Why is distance the only thing that matters?

[ey****]

10 hours ago, Pleasurecalculus said:

I've met so many people who moved to be close to a LDR partner and found that the relationship dynamic changed.

Same, and your other points hold up

if you're doing something at distance, then every meet up feels like an 'event' or date - which it effectively is.  It's probably closer to being serialised hook-ups.  Which is really nice and great for folk.  But, then kinda what sometimes happen is folk will relocated or move in together - and - yep, this is when problems sort.

That's not to say it won't work or can never work, absolutely not - but yep, it's certainly easier for something to work long term with folk who can spend a lot of time together 

[Bl****]

Because talking online and being in person are too wildly different things. I dont have the means or time to fly halfway across the country for someone who might be my kinky match. I simply cant!

Most people have to make due with whose close as a lot of people also don't have the ***, time available off work, or both! I've connected with guys elsewhere but the spark fades for me if I have to wait 6 months to actually ever see him in a way that let's me know a physical connection is there.

Also I love being intimate and wouldn't want to wait a long time before I could engage.

[Ja****]

I mean I can't do long distance myself. Physical touch is my love language and if I can't kiss and hug my girl then it's not gonna rock

[De****]

It's perfectly reasonable to expect to see your long term partner. If distance isn't a problem for you, I guess you'll do all the commuting, yes? I've travelled hundreds of miles to get laid but a serious relationship for most people requires proximity.

[Deleted Member]

I appreciate all of the responses in this post, but unfortunately, it seems I failed to get my point across, so I'll give it one more try........
I haven't been sitting here wondering "why won't anyone enter a long-term relationship with me." The point I was trying to make was, why is distance the only factor some people look at? What's wrong with saying hi to someone that shares the same interests as you do, and see what happens? Haven't you ever had a friend that ended up turning into something more? Or, maybe you do find yourself in a long-term relationship. Why would you assume it will always be a long-term relationship?
Why does it hafta be all or nothing?
The odds of finding someone with an app are already low, so why are we willing to throw away opportunities to meet someone, as if the only thing that sets us apart is where we live.

[Deleted Member]

My frustration is in the fact that no one will even say hi to me just because I live farther away than they would like. This has nothing to do with a relationship. I don't even get a chance to see if I get along with anyone...to see if there's anything there.

[Deleted Member]

unless you live in a big city, these apps are completely useless.

[Th****]

You're asking the same question, again. You've gotten answers. 

 

Why would someone put in that time and effort if they know long distance is a deal breaker for them? 

Someone also made the point of perhaps that's just the reason they gave you because it was an easy one and not necessarily the real reason. 

[CopperKnob]

25 minutes ago, TheOneDom said:

I appreciate all of the responses in this post, but unfortunately, it seems I failed to get my point across, so I'll give it one more try........
I haven't been sitting here wondering "why won't anyone enter a long-term relationship with me." The point I was trying to make was, why is distance the only factor some people look at? What's wrong with saying hi to someone that shares the same interests as you do, and see what happens? Haven't you ever had a friend that ended up turning into something more? Or, maybe you do find yourself in a long-term relationship. Why would you assume it will always be a long-term relationship?
Why does it hafta be all or nothing?
The odds of finding someone with an app are already low, so why are we willing to throw away opportunities to meet someone, as if the only thing that sets us apart is where we live.

I think that most comments have answered not only your OP but most of your questions within the follow up.
From my perspective, I get bored driving after 90mins because I have a short attention span and get bored rather easily. I also know that whilst my parents are alive I'll never move from this area so LDR's are not for me. Even if the other person is going to do all the travelling, in all likelihood it still won't work for me,

I need to feel someones dominance and that doesn't happen through a phone/on the internet
Whilst nothing lasts forever, why wouldn't I assume that a relationship is going to be long term? I'm not a ***ager anymore and FWBs has never interested me, I want more, why wouldn't I want all or nothing? If I'm going to invest my time in something or someone I expect the same in return
I think also that you've answered your own question when you ask "what's wrong with saying hi to someone and see what happens?"
Because this is typically the first message content you get from someone whose 100's of miles away. There's already an expectation from them that something may or will happen when I know that it won't because that's not what I want. And, whilst you might argue that I'm shutting down potential opportunities, I'm not going to invest time in something I don't want.
And so it comes down to the same old two points here
1. No one owes anyone anything outside of an established relationship
2. We need to respect other peoples boundaries
Most people aren't relying on an app to meet others, it's simply a tool alongside the real world.

