Found out my girlfriend did smoking fetish work

[BigShooter88]

I've been with my girlfriend for four years. Recently an acquaintance told me that she had done smoking fetish modelling and escorting work specialising in smoking fetish blowjobs.

I confronted her about it and she finally admitted to it all. She said that she had done smoke fetish blowjob sessions for a few years but had stopped before we got together.

I want to believe her but the thing is I found a pack of long white menthol cigarettes in her handbag recently. If she wants to have the occasional cigarette when she's out with her friends I don't mind but what do I do if she's meeting guys to do what she called a "Smoke Show"?

What really troubled me was how much she seemed to like talking about it when I spoke to her. She went on about how she would always be dressed up in kinky outfits and put a show on for the clients.

And if she likes doing that sort of thing why doesn't she offer me?

Edited July 16, 2023 by BigShooter88

[Deleted Member]

Personally I think the only way to move forward with that is trust, honesty and communication. Sit down and have a conversation about it, tell her how you feel and go from there.

[To****]

Have you told her you want a smoke show? Just be honest. Besides, they are amazing. I've not had one for about 4 years since the girl got into a serious relationship. 🤪

[de****]

She sounds like a dream!

[Ra****]

You are allowed to feel any kind of way about this. I would try to make some time to sit and discuss this at length. If she seems to enjoy talking about it, there may be an opening to do this sort of thing together. If you’re interested in that - tell you.

I’m wondering how it felt to find out from an acquaintance? There has to be trust and communication and there’s a reason she held onto this information - hold a space for her/your relationship and be honest about how you’re feeling.

I do think it’s important to remember that a crafty cig doesn’t necessarily mean she’s piping someone off in a cloud of smoke at every opportunity. 😮‍💨 🖤

[Ra****]

Tell her*

[Du****]

You “confronted her”, she “finally admitted” it, and yet you wonder why she doesn’t offer you a show? The language you’re using is highly judgemental, so it’s hardly surprising that your gf wants to keep you apart from her (current or former) activities. It might be time for some honest conversation - not just between the two of you, but you with yourself as well. I hope you can find peace with it.

[Deleted Member]

^ The above comment makes absolutely no sense.

[Du****]

15 minutes ago, short-dom03 said:

^ The above comment makes absolutely no sense.

Let me know which of the big words you need help with.

[ey****]

She did it for work, in the past.

She probably hasn't done it for you because (a) you haven't asked (b) you were a total arsehole to her about a previous job she'd had (c) previously she'd done it mostly for work

 

[Th****]

2 hours ago, DuchessFeuille said:

You “confronted her”, she “finally admitted” it, and yet you wonder why she doesn’t offer you a show? The language you’re using is highly judgemental, so it’s hardly surprising that your gf wants to keep you apart from her (current or former) activities. It might be time for some honest conversation - not just between the two of you, but you with yourself as well. I hope you can find peace with it.

This

19 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

She did it for work, in the past.

She probably hasn't done it for you because (a) you haven't asked (b) you were a total arsehole to her about a previous job she'd had (c) previously she'd done it mostly for work

And This.

 

Op you are allowed to have your feelings but you aren't allowed to be a shit about them. You need to do some introspection and figure our *why* you feel the way you do then work on that. It sounds like you could also use some work on your communication skills in general. 

[No****]

The fact that she has long white cigarettes suggests she may still do “smoke shows” on occasion. Those are by far the favorite variety of those of us with the capnolagnia fetish. That said, if you value your relationship, take down the accusatory tone and make a safe space for the two of you to talk about it. I recommend apologizing for how you initially reacted. Accept her past and move on as long as you feel you have honesty and good communication about the present. If you would like to explore that fetish, then count yourself incomparably fortunate because it has become quite difficult (at least in my location and in my experience) to find attractive women who still smoke cigarettes for the sensual pleasure/sexual arousal of others…particularly ones who will do a smoking blowjob.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Let me know which of the big words you need help with.

The ones you didn’t understand how to use

[Du****]

19 minutes ago, short-dom03 said:

The ones you didn’t understand how to use

I’m sorry, friend, no-one else seems to be having the same problem as you. How can I help?

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

I’m sorry, friend, no-one else seems to be having the same problem as you. How can I help?

