Doms not leading conversations....

[Gr****]

Joined almost 2 weeks ago and everyone I have chatted so far had been so dry at conversation . The moment you moved past “hi how are you…”. It goes dead. Similar interests anything… nope just dry as hell.

[Je****]

13 minutes ago, 4RCH said:

OK some insight into why Dominants might not lead a conversation...... Genuine messages in my inbox:

Example 1:
Random Person: "Hi"
Me: Hey there, how are you?
Random Person: "Gd Thx"
Me: "That's great to hear"
Random Person: ....... [tumbleweed]

Example 2:
Random Person: "Hello"
Me: "Hello"
Random Person: ....... [tumbleweed]


Example 3:
Random Person: "Hi"
Me:  ....... [tumbleweed]

 

Example 4:
Random Person: "Hi! I thought I’d push my way into your inbox and take a look… as long as you don’t object of course? Your profile caught my attention, especially your "Intro to BDSM - Arch Style". You seem to understand what this lifestyle is all about, the playfulness of it along with the traditions, an unusual quality to be found these days. Just to prove I did read to the end… how do you like being a pilot?

Me: Hi and thanks for barging in, I trust the view is to your liking? As you can probably tell, I enjoy writing, but I particularly enjoyed writing that introduction post as there is a lot of "me" and how I live the lifestyle in it. Kudos for reading my whole profile, you must have been board by the end lol. But to answer your question, I absolutely love the freedom of being up in the air. It puts a totally different perspective on problems and makes you realise that it's a big world out there. Just to prove I've read your profile also - who are your favourite bands and why?

Conversation continues.............

As you can see, I will match the effort and tone of the person messaging me. If they can't be a**ed then neither can I. Whereas in example 4 the person injected some humour, made it clear they've read my profile and were a little bit cheeky whilst asking for consent. In other words, they made an effort to make an impression.

When I send someone a message it's short but well, thought out, relevant and a conversation opener. Oh and for your info, the conversation in example 4 is still ongoing 18 months later and neither of us have to make an effort to 'keep the conversation going', it just flows!

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

[Gr****]

So true^

[ey****]

I don't feel the problem is exclusive to Dominants

but particularly guys often struggle to hold conversations online in general.   They kind of start the conversation and then don't know where to go with it.

So it either leaves the recipient with a comment that is difficult to respond to.

A loop of small talk hell "How are you?", "how was your day?" etc.

or, they skip to the "wanna f**k"

it feels often void in actually asking questions to get to know the other person, especially outside kink

[Deleted Member]

Idk I'm always trying to take charge and lead conversations, getting to and setting up the in person meet but I'm nonstop left on read so what am I supposed to do with that?

[CopperKnob]

Are we suggesting that a Dtype 'has' to lead a conversation? That this should be expected of them?
This is like saying only blokes can ask someone out which is, kinda outdated 🤷‍♀️
.
Whether a Dtype can lead a conversation with someone they're unlikely to have met and are just starting to get to know online (of all places) isn't a real indicator as to how Domly they are or how well they can control a situation of any type.
.
It would be a huge turn off for me if some rando came into my DM's and controlled the whole interaction whether they're identifying as a Dtype or not. I've a voice and I like to be heard. Come into my DMs making a whole bunch of assumptions/not paying attention to my response, running roughshod over it/belittling it and they'll soon find out my thoughts on that behaviour regardless of the fact that I identify as a sub and they a Dom.
For anyone who doesn't view that as submissive behaviour can 🦆 off quite frankly.
.
Conversations are give and take just like any relationship D/s or otherwise. Match whatever energy you receive. That's all there is to it.

[Je****]

3 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I don't feel the problem is exclusive to Dominants

but particularly guys often struggle to hold conversations online in general.   They kind of start the conversation and then don't know where to go with it.

So it either leaves the recipient with a comment that is difficult to respond to.

