a few thoughts & a small anecdote about "Informed Consent" vs "Consent" in regards to BDSM/Kink Lifestyle

[pomonagirl909]

 

When i was a newbie, "informed consent" (or it's variant, the "enthusiastic, ongoing, informed consent") was something that the elders of the scene spoke of in reverent tones and a wistful look in their eyes.

It took a while for me to understand the difference between "Consent" and "Informed Consent"---which makes sense as i was totally new to this world of BDSM and Kink, so had little-to-none of the "Informed" part to go on.

You've got to gain experience (or at least, knowledge) to really know what you are saying yes to. It's a corundum that can have a lot of negative lasting effects on a newbie (my experience is as a sub/bottom, but i imagine that these types of "learning curve" problems can really affect all roles).

One thing that happened kind of recently that reminded me of this issue was not during a play session, but at a munch.

i was talking with a small group of people (myself, a Sadist, and a D/s/DDLG couple). The "D" of the D/s couple said that they'd gotten a new toy lately, and did i want to see a picture of it? Of course, my mind (and i think the Sadists' mind, too) immediately went to something more like an S/M type toy. Maybe a new whip or flogger. Maybe even a piece of furniture or some exotic piece of bondage gear.

So imagine my surprise when he hands me the phone and it's a picture of a vibrator, in between the "s" part of the couples' legs! i am only grateful that the "s" was shown clothed (the picture showed from the waist down and i think she had on panties, a leotard or maybe leggings). So it wasn't technically a "pornographic" or "explicit" image...but still...it wasn't what i was expecting to see, and honestly didn't have an interest to see.

All in all, it was a good reminder to not assume things, and to ask qualifying questions before saying "yes". If i had taken a moment to remember "Informed Consent", i would have asked, "What type of toy?" He would have said, "Vibrator". And i would have said, "Oh cool! That's awesome but i don't need to see a picture of it." (Then later, i probably would have privately asked the "s" type if she likes it, and if so, to send me the make/model. i mean, when it comes to vibrators it's all about word of mouth recommendations!)

Just a little anecdote and reminder about "Informed Consent" vs "Consent" not only during a play scene, but with all types of interactions with Kinksters.

[Ch****]

Very well said.
Just to mention that the sub should also have had given informed consent allowing her dom to share the photos with others...

[TimtheMerciless]

Those people around creepy to me .

[pomonagirl909]

36 minutes ago, Christian-2070 said:

Very well said.
Just to mention that the sub should also have had given informed consent allowing her dom to share the photos with others...

Yeah......i try to not judge/not disrespect another persons' relationship or dynamic. But OMG i hope the Dom had her permission/it's part of their dynamic. Personally, i felt so embarrassed for her.  And either way, the Sadist and i were not impressed by the photo at all...LOL...we're like, oh, a vibrator. 

[pomonagirl909]

19 minutes ago, TimtheMerciless said:

Those people around creepy to me .

thank you for saying so. This couple that i mention, they are actually the hosts of this particular munch (they took it over when the previous couple---who were so cool and welcoming---retired from hosting). It's really weird but i have never felt totally comfortable around them. Nothing i can put my finger on, but a vague feeling of unease is always there. 

 

It really is a shame because that used to be my favorite munch (and the one closest to my house). So thank you for expressing your feeling there in that comment. It helps my own perspective. 

[TimtheMerciless]

Pomona : Thats a shame to hear your munch has a downside. Mine has had its ups and downs over there years .  Don't go at present .

Best to keep a upbeat and friendly distance from people like that and make contacts and friendships with munch people outside the munch.

[pomonagirl909]

TimtheMerciless: it went from a small but vibrant and loyal group, good mix of regulars and new faces, lots of camaraderie, conversation, as well as some periods of announcements and a topic for group discussion led by the amazing Hosts. Typically around 15---25 people each month. Now it's typically 3---6 people per month (including the hosts). And there is just *something* about the hosts. You know----they aren't outwardly, in-your-face villains, but they also don't seem 100% "legit". It's hard to describe and for the longest time i just tried to ignore it and find SOME common ground with them in order to have nice conversations and camaraderie when i do attend. It really is a shame---from what i've been told, this munch has been running under different hosts for over ten years. 

 

i know covid has taken a toll on lots of events (some people leaving the social community behind, some just still getting back into the mindset of attending things)....but also, i know that in this case, it's more than that. i live around an hour from Los Angeles and this is the closest one to my house (most are 30 miles or more distance). 

 

Again, thank you for your thoughts and reaction to the anecdote. i've been making excuses for them in my mind----"oh, it's just me, for some reason i'm just not 'gelling' with them"----but with the dramatic decrease in attendance, i have to realize it's not just me. For a few years, i've toyed with the idea of starting up my own Munch---as you can see, my immediate area is in need of one. Maybe this will be the year i finally do it. 

[TimtheMerciless]

That's ok.

My local much was run by a former Girl Scout leader and ex house domme. The combination of skills always made me laugh.

There would be a quiz and you could win some bondage gear etc. It was fun and there was a lot of social to it.

 

She was brilliant at it. Good natured, Authoritative.

 

But after a few years she handed it on to somone else who was not as talented.

 

That's life.