What to do now?

[Deleted Member]

Bit of a back story.
Had emotionally unavailable parents, so I’m not an overly friendly person in general, but I’m a people pleaser to my people. an I’m still trying to work out who I am after completely loosing myself in my ex.
After the split I got colder to the world, I thought the part of me that could feel for new people was dead, I lost a lot of friends and my circle grew smaller, partially due to covid to be fare.
My kids are still young and adjusting and I don’t feel ready for a relationship.
As I started to heal I grew more interested in BDSM, and reading the posts on here has helped me feel less alone, and I’ve been content.

As usual I checked my messages one last time before I went to sleep, he didn’t have a profile picture due to work, but sent one with a pretty basic message. he was cute and we chatted till late, it was pretty flirty for a while, an we planned coffee.
But the closer it got the more right it felt, I couldn’t wait. Last week the night before coffee I gave in and asked him to meet me that night, as I rushed to get ready the self doubt kicked in an I was Fighting the urge to run away.
The second I saw him my brain silenced an it felt so natural to step into the arms of a complete stranger and kiss him.
That night laying in his arms felt like home, and fixed parts of me I didn’t think possible.
I spent a couple of days dumb, got lost in the fantasy.
But reality is he is newly divorced and we entered into this With the understanding we both wanted a physical connection only.
I spent a day coming to my senses and sent him a message yesterday letting him know things had changed for me, and we said goodbye.
Now I’m lost, I don’t know what to do.
I still don’t feel ready for a relationship but looking for a play partner now doesn’t feel like it would be enough, and what do I put in my profile now??

[DeviantInside]

Ok so anything I say here is purely said as suggestion only. You know what might work for you more than I ever could. But I do work in an area with some knowledge of dealing with grief. And what a lot of people misunderstand about grief is that they associate it purely with bereavement. But they brain doesn’t know the difference between bereavement and any other loss, be it physical or loss of an expected or desired future. So my advice is based on the same principles (all be it the actual specifics are very much individualistic). Focus on you. Do things that will make you happy. Spend time with people that make you happy. Find things to do that give you a sense of achievement. Even do some form of exercise (even just go for a walk). All of these things will provide serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins as dopamine. Which in turn allows your brain to be happier and process rather than running in circles building up stress and anxiety. Also build in a sleep routine to allow the brain to process and cope. There is a whole lot more and more than happy to go into further details. And I won’t say DM me for more because I don’t want you to think this is an attempt to hit on you. So if you want further details I am more than happy to say more here in an open format. But also don’t want to make you feel you have to say anything or even acknowledge this at all.

[Br****]

Perhaps articulate that you’re looking for emotional substance to accompany your play time. Or just be dead straight and say that you’d like a play partner but only one you can potentially slowly build a relationship with.

[DeviantInside]

5 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

Ok so anything I say here is purely said as suggestion only. You know what might work for you more than I ever could. But I do work in an area with some knowledge of dealing with grief. And what a lot of people misunderstand about grief is that they associate it purely with bereavement. But they brain doesn’t know the difference between bereavement and any other loss, be it physical or loss of an expected or desired future. So my advice is based on the same principles (all be it the actual specifics are very much individualistic). Focus on you. Do things that will make you happy. Spend time with people that make you happy. Find things to do that give you a sense of achievement. Even do some form of exercise (even just go for a walk). All of these things will provide serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins as dopamine. Which in turn allows your brain to be happier and process rather than running in circles building up stress and anxiety. Also build in a sleep routine to allow the brain to process and cope. There is a whole lot more and more than happy to go into further details. And I won’t say DM me for more because I don’t want you to think this is an attempt to hit on you. So if you want further details I am more than happy to say more here in an open format. But also don’t want to make you feel you have to say anything or even acknowledge this at all.

Sorry just to follow up with this. The subconscious is incredibly powerful. And allowing it the time and space to process will oftentimes allow it to recognise what you truly want and need.

