Looking for ideas

[Deleted Member]

Hi all, just looking for some advice or ideas really.
I'm the one into kink (bratting, submissive, would love to incorporate that more) but partner is totally vanilla and has no interest in kink.
Not sure how to get into kink more or if you have any online recommendations for anything?
How do you balance things when one person is into kink and the other has no interest?
Thanks

[ch****]

If they don't have a interest in it then they shouldn't have a problem meeting u in the middle or an occasional kink In the bed time if it pleases you.

[Da****]

I hate to say it, but odds are against turning someone vanilla kinky. Even when I’m dating I lead with my lifestyle…
The truth is kink is a part of me…
To not accept that, is to not accept me.
Kink is not a phase…
The majority of people either are
Kinky of their not. And even if they may try it to appease you…
It won’t stick

[Lo****]

First you need to set down and talk about it. Don’t bear around the bush, tell him you would like more. Tell him your kinks and how you would like to do this in a bedroom(that is normally a safe area) then let it grow from there. There are things on here that help him understand the new kink or even get him some books. The more you bring to the tab about your needs, the better off your partner will understand what missing.

You might ask if you can play online or other things but KEEP that as the last resort. Maybe have him take a kink test. There is a really good one floating around.

[ze****]

Open honest communications never hold back either of you respect each other and be willing to work together to achieve both goals does not come easy all relationships take work specially ones in this lifestyle

[Ye****]

Agree with jrok. I have 28 years of vanilla. She is Not going to change

[ph****]

6 minutes ago, jrok6953 said:

I hate to say it, but odds are against turning someone vanilla kinky. Even when I’m dating I lead with my lifestyle…
The truth is kink is a part of me…
To not accept that, is to not accept me.
Kink is not a phase…
The majority of people either are
Kinky of their not. And even if they may try it to appease you…
It won’t stick

I’m gonna have to agree here. Maybe communication will help but it could also be a point of contention. I wish you the best. Just a curious question, were you into kink before you met or if it grew while you were with your partner? Or tell me to kick rocks.

[ey****]

if your partner is not into kink they are not into kink

what to you would be acceptable for you?  

say, for example, finding another partner for kink with your partners knowledge and consent ?

[do****]

Divorced here. Married vanilla for 10 years. Did I say I was divorced? 🤔🤣😂😂. Best of luck and prayers but I'm not betting my *** on it 🤷🏾‍♂️

[DeviantInside]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if your partner is not into kink they are not into kink

what to you would be acceptable for you?  

say, for example, finding another partner for kink with your partners knowledge and consent ?

This. It comes down to what are you willing to accept or compromise. Do you need it? Are you able to accept that this may not be something your partner is willing to consider. If you need it and they are not then you may not be compatible: are you ready and able to make that choice? These are things only you and your partner are able to decide. And the best way is to be honest and open about it. I have seen it many times (both professionally and with friends etc) if someone feels unsatisfied, unresolved or spurned it bleeds out in other ways over time.

[Da****]

Personally I believe it’s a matter of compromise, it’s a challenge for any relationship when one’s needs and desires are not the same as your partners. See and explore what they class as kink, what are their limits and what are your needs. We all have our boundaries but could your partner be happy and make you happy by finding that compromise that’ll make you happy and not go against what he’s comfortable with too?

[Da****]

Have an open discussion with your partner may incorporate slowly yet the question is was MR Gray in charge or was Anastasia? Thinking about who had the control and who was empowered ?

[do****]

51 minutes ago, CumHereNow said:

Personally I believe it’s a matter of compromise, it’s a challenge for any relationship when one’s needs and desires are not the same as your partners. See and explore what they class as kink, what are their limits and what are your needs. We all have our boundaries but could your partner be happy and make you happy by finding that compromise that’ll make you happy and not go against what he’s comfortable with too?