[xc****]

i’ll admit, i reread your post and saw the part about someone not pursuing things because you guys were an hour away from each other. i have no answers for you and wish i did because ha, that happened to me too and yes, i agree it’s super frustrating because, an hour ain’t that bad considering.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that most comments have answered not only your OP but most of your questions within the follow up.
From my perspective, I get bored driving after 90mins because I have a short attention span and get bored rather easily. I also know that whilst my parents are alive I'll never move from this area so LDR's are not for me. Even if the other person is going to do all the travelling, in all likelihood it still won't work for me,

I need to feel someones dominance and that doesn't happen through a phone/on the internet
Whilst nothing lasts forever, why wouldn't I assume that a relationship is going to be long term? I'm not a ***ager anymore and FWBs has never interested me, I want more, why wouldn't I want all or nothing? If I'm going to invest my time in something or someone I expect the same in return
I think also that you've answered your own question when you ask "what's wrong with saying hi to someone and see what happens?"
Because this is typically the first message content you get from someone whose 100's of miles away. There's already an expectation from them that something may or will happen when I know that it won't because that's not what I want. And, whilst you might argue that I'm shutting down potential opportunities, I'm not going to invest time in something I don't want.
And so it comes down to the same old two points here
1. No one owes anyone anything outside of an established relationship
2. We need to respect other peoples boundaries
Most people aren't relying on an app to meet others, it's simply a tool alongside the real world.

Never said a thing about anyone owing me anything smh

[CopperKnob]

24 minutes ago, TheOneDom said:

My frustration is in the fact that no one will even say hi to me just because I live farther away than they would like. This has nothing to do with a relationship. I don't even get a chance to see if I get along with anyone...to see if there's anything there.

So, it is a "I'm not getting anywhere here/woe is me" post 🤷‍♀️
Do you hear the entitlement of your frustration with others for having their own wants, needs and boundaries?
Add to that you've been here 1 whole month!
I've been here over 2yrs with a couple different profiles. Know how many people I've IRL from this app? One
He was not local. Because of that, I could not vet him effectively despite chatting daily for the best part of 6mths. Turned out there were substance misuse issues and a huge previous consent *** involving Police. It was not until after those months of me investing my time that we met (covid) and immediately something was off. Again, you don't get that via the phone/internet when someone is sneaky.
There are couples that have met here. It can work but it takes hard work.

[Deleted Member]

Just wish I could get a chance to talk to someone that lives within an hour from me. Is that really too much to hope for?

[Deleted Member]

Sorry I asked

[Deleted Member]

19 minutes ago, xcacoethes said:

i’ll admit, i reread your post and saw the part about someone not pursuing things because you guys were an hour away from each other. i have no answers for you and wish i did because ha, that happened to me too and yes, i agree it’s super frustrating because, an hour ain’t that bad considering.

And just today, that very same person was listed first under "kinksters in your area." 🤷‍♂️😏

[Deleted Member]

22 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that most comments have answered not only your OP but most of your questions within the follow up.
From my perspective, I get bored driving after 90mins because I have a short attention span and get bored rather easily. I also know that whilst my parents are alive I'll never move from this area so LDR's are not for me. Even if the other person is going to do all the travelling, in all likelihood it still won't work for me,

I need to feel someones dominance and that doesn't happen through a phone/on the internet
Whilst nothing lasts forever, why wouldn't I assume that a relationship is going to be long term? I'm not a ***ager anymore and FWBs has never interested me, I want more, why wouldn't I want all or nothing? If I'm going to invest my time in something or someone I expect the same in return
I think also that you've answered your own question when you ask "what's wrong with saying hi to someone and see what happens?"
Because this is typically the first message content you get from someone whose 100's of miles away. There's already an expectation from them that something may or will happen when I know that it won't because that's not what I want. And, whilst you might argue that I'm shutting down potential opportunities, I'm not going to invest time in something I don't want.
And so it comes down to the same old two points here
1. No one owes anyone anything outside of an established relationship
2. We need to respect other peoples boundaries
Most people aren't relying on an app to meet others, it's simply a tool alongside the real world.

