Genuineness in the Community

[Dy****]

It's been awhile since I've written on FET.

Today I feel the need to call something out that I find needs to be called out, and it involves the posts and other communication of Doms.

I typically stay reserved, watch my own lane, and focus on who I am in this space, and making sure those that choose to interact with me have the best possible time and outcomes in whatever it is we choose to pursue.

I often see posts from submissives on here, calling out Doms (or the popular 'So Called Doms' moniker) for the behavior they exhibit on the forums and in personal messages.

A lot of perverted chat that is centered on their gratification, and not the submissives.

Newsflash my fellow Doms, it ain't all about you. And it never was.

If you think coming on here is an one way invitation to indulge your perverted nature, you are wrong. Certainly, there is a time and place for that. But it's not right upfront, from the jump, however you want to phrase it.

BDSM is about patience. It is about developing trust. No submissive should be opening up their entire selves to you on the first encounter. And nor should you.

If you are meeting a potential partner in this space for the first time, both parties need to exercise restraint and dignity and talk about the things that will affect the possible play time.

As an example, what are the things a partner needs during intimacy that facilitate their sense of safety during a scene or play?

How can we identify emotions that may rise to the surface that could impact how we are playing, and what if anything can we do to mitigate their effects?

Dominant's have an obligation to provide care and compassion for submissives they are interacting with. Part of the why is because you should engage a person you are intimate with with the intent on pursuing intimacy with them. Another reason is that when you prioritize their safety and well being, this allows for a submissive to open more and more to the things they want to experience, because there is authentic trust being built, in a moving cycle that is never ending.

Another reason for being intentional and thoughtful, is that there is always the chance that the relationship you build with a submissive will end. It doesn't have to end on crappy, horrible terms. It can end on a wonderful peak with a beautiful sunrise.

And when both parties leave something fulfilled and happy, they both take that energy into their future.

Instead of being infantile, they being intentional. Hold off on being a pervert until you have built some level of respect with a submissive.

You would be surprised of the results.

[Deleted Member]

Absolutely well said and couldn’t agree more with respect caring comes a fruitful bounty to both parties

[Go****]

I couldn't agree more. Thank you for saying this.

[Se****]

Also agree. I seem to spend a lot of time reassuring newer subs that there are actually some decent Doms here. An uphill struggle when their inboxes are full of vile crap on a daily basis. And that’s before we get to the ***rs, stalkers, blackmailers and attempted rapists!!! True story!!

[Tevo13]

pretty much how i feel on a daily bases about things. although i also find it then means some people are put off communication thanks to every message they seem to get just being perverted from the start. although i will say ive had the other way round as well. someone who was a bit too eager to give all without any thought for aftercare, limits ect. which for me just felt like a red flag.

[Ta****]

Thank you for writing what I’m thinking. I can’t help but think how many people who would’ve gone on to have wonderful experiences exploring their submissive side have become jaded, pushed back in the closet, or walked away from the lifestyle unfulfilled because within 5 minutes of joining they get railroaded by “doms” introducing themselves by trying to shove an unwanted dynamic down their throats. If you’re the kind of “dom” that initiates a conversation with a person by saying “you will address me as Sir”, you are wrong.

[Sw****]

9 minutes ago, TallBastard said:

Thank you for writing what I’m thinking. I can’t help but think how many people who would’ve gone on to have wonderful experiences exploring their submissive side have become jaded, pushed back in the closet, or walked away from the lifestyle unfulfilled because within 5 minutes of joining they get railroaded by “doms” introducing themselves by trying to shove an unwanted dynamic down their throats. If you’re the kind of “dom” that initiates a conversation with a person by saying “you will address me as Sir”, you are wrong.

I feel like this describes me! I’ve almost given up countless times. It’s very reassuring to know that there are genuine Doms here who know what the title actually means x

[Du****]

In my experience, it’s not a Dom thing. It’s a Man thing. As a Domme-leaning woman I receive dozens of messages daily, from submissive men, describing all the things they want to do to me, or me to do to them. The common thread is that there is absolutely no thought given to my needs, my pleasures, or even my preferences. Most of them haven’t even read my profile, so they’re obviously weak when it comes to following instructions. It’s entirely about THEM. I see complaints all the time about fake doms, but 90% of the men sliding into my DMs are fake subs.

[ge****]

Thing is, sadly, it doesn't matter whether it's BDSM/kink related or plain vanilla hook ups - you'll always get men who sign up to sites like this and behave in the ways you describe.
.
I was on a well known UK swingers site for several years and you saw exactly the same behaviours there as you do here.
.
Unfortunately there's not a great deal can be done about it - men like that will always be around - all you can do is call them out for their behaviour and block/report if necessary.
.
Sad I know but until there's a complete societal change in attitudes, it will always be as it is.

[Ha****]

I completely agree with you, certain norms and values have become quite blurred. However, there is a but, and this is that it happens not only on dating sites, but on every platform. It seems that humanity is losing itself by losing the veneer of civilization.

[CopperKnob]

36 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

In my experience, it’s not a Dom thing. It’s a Man thing. As a Domme-leaning woman I receive dozens of messages daily, from submissive men, describing all the things they want to do to me, or me to do to them. The common thread is that there is absolutely no thought given to my needs, my pleasures, or even my preferences. Most of them haven’t even read my profile, so they’re obviously weak when it comes to following instructions. It’s entirely about THEM. I see complaints all the time about fake doms, but 90% of the men sliding into my DMs are fake subs.