Then they’re just as simple as you 🤷🏽‍♂️
He did absolutely nothing wrong, and there is nothing bad about his approach. Learn the meanings of the words you use.

[Du****]

9 minutes ago, short-dom03 said:

Then they’re just as simple as you 🤷🏽‍♂️
He did absolutely nothing wrong, and there is nothing bad about his approach. Learn the meanings of the words you use.

Setting aside your own lack of good manners, you’re mistaken. OP indicates his disapproval in his choice of words, and not surprisingly, his partner has responded as may be expected. OP has the opportunity to explore his own reservations as well as engaging in honest dialogue about it with his partner. I hope he will be more open to advice than you are, young man.

[ey****]

One thing in general though.

I've been on this site long enough to know there is somewhat of a pattern of posts/posters who don't always ask questions in good faith - and it can sometimes cause questions between... kinda... (a) is this person genuine, looking for advice (b) are they trolling

and an also kinda (c) even if they are trolling it can play into other things that people may look for advice on.

This post does tick the hallmarks of not entirely being in good faith - but, there are guys who find out their girlfriend has done (or is currently doing) some form of sex work and they don't know how to deal with this information.  Usually this is through their own prejudices or insecurities rather than any actual basis in reality.

Even aside from sex work, the amount of guys who are insecure (or have their own prejudices) if they find a partner has had multiple sexual partners before them.

And hey... like, look... if she did suddenly give a totally hot smoking blowjob the big question is always "so where did she learn to do that?" and the answer is always "a previous sexual partner" and a lot of men really do not like this. Especially insecure ones.

And so if this is real... if you don't trust that your girlfriend isn't meeting men when she's leaving the house with cigarettes you kinda need to work on your trust issues.   Equally if she is for paid work, then being aware of that is important.

In essence though, based on when the OP signed up for the site and their other posts - I doubt this is in anyway real.

 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Setting aside your own lack of good manners, you’re mistaken. OP indicates his disapproval in his choice of words, and not surprisingly, his partner has responded as may be expected. OP has the opportunity to explore his own reservations as well as engaging in honest dialogue about it with his partner. I hope he will be more open to advice than you are, young man.

No, and I can see now that simple words aren’t the only thing you skip over understanding. Oh well, have a nice day and hopefully you learn and grow

[am****]

I'm blown away at some of the responses I'm seeing here. For those who are attacking the poster and making him out to be the bad guy, allow me to offer a different perspective. After being with his partner for 4 years, he finds out that she was, or has been, doing fetish sex work. He may or may not be ok with that. And it's ok for him to feel that way. But, this means that she has kept this part of her life a secret from him, and he might not have been comfortable dating her in the first place if he had known. To make matters worse, it's not something that she told him in confidence. Rather, he heard it from an acquaintance. For someone who doesn't approve of that particular life choice, it could be extremely embarrassing to find out that the people you associate with know your partner to be a sex worker. Then he finds the fetish item in her bag. I find this detail significant because it alludes to the fact that she's not normally a smoker to his knowledge. All of these details together look very suspect and would be extremely upsetting. I salute the poster for being rational enough to want to talk this out. I'm sure this is traumatizing and heartbreaking for him. I don't really have any advice because I honestly don't know what I would do if I were in his shoes. Once you lose faith in someone, it's hard to get it back.

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, amuseme916 said:

But, this means that she has kept this part of her life a secret from him, and he might not have been comfortable dating her in the first place if he had known

This is the type of stigma where, if the person is real, why she might not have been forthcoming about this previous job.  Because guys react in different ways when they find out a prospective partner does, or did, sex work.   One is that this is a deal breaker for them that they even did it - which in which case they need to ask themselves where this comes from.  The other is that they then assume certain things are going to happen in their sex life or relationship.

For example, I know Pro Dommes who have talked to partners, gone on dates, etc. and the immediate assumption (for better or worse is) "oh, I'll be your sub" or "I'll try it" or some type of hope this is a live in D/s situation - when the reality is she just wants a boyfriend who is accepting of her job.  

So when you understand the stigma you understand why some might not be forthcoming.  And equally if it's a good relationship after 4 years than a period in the past isn't necessarily relevant.