What part of anything I said was disrespectful of anyone's boundaries? All I did was ask why distance the only thing that seems to matter.

[Deleted Member]

31 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that most comments have answered not only your OP but most of your questions within the follow up.
From my perspective, I get bored driving after 90mins because I have a short attention span and get bored rather easily. I also know that whilst my parents are alive I'll never move from this area so LDR's are not for me. Even if the other person is going to do all the travelling, in all likelihood it still won't work for me,

I need to feel someones dominance and that doesn't happen through a phone/on the internet
Whilst nothing lasts forever, why wouldn't I assume that a relationship is going to be long term? I'm not a ***ager anymore and FWBs has never interested me, I want more, why wouldn't I want all or nothing? If I'm going to invest my time in something or someone I expect the same in return
I think also that you've answered your own question when you ask "what's wrong with saying hi to someone and see what happens?"
Because this is typically the first message content you get from someone whose 100's of miles away. There's already an expectation from them that something may or will happen when I know that it won't because that's not what I want. And, whilst you might argue that I'm shutting down potential opportunities, I'm not going to invest time in something I don't want.
And so it comes down to the same old two points here
1. No one owes anyone anything outside of an established relationship
2. We need to respect other peoples boundaries
Most people aren't relying on an app to meet others, it's simply a tool alongside the real world.

I'm guessing you didn't bother to read my bio either. I'm literally the most respectful guy you will ever find.

[Deleted Member]

Tuesday at 09:58 PM, Finally_Jen said:

I've been following this. And also refraining from commenting as so much is fuelling me 😬

 

The twit who's basically just came here to belittle and insult women and men alike is just.... 🤨🤨

 

That aside, the main topic by OP... 

 

I agree with someone who asked were you miffed with the rejection from the lady. This was my first thought also. 

To put it basically... Their reasons are none of your business. And you don't need to understand, which will be pointless anyway as it's going to be different per individual. 

Just because someone wants local doesn't automatically mean they want hook ups. That's quite an unfair assumption. 

 

To the person who said about LDR working out and effort etc.. this resonated with me, a very sensible and practical answer. 

Here's my own experience and answer... 

 

- I came here looking for something local. As in within 100 miles. I had a local attraction which ended very fast due to his possessive nature, lies and deciet, and lack of time for me... (Which i later uncovered was related to the above). 

- So i all but gave up and just went with the flow. Still said to myself i want local. Not for "hook ups", as thats not my style for many reasons, but for a real in person regular meet up and connection. 

- I hung about and someone from England caught my eye, and i, his. I chatted without much of an expectation. We meet after 8wks (he flew to me). We decided to give it a go. Despite people's criticism and doubts we made it work and continued to fly back to see one another. 

- This all but became too expensive. Unpractical with fitting in work holidays and childcare scheduling and family time and other things like appointments, and affordability. Plus the fact ut became increasingly more difficult and upsetting every time we parted and knowing it could be 6-12 weeks before we could see each other again.

 

- We talked over our options. And decided we want to live together. So we did just that. It took us a long time to get our shit in order, save up and actually plan the move, relocating jobs, leaving friends and family behind. (Although we were only 400 miles apart it was still a plane and train ride away, 6hr travel time at least). 

- Now?? We finally made that move. He moved over to Northern Ireland to live with me for a few years. I couldn't move to him at the moment due to childcare and education, and medical reasons. But we did it. I plan to move to england with him one day when things are settled but that'll take time. More time than practical if we had of stayed long distance. It would have broke me. 

- I needed company, love and attention and affection. I wanted to look after him, love and support him as he's also my best friend. And he does just that for me. But had we stayed so far apart, I'd of just struggled. (Call me needy, I don't care). We've been together almost 3 years. It was worth it. 

 

 

...

 

- That being said, we are polyamorous. So we can see others. If we so wish. And while this was easy when being so far apart, i still would have missed him. But now i have my partner in crime by my side and the luxury of dating krhers and what not.

- The poly thing being important to this topic for me, is... Even though i can see others... Would i do long distance again...? No. 

Why? Because i need that support and in person time and effort. I am emotional and very physical and due to my past and things, i need that regular connection. Someone else i would date if far away, I'd feel like i am giving them a small part of me. I can't up and fly away and spend weeks at a time visiting and having people travel here and back and go through the ache of it all again. 

