Kink or D/s

[Norell]

I see "being dominant/submissive" and "being a dominant/submissive" as similar to the frog and toad thing. You can have a sexually dominant/submissive personality without being a Dom(me) or sub, but in order to be a Dom(me) or sub, one needs to have dominance/submissiveness in them.

Also, I don't see having a dominant or submissive personality as being kinky in itself. Looking back at my pre-kink sex life, I have always been on the dominant side of the spectrum, but back then, I never played with power dynamics and I never thought of myself as being dominant. When I began getting into kink, I was faced with the notion that everything had to described as either dominant or submissive, and if you liked a bit of both, you were a switch - a notion that unfortunately still seems to be prominent today. So knowing that I was definitely on the dominant side of the personality spectrum, I thought I had to call myself a Dom even though I didn't identify with what I read about being a Dom.
So I think a large part of the confusion is caused by the people already in this community making the entry into kink confusing, rather than the newcomers not doing their research.

I can see why people like labels; they make communication fast and seemingly easy. But I personally would like to see labels fade into the background of kinky conversations. We live in a time where everyone has very strong opinions and the willingness to listen to others and accept their views is severely compromised. This also applies to labels, and many seem to get defensive about their own labels, claiming that others are not what they claim to be because it doesn't match up with their own ideas. I like the peanut butter analogy presented earlier. Maybe you like peanut butter (=your label). But then you need to specify whether you like it crunchy, smooth or creamy. But even then, you may not like certain brands because they're too salty, too oily, too crunchy, etc. And that is when the labels fail - at some point you may need to revert to using good old fashioned explaining with more than one word in order to clarify exactly what you like. And for that reason, I would much rather tell people how I act and what I like sexually than simply throwing labels around and hoping that others get me.

As for claiming that someone is a "fake Dom", I feel like this is an overused term. I'm sure there are people who clam to be something that doesn't align with the general concept of that archetype at all - maybe to prey on inexperienced kinksters. But at times, I also think it's a matter of how well people match. As an example, I once met a self-identified brat who warned me that she was extremely difficult and that she had a hard finding people who could put her in her place. Turned out that she had an undiscovered primal side, which revealed itself when I started playing rough with her. She had not necessarily been with bad Dom(me)s or brat tamers - she had just never been with a primal before.

Edited May 7, 2023 by Norell

[Ae****]

Dominance is a trait of personality seen in urges/inclination to dominate.

Dommes are people in sexual dynamics who often have some pretty structured rules/rituals with a sub that involve dominating behaviour .

That virgin accountant who's never had a gf but who bosses everyone around and handles his business, clients, friends and D&D squad with confidence, decisiveness, strength etc etc etc is dominant.

Tina who makes her bf sit on command, say thank you, yes mistress etc etc etc is a dom. She carries out ritualised, codified acts of dominance.

If there's no structure, no dom etiquette to the dominance during sex, it's just someone who's dominant having sex in a dominant way.

I think.

[Pe****]

1 hour ago, Aeonova said:

Dominance is a trait of personality seen in urges/inclination to dominate.

Dommes are people in sexual dynamics who often have some pretty structured rules/rituals with a sub that involve dominating behaviour .

That virgin accountant who's never had a gf but who bosses everyone around and handles his business, clients, friends and D&D squad with confidence, decisiveness, strength etc etc etc is dominant.

Tina who makes her bf sit on command, say thank you, yes mistress etc etc etc is a dom. She carries out ritualised, codified acts of dominance.

If there's no structure, no dom etiquette to the dominance during sex, it's just someone who's dominant having sex in a dominant way.

I think.

Yes, exactly.

[Pe****]

What I’m trying to say is, people, that there is definitely a difference between being dominant and being A Dominant. Someone that just takes charge in the bedroom is not necessarily Dominant but thinks they are.
I met someone a few years ago on a D/s group and he had no Dom etiquette at all yet claimed to be a Dominant into the BDSM lifestyle. All he literally did was take control in the bedroom and even that was non verbally.

I’m not saying how people should run their individual dynamics but surely if you claim to be in the D/s lifestyle it should be reflected and apparent somewhat??

