Friendly reminder to close your tabs.

[Su****]

It's one of those things we should all do after having a self care period but I always seem to forget.

Like guys forgetting to aim when they take a *** in the toilet... Well, I'm guessing that's the reason men's toilet floors are always flooded with yellow fluid along with the countless 15 inch pubes. (Seriously, not pube shaming but damn, when you've seen actual pubes longer than your penis you know you gotta question life.)

-

So I started a new job a few weeks back... Well, kinda new anyway. I worked there last year too.

I knew the system from my previous time working there and recognised a lot of faces. Its like I'd never left, not because I felt right at home, nah. Purely because no one really welcomed me back so that's always nice.

-

I was just doing my thing, and by my thing I mean using my Oscar worthy acting techniques of making myself look busy, when all of a sudden my team leader came up to me.

-

Him: So this is your employee number that you'll use to clock in and check your rota, do you remember how to check your rota by the way?

Me: Yeah, kinda... Just forgot the website.

-

Him: it's literally checkmyrota*

-

Me: How could I ever forget.

-

Him: So, just try your employee number by signing in and checking your rota just so we can check it works etc.

-

Me: Good idea, I'll do that n....
FLASH
Everything goes white for a split second and then time suddenly starts to slow down.

-

Brain: Pssssttt, Ryan.

-

Me:. Uh, wait... Aren't we the same thing?

-

Brain: Well yeah, but you suck at story telling so it's the easiest way.

-

Me: Oh sure, I can roll with that.

-

Brain: So, remember your routine earlier?

-

Me: well yeah... Kinda hard to forget a routine.

-

Brain: Sure, but you said that about checking your rota when the website is literally checkmyrota but sure... Anyway, think back to this morning for a second... What did you do?

-

Me: Woke up hating myself like usual. Had a quick wank, forgot to close the tab. Skipped breakfast because I felt too anxious to eat and then had a shower, got changed then brushed my teeth before leaving the hous... Fuck I forgot to close my tab.

-

Brain: Jackpot. Hate to tell you this but you're kinda fucked right now buddy because not only has this guy forgotten about social distancing but you're also stuck in a corner basically.

-

Me: Shit, shit, shit... What do I do?

-


Brain: How about you make a joke about porn popping up the second you load your mobile browser?

-


Me out loud: Oh god, Imagine if pornhub just popped up the second I go on the Internet haha (anxious laugh)

-


Team leader:...
-

Brain: Bad audience, some would genuinely chuckle at that and then take the hint and walk away. I have one more idea. How about you twist your body a little to hide your phone screen a little without making it too obvious.

-

Me contorting my body like I'm playing the board game 'Twister' in the Olympics for gold: Like this?

-

Brain: I would call you stupid but I AM you.

-

Me: he's leaning forward a little, I give up.

-

Time goes back to normal s***d as I press browser

-

Before I even have time to press the address bar at the top I see the porn hub logo with a video title underneath that reads as.
"Facesitting chastity slave"

-

Mind goes into overdrive as I try to use my five brain cells to concentrate hard at my phone and hope I can send telekinesis brain waves to s***d the address bar loading up

-

Brain: He definitely saw that.

-

Me:. Gksnejrmemtjslsmfjdjdkdm... Don't ask, anxiety.

-

Brain: we need to keep calm. Divert his attention with small talk.

-

Me: what do I say?

-

Brain: Erm how about you say.... Hmm... "Fucking slow Internet haha"

-


Me: You make me do the dumbest things, you know that?

-

I guess I'll never truly know what he saw. But this is why we must always either hide tabs or at least close them... Unless you're ***less.

[Sl****]

JAJAJDJOENWODBDOEHDIFUOWJWIFIR THIS IS GREAT! 😅🤣🤣🤣

I loved this story

[do****]

😂😂😂 so fucking relatable. Good job

[Li****]

Yes....
All the yes's.
Funny, lighthearted, relatable! (In the sense of forgetting to close a browser and being asked to open Internet infront of a tutor, team leader, supervisor)
If you truly can "dig your own grave", I wish I could have in these moments.
Fab little read.