- I came here looking for something local. As in within 100 miles. I had a local attraction which ended very fast due to his possessive nature, lies and deciet, and lack of time for me... (Which i later uncovered was related to the above). 

- So i all but gave up and just went with the flow. Still said to myself i want local. Not for "hook ups", as thats not my style for many reasons, but for a real in person regular meet up and connection. 

- I hung about and someone from England caught my eye, and i, his. I chatted without much of an expectation. We meet after 8wks (he flew to me). We decided to give it a go. Despite people's criticism and doubts we made it work and continued to fly back to see one another. 

- This all but became too expensive. Unpractical with fitting in work holidays and childcare scheduling and family time and other things like appointments, and affordability. Plus the fact ut became increasingly more difficult and upsetting every time we parted and knowing it could be 6-12 weeks before we could see each other again.

 

- We talked over our options. And decided we want to live together. So we did just that. It took us a long time to get our shit in order, save up and actually plan the move, relocating jobs, leaving friends and family behind. (Although we were only 400 miles apart it was still a plane and train ride away, 6hr travel time at least). 

- Now?? We finally made that move. He moved over to Northern Ireland to live with me for a few years. I couldn't move to him at the moment due to childcare and education, and medical reasons. But we did it. I plan to move to england with him one day when things are settled but that'll take time. More time than practical if we had of stayed long distance. It would have broke me. 

- I needed company, love and attention and affection. I wanted to look after him, love and support him as he's also my best friend. And he does just that for me. But had we stayed so far apart, I'd of just struggled. (Call me needy, I don't care). We've been together almost 3 years. It was worth it. 

 

 

...

 

- That being said, we are polyamorous. So we can see others. If we so wish. And while this was easy when being so far apart, i still would have missed him. But now i have my partner in crime by my side and the luxury of dating krhers and what not.

- The poly thing being important to this topic for me, is... Even though i can see others... Would i do long distance again...? No. 

Why? Because i need that support and in person time and effort. I am emotional and very physical and due to my past and things, i need that regular connection. Someone else i would date if far away, I'd feel like i am giving them a small part of me. I can't up and fly away and spend weeks at a time visiting and having people travel here and back and go through the ache of it all again. 

I will be definitely exploring more, but local for me. Simply because i know i can get a 30 min bus to mset someone. To have that coffee on a whim, or whatever else. 

While this is where i stand, someone i may chat to, their definition of 'local' could be very different to my 100 miles. Theirs could be 30 miles. And thats perfectly fine and not for me to challenge. 

I don't know their reasons, perhaps they're skint and embarrassed. Perhaps they have kids, or a family member they can't be too far from, for too long, perhaps they're on call with work, perhaps they're anxious about being too far from home.

It's none of my business and if it's too far for them, or for me, we each as humans need to respect someone's boundaries and limits. 

 

And while I've had one successful relationship on here, that doesn't mean I'll find the same thing again. Nor should i demand someones expectations to meet mine in regards to how far something is. 

That's the beauty of it. Once you're not looking, someone in the right place at the right time will fall into your lap and it'll just ... Work. 

Keep that faith. Accept the rejections when they come (I've had plenty, it's hard but that's life), and once we realise that, we soon forget them and focus on what's ahead of us.

 

 

[littlemiss37]

It isn't for me but I have kids aswell that I need to think about . If I met the right person in real life then mayb I would . Tried long distance before turned out he wasn't who i thought he was x

[lu****]

I like to keep it within ideally two hours from my location. For me, I just haven’t had the best experiences with long-distance relationships. I’m a very hands-on person and require a lot of attention so for me, it’s like why build the bond and not be able to get what I need from it. In the end for me, it would just hurt me more to make a connection and bond with somebody that can never really be there for me in the way that I need them to be. Like I understand that people can travel and stuff for me personally, I’m fine with traveling, but I do not have the resources to do. The math travel that I would need to satisfy my needs, also I feel when you have the long distance stuff you still are pretty separate lives and like I said, I require a lot of attention. It’s hard to get their attention if you’re not living near somebody.  I would also take into consideration that for either party I wouldn’t just expect somebody to move closer to me if we do bond and decide to go into a serious relationship just as I wouldn’t expect them to expect me to drop everything and move there. You have to take in consideration of the backgrounds of people of what they have going on in their regular lives if that would be something that can even happen or work for me relocation is not an option for at least another two years because I have ***.

[Deleted Member]

Well personally for me distance is important!! If I connect with someone and want to meet IRL i don't want to drive 2 or 3 hours one way to spend time with someone!! Especially after working all day !! I dated someone who lived 2+ hours away and didn't drive, so could only meet on my days off!! Not everyone has the financial freedom to just fly across the country, or drive 3-4 hours one way to meet someone!!

[Chloebear]

Not a major issue for me, but the more responsibilities you have the less practical it is (kids or pets etc). I did a lot of long distance, but then when the right person came along, being so far apart wasn’t sustainable. Granted it was over 300miles… so he moved :) but if we had ruled it out on distance we wouldn’t be where we are now… it depends a little on how flexible your circumstances are.