Yep
At the risk of being called misandristic (again 😂) none of the women in my inbox have been disrespectful, initiated a conversation about sex or told me what they want in terms of sex.
It's not a Dom thing at all, just men portraying themselves as one

[Du****]

7 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Yep
At the risk of being called misandristic (again 😂) none of the women in my inbox have been disrespectful, initiated a conversation about sex or told me what they want in terms of sex.
It's not a Dom thing at all, just men portraying themselves as one

I always love your take, Copperknob 🥰

[Dy****]

40 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Yep
At the risk of being called misandristic (again 😂) none of the women in my inbox have been disrespectful, initiated a conversation about sex or told me what they want in terms of sex.
It's not a Dom thing at all, just men portraying themselves as one

Wait, is that what you want me to do when I message?

[CopperKnob]

6 minutes ago, DyingForLife said:

Wait, is that what you want me to do when I message?

You'll want to be more specific,
Portray yourself as a Dom?
Be disrespectful?
Talk about the sex?
Maybe how long you can do the sex for?
Yes. Yes please. All of the above 😂

[Dy****]

9 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

You'll want to be more specific,
Portray yourself as a Dom?
Be disrespectful?
Talk about the sex?
Maybe how long you can do the sex for?
Yes. Yes please. All of the above 😂

Oh I will regale in my endurance involving the sex!

[CopperKnob]

10 minutes ago, DyingForLife said:

Oh I will regale in my endurance involving the sex!

Excellent and, if you're wearing your watch to bed please, go the whole hog and keep your socks on too 😂

[Dy****]

11 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Excellent and, if you're wearing your watch to bed please, go the whole hog and keep your socks on too 😂

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Br****]

2 hours ago, DuchessFeuille said:

In my experience, it’s not a Dom thing. It’s a Man thing. As a Domme-leaning woman I receive dozens of messages daily, from submissive men, describing all the things they want to do to me, or me to do to them. The common thread is that there is absolutely no thought given to my needs, my pleasures, or even my preferences. Most of them haven’t even read my profile, so they’re obviously weak when it comes to following instructions. It’s entirely about THEM. I see complaints all the time about fake doms, but 90% of the men sliding into my DMs are fake subs.

Most of the dm’s I get on here are from Domme’s asking (without any small talk) if I’d like to be their sub. I guess it’s not just a man thing.

[Deleted Member]

Fake Doms tend to have a full bag of psychological issues thus using sites like this for their own gratification and as such think they have the right to treat others like shit.
Any Dom that opens an initial dialogue with orders or degrading remarks is a complete novice with no concept of building trust and often quite damaging to a potential Sub.
Red Flags show up for a reason.
Hurt people hurt people!
Stay safe

[do****]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 preach. At least I'm not the only one who inbox is full of horror stories of cowards abusing women for the own kicks and giggles. Then hide behind a keyboard

[ge****]

9 hours ago, MT9876 said:

Most of the dm’s I get on here are from Domme’s asking (without any small talk) if I’d like to be their sub. I guess it’s not just a man thing.

There's a difference though - I'll wager those Dommes you get approached by are likely potential scammers (and very likely not even women!!) who are out to fleece you, rather than being genuine Dommes.
.
The kind of things the OP and DuchessFeuille refer to though are genuinely from men not seeking to scam, but to get their jollys regardless and in that respect it's definitely a "man thing"

[Du****]

33 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

There's a difference though - I'll wager those Dommes you get approached by are likely potential scammers (and very likely not even women!!) who are out to fleece you, rather than being genuine Dommes.
.
The kind of things the OP and DuchessFeuille refer to though are genuinely from men not seeking to scam, but to get their jollys regardless and in that respect it's definitely a "man thing"

I was going to say that! I can’t speak for other Dommes but I have never slid into a guy’s DMs asking him to submit to me - not once. It sounds like something only a fake, or maybe an inexperienced Domme would do. If the latter, she’s probably learnt by example… from men, because it’s what they do 🙄

[ey****]

normally - I might eyeroll at the "men get this too!!!" but actually this time I have to say there is a little merit in it I will come to

when men get a woman messaging them pushing for a quick dynamic then one of the following things will happen

1) He will not find this attractive/appealing

lesson : men shouldn't also contact people pushing for a dynamic

2) He will assume this is a scam

lesson : negative first impressions will put people off regardless of your true intent

3) He will continue the conversation.   In most cases this is going to come up with a *** request either because the person is running a scam (will take the *** and leave) or is doing some form of online findom (so paying will be a continued expectation, and, as it's not permitted on this site they'll likely get their profile deleted)

lesson : in most examples where people push for an early dynamic - it ends badly

--

the difference as pointed out, is the people contacting the men in this format are usually scammers attempting to fleece, or someone kinda clueless - whereas the guys pushing for the quick dynamic, they're simply clueless 

there are lessons in there. 

[CopperKnob]

3 hours ago, doubletrouble129 said:

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 preach. At least I'm not the only one who inbox is full of horror stories of cowards abusing women for the own kicks and giggles. Then hide behind a keyboard

Wouldn't it be lovely if you were 🤷‍♀️

[Dy****]

20 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Thing is, sadly, it doesn't matter whether it's BDSM/kink related or plain vanilla hook ups - you'll always get men who sign up to sites like this and behave in the ways you describe.
.
I was on a well known UK swingers site for several years and you saw exactly the same behaviours there as you do here.
.
Unfortunately there's not a great deal can be done about it - men like that will always be around - all you can do is call them out for their behaviour and block/report if necessary.
.
Sad I know but until there's a complete societal change in attitudes, it will always be as it is.

My side argument is that if more men took time to read books, they would start exhibiting better manners because as vocabulary increases, so does our communication skills, and while it doesn't solve the issue, it creates a major step in the right direction.