A loop of small talk hell "How are you?", "how was your day?" etc.

or, they skip to the "wanna f**k"

it feels often void in actually asking questions to get to know the other person, especially outside kink

Everyone deserves a chance. And for them to be cast aside for not pushing conversations, even if they're low in confidence or unsure of what do do/say, it's only going to hinder them further with trying as it's kind of a mixed signal at times. Having a conversation that seems to go both ways then one falls quiet?! No wonder they get nervous. If you really want to keep interaction up with someone, then tell them so, or make that equal effort. Takes more than one to successfully converse.

So hard for guys even online now a days.  We need to help them find their confidence, show we are willing to mutually bond and converse and create a reassuring atmosphere. But that's my opinion xxx

[li****]

Oh 100%! I go by actions not words 🤭

[Be****]

I don’t think its just with the doms. Being a dom in bed might not translate into taking lead in everything.
Well sometimes it does happens that conversation die out because people getting busy or talking to a lot of people, hence switching between contexts.

If you see this too often, then perhaps they just loose the interest or just the vibe is not intense.

[Am****]

For me a newer dom it’s more shyness/ not knowing what to say. Don’t want to over power or go to fast. Don’t want to say somthing that make the submissive person unhappy or feel pushed over. This is most sexual stuff. For ever day chat I’m more worried of being boring or being up something you have no interest ie sports or video game. This is if I don’t know what you like.

[Je****]

6 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Are we suggesting that a Dtype 'has' to lead a conversation? That this should be expected of them?
This is like saying only blokes can ask someone out which is, kinda outdated 🤷‍♀️
.
Whether a Dtype can lead a conversation with someone they're unlikely to have met and are just starting to get to know online (of all places) isn't a real indicator as to how Domly they are or how well they can control a situation of any type.
.
It would be a huge turn off for me if some rando came into my DM's and controlled the whole interaction whether they're identifying as a Dtype or not. I've a voice and I like to be heard. Come into my DMs making a whole bunch of assumptions/not paying attention to my response, running roughshod over it/belittling it and they'll soon find out my thoughts on that behaviour regardless of the fact that I identify as a sub and they a Dom.
For anyone who doesn't view that as submissive behaviour can 🦆 off quite frankly.
.
Conversations are give and take just like any relationship D/s or otherwise. Match whatever energy you receive. That's all there is to it.

I whole heartedly agree with this. 

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

Everyone deserves a chance. And for them to be cast aside for not pushing conversations, even if they're low in confidence or unsure of what do do/say, it's only going to hinder them further with trying as it's kind of a mixed signal at times. Having a conversation that seems to go both ways then one falls quiet?! No wonder they get nervous. If you really want to keep interaction up with someone, then tell them so, or make that equal effort. Takes more than one to successfully converse.

So hard for guys even online now a days.  We need to help them find their confidence

I think there is some that goes down to context a little also.

A lot might be in how interested you are in the person so far or not anyway.  Another is if you recognise that they are struggling and can possibly give some conversation prompts.  But if it ends up you carrying the conversation it can be hard work and that depends, again, on how interested you are in them so far.

But I do think absolutely - IF it is someone you want to keep up interaction with then there are probably going to be times you would prompt them or help out a bit - and are probably also asking them questions also.

But I think in a lot of cases if the person isn't offering very much so far, there's less incentive for many people to try to carry the conversation.  It could, almost, be seen as leading someone on.

[LustAndLogic]

Not every Dom is looking for a partner who plays the submissive / passive part 24/7. As far as I am concerned, I am in fact turned on by women who are assertive or even dominant outside the bedroom and only become submissive in the bedroom. That being said, if your kink is that the dominant part should lead the conversation, there is nothing wrong with that either. Maybe you could mention your preference in your profile to make it clear what you are looking for from the get-go.

[un****]

what it sounds like you’re looking for is a one sided conversation and no one wants to be the one carrying a conversation it should be active participation from BOTH not just one person that isn’t mentally stimulating and an easy way to signal disinterest wether that is your intent or not

[ge****]

46 minutes ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

Everyone deserves a chance. And for them to be cast aside for not pushing conversations, even if they're low in confidence or unsure of what do do/say, it's only going to hinder them further with trying as it's kind of a mixed signal at times. Having a conversation that seems to go both ways then one falls quiet?! No wonder they get nervous. If you really want to keep interaction up with someone, then tell them so, or make that equal effort. Takes more than one to successfully converse.

