Let’s talk rejection!

[ey****]

21 minutes ago, BrokenHalo5 said:

I do have issues with mental health over this kind of stuff, and it has made me want to walk away on several occasions.

what I'd like to add a little - and this is the same for anyone else in a similar boat

if being rejected adversely affects your mental health (and, it is something which always sucks - MH or not) then the priority has to be in working on your MH and in learning how to deal with rejection.  Because it's putting stock into someone else responding a certain way and any form of basic MH guidance will tell you that that is something you cannot control.

It may be that a temporary break from attempting is the right thing to do.  Or trying to reframe and handle when things don't work out.  Because even the nicest, sweetest, 'no', is still a rejection

The other problem when stuff adversely affects your MH is that it's more likely to pursue leads you shouldn't.  Say someone messages you back and it's clear you actually won't really enjoy time with them, or they'll be hard work, or so on, so forth - but they're responding to you, so you kid yourself it'll be fine.

But yeah, if it's adversly affecting MH - then walking away could be an answer, but you really need to work on MH because the problems won't depart on their own

 

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for the reply. 😉

Yes, I agree entirely. I didn’t specify, but my wife and I are in an ENM relationship, so I do (luckily) have her support when it’s needed.

I have found that she has far more interest than I have had, so that also has an affect. I am talking to someone that I’ve met on here though, so I’m in a better position than I have been.

It does make me laugh though when some of my wife’s contacts start getting argumentative about wanting to meet - at least you’ve had a reply, wind your neck in! 😂😂

[Suckyourtoes]

I got one of those generic rejections from someone I had chatted with in the past but not for some time. It’s always exciting to see the chat highlighted only to see someone from the past has decided to kick you one last time.

[De****]

I understand the reasons for it but for me ignoring completely is the worst, in and out itself not terrible but I find it can wear on you when it's the most common........a respectful no thanks would be the ideal, and honestly I'd love the opportunity to be the respectful guy that responds 'fair enough, best of luck' to that but the opportunity hasn't arisen

[cl****]

The no reply used to get to me, now I look at it as a favor, because if they don’t have the common decency to speak to me after initially contact then they’re not truly not the submissive they claim to be. Not that there’s anything wrong with pretending, or being a switch, I just prefer the real thing.

[Liondaddy]

If it makes you feel better, nobody owes anybody anything. A message a response are all privileged, expecting anything is a bit narcissistic and is probably why doms feel insulted but they may not subscribe to that kink and that's okay. It probably would not of worked out anyway if they can't communicate in the first place.

[Deleted Member]

Based on the amount of rude people who frequent this platform, I get tired of dealing with their lack of common ground so they earn the canned response of my disinterest. For users who speak in full sentences, I generally explain my preferences and comfort zone and how I view our potentiality.

[Deleted Member]

On 5/23/2023 at 5:31 PM, searchingformyslave said:

I want to know different opinions on this. Which one do you feel is worse, or bothers you the most. If you text someone, someone new of course. And they 1: send you the automated “not interested” message, 2: just ignore your message, or 3: they tell you themselves that they’re not interested.
Personally i think 3 is best rejection you could get.
Being hit with the automated “not interested” message is kind of weird to me, like you didn’t even have a conversation with this person and you just dismissed the entire convo.
Being ignored has to be the worse though, we’ve all been rejected before lol. There’s been fewer times I’ve messaged someone, even if it wasn’t for a conversation. I probably just wanted to ask a question. And they’ll view my profile, and just not respond. So like you saw my message, and went to my profile instead of answering. Then just ignored me lol. I feel like that’s a bit ego driven. But that’s just me. I wanna know what every else things about these scenarios.

I see how this can be very tough, specially for men who, it would seem, have to approach many many female profiles to get even one reply ( so I am told).

As a female member, I get many more messages than I can realistically give my full attention to, and most of the time will try to respond even if it's "no thanks" out of courtesy. Now if I am really pressed for time I will be more selective with that and a few won't get a reply, and these are:

- People who show zero effort ( just "hi" or a long copy paste job that feels like a mass mailing/ trawler net)

-People who greet me with "hi slut". 

