My new guy needs me to submit... How do I know this isn't the beginning of an abusive relationship?

[Du****]

11 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

If, and it's a huge IF you decide to keep seeing this guy, I would suggest you both take a massive step backwards from the D/s thing and sit down and discuss in detail what the dynamic looks like, what your (and his) boundaries are, what the rules are from both perspectives and much much more.

If, and only if you can find agreement and a willingness on his part to respect boundaries and limits then fine - but any sign he's trying to control and have his way then walk away - you hold that power not him.

Honestly, having seen the way some men deal with being told ‘No’ - I don’t recommend this woman sits down alone with him anywhere. If there is even the smallest chance he will meet rejection with *** (and there is, it’s already clear), she shouldn’t give him the opportunity.

Note: Miss SQ, it doesn’t matter if _you_ don’t see it as a rejection, either. If _he_ takes it that way, you could be in danger.

[ge****]

12 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Honestly, having seen the way some men deal with being told ‘No’ - I don’t recommend this woman sits down alone with him anywhere. If there is even the smallest chance he will meet rejection with *** (and there is, it’s already clear), she shouldn’t give him the opportunity.

Note: Miss SQ, it doesn’t matter if _you_ don’t see it as a rejection, either. If _he_ takes it that way, you could be in danger.

You'll get no disagreement from me there - which is why I said it was a huge IF - but given the OP seemed undecided and may decide to try and make things work felt the rest worth saying.
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Personally based on what we've been told, I'd walk away

[Je****]

Run.

[Deleted Member]

It is meant to be fun, adhering to each others limits and boundaries, not an ordeal.

[Deleted Member]

You’ve done something that every person should do in any relationship, vanilla or BDSM, question what’s in it for you.

[He****]

3 months can be long enough to submit, longer is preferable, as you would need to feel secure and safe, if you don't, then don't do it. Have you agreed to fuck other men, if that's just what he wants doesn't mean that's what you want. It doesn't sound like you are keen, and if you are in a small town that could put you in a bad position, I know how small towns can be.
Your list of Kinks kinda need to match a lot, you will never meet someone who likes everything you like but close is not bad. You've already had a fight after 3 months? The fact that you don't follow his instructions blindly means you don't actually trust him.
A good and caring Dom will never ask you to do anything that will hurt you, and a good and caring Dom will also know what you are capable of doing and what you are not, a good and caring Dom will have your welfare foremost in his mind and above everything else. He is there to guide and teach you if you want a 24/7 dynamic, if you just want it in the bedroom then you'd better tell him that. A lot of people make what is known as a contract, hard and soft limits are discussed and adhered to. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind about doing or trying something, but at least it's there and that line can't be crossed.

[li****]

I'm a submissive! I have a Dom yes we have a D/s relationship in and out of the bedroom. But he has never ever once told me what to do (unless it's a scene in the bedroom then I fully submit of course I have my hard limits and he respects them )  , where to go, who I can see and not see.

 

This sounds very controlling and abusive behaviour, I've been there I was coerced and was ***d for years by my ex. I thought what he was doing was out of love but I was manipulated into thinking that and I got out in time. I know now that no one has the right to tell you what to do ( unless you have given your full consent ) like @gemini_mansays please take a step back from the D/s side of the relationship and sit down and have a good talk about what you both need and want from the relationship, what your boundaries are, what your hard limits are and he does the same. I had to have this conversation with my Sir once when I told him under no circumstances is anal gonna happen ( I had bad experience with my ex ) and he understood and knew he would never go there because it triggers me. A true Dom will respect your wishes and limits and never ever push you to do something you don't wanna do.

Edited April 13, 2023 by lil-monster

[St****]

I’ve always thought the most important thing during a relationship is communication. You should always have a safe word and we able to use that and he should respect that and he does and it’s time to run.  I’ve seen so many that think the whole purpose of being a dominant is to be abusive to show that they can be abusive and that’s the whole point. To just be abusive.  Personally, I would run.

[BillyGoatBear]

As a DOM of my loving SLAVE she is the most important think to me in my life.
I would never tell her to go fuck a random guy after a argument..
That’s putting your life in danger.
That says he does not care about your safety - physically - emotionally and /or sexually.. he does not care..
And then him saying send me pics of you “fucking” the random guy - he wants the pictures as a weapon to hold over you/ so you “can’t” leave because he will post them or share them with the world…

Do yourself a great service that your future self will thank you for..

RUN —- don’t pack anything you can replace at a latter safe point.
RUN —- as fast as you can.
RUN. —- to somewhere/someone who will protect you.
RUN —- block his number, change yours,
RUN RUN RUN..

[st****]

What is his name me and him need to have a little talk about how to care for women

[Matttster]

In my view it is ***. Submission is earned by a Dom through respect and trust. If submission is demanded, it is ***.

