What is a fake dom?

[sn****]

I hear a lot of people talk about “fake doms” what is a fake dom to you and is there anything we should look out for?

If a dom doesn’t have good intentions does that make him a “fake dom”? Isn’t a dom something you ARE weather you are good or bad? Just trying to understand the community because I’m new.

[Ki****]

I am new to following this

[Deleted Member]

Usually, it's something like they don't know how to dominate, or they don't know how the lifestyle works; how to interview, how to present yourself, the dynamics of a lifestyle relationship, etc. It's something you have to learn over time and a lot of the "fake doms" are people who just like kinky sex but just do it to get off instead of doing it because it's a way the live. They do it more short term, immediate satisfaction than long term.

[Deleted Member]

A fake dom is selfish, all about their needs, rarely about your needs.

[Si****]

Someone who wants control but not communication. In any BDSM relationship communication is key. Hard and soft limit words that MUST be followed. Aftercare routines.

A lot of people tend to lack healthy communication or knowledge. Both can be dangerous for mental health and physical well being. And that’s actually true from both a Dom or sub side. The trust needs to go both ways.

[Speckledorc]

For me it's not necessarily on here but those that claim to be a dom but only insist on a tribute or some such even before they talk to you. Not wanting to find out what your limits are ir your kinks

[Th****]

Fake doms don't take others needs into account, all about how they can be pleased not how and what they can do for their partners

[Deleted Member]

Someone who has mummy/daddy issues and only uses another person to feel that they have control over. They don’t entertain the thought of a relationship or dynamic with a sub because of their avoidant attachment issues, stemming from……ding ding their mummy/daddy issues

[Deleted Member]

A findom is 99% of the time a fake Dom.

[Wo****]

A made up word like “real” Dom.

Or profession findom.

Just don’t be an a** and respect people…that’s all you have to do

[Deleted Member]

I think that just because you have dominant qualities doesn’t make you a dom. I believe a real dom is someone who is willing to take on the responsibility of caring for a submissive(s) for the time they are committed to each other. I personally consider a “fake dom” as someone who claims to be ready and willing and know how to care for a submissive properly, yet doesn’t actually, and isn’t ready. Granted, every dom is different so it may be difficult to point one out. I typically look for someone who doesn’t ask about soft/hard limits, safe words, physical/psychological things you may have to keep watch for, rules he typically goes by, aftercare practices, what you’re both looking for ultimately… everything that a dom should know about their sub should be discussed before play is carried out. Many “fake doms” (again this is my interpretation of the word) I’ve experienced are typically all talk and when you meet them in person or go into playtime, it turns out they just like rough kinky sex. Nothing wrong with this, but I think that a “real dom” would be sure that you’re ultimate goals are compatible before carrying out play, unless that is decided beforehand that it is just play.

This is just my personal opinion as everyone sees doms differently and what makes a “real dom” versus a “fake dom”.

[pl****]

Trust and communication are at the utmost importance.. I feel that real Doms know this and use it wisely.. There has to be negotiated terms and care for both..

[Se****]

There are alot of predators. Especially for young ones new to the scene. Fake doms, typically want to do impact play, more serious restraining, breath play, whatever. They are learning they don't know what they are doing yet. There is alot of ways you can get hurt if things are not done properly. They tie to tight, *** the wrong way, impact play on the wrong areas of the body.
Then there is the communication. I findmore times than not, a sub wants to make the other happy and holds back on communicating what they don't want or us to much. The dom and Sub HAVE to have trust and complete open communication. It is both dom and subs responsibility to do this.
There is also proper before and after care for both parties. If you are a sub you need to discuss what you need after, preferably before a scene. If you don't know ask you partner what others have done and see what works for you. BDSM can be sexual or a type of mental release or therapy.
There is so much involved its dangerous to work with someone who claims they are a dom and are new. Ask them who they have worked with and talk to the other person. Talk to other subs and see who they recommend.

It can be alot of fun but also very dangerous. Be safe and watch out for you.

[Deleted Member]

Someone who uses bdsm as an excuse to harm others.

[Se****]

Also if you are dominant that does not mean you have the knowledge or skill to be a dom

[Da****]

Certain “boys” think this lifestyle is an easy way to get laid, as well as abusive MFs to make themselves feel legit.
These are the fakes…
Warning signs are immediately making orders and expectations of control.
True submission is an honor, and honor to be earned! A real dom knows this.
Using honorifics immediately calling you pet names and expectations of respect immediately from a sub.
Efforts to keep you from family and loved ones…
Just a few to look for…
Submission when handed over willingly is an amazing and beautiful thing…
If they don’t see it that way, roll out

[Deleted Member]

wanting the benefits of someone's submission without taking the responsibility that comes along with it. not being clear upfront about your dynamic, not respecting your limits or who you are outside of bdsm. acting as your dom before you have given consent for them to do so, before they have asked for your submission. not respecting your boundaries.
also, pay attention to how you feel when with or talking to them. do you feel safe? do you feel like you can be open with them? do you feel accepted? listened to? trust your instincts.

[E-dUbBs]

Please don't listen to all of this without allowing a balanced view point
If you can find a definitive answer as to what a real Dom is then I would be the first to point to the opposite as a definitive fake Dom
But we are all different and subjectively there is no true definition
It's about opinions and perspective
Please don't take this as my saying there's no such thing as a bad Dom, far from it there are many
But trying to use a single term to encompass people in such a varied and diverse group is just not ever going to be 100% correct

Ergo in my opinion bad Doms exist fake Doms cannot be quantified

[bu****]

My thoughts on it is follow your gut it’s an evolving relationship for sure there is limits written in stone for some others it’s more of a line to dance along have fun

[Ca****]

Everybody is giving great things to look out for. Remember, it's the doms role to operate within YOUR boundaries. Not to say boundaries shouldn't be respected on both sides. Not setting up those boundaries or at the very least exploring them or trying to break boundaries is a big red flag. I really liked the comment about immediately demanding submission and control, it's not how that works. Unless, you know that's what you're looking for. There's plenty of trust and safety that needs to be established before the real stuff begins. If they're not willing to do that, also a red flag. Not saying they have to know the different types and all the lingo, but having absolutely no knowledge is another thing to look out for. Nothing wrong with getting to know the scene and the way the dynamic works. Plenty wrong with lying about it.

[ho****]

I don’t think there is such thing, I think it’s all in the sub’s preferences

[us****]

For me it is those who look for *** to have a relationship. I don’t mind putting *** into a relationship, but that should be secondary to me being used.

[Th****]

Yeah, while dominant dynamics are fun, consent and deep conversations about everyone's needs, boundaries, yes's and No's are the most important aswell as talks about aftercare. Educated doms will ask these questions and have these conversations to stimulate and build trust and earn respect and the honor of everything else.

Fake doms, do not ask they just take, red flags like everyone else has mentioned are the abusive and demanding antics that are either uncalled for. Unnecessary, ignore boundaries and safe words and everything else to get what they want. Please please if you have someone not asking your questions about what's important and just demanding. Block them and leave. Do not fall into that rabbit hole. And if your someone who's been through said rabbit hole you have alot of people who will support you and educate where it's needed. A community such as this should be about conversation, consent. And consistent endeavors about everyone feeling safe. Secure and Of sound mind.

[Me****]

Your boundaries first and foremost. If they are pressuring for a meet before at least 2-4 weeks of messages, regarding aftercare, do's and don'ts, general interest in your care and health, etc then just ignore. That's works both ways also 👌

[Th****]

Agreed @Metalworker, that's a good point about things going both ways