- People who use a dick pic as an ice breaker

- People whose profile creeps me out

- People who have clearly not read my profile or even worse, choose to disregard what I said in it ( if I say no subs and you are a sub and still approach me then that's on you, I don't have time to give everyone detailed explanations on why a sub+ a sub just won't work)

I have also been on the other side and experienced being blanked myself when approaching female members ( I am bi) so I know how it feels for men. I do get responses from females on other sites so I'm not sure why or how this only seems to be an issue on here. Stumped. But yeah..

[Angelis_Mortis]

Hi there, I'm a new member (although I've got 25 years experience) and I've sent quite a few messages off today to people who have tickled my fancy. Every message has been tailored to that person, and I'm sure no doubt I'll get no responses lol.

[Deleted Member]

29 minutes ago, Angelis_Mortis said:

Hi there, I'm a new member (although I've got 25 years experience) and I've sent quite a few messages off today to people who have tickled my fancy. Every message has been tailored to that person, and I'm sure no doubt I'll get no responses lol.

Sorry to hear that! It's a matter of perseverance and numbers at some point.. Female members in particular can get pretty overwhelmed at the large amount of messages and decide to only reply to a select few, much like when one applies for a job. 

Other than that, all I can suggest to people is to work on their profiles making them as attractive as possible and to try to only hit up other members who are a very close match...the right one always comes along with a little patience. I have met truly incredible people here. Keep going! 

[Angelis_Mortis]

Thanks for that, I'm prepared for perseverance. I'll just keep at it, I can completely understand that people can get completely snowed under with messages, especially females. It does, like most apps, appear to be populated mainly by men seeking females. Nothing wrong with that, it's just the nature of the beast.

[SnakeLexRed86]

I really dislike just being ignored. I would prefer being told I'm not interested instead of being ignored. If I message you, it means I like what I see and would like to get to know you more.

[Ch****]

So we can all agree that for man, looking for someone, especially on apps like this, is more like “ a job interview, cv included”..

For those who try to don’t see and deny the truth of things, that’s the way it is sorry for you..

The things you do when you apply for a job is sending as many good cv as you can, trying always to improve your profile and to profilate the potential “hirers” to a better fit and to see if it’s suits you too off course..

And we can argue that there is something bad or wrong with it, cause is there?
Isn’t that just as things are?

Cause many woman don’t realize what a happens “ on the other side” and that what matters the most in my opinion . After that, as a woman, as a human being you decide how to use this information and which kind of human being you want to be..

From my side, male side, I actively do things in order to promote or avoid things and dynamics that I know that happens on the woman side, like:
I never send un requested nudes or dick pics, I do not stalk or insist, I do not insult if rejected etc…

[ey****]

On 2/2/2024 at 10:09 AM, Charlie218 said:

So we can all agree that for man, looking for someone, especially on apps like this, is more like “ a job interview, cv included”..

I often use job application examples, because there are similarities 

Mind approaching women with a "I'd like to apply for the position of boyfriend, here is my resume" is rather mechanical.   But there are certainly similarities.
For example...

If your approach is poor, profile is poor, etc - your 'cv' is going straight in the bin without a reply.

It's a two way process, a job interview isn't just about making sure you are the right candidate for the job, but that the company is the right choice for you.   And likewise, if you're interacting with someone, you need to make sure you're the right fit and being enquiring is a good thing.

Equally, personality always shines through - that you don't come across like a robot.

But ultimately... and this is massively important... if you apply to 100 jobs, especially if your approach gets more and more generic - you are going to get more and more rejections (be it direct, or not replied) and that can be disheartening.  If you instead apply for only 2-3 places you are particularly interested in, and can demonstrate this in application, you have far more chance of going somewhere.

And this is the same with approaching people on site.  If your approach is "anyone will do" then you're less likely to go anywhere then if the other person actually feels you're interested in *them*

There are, however, some key differences between applying for a job and approaching someone on any form of dating site

The first is that - the place with a job vacancy likely needs someone to do the job. In most cases they might not accept *just anyone* (it's still better to have a vacancy than someone unsuitable who is expensive and a drain on resources) but they still need to fill a role. A person on a dating site does not.  Their life can progress fine without settling for 'best of a bad bunch' 

The second is you are dealing with a human - companies can basically accept you've applied to a few places and can see your resume and see you would be potentially suitable for them, a person is less so interested if you're playing a field looking for the "best deal" for many reasons.  