If there are good things that intrigue you about what he has done, research these things than find someone you respect and trust to explore with.

Dump him before things get worse.

[Deleted Member]

Take note of BillyGoatBear’s message. He’s expressing our concerns into action. Yes, Run and don’t look back.

[lo****]

This guy is an ***r trying to disguise it as BSDM. Point stop.

Sure, there may be some "great things" about him... right now. As soon as he feels he has you under his thumb the act will stop and you will get the full *** of it. You narrowly dodged it refusing to fuck a random man and send him pictures of it. THAT was going to be his key to blackmail you and MAKE you not only STAY for the ***, but take it.

Trust someone who has been there.

[Deleted Member]

Submit is to be eraned not focused these are huge red flags get out

[ItsTheTevs]

The difference between BDSM and *** is consent. You have to want to go through everything and have the right to say no at all times. If he doesn't respect that, it's *** and you should probably get out.

[Deleted Member]

As a submissive I would never allow anyone to talk to me like that. Submission is something that is earned. And before you jump in you both talk about boundaries. Things you are willing to do, how you are willing to do them, the control you will give over and the things you will not do. No Dom will ever demand anything from you like that especially not without your consent. The reality is in a BDSM relationship, the sub is the one that has the power. You decide what you will submit, how are you will do it, when you will do it, and who you will submit to. No real Dom will ever *** it. And you always have a safe word. This guy is not a Dom he is an ***r and he is trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s ok. Anytime you have hesitation for something a real Dom will not do it. They will ease and guide you in ways that make you feel safe. Safe Sane and  Consensual. I am sorry that someone has used our lifestyle and perverted it into ways to hurt you. But this is not BDSM and he is in no way a Dom!

[Deleted Member]

Sorry SubQuestioning.
I’m was trying to chat to you direct about your topic, my IPhone ran out of battery and in it’s dying breath, decided to send “You scratch mine and I’ll scratch yours. Annoyingly inappropriate in view of the thread.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, switch6962 said:

Sorry SubQuestioning.
I’m was trying to chat to you direct about your topic, my IPhone ran out of battery and in it’s dying breath, decided to send “You scratch mine and I’ll scratch yours. Annoyingly inappropriate in view of the thread.

Yeah that would be a creepy text for a vanilla girl to get in any situation LOl 😂

[Deleted Member]

Yes. 😂🤣😂

[SubQuestioning]

16 minutes ago, switch6962 said:

Sorry SubQuestioning.
I’m was trying to chat to you direct about your topic, my IPhone ran out of battery and in it’s dying breath, decided to send “You scratch mine and I’ll scratch yours. Annoyingly inappropriate in view of the thread.

🤣 That's funny actually. Thanks for the follow up 😊.

[SubQuestioning]

Thanks again, all of you. I do appreciate it.

What a bummer. It really was fun.

[Deleted Member]

There are reasons as to why we have limits and why these things are discussed beforehand. limits, safe words, sometimes even contracts, we discuss these things beforehand because then you’re able to go through everything together and decide what you’re open to and what you aren’t, and if things change and you feel something you weren’t okay with before is something you’re open to trying your able to discuss that openly. Submission isn’t something that can be ***d, especially to the level he describes when as you mentioned, you’re only a beginner in the lifestyle. That should be understood and your submission or “sub training” (most common term although not a fan of it) should be nurtured over time while developing that level of trust to willingly give yourself to said person

[Deleted Member]

Run while you can

[ThumperG]

12 hours ago, masterful said:

Did you consent to being his submissive? If not it’s ***

Nope nopety nope to ALL the nopes in Nopeville. If she consented to be his submissive then this behavior shouldn't all of a sudden come into her realm AFTER THEY HAD A FIGHT... he's going to publicly punish her. That doesn't fall under consensual at all get it? That's about revenge and that's about power and that's about "teaching her a lesson" because he didn't like what she had to say during their fight. It's because whatever it was she stood up for herself. So now she's going to have to pay for it, get it? That has nothing to do with submission AS a sub...that's a totally different story. THAT was the point where he switched off the lights on her and things became payback for him and things got very dark for her~Mistress 

[Chloebear]

A Dom will engage in a conversation with you and everything is by prior discuss, mutual agreement and consent. An ***r insists on their way or just takes it, whether by *** or ***. Bear in mind emotional *** and manipulation is subtle, but it is still abusive. If you don’t want to do it, he must listen.

This guy, the ‘enthusiast’ as he describes himself is just that, someone who has an interest but hasn’t engaged with the actual meaning and importance of a dominant role. You will have fun with someone else. Moreso, because it will allow you the safety to explore submission in a different way knowing that person respects your choices. Best of luck xx