I will be definitely exploring more, but local for me. Simply because i know i can get a 30 min bus to mset someone. To have that coffee on a whim, or whatever else. 

While this is where i stand, someone i may chat to, their definition of 'local' could be very different to my 100 miles. Theirs could be 30 miles. And thats perfectly fine and not for me to challenge. 

I don't know their reasons, perhaps they're skint and embarrassed. Perhaps they have kids, or a family member they can't be too far from, for too long, perhaps they're on call with work, perhaps they're anxious about being too far from home.

It's none of my business and if it's too far for them, or for me, we each as humans need to respect someone's boundaries and limits. 

 

And while I've had one successful relationship on here, that doesn't mean I'll find the same thing again. Nor should i demand someones expectations to meet mine in regards to how far something is. 

That's the beauty of it. Once you're not looking, someone in the right place at the right time will fall into your lap and it'll just ... Work. 

Keep that faith. Accept the rejections when they come (I've had plenty, it's hard but that's life), and once we realise that, we soon forget them and focus on what's ahead of us.

 

 

You're literally saying I have no right to ask a question? I'm not trying to argue or change anyone's mind. I was just curious why it's such an issue.

[Deleted Member]

Tuesday at 09:58 PM, Finally_Jen said:

I've been following this. And also refraining from commenting as so much is fuelling me 😬

 

The twit who's basically just came here to belittle and insult women and men alike is just.... 🤨🤨

 

That aside, the main topic by OP... 

 

I agree with someone who asked were you miffed with the rejection from the lady. This was my first thought also. 

To put it basically... Their reasons are none of your business. And you don't need to understand, which will be pointless anyway as it's going to be different per individual. 

Just because someone wants local doesn't automatically mean they want hook ups. That's quite an unfair assumption. 

 

To the person who said about LDR working out and effort etc.. this resonated with me, a very sensible and practical answer. 

Here's my own experience and answer... 

 

- I came here looking for something local. As in within 100 miles. I had a local attraction which ended very fast due to his possessive nature, lies and deciet, and lack of time for me... (Which i later uncovered was related to the above). 

- So i all but gave up and just went with the flow. Still said to myself i want local. Not for "hook ups", as thats not my style for many reasons, but for a real in person regular meet up and connection. 

- I hung about and someone from England caught my eye, and i, his. I chatted without much of an expectation. We meet after 8wks (he flew to me). We decided to give it a go. Despite people's criticism and doubts we made it work and continued to fly back to see one another. 

- This all but became too expensive. Unpractical with fitting in work holidays and childcare scheduling and family time and other things like appointments, and affordability. Plus the fact ut became increasingly more difficult and upsetting every time we parted and knowing it could be 6-12 weeks before we could see each other again.

 

- We talked over our options. And decided we want to live together. So we did just that. It took us a long time to get our shit in order, save up and actually plan the move, relocating jobs, leaving friends and family behind. (Although we were only 400 miles apart it was still a plane and train ride away, 6hr travel time at least). 

- Now?? We finally made that move. He moved over to Northern Ireland to live with me for a few years. I couldn't move to him at the moment due to childcare and education, and medical reasons. But we did it. I plan to move to england with him one day when things are settled but that'll take time. More time than practical if we had of stayed long distance. It would have broke me. 

- I needed company, love and attention and affection. I wanted to look after him, love and support him as he's also my best friend. And he does just that for me. But had we stayed so far apart, I'd of just struggled. (Call me needy, I don't care). We've been together almost 3 years. It was worth it. 

 

 

...

 

- That being said, we are polyamorous. So we can see others. If we so wish. And while this was easy when being so far apart, i still would have missed him. But now i have my partner in crime by my side and the luxury of dating krhers and what not.

- The poly thing being important to this topic for me, is... Even though i can see others... Would i do long distance again...? No. 

Why? Because i need that support and in person time and effort. I am emotional and very physical and due to my past and things, i need that regular connection. Someone else i would date if far away, I'd feel like i am giving them a small part of me. I can't up and fly away and spend weeks at a time visiting and having people travel here and back and go through the ache of it all again. 

