In person meetings

[fr****]

Dude, I'm not going to get into any negativity. I do more than ok on here and away from this app. The question was about how some people never want to meet anyone in person. It has nothing to do with me personally because I don't have a problem in this area. It is just curious to me that kink is a mostly physical and social activity and some people don't want to meet others in the community. It's similar to using an app for people who want to play football but they never want to go outside. I hope that makes it clearer

[Ta****]

11 minutes ago, frontman23 said:

Dude, I'm not going to get into any negativity. I do more than ok on here and away from this app. The question was about how some people never want to meet anyone in person. It has nothing to do with me personally because I don't have a problem in this area. It is just curious to me that kink is a mostly physical and social activity and some people don't want to meet others in the community. It's similar to using an app for people who want to play football but they never want to go outside. I hope that makes it clearer

Ok, fair, pardon the assumption, but no offense your post did come off a little like “but what about me?”

No doubt there are scammers, catfish and god knows what else lurking in the online dating world, but that’s my point. It’s a whole world of different interests, ideas, and objectives. Some I have plenty of purely academic conversations with no intention of meeting, and other conversations based on the idea that person might be someone I’d enjoy meeting, and even then, not all of those meetings would be with the intent to be sexual with those people. As someone else said, different strokes for different folks. If people you’re talking to aren’t being straight with you about their intentions, then that sucks, but let’s face it…this is the internet after all, and with that comes having to expect a certain amount of bs.

[fr****]

Dude, you hit the nail on the head. Catfishes, scammers and probably also plenty of asexual people. I was hoping to see other perspectives to learn and your last response was insightful. I'm always amazed by the diversity of thought and how different we can all be from eachother. All while looking so similarly. Thanks for your contribution

[Ta****]

Yeah man, like I said, best of luck. I thought about what you said about the football app, but nobody wanting to go outside, and it made me wonder…stadiums are built so thousands and thousands of people can -watch- while only a handful of people actually step out on the field. That might have been a better metaphor than you realized, as the lifestyle gets teased in pop culture and more people sort of check it out, or dip their toe in, I think a lot of people are here just to window shop and live vicariously through others. But that’s every bit as true on vanilla dating apps…how many Tinder profiles have you seen that said “my friend made me do this”?

[fr****]

That makes so much sense. I think I get it now

[Deleted Member]

I apparently am approaching the women here all wrong no matter HOW I approach them. Even a simple "Hello 👋🤓" has gotten me blocked. So I stopped trying. There are some amazing women on here once you get past the scammers but most of them can't even be bothered to communicate.

[Deleted Member]

For the record, I attempt to interact with people who I believe would be willing to chat and eventually meet. "No limits on age", "Looking for older gentleman", "Open to anything", and "Willing to chat with anyone". But those apparently don't include me lol

[Ta****]

8 minutes ago, borgbug said:

I apparently am approaching the women here all wrong no matter HOW I approach them. Even a simple "Hello 👋🤓" has gotten me blocked. So I stopped trying. There are some amazing women on here once you get past the scammers but most of them can't even be bothered to communicate.

You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t sometimes, for sure. Short message? Low effort and lost in a sea of other “hello” messages…Long message? TLDR, or coming on too strong. I recently got blocked for pointing out that for someone who claimed they wanted a dynamic with me, their friend list was growing awfully big lol. Thanks for saving me the trouble 😂. I’ve discovered the key to forming a connection on here is reading between the lines, and recognizing the idiosyncrasies of people who have no intention of connecting on a personal level, and just leaving them be to do whatever it is they’re up to.

[Deleted Member]

@borgbug maybe you’re going after the wrong women? 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Am****]

I think their many reasons as in someone to picky or know exactly what they want. Distance and time you have is a big one for married or people with kids. Another is people are first off lazy!!! It’s true people are lazy! Just don’t want to put in the effort time and maybe ***. I also think people but kinks and their sexual want last.

[BruiseWayne]

5 hours ago, Classy_Deviant said:

most women I talk to long enough have a horror story about a meeting someone online that did not go well

Unfortunately I've found this to be all too common as well. And I've heard some real horror stories. The women who DON'T have one seem to be the exception and/or they just didn't want to talk about it ( yet ) too. Sad but true.