So hard for guys even online now a days.  We need to help them find their confidence, show we are willing to mutually bond and converse and create a reassuring atmosphere. But that's my opinion xxx

Yes conversation is a two-way thing - but to flip the perspective a little if, regardless of category, one person leads the conversation and it's stilted and awkward - why should the other person be given a chance or helped to find their confidence?
.
Conversation at its best flows naturally between all participants with neither necessarily taking the lead, or if one does, the other follows naturally and instinctively.
.
As I've said at least twice now and others have suggested also, if there's not a natural flow to a conversation or it becomes an effort then it *is* a sign of incompatibility plain and simple.
.
Personally I don't believe either person *should* lead a conversation, but sometimes personal preferences, confidence and many other factors mean that is how it pans out - and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, so long as the conversation then flows.
.
A constant round of:
.
"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm ok"
"What you into?"
"This and that"
"Care to elaborate?"
"Oh you know"
.
etc etc etc
.
Gets very tired very quickly and deserves no chances being given the longer it carries on.

[SC****]

42 minutes ago, LustAndLogic said:

Not every Dom is looking for a partner who plays the submissive / passive part 24/7. As far as I am concerned, I am in fact turned on by women who are assertive or even dominant outside the bedroom and only become submissive in the bedroom. That being said, if your kink is that the dominant part should lead the conversation, there is nothing wrong with that either. Maybe you could mention your preference in your profile to make it clear what you are looking for from the get-go.

It certainly is nice to have a sub who can take care of herself from time to time.

[Ju****]

I'll add that I've had great conversations here and on FL that flow. Made great friends that way. If the conversation needs constantly being directed, that isn't a conversation. It's a guided exercise.

I want authentic communication with everyone..if the conversation dies or lacks "leadership" well then it's dead. I say that because once in a dynamic I expect my partner to be able to hold a conversation and not me lead thru it.

[CopperKnob]

The other thing to consider is this,
In real life conversations always end with a "bye", "catch you later" etc.
Online, there is no real or natural conclusion which, for someone people, may cause them to think that the other person isn't as engaged with the conversation as they thought or hoped whereas they may just be busy and offline.
By waiting for them to then restart/redirect is placing the pressure on them and, if I'm honest if someone were to do that to me, I'd probably think that they weren't interested and would give because, why waste my energy?
End of the day, chatting to someone online is not the same as in real life. Effort is required from all conversation partners

[Ae****]

I really don't know what is going on in your talks, but if you were really holding up your end of the conversation, the doms would really be very happy to lead it.
Maybe though (I obviously can't say), your responses are actually conversation killing - and therefore seem like you don't really want to talk. If a girl isn't coming off as making an effort, I drop the interaction. The unpoken message I get from her is, "I've got other people I prefer talking to, this is a boring convo for me" . When girls do like me, they talk, talk, talk, and we continue, cuz I can feel that she actually enjoys talking to me. Sometimes they start a topic, cuz she simply wants my attention, about anything. If I'm always chasing her... I start questioning her interest.

[ey****]

I think in general 

A lot of folk can improve their online communication - and I don't think any of us are really above it

But yep

If you are the one opening a conversation - in most cases the onus is going to be on you a little to have a message someone is going to want to reply to.  

Some people do a "Hey, want to talk" or "Hey how are you?" and get a response, but this is still, at this point, on them - like in both cases there's a reach out and "want to talk?", "Sure, what about?"

And, I still stand by that no one should feel obliged to reply - but if someone is interesting to you, then regardless of their role or gender, chances are they might struggle to hold the conversation themselves.  They might also feel you're not interested.  Ask them questions, bring up prompts.

