To kink or not to kink

[Deleted Member]

Okay, so this is probably going to come completely rambled, there are a lot of thoughts in head from do I carry on trying to find a suitable dom or give up and just go back to being vanilla?
My origin story, 15 or 16 years ago I was introduced to the lifestyle, a sweet man opened my eyes to something I knew was always there but never knew what it was. This was unfortunately only online so could only go so far.
Since then I've had online dynamics with 2 men one lasting about 2 years, after the last of those I decided that online was just not giving me what I needed. I am not good in crowds as I'm an introvert and can't cope with too many loud noises. So have never been to a munch as there is no way I'd make it through the door, mine that is.
I've spoken to countless men, I've met a few from the flat worlder to the pothead, to the ones who wanted oral behind a Bush on a rainy day.
Of those 2 have carried on to the point of we've agreed to be Dom and sub. Both men have come across as caring, gentlemanly, respectful, supportive, all the words which made me feel like yeah this is a good one. Both have then ended abruptly when life issues come up and they've just dissapeared.
No word, no reason, nothing, that's the one thing. But the thing that really p***es me off is that I'd left personal items with them, which haven't been returned.
That I don't understand, why are you keeping someone's sex toys? Are you that hard up that you think the next woman is going to want to use second hand stuff?
So anyway this has made me begin to wonder whether this lifestyle is actually worth pursuing, it's been a long time, I've seen friends begin relationships build a comfortable home and there I am forever the single one. The one who tells a friend oh I met someone, only to then say oh yeah no thats done the next time we speak.
I've been telling myself that I can't go on a vanilla date site as I'd miss out on what I really need, but I am not getting what I need anyway.
Sorry I wrote half a book just needed to vent.

[ki****]

I also have had issues, but unfortunately after going to tinder and the like it just doesn’t work for me

[hy****]

What do u need?

[GreyHog]

I feel bad for you and the ones who are too small to be respectful and honest. Just as not all "doms" are really doms, not all "doms" are untrustworthy. Keep looking for what you need, but don't compromise your standards just to get "some" of what you are looking for. And good luck in your pursuit.

[typhoon2]

Corrupting vanilas is the most likely approach for success - you get the general overlap of interests and can possibly sway them to your kinky desires. Working the other way, the very (2%?) small pool of kinksters whose general interests overlap with your own mean a tiny likelihood of success. Worst case scenario is that you're settled, if not entirely content. That applies to almost every single relationship so you don't really lose. As to how to corrupt them, the interest in Fifty Shades and kinky sex toys on the high street infers a fertile ground for exploration by partners. It's human nature to pursue those explorations when there's an enthusiastic response, which is down to you.

[Deleted Member]

Are you also looking for a relationship? I know it’s harder but maybe find a someone you really like that’s vanilla but open to the kink lifestyle and just kind of guide him. Unless of course you don’t want that. Just a thought. I really hope you find your connection! Being a sub and finding a good Dom is so hard. 😭

[Je****]

I'd just say, don't give up. But stop trying. Good things come along when you least expect and when you aren't looking for them, right? There is a lifestyle and person involved in it, for you. Or persons. Life and relationships can be fleeting but what's meant for you won't pass you by.
Wishing you so much luck.
Also ick and boke to those who kept your toys/belongings.

[hy****]

I know what u need
But can u say it?

[Deleted Member]

I am looking for both relationship and the D/s dynamic.

[ha****]

As someone who has been in a vanilla relationship for almost 3 years now I can tell you don’t give up on finding what you need. My partner had me believing they could fulfill my needs when we first got together and that is not at all how it’s going and I can’t stand it…hence how I ended up here. If you truly need a certain amount of kink in your life you’re always gonna crave it and there’s a good possibility (not always but I can say for me it’s this way) that it could cause pretty big problems in your relationship because of the need that can’t be fulfilled

[Samischaste]

Keep looking both here and on vanilla sites. If a guy on a vanilla site isn’t interested in your kinks then he’s not the one. But as other folk have said you may well find a vanilla guy who is open to exploring and that could be fantastic as you can “train” him

[Greenman56]

Don't give up, some of us are caring doms who look after their subs and listen to them.

[4R****]

If I had a pound for every time I’d read a post about not being able to find the one I’d not only have the penthouse apartment but I’d have the Audi R8 too 😂

As many have already said, don’t give up on what you crave, when the time is right it will happen. As someone said earlier, stop ‘trying’ too. I can’t endorse that piece of advice strongly enough. When someone is ‘trying’ things feel unnatural and that can be off-putting.
 

Instead just chill out and let life happen. You might get one off play sessions, you might get short lived dynamics and you might lose the odd buttplug along the way, but it is all valuable experience (and can result in having a lot of fun along the way.

I’ve felt like giving up a few times over the years because I’d lost hope. But now I’m glad I stuck it out. I’m sure you’ll be glad you stuck it out too. 