 

Usually when someone is griping about how nobody seems to want to meet up or do anything in person it's a man complaining about women, so I'm going to come at this from that angle...

 

 

Sure it's annoying and frustrating for the rest of us ( men ) to be judged or dealt with in a certain way based off of what someone awful did to someone else, but a lot of guys aren't able or willing to think of it from the women's perspective either.

 

Just think of what the price of them trusting someone and getting it wrong could be. I understand why they are the way they are and they approach us men, who are complete and total strangers to them, they way they do OL. If you had someone you thought you could trust enough to do some intense kink with who  wound up violating you, you'd be overly cautious too.

 

Even if a girl has managed to dodge being the victim of some psycho creep, there's plenty of other women that they probably personally know who've had some guy either try or succeed to do something particularly heinous to them at some point, and they hear those stories ALL the time.

 

And yes I've heard instances of women attacking women and men too but they're much fewer and father between.

 

IMHO kink must seem like a playground for a certain kind of predator specifically because a lot of this revolves around gaining another person's trust and making them feel comfortable and safe enough with you to let you do some wild ass shit to them ( or have it done to you ). So sad to say but people who like to *** others are really good at gaining their trust and manipulating them into feeling comfortable with them. Women need to be extra wary and cautious of that because more often than not it seems to be men causing the majority of the trouble there.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, thesoftgirl said:

@borgbug maybe you’re going after the wrong women? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Apparently they are ALL the wrong women in my case lol

[ey****]

Folk talk about sending messages as if "Hello!" or *multi page essay* are the only ways to contact someone.

A paragraph or two, keep it under 250 words, make it brief but make it count

Show you've read their profile and are interested in *them*

From your perspective - it's not something that should take too long to write.  It's also good for writing practice. If you don't get a reply it doesn't/shouldn't feel like you've wasted time

From her perspective - she can see effort without being faced with a daunting wall of text.

Asking a question is also more likely to keep a conversation going

The question could be about a TV show or book you can see they like, whether they go to the local munch, if they were planning on going to hot-new-event in the area, so on

rather than "How are you?", "How was your day?" etc.

[Th****]

13 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Folk talk about sending messages as if "Hello!" or *multi page essay* are the only ways to contact someone.

A paragraph or two, keep it under 250 words, make it brief but make it count

Show you've read their profile and are interested in *them*

From your perspective - it's not something that should take too long to write.  It's also good for writing practice. If you don't get a reply it doesn't/shouldn't feel like you've wasted time

From her perspective - she can see effort without being faced with a daunting wall of text.

Asking a question is also more likely to keep a conversation going

The question could be about a TV show or book you can see they like, whether they go to the local munch, if they were planning on going to hot-new-event in the area, so on

rather than "How are you?", "How was your day?" etc.

This is such a good point. Flex, stretch and grow those conversational muscles. This is a thing every human can be proactive in getting better at and more comfortable with. 

[Lu****]

People come on here for a myriad of different reasons. Maybe they are new to kink which can be daunting and scary to move onto the real life. Maybe they have fantasised or dreamt about their kinks for months or years, having it potentially materialised may have spooked them. Maybe they are married/in relationships and they are seeking validations and attention. Maybe they just want virtual connections for some online fun and nothing more. There are so many more but hopefully you get the gist that there could be a plethora of reasons. If you know what you want, use the talking stage to ask the questions to find out if the other person is after the same and if they do not align with what you are looking for you can move on.

[Deleted Member]

I get a lot of people not wanting to meet, they take my number, we hit it off but they time waste, they'll say they want to meet, but won't organise it, or they ghost out of nowhere, because they see me as a free sex line. I honestly feel like the porridge in Goldilocks and the three bears,or quote right for anyone it seems. It's disheartening but I keep coming back because there's good people on here.x

[Je****]

Sadly this is not limited to women.

I had some sort of disappointments with meeting guys at the start of my time here, 3yr ago. One had cancelled on me first time arranging and then ghosted for 2 weeks but then decided to show up. I found out soon after that he was married. So I ended it, especially as his possessive traits and guilt tripping started to come out.