Compromise is always an option. The willingness of people to or even use the word compromise is another story. Great solution though

[Jo****]

Communication is always key. Try to open a bit more about what you want (start small) or try to find things he will enjoy.

You could also try add another person to fulfill the kinks your partner doesn't want to, but that's not easy and always require a lot of communication, confidence and time.

[ge****]

You don't say how you *know* your partner has no interest in kink?
.
Have you sat them down and had an open and honest conversation not only about what you desire but what they may desire too?
.
If not then that would be a starting point - maybe come at it from a fantasy angle and ask them what their deepest fantasies are, then share yours and see if there are any middle grounds to be found.
.
Everyone has fantasies or some level of "different" and you may be surprised what you discover by talking it through and explaining to them not only what yours are but what they mean to you.
.
Ultimately though you may have to be prepared to accept that you're not compatible in that way and from that decide if you can live with that - if you can't then either an agreeable compromise needs to be found or you may need to make a very difficult decision.
.

[Oc****]

It's hard to make people get into kink unless they have interest.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, phantum said:

I’m gonna have to agree here. Maybe communication will help but it could also be a point of contention. I wish you the best. Just a curious question, were you into kink before you met or if it grew while you were with your partner? Or tell me to kick rocks.

So, I was interested before but also we got married when I was really young so I hadn't had enough life experience to really get into it. It's just been in the background the for like 10 years and I'm done not scratching that itch, if that makes sense.

[Deleted Member]

Ok this is my advice. You try and find the occasion (or make it) that you have not sex for a while so he is horny. Then you try something soft kink such a small tie hand etc during sex. After that you try not to have sex for a while again so he will be horny again. You start putting out his fire with small kinky steps all the way and let him be horny again. Soon the time will come that he will ask it. Give him space and time and it will happen. After that let him explore his way.

[Deleted Member]

59 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

You don't say how you *know* your partner has no interest in kink?
.
Have you sat them down and had an open and honest conversation not only about what you desire but what they may desire too?
.
If not then that would be a starting point - maybe come at it from a fantasy angle and ask them what their deepest fantasies are, then share yours and see if there are any middle grounds to be found.
.
Everyone has fantasies or some level of "different" and you may be surprised what you discover by talking it through and explaining to them not only what yours are but what they mean to you.
.
Ultimately though you may have to be prepared to accept that you're not compatible in that way and from that decide if you can live with that - if you can't then either an agreeable compromise needs to be found or you may need to make a very difficult decision.
.

So, we have discussed it quite a bit, we have done different BDSM quizzes, and I have explained what I find appealing. A lot of it just baffles him, he finds it a bit odd. I have asked if we could incorporate something simple like a praise kink into things and that lasted for a day. He just isn't bothered about it 🤷‍♀️

I've asked about his fantasies for years, and there really aren't any. His reponse is just regular sex, there are no extras that float his boat. I found it quite odd and difficult to understand because even as a ***ager, I had a tonne of various kink fantasies and I thought that everybody had something tucked away that they wanted but hadn't tried before.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

if your partner is not into kink they are not into kink

what to you would be acceptable for you?  

say, for example, finding another partner for kink with your partners knowledge and consent ?

The expectation would be that I just don't scratch the kink itch and carry on with life. Which, I've been doing for several years now so it's definitely possible...just not very fun.

I think playing online with someone would be okay for me, I'm not ready/willing/able/choose appropriate verb here to explore anything like this in person I don't think.

[Go****]

I too have a very vanilla partner of 10 years. I was very upfront with my desires and needs at the beginning. We have tried some things and it's just not her bag. The only reason we work is because we have an ope. Relationship in the sense of me having a BDSM life on the side of us. Not all couple can agree to that. You have to figure out how much it means to your mental health to have these experiences and talk to your partner about it and come to a compromise. Ir you will find this relationship may have to end.

