What is a fake dom?

[Ma****]

Someone who demands submission immediately, immediately talks sexually prior to vetting, demands ***. Someone who doesn't believe in/use safewords. A person who doesn't respect hard limits. Someone who looks to collar immediately. A person who doesn't discuss limits.

[Da****]

1 hour ago, hornyspicydaddy said:

I don’t think there is such thing, I think it’s all in the sub’s preferences

You don’t think there are fake doms? Then you aren’t in the scene or don’t understand.
Submissives are the ones who willingly relinquish the power, but always understand they still have the power. There are losers who physically *** women, don’t follow limits under the guise of bdsm…
There are LOTS of fake doms

[Da****]

In my opinion a Dom should care about his partner. To me a toxic or fake Dom is one who uses that title to be abusive and not take the submissive's feelings into consideration.

[Deleted Member]

Fake Dom=Drives a van with trash bags and tinfoil taped up in the windows.

[ey****]

there are bad habits to watch for.

Mostly around the concept of

a) someone being dishonest about their experience

that there is nothing wrong with being inexperienced and everyone should strive for growth no matter what they know (or *think* they know) - but outright lying in order to gain play/relationship is never a good trait.

b) Not wishing to grow / claim to know it all

see above

c) passing ideology as fact

so the concept of a "real Dom would..." or "a real sub would" vie into these territories

d) presenting their way as the only viable way to do BDSM

So for example there's nothing wrong with having your own rules or preferences.  A lot of people also may have different approaches to kink based on their own experiences, community, etc

But when this is used to push a partner into some form of CNC or punishment dynamic which isn't really for them, but they're led to believe is "what kink is like" is always bad. when it might be a dynamic which works very well for other people, or for them with previous partners but doesn't work for every person

e) using bdsm as a cover for ***

which is often a complex one - but there are clear differences

---

the thing is with any and all of the above - is these can as much come from someone who appears to be active for many years as they can from someone new who has, say, self-appointed a title

it's not about "real" or "fake" but red flags to watch out for 

[Th****]

I guess a good way to throw into perspective, 6 years ago i was fake Dom, because I wasn't willing to educate myself amd went based solely off of what I thought a Dom should be, and I was sorely mistaken and payed the price for my negligence towards others.

And over the last 4-5 years I've spent day and night taking the time to talk to individuals who have been in the scene for 8-10+ years and took notes to make sure I understood everything correctly and ever since I've made and effort to hear everything a possible sub needs, wants, hard yes and nos, safe words, and more. Because I'd rather put there safety into account and do the math about what they are into before I even begin about what I'm into to assure them their boundaries and safety and needs are my priority before my own. Because that environment and safety for them is most important. Because that is what builds their trust. Showing and going through the steps to assure their comfortability, safety and every other tiny and big detail are throughly talked through and met before a Dom introduces theirs and even at that point. It's a partnership and either sacrificing certain things for the safety of another or learning together to allow a sade environment for experimentation if the sub or Dom even want to.

[am****]

I see a lot of answers here that describe an inexperienced Dom as a fake one. That's not necessarily fair to the up and coming Doms who are still trying to figure things out. I believe a fake, in this case, is someone who is intentionally using the lifestyle as a tool to get sex or ***. They're selfish, predatory and dangerous. Dangerous because of they only hopped on a site/app like this looking to get laid, they don't know the first thing about limits, physical/psychological safety, protocol, etiquette, aftercare, etc.

To the subs: It's very important to vet your Dom. Even if it just means meeting for coffee a few times and asking the right questions. Don't let anyone tie you up that you don't trust.

[sn****]

But do you guys think that older and more experienced always means more empathic towards the sub? Because sometimes it seems to me that older men can get desensitized to it, and you move on to more and more extreme things and get bored by women’s feelings. Just a thought.

[Deleted Member]

What I got scared of is when someone brought up 50 Shades of Grey. "I've read the books so I know what I'm doing!"

[Th****]

That's a good way of putting it

[Th****]

That's a good way of putting it, consent and safety first everyone.