I will be definitely exploring more, but local for me. Simply because i know i can get a 30 min bus to mset someone. To have that coffee on a whim, or whatever else. 

While this is where i stand, someone i may chat to, their definition of 'local' could be very different to my 100 miles. Theirs could be 30 miles. And thats perfectly fine and not for me to challenge. 

I don't know their reasons, perhaps they're skint and embarrassed. Perhaps they have kids, or a family member they can't be too far from, for too long, perhaps they're on call with work, perhaps they're anxious about being too far from home.

It's none of my business and if it's too far for them, or for me, we each as humans need to respect someone's boundaries and limits. 

 

And while I've had one successful relationship on here, that doesn't mean I'll find the same thing again. Nor should i demand someones expectations to meet mine in regards to how far something is. 

That's the beauty of it. Once you're not looking, someone in the right place at the right time will fall into your lap and it'll just ... Work. 

Keep that faith. Accept the rejections when they come (I've had plenty, it's hard but that's life), and once we realise that, we soon forget them and focus on what's ahead of us.

 

 

What's so horrible about wondering why someone won't say hi to another person that shares the same interests? I'm not asking why no one wants a long-term relationship. I get that. I'm just asking what's wrong with talking to someone to see if there's anything there.

[Deleted Member]

Tuesday at 10:40 PM, luvbuzzloo said:

I like to keep it within ideally two hours from my location. For me, I just haven’t had the best experiences with long-distance relationships. I’m a very hands-on person and require a lot of attention so for me, it’s like why build the bond and not be able to get what I need from it. In the end for me, it would just hurt me more to make a connection and bond with somebody that can never really be there for me in the way that I need them to be. Like I understand that people can travel and stuff for me personally, I’m fine with traveling, but I do not have the resources to do. The math travel that I would need to satisfy my needs, also I feel when you have the long distance stuff you still are pretty separate lives and like I said, I require a lot of attention. It’s hard to get their attention if you’re not living near somebody.  I would also take into consideration that for either party I wouldn’t just expect somebody to move closer to me if we do bond and decide to go into a serious relationship just as I wouldn’t expect them to expect me to drop everything and move there. You have to take in consideration of the backgrounds of people of what they have going on in their regular lives if that would be something that can even happen or work for me relocation is not an option for at least another two years because I have ***.

And if you read the first sentence I wrote, this has been something I've been wondering about since day one. The one that happened the other day, was just the one that made me want to ask. But I am sorry I asked now, believe me.

[Deleted Member]

This is literally the unfriendliest community I could ever imagine

[Deleted Member]

It was a question. That's all. I never said anyone owed me anything, and I didn't disrespect anyone's boundaries by asking that question.
And no, you didn't answer my question either. My question had nothing to do with a relationship, but all you did was give reasons for why a relationship would be difficult long distance, as if I couldn't figure that out on my own. That wasn't even close to what I was asking.

[CopperKnob]

OP, I'll respond to the DM you've send me here.
.
You were masking your frustration with a lack of interaction with a nonsensical question which absolutely boils down to peoples wants wishes and boundaries whether you accept that or not. So apologies if you feel that I didn't answer your question. It's most likely because I didn't feel that there was one to answer.
The frustration in your OP is very much there to see given the !!!!! In the latter paragraphs. BTW, are you aware that most people won't provide an explanation as to why they don't want to engage in conversation with others? It's laid out in a post on the forums called "The consequence of saying no"
The reality is, you received a really polite explanation to which you've responded publically "I live within an hour of this person!!! What is going on!?!?!"
Entitlement on one side, enforcing boundaries on the other is what's going on.
My earlier comment stands. I'm sorry you were unhappy with it

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, ThaliaVirago said:

You're asking the same question, again. You've gotten answers. 

 

Why would someone put in that time and effort if they know long distance is a deal breaker for them? 

Someone also made the point of perhaps that's just the reason they gave you because it was an easy one and not necessarily the real reason. 

I never said anything about anyone giving me a reason for anything. Not even the woman I mentioned that said I wasn't local enough for her.
I also wasn't looking for answers on why people don't like long distance relationships. I didn't even mention the words "long distance relationship," but for some reason that's all everyone is talking about.

[Deleted Member]

And here we go again. I try to tell them that they're not actually answering the question I'm asking, and they block me without even trying to understand.