Edited June 14, 2023 by 4RCH
Typo

[BigPolly]

You’re not alone in this, most of us have had at least one bad experience if not a few but you learn from them & even learn to laugh about them.
You know what you want & that’s a perfect start. Be patient & just have fun until you find someone who’s right for you, good luck but don’t comprise what you want as you’ll never be happy 😊

[Greenman56]

The sub I'm with now had 2 really bad experiences,  she was in 2 minds whether or not to submit to me, was like you on the point if giving up, 3 years now she's loving it.  You'll find someone I'm sure.  If you need to chat message me.

[Ae****]

This stuff gives you something you need.
Take time alone, introspect, think hard, learn how to explore your own mind. Examine what this great need is, and where it comes from. Then deal with it *directly*, as opposed to using bdsm dynamics to give you a desired mental state. The dynamics are, currently, a way for you of meeting this need that is, obviously, dependent on others. You can either learn to meet it in ways that you can control (ie independently), or maybe in the course of this introspection you'll find out that you have something in your mind that wants your attention and there's some actions to take to resolve it - and once taken, the need you had will then actually cease to exist.

You may find the need to be a sub, to have this formal dynamic, entirely disappears. And life becomes so much simpler when you don't NEED this.

That's my two cents :)

[Ju****]

I'm not going to tell you to definitely keep looking or to go back to vanilla.

What I will say is, and this is just my very personal CIS HET White Male perspective, you've been down both roads. You know what one offers and what the other has the IRL potential for. Hell I'm 56, just out of my second LTR and I'm finally getting back into the lifestyle that fits with who I am inside.

The ones in this life that you're looking for, who will dedicate themselves to you, not run when their life gets hard, not ghost you, will help you grow into the person you want to or need to be, are out there.

The single hardest part of all of this (aside from those that use people) is going from a large dating pool, namely everyone who's looking, to a subset. And within that subset you're looking for someone who meets your kinks and you theirs, along with ALL the normal desires and needs in a partner. Big ocean, few compatible fish.

IMHO is it worth keeping looking, working on whatever issues and personal goals you have until then? Yes. Does it feel like it, being as we're "older" and time seems short? No. But this isn't a sprint. This is for the long haul.

Will it happen for me? 🤷‍♂️ Who knows. At worst I don't get my dream life, but at the same time I make friends and learn more and more about myself. At best, I find my one to spend my sunset with.

[Ba****]

1 hour ago, haunted_mindfk said:

As someone who has been in a vanilla relationship for almost 3 years now I can tell you don’t give up on finding what you need. My partner had me believing they could fulfill my needs when we first got together and that is not at all how it’s going and I can’t stand it…hence how I ended up here. If you truly need a certain amount of kink in your life you’re always gonna crave it and there’s a good possibility (not always but I can say for me it’s this way) that it could cause pretty big problems in your relationship because of the need that can’t be fulfilled

This. When lever I was in a vanilla relationship, it always ended pretty quickly because they couldn't give me what I needed/wanted. Mainly my little side, but they also never understood why I wanted certain things. It isn't worth it, in my opinion, to be in a relationship that you're not getting everything from.

[Ju****]

24 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

This stuff gives you something you need.
Take time alone, introspect, think hard, learn how to explore your own mind. Examine what this great need is, and where it comes from. Then deal with it *directly*, as opposed to using bdsm dynamics to give you a desired mental state. The dynamics are, currently, a way for you of meeting this need that is, obviously, dependent on others. You can either learn to meet it in ways that you can control (ie independently), or maybe in the course of this introspection you'll find out that you have something in your mind that wants your attention and there's some actions to take to resolve it - and once taken, the need you had will then actually cease to exist.

You may find the need to be a sub, to have this formal dynamic, entirely disappears. And life becomes so much simpler when you don't NEED this.

That's my two cents :)

Well said

[sardonicus87]

Personally, I look at it as what's most important in a relationship. Congruent personalities and life goals is most important above all else. If I looked for a kink match for me, I'd probably be single forever. I've been looking over 15 years and still not found anyone in a reasonable distance. I would say the best thing to do is find someone that's a good match for your personality and life that can accept you being kinky and be OK with you getting those kink needs met elsewhere. If you try to look for someone that ticks every box, it's next to impossible to find anyone. Find someone that tics the most important boxes and is OK with you getting other boxes ticked elsewhere.

Like I said, I haven't even fond a kink match in 15 years for me (hard masochist that has no desire for power exchange dynamics of any kind... people say they exist, but I've yet to come across one that wasn't over 1,000 miles away), but what I am looking for is definitely not mainstream (relative to the kink world). I have a wonderful wife I met through my local kink scene. We're a perfect match for one another in all ways other than kink (we don't share the same kinks). She's perfectly fine playing with other people for that and fine with me playing with others.

[Deleted Member]

I suppressed my kinky side in a vanilla relationship and it tore me apart. I'd say keep looking.
Trying to convert a vanilla person I don't think is fair; and in my experience even if they indulge it's not the same.
Best of luck to you.