16 minutes ago, amuseme916 said:

, it's not something that she told him in confidence. Rather, he heard it from an acquaintance

this is one of the things why I feel the OP is not posting in good faith.  Because why has it taken 4 years for an acquaintance to say something?

17 minutes ago, amuseme916 said:

Then he finds the fetish item in her bag.

It's a packet of fucking cigarettes.  It's not like it's a dildo and pack of condoms with a flogger on the end.

Why is he in her handbag?

 

18 minutes ago, amuseme916 said:

it alludes to the fact that she's not normally a smoker to his knowledge.

and he also mentioned she smokes when out with friends.

 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, amuseme916 said:

I'm blown away at some of the responses I'm seeing here. For those who are attacking the poster and making him out to be the bad guy, allow me to offer a different perspective. After being with his partner for 4 years, he finds out that she was, or has been, doing fetish sex work. He may or may not be ok with that. And it's ok for him to feel that way. But, this means that she has kept this part of her life a secret from him, and he might not have been comfortable dating her in the first place if he had known. To make matters worse, it's not something that she told him in confidence. Rather, he heard it from an acquaintance. For someone who doesn't approve of that particular life choice, it could be extremely embarrassing to find out that the people you associate with know your partner to be a sex worker. Then he finds the fetish item in her bag. I find this detail significant because it alludes to the fact that she's not normally a smoker to his knowledge. All of these details together look very suspect and would be extremely upsetting. I salute the poster for being rational enough to want to talk this out. I'm sure this is traumatizing and heartbreaking for him. I don't really have any advice because I honestly don't know what I would do if I were in his shoes. Once you lose faith in someone, it's hard to get it back.

100%
It’s unfortunate how much common sense has eluded those that read this post.

[am****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

and he also mentioned she smokes when out with friends.

 

 

 

I hate this type of backward thinking where if he's not comfortable with choices that she made in the past, then he needs to look within. People can, and should, judge one another based on past history. Especially if it's regarding something that you feel is morally wrong or could possibly affect a future relationship. For example, a woman who has done escorting may not view sex with the same reverence as the average woman. After all, an escort is willing to put a price on something that some may consider priceless. So, stop shaming him for having preferences. You're right about people having different reactions to finding out someone does sex work. Maybe he wouldn't have wanted to be with her. That would have been his choice, and he would have had every right to make it. If someone wants a partner who is accepting of their job, then they should be upfront about what they do so that person can decide whether or not they're willing to accept it. He doesn't specifically say that she smokes when out with friends. He says he wouldn't mind if she had the occasional cigarette while out with friends. It doesn't sound at all to me like she's a smoker unless she's on the job. And that's why it doesn't need to be a dildo in her bag. She wasn't doing dildo shows. She was doing smoke shows. So, unless OP clears this up, I'm going to assume the mention of cigarettes in her purse was significant.

[ey****]

I think just for further

The girlfriend isn't real. This is a troll post.

[MasterDarcy1979]

lol. This sounds like the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry is dating a masseuse but she doesn't give him a massage.

The thing that perturbs me isn't that she did "smoke shows"*, it's that you've been with her for four years and this never came up.

I'm a psychological Dom and I'm also demisexual, so I'm extremely OCD when it comes to discovering and learning and listening to everything about my other half, especially early in the dynamic.

I couldn't imagine not knowing. I need to know everything, no matter how small and insignificant or how sordid or even if it would hurt.

Communication and honesty are very attractive to me.

*They sound hot.

[BigShooter88]

Update:

I've likely used the wrong words in the original post. I didn't "confront" her in an aggressive way. I was naturally shocked at finding it out. In regards to finding the cigarettes in her back, her bag was open and I noticed them. Someone here replied about the type of cigarettes she had in her bag - I looked them up and they do seem to be the type that girls smoke when they do smoke fetish work. 

Quite a few people have suggested that I just ask her to do something like that for me, which is probably the most straightforward answer.

I'm not suggesting that every time she goes on a night out with cigarettes in her bag that she's going to be blowing smoke over some random guys dick but why that kind of cigarettes rather than say just regular ones? She has clearly picked those specifically. From what I've read they seem to be used heavily in smoke fetish videos, with a glamour element - Posing/getting attention etc 

Not saying she's doing anything sexual but I'm guessing she likes the attention she gets when she goes outside a bar for example and lights one up.