[littlemiss37]

If u ever need to talk I'm a pm away . Big hugs . I was in a 2month dynamic at first
It felt like my life was totally empty but now I'm getting on with life one day at a time . I'm doing self impact so I'm still getting something and to know what I do and don't like x

[Ms****]

Twice divorced,now my real life begins!

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, DeviantInside said:

Ok so anything I say here is purely said as suggestion only. You know what might work for you more than I ever could. But I do work in an area with some knowledge of dealing with grief. And what a lot of people misunderstand about grief is that they associate it purely with bereavement. But they brain doesn’t know the difference between bereavement and any other loss, be it physical or loss of an expected or desired future. So my advice is based on the same principles (all be it the actual specifics are very much individualistic). Focus on you. Do things that will make you happy. Spend time with people that make you happy. Find things to do that give you a sense of achievement. Even do some form of exercise (even just go for a walk). All of these things will provide serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins as dopamine. Which in turn allows your brain to be happier and process rather than running in circles building up stress and anxiety. Also build in a sleep routine to allow the brain to process and cope. There is a whole lot more and more than happy to go into further details. And I won’t say DM me for more because I don’t want you to think this is an attempt to hit on you. So if you want further details I am more than happy to say more here in an open format. But also don’t want to make you feel you have to say anything or even acknowledge this at all.

I’d love to have a good sleep routine, but I work nights to be around for my ***. They are my world and give me everything I need. I have been wondering if loosing my dad recently could have been the shock that woke me up, an meeting a genuinely nice guy just allowed it to surface. I’d really appreciate chatting, feel free to dm thank you.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, MT9876 said:

Perhaps articulate that you’re looking for emotional substance to accompany your play time. Or just be dead straight and say that you’d like a play partner but only one you can potentially slowly build a relationship with.

I don’t feel ready for a relationship, so don’t want to risk getting involved atm

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, littlemiss37 said:

If u ever need to talk I'm a pm away . Big hugs . I was in a 2month dynamic at first
It felt like my life was totally empty but now I'm getting on with life one day at a time . I'm doing self impact so I'm still getting something and to know what I do and don't like x

Messaged you thanks

[Deleted Member]

The key this stuff out is dealing with the mechanisms youve built up over time to protect yourself. Most of these will be built up through experiences, which were legitimate responses at the time to help you but dont work any longer. In the Jungian tradition this is called the shadow self, others call it the ego, eckhart tolle calls it the *** body... But its all the same stuff.

Moving forward you have to recognize when you may be acting too aloof/reserved/cold toward people - it worked when dealing with your parents, but acting this way all the time will cut you off from everyone... As you are finding out. But it will feel scary as hell to act any differently at this point. And its that *** you have to deal with. Start by doing something small or for a short time, that is out of your comfort zone.

Im always happy to chat, just DM.

[Deleted Member]

Give yourself time and space to get your head in a place that you are happy.

I lost my mother at the end of last year and whilst I had been expecting it it still effects you in ways you aren't prepared for. The sleep thing is terrible but I found a BBC podcast series which I found helped with that. (Helped not fix!).

And so many other things like tolerance levels reduced and not wanting to be around crowds. 

And all that makes it difficult to make good decisions. 

But gradually you do start to get things a bit clearer. 

But would say you are already doing one of the main things needed to help and that is talking.

Xx

[Dy****]

Based on what you wrote, I'd say you are not ready for intimacy.  Part of you is, but part is not.  And until all of you is ready, you shouldn't pursue it, because either you, or other people are going to get hurt.

 

It sounds like you are grieving, and as one member pointed out, you need time to grieve properly. I wouldn't say completely cut off the possibility of intimacy,  but it's fair to say that you're not ready to pursue it, and spending some time in grief counseling, sorting out how you feel about the ending of your relationship,  and how the loss of your dad plays into these things is a very solid step in the right direction.