[do****]

4 hours ago, Sakis said:

Ok this is my advice. You try and find the occasion (or make it) that you have not sex for a while so he is horny. Then you try something soft kink such a small tie hand etc during sex. After that you try not to have sex for a while again so he will be horny again. You start putting out his fire with small kinky steps all the way and let him be horny again. Soon the time will come that he will ask it. Give him space and time and it will happen. After that let him explore his way.

Diabolical 😂

[Da****]

4 hours ago, Sakis said:

Ok this is my advice. You try and find the occasion (or make it) that you have not sex for a while so he is horny. Then you try something soft kink such a small tie hand etc during sex. After that you try not to have sex for a while again so he will be horny again. You start putting out his fire with small kinky steps all the way and let him be horny again. Soon the time will come that he will ask it. Give him space and time and it will happen. After that let him explore his way.

Sex as a weapon is overplayed, be weary of taking advantage this way, make no mistake that’s what it is. In my experience, people in kink lifestyle are open and honest and that’s what makes them great. You may get a little kink once, but I *** it would be detrimental to your relationship moving forward. The reality is you may have to choose between kink and your partner. Which means more is up to you. Like I said I am kinky, I’m a daddy dom, I am primal, these are parts of me that I refuse to ignore for anyone. You may feel different and that’s okay. But taking advantage of a situation, to get what you want almost ALWAYS backfires

[ge****]

5 hours ago, brattitude said:

So, we have discussed it quite a bit, we have done different BDSM quizzes, and I have explained what I find appealing. A lot of it just baffles him, he finds it a bit odd. I have asked if we could incorporate something simple like a praise kink into things and that lasted for a day. He just isn't bothered about it 🤷‍♀️

I've asked about his fantasies for years, and there really aren't any. His reponse is just regular sex, there are no extras that float his boat. I found it quite odd and difficult to understand because even as a ***ager, I had a tonne of various kink fantasies and I thought that everybody had something tucked away that they wanted but hadn't tried before.

Sadly you can't "make" someone kinky, and if he's genuinely not interested no amount of discussion will make a difference.
.
Out of interest did you do one of the checklists that provides a raft of elements/activities associated with kink/BDSM where you score them 1-5 in terms of interest? If so was there anything on there he even showed a minor level of interest in? If you've not done one of that type it may be worth a last roll of the dice to try one and see if there is anything.
.
Even if he has no interest himself can he at least see and understand what it means to you? If so the only other option to allow you to explore would be if he were agreeable to you seeking that outside of your relationship (if that's what you wanted to do of course) but that is a step that could be steeped with further potential problems down the line, and only one to be taken if you both have absolute faith in your relationship and set very clear boundaries and even then it's one to be trodden with care.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, gemini_man said:

Sadly you can't "make" someone kinky, and if he's genuinely not interested no amount of discussion will make a difference.
.
Out of interest did you do one of the checklists that provides a raft of elements/activities associated with kink/BDSM where you score them 1-5 in terms of interest? If so was there anything on there he even showed a minor level of interest in? If you've not done one of that type it may be worth a last roll of the dice to try one and see if there is anything.
.
Even if he has no interest himself can he at least see and understand what it means to you? If so the only other option to allow you to explore would be if he were agreeable to you seeking that outside of your relationship (if that's what you wanted to do of course) but that is a step that could be steeped with further potential problems down the line, and only one to be taken if you both have absolute faith in your relationship and set very clear boundaries and even then it's one to be trodden with care.

Thank you, I would tend to agree. I think you can go through the motions and perform a particular act but it's still just a performance. If we are accepting of so many kinks, we have to be accepting of people who don't have any just the same.
.
Yes, we did 2 different quizzes that go through various labels and ideas. He was a ***y tiny bit of a voyeur on one of them, but talking about it afterwards it wasn't something he particularly wanted to try out.
.
Non-monogamy is just cheating in his mind, but I think it would be a way to sayisfy that want without trying to change who he fundamentally is. But it's also a very difficult path and I'd be hesitant to jump to that without due consideration.