[bu****]

Fake Dom's will talk you into sending them nudes before they even get to know you, especially the Daddy Dom's maybe the Littles are easier to manipulate. You just can't trust people to be honest. Fake Dom's will meet you for a "date" and then ghost you until they want another "date" a so it will go as long as you tolerate the emotional hi and low of the emotional and mental *** it can be and being the Little it traumatized potentially. That's just a opinion.

[Deleted Member]

People that think being a dom is about being in charge.

[bu****]

The best way I’ve heard it explained is the sub draws the picture the dom gets to color it anyway they see fit as long as it’s in the lines

[Deleted Member]

I would say that there are people (especially young men) who love the idea of domming, and end up going in gung-ho...and don't realise the responsibilities that come with it. Safety, trust, and consent.
I knew a friend who hooked up with a random, had a heavy BDSM session, and came away with an ***.
We may want to have heavy sessions, but they take time to build up to. Doms need to have awareness of boundaries and limitations, and understand basic physical limitations of their subs (ie, arms don't bend _that way_!) We can't just have at it from the get go. And there is aftercare and support needed afterwards.
Having the toys doesn't make a dom a Dom. Having empathy, respect, and communication does.

[Al****]

Kinda relating to the previous response, I've had a Dom who refused aftercare before we even met up. We had done more online flirting and more, but when I even asked about a break or aftercare, all he responded with was "you won't need the aftercare because I won't be done with you". I'm fairly new at BDSM dynamics, but I know enough to see that I could've gotten hurt if I wasn't careful. BTW I did break it off, and I just wanted to share a very obvious sign.

[Ke****]

I'm my personal experience, Fake doms are ones that don't respect boundaries and will often times *** onto you what they want. even if it means costing the happiness of their sub. there's also alot of fake doms who are flatout abusive, and hide behind "I'm into BDSM and I'm dominant" as an excuse to be abusive.

[Ke****]

Fake doms are the ones you can easily tell apart from the real doms too, Like for example. a fake dom won't respect you. if you tell them you aren't comfortable sending nudes. they will be furious. verbally *** you and even manipulate you into feeling like shit because you "disappointed your master" a real dom wouldn't *** you out of your comfort zone. however alot of real doms will instead help you out of your comfort zone by inching you out little by little while still being considerate of you. but that's my experience.

[le****]

All of the power of consent and trust and boundaries come from true submission. Most of the internet kink space is fake dommes who are just weak men hoping to have power over someone and to do whatever they want. There's a whole lot more to unpack about that if you really dive into it.

[Ba****]

To me, fake doms are people that don't respect boundaries, have "don't have limits", "no limits", and/or abusive. They don't care about people and are only here to hurt others.

[ra****]

My opinion, very summed up: a fake dom treats "a" sub like a f**k buddy. A real dom treats "his" sub like his wife. Dom/sub is a mutually beneficial relationship with an understanding of fulfilling the others desire.

[Deleted Member]

You should never have to "weather" under a dom, bad or good. Everything is negotiated, under your preferences. You don't want it, it doesnt happen.
The bad things are things you specifically consented to and agree to that specific time.
Never ***d or pushed to.

[Do****]

One of the ways I sum it up is that the standard person who calls themselves a Dom is someone whose view of dominance is getting a blowjob in their car in the Starbucks parking lot. Or, online, someone who likes blowjobs who happens to own a flogger.

[ba****]

Encountered many. They just want to get laid will say anything to do so. They have no clue what being a Dom is.

[Do****]

But again. Is that a 'fake' Dom? That totally depends on the sub. If the concept of what others consider a Dom is not the same as you are looking for, none of the opinions of us matters. A Dom is someone who is basically married to you??? Run away! Fast!!!

Don't let anyone here define what a Dom is. A Dom is whatever you are looking for in a Dom.

Everyone here (including me) is telling you what a fake Dom is. But we are all full of shit, because it is YOU who knows what you want. Most of the people responding to this are doing so to get in your pants.

A Dom, no matter what WE believe, is a real Dom based on YOUR needs.