[Pe****]

Saturday at 07:50 AM, gemini_man said:

I don't necessarily think they're confused more D/s is just a subset that falls under the whole "kinky" umbrella that essentially covers everything that is not generally held as "vanilla" and even then it's open to individual definition both of "kinky" and "D/s".
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For some "kinky" might be doing it with the lights on (to use a well worn stereotype) to others it may be something far more extreme.
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Equally D/s can mean different things to different people - for some it will be very etiquette driven and structured, for others it may simply be confined to the bedroom with one person taking control.
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So the key is more about finding like minds who have a similar definition to your own, rather than trying to place an all encompassing definition around what "kink" or "D/s" should be.
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Just because someone isn't your definition of a Dom/Domme or sub, doesn't mean they aren't one - just they're not compatible with your way of seeing it.

True G, I guess I just don’t think it’s right that a self proclaimed sub that just constantly goes on about a certain/main kink they have is a submissive that understands the power exchange. I was chatting to someone on here a good few months ago that loved to be caned. But the whole conversation every time we spoke would be just about that- how hard or soft, how often, how fast or slow. Constantly. He was submissive because he liked the act being done to him but is that how A submissive should be? I’ve chatted to plenty of submissive men who have had a certain etiquette about them who have shown they understand a D/s dynamic.

[Ae****]

1 hour ago, PervyPenelope said:

True G, I guess I just don’t think it’s right that a self proclaimed sub that just constantly goes on about a certain/main kink they have is a submissive that understands the power exchange. I was chatting to someone on here a good few months ago that loved to be caned. But the whole conversation every time we spoke would be just about that- how hard or soft, how often, how fast or slow. Constantly. He was submissive because he liked the act being done to him but is that how A submissive should be? I’ve chatted to plenty of submissive men who have had a certain etiquette about them who have shown they understand a D/s dynamic.

A sexually dominant sub is possible. "I demand you punish me, like this, right now, or else!" They're just gonna have to match up to a sexually submissive dom. "Yes Sub, right away Sub, please forgive your adoring dom, Sub" Seems pretty niche.

They are not gonna offer what most doms expect of a sub.

[ge****]

2 hours ago, PervyPenelope said:

True G, I guess I just don’t think it’s right that a self proclaimed sub that just constantly goes on about a certain/main kink they have is a submissive that understands the power exchange. I was chatting to someone on here a good few months ago that loved to be caned. But the whole conversation every time we spoke would be just about that- how hard or soft, how often, how fast or slow. Constantly. He was submissive because he liked the act being done to him but is that how A submissive should be? I’ve chatted to plenty of submissive men who have had a certain etiquette about them who have shown they understand a D/s dynamic.

I think the answer to your question is that he may be *a* submissive, but he's not *your* submissive.
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Which comes back to the point about compatibility being the key defining factor here.
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Of course there are certain general and high level definitions and factors that are widely held - but it's down to individual definitions when it comes to matching others expectations.
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It doesn't make anyone less of a submissive or dominant because they approach things differently to you.
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Now of course there *are* those who have views and approaches that are wildly different to the general consensus, or who are what would be considered to be abusive or manipulating etc but that's a totally different thing to what is being discussed (for the most part) here, which does come down to individual compatibility at the end of the day.

[le****]

I could dominantly perform hungry service and rough masochism

[Gigglesthru***]

Been in lifestyle for 13 years. With 6 years owned as property in a Femdom relationship 24/7 . I don't do part time. Everything lifestyle related is very taken very serious.

[Gigglesthru***]

Definitely a difference between kinky and D/s. Kinky are part timers that come and play then when tires run back to the vanilla world leaving behind anything D/s related

[Deleted Member]

I see D/s as a Kink. Kinks can be big and small.

[Th****]

@takanarlike as roleplay? Because for me it's an everyday all thing.

[Ae****]

6 hours ago, takanar said:

I see D/s as a Kink. Kinks can be big and small.

Yes, that's concise to me.

D/s is a kink. Dominance is personality trait.

[bl****]

I’m definitely into being a daddy’s sissy when I’m with a strong sexy man! But I’m in control when I’m the dominate one!

[Th****]

Being D/s is not a kink, its not something you choose. It is intrinsic. It is the very essence of who you are. Fakes are easy to spot. I deny subs weekly who are pretending or watched 50 shades and think its some fantasy. Ive taken on subs who say they have years of experience. They turn out to know nothing, have no protocol, and break immediately.
My collared subs have lived it their entire life. They have never had a Vanilla Relationship. A dominant personality doesn't make one a Dom.
I believe fetishes are a choice, a hobby or interest, while D/s is a 24/7 Lifestyle that one cannot function without.