[ey****]

as a side note - while we could argue it's a different experience for women seeking men - a lot of that is down to the same problem that men often aren't picky.  That if someone messages them that is a plain profile, or clearly not what they're looking for - or a blatant catfish - they'll try to make it work rather than being "No, I'm not interested. This is clearly a scam. This wouldn't work" 

[Deleted Member]

I feel that someone taking the time to actually message you to say not interested is best. The other 2 are almost as though they are too good for you. 

Yes rejection is rejection but the first 2 options feel like you've been discarded not rejected 

[Ch****]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

as a side note - while we could argue it's a different experience for women seeking men - a lot of that is down to the same problem that men often aren't picky.  That if someone messages them that is a plain profile, or clearly not what they're looking for - or a blatant catfish - they'll try to make it work rather than being "No, I'm not interested. This is clearly a scam. This wouldn't work" 

I don’t see an issue in “man not being so picky”, it’s just a natural biological configuration..
Beside that man can be picky too..

[ey****]

2 hours ago, Charlie218 said:

I don’t see an issue in “man not being so picky”, it’s just a natural biological configuration..

it's not "natural biology" - because men in general are better than that.

But, like - there's levels - because if you have a kinda "you'll do" mentality - you, at best, end up in a situation you're not happy with.   And I'm not saying there has to be like an A-list of standards which have to be met, but there's something to be said a little with - the difference between messaging 2-3 people who really interest you versus 100 "because they're there"
 

And, honestly, a lot of this reflects in how women see you.  Because folk tend not to like to be treat as an option. It doesn't make them feel like you're actually interested.  

And like your job hunting - you turn up for a job you're competent in but need the *** and otherwise see the firm as a pay rise or a necessity, you're going to be overlooked ahead of a candidate who maybe doesn't even have as impressive CV but has researched the firm, wants to work there, sees it as a career rather than an option/income : cos for a company it is expensive to have someone come in who is not committed - just as, if you're a woman and "you'll do" then the guy is already looking for the next partner - and women know this.  It's a turn off.

[CopperKnob]

Yesterday at 10:09 AM, Charlie218 said:

So we can all agree that for man, looking for someone, especially on apps like this, is more like “ a job interview, cv included”..

For those who try to don’t see and deny the truth of things, that’s the way it is sorry for you..

The things you do when you apply for a job is sending as many good cv as you can, trying always to improve your profile and to profilate the potential “hirers” to a better fit and to see if it’s suits you too off course..

And we can argue that there is something bad or wrong with it, cause is there?
Isn’t that just as things are?

Cause many woman don’t realize what a happens “ on the other side” and that what matters the most in my opinion . After that, as a woman, as a human being you decide how to use this information and which kind of human being you want to be..

From my side, male side, I actively do things in order to promote or avoid things and dynamics that I know that happens on the woman side, like:
I never send un requested nudes or dick pics, I do not stalk or insist, I do not insult if rejected etc…

What matters the most, (I presume within the dating scene as opposed to the whole wide world as that would be ridiculous) is that women understand the struggles of men (white cis men at that) at least, in your opinion.
I'm far too clumsy for that kind of fragility.
If you want to relate dating to a job interview, here's my take: I can tell when interviewing someone wants the job they're sitting in front of me for. They've researched the organisation. They know our values and the direction we're aiming for. They're worth the onboarding costs because they'll typically stay around to make that worth it. Someone who just wants a job for a jobs sake won't have done the above. They're wasting my time and their own. Quite frankly, I could go out to agency for that couldn't care less attitude. We don't because the overall cost is high, not only in terms of wages but the disruption to the team and the duplication on work once we let them go. Its the equivalent of a FWB.

[Ar****]

On 2/2/2024 at 10:09 AM, Charlie218 said:

So we can all agree that for man, looking for someone, especially on apps like this, is more like “ a job interview, cv included”..

No, we really can't all agree that it's like that at all 😂

For some people it might be, sure, but that's just one approach. You certainly wouldn't use that method with somebody you met in a bar, and yet striking up an amiable conversation - demonstrating interest in the person you are attempting to communicate with/"attract" - worked for literally billions of people before apps like this were even a thing. That is a very different yet easily transferable approach which has proven results, right here.

Regardless, thank you for pitying us truth-denyers. It's kindness like that which keeps the world the warm and glowing place it is today 💗

[ge****]

6 hours ago, DundeeDom said:

I feel that someone taking the time to actually message you to say not interested is best. The other 2 are almost as though they are too good for you. 

