Vanilla/sub marriages

[De****]

Sounds like he doesn't 100% agree with that setup, if you need both whilst knowing it is hurting one/both of them it is bound to collapse.

[De****]

If you find yourself swapping back into a dominant role that isn't 100% you partners fault. It takes two.

[Ta****]

That's true dextrous. We are working in many aspects of our relationship to get him to take a more proactive role. If I can't move him in my headspace from someone I have to take care of to someone I can rely on it's going to be a very rough road.

[Ta****]

Dextrous. I agree. I'm trying to do the work to move him from someone I have to care for to someone I can rely on in my brain.

[Se****]

I have been is a very similar position. I did it for 17 yrs. Being the dominant parent. Making the decisions for practically everything. I tried many times to shift that dynamic. In our everyday life and in our intimate life. I eventually decided that I needed to ultimately make myself happy and be true to my wants and needs. I couldn't fully give him what he wanted and he couldn't do that for me.
He's amazing, but ultimately not my mate. We are now getting divorced.
It's tough, there are ***age kids involved, but I am so happy! Giving myself the opportunity to be true to myself.
I wish you luck. Make the best choices for you.

[QXX666]

Not every men are alpha/dominant. I would say most men need guidance and approval from their partners. As soon they get married their wives turned into suddenly mum.
But to help with your struggle maybe you should try the game/play approach. Found what kind of games he likes and implement the Dominant role to it. Something like headmaster/schoolgirl or Boss/secretary etc whatever rock his boat.

[Deleted Member]

A kink is an expression of an unhealthy shadow, if your husband is truly vanilla it just means he's psychologically and emotionally healthy, or balanced. This is not actually the case for most people though, so maybe he's one of those that has an inner beast that's so oppressed it's turned into a monster and now he's to afraid to let it out? If that's the case you can probably coax it out, nurture it and feed it. But if he's actually just a healthy balanced person then the only way would be to psychologically and emotionally *** him for an extended period of time so that he'll start suppressing his shadow and it can crystallize under the pressure. Or he's actually an "alpha" as you call it which means his shadow is something that only wants to be loved and taken care of because the suppressed part is a *** little baby, and it's his strong shadow that's causing him to involuntarily act subby and not live up to your expectations. So called "betas" are always extremely kinky, to the point where it's borderline dangerous, so it seems unlikely that's the issue, they'd generally jump at the opportunity to feed their shadow. Worst case scenario he's just a really healthy balanced individual, in which case there isn't much you can do as that type of person is likely to just leave you if you start messing with his mind and heart.

[Ki****]

If your partner wants to keep you, he needs to satisfy your desires in the bedroom. Period. Especially in a monogamous relationship. In my opinion, when you ask for someone's complete and utter loyalty, you must be willing to satisfy their every need (unless certain ones bother you, for good reason i.e. someone has PTSD triggered by X kink as it gives them flashbacks of sexual ***, etc) but other than that 🤷 have you tried coaching him? Or talking openly about what you want? Or do you just give subtle hints and get frustrated when they're not picked up on?

[Ki****]

Also, I just re-read your post, it sounds like you want something 24/7.. you say "everyday life" as in, it's not just the bedroom you're unhappy in, it's everywhere. This, I believe, is deeper than kink. If you don't like how he acts in general... 🤷 he might not be the one.

[Be****]

Just go open. That’s what we did. It’s been great. That way you can keep vanilla in your marriage and enjoy your kinks on the side. If you are dom in all your aspects at home, being a sub on the side would be a great release.

[Ta****]

Open simply isn't an option here. Not even if I had a non sexual D/s dynamic with someone. Husband just wouldn't be comfortable. I was the cheating wife in my first marriage and won't be that again. I'm not looking for a 24/7 sexual dynamic. But I do need cared for and to feel like I have a partner I can rely on in my domestic relationship. So far I've talked to him about all this. He is willing to try but it's not natural to him. The sexual stuff feels awkward most of the time and the other well he is really trying and we will see if it holds. I recently told him if he doesn't grow up and step up (non kink related) he could lose me. He is in a panic now but I promised to give him time and keep working on myself too. I'm doing my best to handle this in a mature way that doesn't compromise my values. But there have been times I wished I could escape or felt trapped and weighed down. I'm terrified I'll never be happy. Not just sexually satisfied but fulfilled in my life and how I'm living it. He's not a go getter and provider. Right now we are actually talking about when the kids get older me going and getting a good paying job and him playing Mr. mom because I'm willing to take the risks to make my dreams come true.

[Ta****]

My husband simply can't/won't entertain the idea of an open relationship. And I'm ok with that. I want to find a way to make this work. And I won't break it over the kink issues alone. We are talking about all of it. It's very hard though considering the rest of my life potentially without having the freedom to act on this. I'm finding other outlets like art, talking to people etc. He knows I'm on here too.

[Bu****]

Maybe a Dom to come in and guide him through the process. Impact play doesn’t really damage you. Make him see it is just play. Maybe that would help.

[Be****]

Oh that’s a great idea.

[Be****]

I’d offer myself, but I’m in Australia. My sub and I, do light almost vanilla bdsm shows for couples that are just getting started. Maybe someone in your town could do that for you guys. We don’t charge, we just like performing. Something like that might intrigue your husband, especially when he sees your reaction towards a turn Dom dom’ing their Sub?

[Bu****]

There are a million answers to this and none are easy. Communicate openly and without judgment is #1, and that is the hardest sometimes when dealing with Vanilla.

[ki****]

That sucks and I'm sorry! I would get him out living more! Being more manly get him surrounded by other alphas! Get him in the gym anything to boost his confidence alpha=confidence! There are other alternatives you can message me!!

[mo****]

amazing question. with no disrespect but objectively asking a question for you. is it really hard on you or you really don’t like the responsibilities associated with that role?

[Ta****]

It's really hard on me. But since posting we are communicating more and working towards understanding and a balance.

[Leisa]

I did it for almost 15 years, the last 5 of which were sexless because frankly I’d rather go without than go generic. Best of luck to you but for me, it didn’t work.

[Mr****]

Try adding another partner

[Mi****]

Sexual compatibility is very important.. we all have primal instincts. Talking to a sex therapist may help

[Deleted Member]

This is a really hard one, I have found that none of my relationships  with a vanilla man ever worked out because I was permanently frustrated with a standard boring sex life, to the point I just didn't want to have sex at all because frankly it bored me to death. If the guy has so many positive qualities and you love him well enough that you can settle for his style, kudos to you,I know I will never do that again. I had to fake  with them so they would finish and  leave me alone and then go finish the job by myself with a bdsm video, wich left me feeling empty and resentful, as I always made  sure all THEIR needs were well met. You need to have a really open and honest conversation, lay down your needs, maybe show him a few videos so he knows exactly what you want. Maybe let them play in the background while you have normal sex, you will get some sort of visual stimulation and he may start to feel more familiar with it and want to try. Good luck x

[up****]

Blueeyeddevil that was very true and elegant statement. I was in the exact same spot and will never go back to that. I enjoyed readying your comments

[Deleted Member]

Some people can not think outside what is safe. Some associate vanilla for being emotionally healthy and truly loving.

Show him what you want. Shock him and tell him these are your sexual needs