[ge****]

3 hours ago, TheBigGentleman said:

Being D/s is not a kink, its not something you choose. It is intrinsic. It is the very essence of who you are. Fakes are easy to spot. I deny subs weekly who are pretending or watched 50 shades and think its some fantasy. Ive taken on subs who say they have years of experience. They turn out to know nothing, have no protocol, and break immediately.
My collared subs have lived it their entire life. They have never had a Vanilla Relationship. A dominant personality doesn't make one a Dom.
I believe fetishes are a choice, a hobby or interest, while D/s is a 24/7 Lifestyle that one cannot function without.

Thing is though that's your definition - and I'm not saying it's wrong because it's yours to own and find others that align with it - however it also doesn't mean that others' definitions aren't necessarily right either, they're just different individual interpretations to yours.
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As for fetishes being a "choice" - for many they're not, they're often formed by early experiences, some going back to childhood and can be just as much a part of someone as having a submissive or dominant nature.

[CopperKnob]

4 hours ago, TheBigGentleman said:

Being D/s is not a kink, its not something you choose. It is intrinsic. It is the very essence of who you are. Fakes are easy to spot. I deny subs weekly who are pretending or watched 50 shades and think its some fantasy. Ive taken on subs who say they have years of experience. They turn out to know nothing, have no protocol, and break immediately.
My collared subs have lived it their entire life. They have never had a Vanilla Relationship. A dominant personality doesn't make one a Dom.
I believe fetishes are a choice, a hobby or interest, while D/s is a 24/7 Lifestyle that one cannot function without.

And yet, many do function without a D/s relationship because they aren't partnered. Doms don't just shrivel up and die without a sub and vice versa

[ey****]

7 hours ago, TheBigGentleman said:

I believe fetishes are a choice,

the very definition of a fetish is generally otherwise

by it's strict definition - someone can't get aroused/climax without it

by a more modern/relaxed definition - it is something which they find arousing which can enhance climax/experience

so, umm - if you can't function without D/s - it's a fetish

[Deleted Member]

If you look at all the well known dictionaries the definition of kink covers everything that isn't vanilla. Even fetishes are kinks but the dictionaries don't agree on what it means exactly. Fetishes are either something out of the ordinary that is required for arousal or sexual arousal from an object or part of the body that isn't a sex organ. Anything beyond this would simply be an opinion.

[Di****]

May 6, TallBastard said:

I’ve been noticing more and more people use the term “brat” as a shield to hide behind and justify their shitty behavior. Being a brat is supposed to be the art of playful disobedience, not refusal to respect personal boundaries. I messaged someone offering constructive criticism in their profile, as they were using some verbiage that seemed counterproductive to what they were looking for, and potentially offensive to certain people, and didn’t engage them romantically or sexually in any way. In fact, I told them up front I’m not seeking a dynamic at this time. Within two hours of her reply, they were asking me if I’d be interested in having a contract with them. When I declined, they began pressuring me, saying if I’m not looking for a dynamic I shouldn’t be on this site (see: Looking for Friends/Networking). I made them aware they were crossing a line, and I was going to exit the conversation, they replied “I thought you liked brats, your profile says Brat Tamer”. Ultimately I blocked them, but I came to the realization that there is actually such a thing as “fake sub”. Because of this, my profile no longer says Brat Tamer, because after several years in the lifestyle, I’ve never met a real one. A note to all you brats out there: bratting is supposed to be a fun way to receive a desired punishment from your Dom, not carte blanche to be a shitty person. Don’t be a shitty person.

Should say note to the "fake brats"
The people that hide behind the word brat to be knobheads aren't actually brats.

[Or****]

There is definitely a difference between being dominant and being a Dom, and between being submissive and being a sub.
It's seems to be that most people unless they are involved in (or have been) D/s don't know there there is a difference.

[Pe****]

23 hours ago, OrchidEclipse5 said:

There is definitely a difference between being dominant and being a Dom, and between being submissive and being a sub.
It's seems to be that most people unless they are involved in (or have been) D/s don't know there there is a difference.

I totally agree. Not that I’m trying to say that I’m one to say how people run their dynamics, but me, personally, I can like to think I can judge quite quickly if someone is kinky or lifestyle. If someone messages me “hello gorgeous” I tend to think that they are just used to a bit of slap and tickle rather than knowing protocol. Just my opinion though.

[Or****]

"if someone is kinky or lifestyle" is a great way to put that!