Yes rejection is rejection but the first 2 options feel like you've been discarded not rejected 

To be discarded you have to have been accepted first though - so it's not like that at all. It's even debatable in the circumstances the OP is referring to (messaging someone new for the first time) if rejection is the right word - after all they've not specifically asked for you to approach them.
.
The best thing anyone can do on sites like this is accept that if they hear nothing back from people they approach then that person is not interested, plain and simple.
.
I've never understood why people (and let's face it it is mostly men) get so wound up over not receiving a response from someone they have never interacted with previously and who are obviously not interested in interacting back.

[ey****]

for discarding

straw scenario, but

we'll say someone (a guy, presumably) messages a handful of people.  The whole ***tergun approach.

but...

all, or most, reply.

now, at first this might be great.  But there's going to have to become a point where you need to make decisions.  

on one hand this is a nice luxury to have.  You can kind of, at any point, if there's one person you're not really connecting with in messages -  you can slow down or stop - and at this point, well, you have discarded them. Maybe you tell them "look, we're not really gelling - I don't want to talk to you any more", or hit ignore, or maybe just slow down and stop just in case other 'options' go nowhere.

But, like, while you haven't committed to anyone, if you start doing the whole "meeting for coffee" and discussing play or dates then there's going to become a point where you think "I like this person and don't think they'd like it if I continued to meet/play with other person" so you discard others

And this is a bit of a reality people don't face - but as soon as you start messaging multiple people - should any work out you'll be dropping others who invested in you.  Who may themselves have played it cool with other advances because they thought things were going somewhere with you.  

And this is something really, everyone will ultimately give or take whether they acknowledge it or not.  And it's the nature of the beast. 

[ge****]

The other point, which I've probably already made further up but bears repeating - is that sending a polite rejection note can lead to at best whiny "but whys" and at worst abusive messages - so I totally get why people choose not to send anything at all.
.
And before anyone says "But I wouldn't do that" - you may not, but the recipient has no way of knowing that.

[Ch****]

2 hours ago, Aranhis said:

No, we really can't all agree that it's like that at all 😂

For some people it might be, sure, but that's just one approach. You certainly wouldn't use that method with somebody you met in a bar, and yet striking up an amiable conversation - demonstrating interest in the person you are attempting to communicate with/"attract" - worked for literally billions of people before apps like this were even a thing. That is a very different yet easily transferable approach which has proven results, right here.

Regardless, thank you for pitying us truth-denyers. It's kindness like that which keeps the world the warm and glowing place it is today 💗

I meant more on the apps..

Real life is different off course..
Even though there is a chance to also flirt with a lot to get a few, and also, specially if you are lucky enough, get someone that you really interested in..

I talk by a side of someone that is happily engaged, in an open relationship..

So I have a plenty fulfilling sex/ bdsm life , plus I flirt around with others using apps and real life such as bars clubs etc..
And I’m happily satisfied with it.. After a very decent amount of fails and rejection I’m building again my way to it..

But I think that, since we are talking about rejection this kinda informations has to be delivered, despite I don’t have the truth in my hands..

Unless you are a top tier man, and then those rules above don’t count at all..

Quite an interesting thing to be contradicted by males and supported by woman as I see in this thread..

Love it…

[ey****]

I think also - it's very easy to have a nice idea on how you'd let someone down, or communicate - which doesn't *always* play out in reality.

Like, I do have seemingly ridiculous scenarios - but - this is something which happened to me once.

I met someone at a club night and we were kinda talking and flirting, but not much more.  We added each other on facebook and I messaged her, saying I thought she was canny, would she like to go for a drink some time

She replied, that she was busy at the minute - but ask again in a couple of weeks.

I took that as a soft no. Someone else had done that to me prior as a soft no which I hadn't read and it'd caused problems.  But I thought, OK, let's see where we are later.

And it must've been a few days later, at another event I was at - I was joking on with a long term acquaintance and we decided we'd go on some "mates dates".  And so every Thursday we went out and did something datey, and, well, after the third date - I was on my way home and got a notification she'd added us into a facebook relationship.  (we did end up dating for around 6 months after this) 

But, yeah, the first lady - who I thought wasn't interested, who possibly could at any time been "i'm not busy now so we could do something if you like", was VERY upset by this - and - it's like.  Erk.  It's always difficult to get things right and having full context for everyone is difficult