YorkshireBiker Posted April 5, 2023 Posted April 5, 2023 Hi all, newish to the site and and life still getting my bearing as some of you may have already read. Both my wife and I are pretty submissive which means neither of us is really taking charge and as a result we don’t seem to be making her most of our intimate lives together. Neither has the confidence to adopt a more dominant role but this is something I’m going to explore. I’m looking for any advice or tips on taking on the dominant role and small steps I can take to help my increase my confidence in this.
Am**** Posted April 5, 2023 Posted April 5, 2023 I wish I could help you and say it’s something you can learn. In my experience as a long term sub, you either are dominant and it’s naturally the way you are or you’re not. I’ve had ex partners who were not dominant but tried to be dominant because they thought it would please me. But I could feel it was an act so it didn’t work. (Hence why I’m single! I’m yet to find someone who is Dom and wants more than a bit of fun at the moment!). Be interested to see what others think about this one!?!
to**** Posted April 5, 2023 Posted April 5, 2023 Start soft. Tie her up, blindfold her etc. gradual steps should hopefully make you more naturally controlling.
littlemiss37 Posted April 5, 2023 Posted April 5, 2023 41 minutes ago, AmyM333 said: I wish I could help you and say it’s something you can learn. In my experience as a long term sub, you either are dominant and it’s naturally the way you are or you’re not. I’ve had ex partners who were not dominant but tried to be dominant because they thought it would please me. But I could feel it was an act so it didn’t work. (Hence why I’m single! I’m yet to find someone who is Dom and wants more than a bit of fun at the moment!). Be interested to see what others think about this one!?! I'm the same . Yet to find someone that wants to know me and also more than a bit of fun x
DeviantInside Posted April 5, 2023 Posted April 5, 2023 Ok… so I am maybe not the best person to give advise on this as I have only ever been dominant and honestly couldn’t think of being any other way… but, what if you turn it on its head and see giving the other person what they really need as a way of serving them? Kinda counter intuitive but if it works for you that’s all that matters. So being dominant for that period is a way of serving your partner’s needs. You are finding a way to serve their wants for that period. That would mean open and honest discussions about what that would entail. What fantasies they have. What kinks they want to explore. But by thinking you are pushing yourself to do something purely to satisfy them you may unlock things you may not have considered before. As I say it’s just a thought and feel free to disregard if it doesn’t resonate.
CopperKnob Posted April 6, 2023 Posted April 6, 2023 I do think someone is able to learn how to be Dominant. No one instantly knows how to use impact toys, no one instantly knows shibari, no one instantly know's ethics, SCC, RACK and so on, all of that is learnt.
ey**** Posted April 6, 2023 Posted April 6, 2023 neither of you might necessarily need to be 'Dominant' you can play together without it being D/s a first step might be to kinda find out what each other would like to try - cos otherwise you're going to get people projecting their fantasies.
Nocturne Posted April 9, 2023 Posted April 9, 2023 If it feels unnatural to try to be dominant in the way that is often expected; giving orders, giving punishments, doing the tying up, and so on and so forth, you might want to simply take a look at what parts of BDSM appeal to the two of you, discuss why, what feelings you are trying to reach, and based on that have a more fluid dynamic, until you see whether or not you would like to have a stable Dom/sub dynamic where the roles remain the same as the dynamic grows and changes within those measures. Personally I initially found my dominance, at least in a BDSM context where it felt like something has clicked, in sadism. I felt like I had found a part of myself, and from there I could try other things, maybe discipline is your thing, maybe that feels 'too dom' for you to try, either way, you can play around with it, don't put too much pressure on it all.
YorkshireBiker Posted April 9, 2023 Author Posted April 9, 2023 (edited) Ive done some internal searching and I’ve got walls to break down. I’m was convinced that as the ‘man’ in the relationship, I SHOULD be the one in control and I SHOULD be the one giving orders and taking charge, but simply, I’m not like that and I was overcompensating We’ve talked and there’s a reason she’s in my phone as My Queen - she is my Queen. What she wants she gets. What she needs I deliver. Her satisfaction and pleasure is my duty to fulfil. I’m hers to do with as she pleases and that doesn’t make me weak or any less of a man. Edited April 9, 2023 by YorkshireBiker Spelling
Nocturne Posted April 9, 2023 Posted April 9, 2023 44 minutes ago, YorkshireBiker said: Ive done some internal searching and I’ve got walls to break down. I’m was convinced that as the ‘man’ in the relationship, I SHOULD be the one in control and I SHOULD be the one giving orders and taking charge, but simply, I’m not like that and I was overcompensating We’ve talked and there’s a reason she’s in my phone as My Queen - she is my Queen. What she wants she gets. What she needs I deliver. Her satisfaction and pleasure is my duty to fulfil. I’m hers to do with as she pleases and that doesn’t make me weak or any less of a man. That sounds like a great solution! I'm happy that you've found a dynamic that works for both of you, well done.
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