Equally. If a conversation has been going and then suddenly stops - then - you've not been "ghosted" the conversation just stopped.   There's a hundred reasons why you were unread or left on read and it may well be your last message wasn't conversational or that they meant to reply and didn't - a small chase never hurts.
I literally did that today, got a sorry I've been busy and otherwise the response to what I'd messaged her for.  

[TwistedKing]

8 hours ago, bbwsub268 said:

I'm finding that I'm recieving DMs but that individuals identifying as Dominant, can't or won't lead the conversation.

In the end I've had to say... Im interested to chat with you.
I can hold my end of a conversation but if we come to an intersection in that discussion, I'll typically wait for you to lead us into a new discussion.

Now It's not that i can't lead a conversation..i do, a lot, with friends without benefits. As with being physically overpowered, it turns me on to know that a Dom can control a situation/dynamic/interaction better than I can.

I'm always interested to learn and better understand. So Doms, Is it shyness? Is it a bedroom vs lifestyle thing? Are you checking interest?

I can only speak for myself and from personal experience on this: "it's a combination of things" is the short answer. There's a balancing act of controlling interest and taking the lead while avoiding frenzy and appearing needy, and staying respectful all at once... I may be a Dominant, but I'm not your Dominant; so it's unacceptable for me to demand your submission when I don't know you and haven't even begun vetting let alone establish a rapport and start the negotiation process. 

 Protocols and experience also play a role: does the Dom have experience in the lifestyle; or is the only exposure 50 Shades and po*n? Is this Dom overcoming trauma or have they taken the time and care to heal before resuming or beginning a new dynamic?

That makes a difference whether or not it's consciously realized.There's a little shyness as well, but I don't think there's any shorter answer than my initial. I do apologize if this sounds like a sermon; just wanted to answer as completely as possible.

[Au****]

19 minutes ago, TwistedKing said:

I can only speak for myself and from personal experience on this: "it's a combination of things" is the short answer. There's a balancing act of controlling interest and taking the lead while avoiding frenzy and appearing needy, and staying respectful all at once... I may be a Dominant, but I'm not your Dominant; so it's unacceptable for me to demand your submission when I don't know you and haven't even begun vetting let alone establish a rapport and start the negotiation process. 

 Protocols and experience also play a role: does the Dom have experience in the lifestyle; or is the only exposure 50 Shades and po*n? Is this Dom overcoming trauma or have they taken the time and care to heal before resuming or beginning a new dynamic?

That makes a difference whether or not it's consciously realized.There's a little shyness as well, but I don't think there's any shorter answer than my initial. I do apologize if this sounds like a sermon; just wanted to answer as completely as possible.

I completely agree

[lo****]

Some good points here, and some.. not so good.

I will say that if the only thing I am really getting from someone is hi/hello/hey.. for multiple messages over several days... and no conversation beyond that. I'm gonna be completely disinterested even if you had an interesting profile, or said something interesting at first.

There's a difference in leading the convo, and being able to HAVE one.

As long as someone is capable of thought and conversing, I at least am willing to start talking... as long as they approach me respectably.(Which is a WHOLE other subject there are multiple threads about.)

[An****]

1 hour ago, locketheart said:

Some good points here, and some.. not so good.

I will say that if the only thing I am really getting from someone is hi/hello/hey.. for multiple messages over several days... and no conversation beyond that. I'm gonna be completely disinterested even if you had an interesting profile, or said something interesting at first.

There's a difference in leading the convo, and being able to HAVE one.

As long as someone is capable of thought and conversing, I at least am willing to start talking... as long as they approach me respectably.(Which is a WHOLE other subject there are multiple threads about.)

I think we can all agree here its all about respect, communication, interacting and leading. If your shy, just be honest, honesty will get you along way if your upfront, especially newbies. Weve all got to start somewhere, umm dont count me as a Newbie though! 👍😂

[Au****]

17 minutes ago, Analmaster69 said:

I think we can all agree here its all about respect, communication, interacting and leading. If your shy, just be honest, honesty will get you along way if your upfront, especially newbies. Weve all got to start somewhere, umm dont count me as a Newbie though! 👍😂

Agreed