I have had others talk to me, go quiet, have me question myself what I have done wrong. Been ghosted in real life. 

Even had people online tell me they didn't want to talk to me any more as they assumed I was fake/a catfish and I thought but why even bother talking to me then.

Some people are all talk. Some are hiding things, some are scared and some are just plain bored and like to waste people's time. 

For me, if someone wants to cancel a first meet I give one more chance. A second time, I have more respect for myself and they get blocked. No time for that nonsense. 

[Deleted Member]

I think there are people on here living a fantasy (for whatever reason) who are never going to meet bc Fet for them is a coping mechanism or wank fodder. They might go all the way up to meeting before they pull, bc imagining they might actually do it gets them off, but they'll always cancel. Then there are the people with good intentions who get cold feet bc ... kink is scary when you're new.

What I don't like, tho, is the rise in "I don't want a pen pal", "be prepared to meet fast" crap that's appeared as a result. People don't want to give potential partners time to get comfortable bc they've been burned in the past. They want to cut to the chase and make sure it's real. But there is no shortcut in building trust.

[fr****]

1 hour ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

Sadly this is not limited to women.

I had some sort of disappointments with meeting guys at the start of my time here, 3yr ago. One had cancelled on me first time arranging and then ghosted for 2 weeks but then decided to show up. I found out soon after that he was married. So I ended it, especially as his possessive traits and guilt tripping started to come out.

I have had others talk to me, go quiet, have me question myself what I have done wrong. Been ghosted in real life. 

Even had people online tell me they didn't want to talk to me any more as they assumed I was fake/a catfish and I thought but why even bother talking to me then.

Some people are all talk. Some are hiding things, some are scared and some are just plain bored and like to waste people's time. 

For me, if someone wants to cancel a first meet I give one more chance. A second time, I have more respect for myself and they get blocked. No time for that nonsense. 

Do you regularly meet with people from here? The example from 3 years ago seems like some time ago so I'm wondering if you've maybe given up on the idea or stopped trying

[fr****]

12 minutes ago, Char__ said:

I think there are people on here living a fantasy (for whatever reason) who are never going to meet bc Fet for them is a coping mechanism or wank fodder. They might go all the way up to meeting before they pull, bc imagining they might actually do it gets them off, but they'll always cancel. Then there are the people with good intentions who get cold feet bc ... kink is scary when you're new.

What I don't like, tho, is the rise in "I don't want a pen pal", "be prepared to meet fast" crap that's appeared as a result. People don't want to give potential partners time to get comfortable bc they've been burned in the past. They want to cut to the chase and make sure it's real. But there is no shortcut in building trust.

I agree about the fantasy people. It's a shame that they waste the time of genuine people for their own selfish gratification. Maybe an AI chatbot would be appropriate for them. 

Where do you draw the line between getting comfortable and dragging things out. I've had my time wasted by someone who appeared to be genuine but wasn't. Also, what is the difference between speaking in person and on here? Surely speaking in person is better for getting comfortable with someone. I'm old-school so typing into my phone isn't my idea of getting to know someone. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer a face over a text box. I don't think anyone can convince me that typing into my phone is better than speaking with someone in person over a meal, walk or drink. Especially in the summertime 

Edited June 21, 2023 by frontman23

[Je****]

13 minutes ago, frontman23 said:

Do you regularly meet with people from here? The example from 3 years ago seems like some time ago so I'm wondering if you've maybe given up on the idea or stopped trying

As friends yes I meet people regularly off here. As partners no because I have a relationship and I am looking local In person now as opposed to online. 

[Ch****]

Haven't met anyone from here, no body is interested. It's a waste of time for me

[Je****]

Just now, Chiana said:

Haven't met anyone from here, no body is interested. It's a waste of time for me

Except me in a video call haha. 

[Ch****]

Just now, Jeneral_Whore said:

Except me in a video call haha. 

You are the only one Jen x. But we still haven't met in real life 

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, Chiana said:

You are the only one Jen x. But we still haven't met in real life 

Yeah the opportunity was there once, but the time and expendiature wasn't but there is always time for us, always  But I hope you meet that someone who wants to meet in RL and date, off here or offline. It's hard on here though that much is true.