Poly as a Male

[Ph****]

I have found it quite alarming almost as a male who was brought into Poly from another women. And now that I am "solo" being poly has been increasingly harder for me.

I have found that alot of people hear that I am Poly as a male I get those same looks as if I just want to "f**k around."

I want to know what other peoples experiences have been being poly and "solo" or poly in general!

[Deleted Member]

Same at times 🤣 just gotta find the right people honestly. Took me a while to find the right crowed after my ex and I broke up

[Ma****]

Same exact experiences on my end, either they think I'm trying to fuck around or that I already have someone and I'm just trying to cheat or they want to try it out knowing full well they aren't really interested in it

[Sirfox38]

Hard be solo male poly.

[ge****]

You're essentially a single male looking for multiple partner experiences and as a result are in with the pool of all the other single males looking for the same.
.
So it comes down to presenting the best possible version of you through your profile and interactions etc and being clear about what you're looking for, as well as a level of acceptance that not everyone will be looking for the same as you.
.
I think you'll also find that because of the nature of it, kink may be a harder place to find those that are into "poly" because of the bonds (pun intended) that come with it more than say a swinging lifestyle.
.
That's not to say it's impossible but like I said does have to come with a level of acceptance that others may be looking for different from you.

[Je****]

I think it's all hard. Solo dating, and couple dating, poly lifestyles. Yet to find anything. I don't think it matters on gender or relationship status. Multiple folks ok with poly seem rare from my experience.

[ey****]

Poly is actually difficult for anyone to broach if they approach it wrong.

Like, imagine if you are a guy (as most are on this thread) and you sit down for a date with someone and she tells you that she's poly and has other partners - so you're not going to get all of her time.  How many guys are then going to be "nope".

Or even that she doesn't have other partners, but is 'solo poly' so intends on having more than one.  And it might be you're feeling a little "Wait, so this is our first/second date and she's already telling me I'm 'not enough' ?"

Now obviously those who understand poly/enm know that it really isn't like that - but your first thing here is that you have to remove anyone monogamous from your dating pool - because they aint going to be interested.  And despite how it might seem, most people are actually mono.

Guys sometimes get a little rough ride - and some of this often comes down to bad behaviour of other guys.  Or bad experiences that people have had.  That perhaps they do take on a solo partner, but then have found the solo partner became needy or a bit more demanding on time because they didn't find another partner - however much they kid themselves they'd be happy with loosely 1/3rd of their time 

and then there's been the guys who've claimed to be poly as an excuse to f**k their way through newbies in a kink community and use it as some form of shield "I'm not using all these naive newbies, I'm poly!" 

 

So, you gotta be able to show you're not like that.

But, perhaps it becomes a good time to seek out things like poly meets. There's people who may very well have specific support, stories and ancedotes, as well as those who do have scope for extra relationships.

Just. Don't fall into the trap that poly=easy.

[Je****]

1 minute ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Now obviously those who understand poly/enm know that it really isn't like that - but your first thing here is that you have to remove anyone monogamous from your dating pool - because they aint going to be interested.  And despite how it might seem, most people are actually mono.

Not too sure I agree with this bit. To be honest with my failed attempts, I feel I may be more mono, than poly, I don't know if it's due to the let downs, exhaustion or whatever other factor, but being mono, does not mean I need to be removed from my partners dating pool. SOME, not all but some, people can and do manage being mono with someone who's poly. In the sense that that person is "enough" for them and they are happy with just that one, and okay with their partner dating elsewhere. It is something I have considered, should more and more attempts at dating others flop for me. 

I feel there is always room for compromise, granted not everyone may be ok with this set up, but it's not unheard of. 6

 

[Je****]

4 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

and then there's been the guys who've claimed to be poly as an excuse to f**k their way through newbies in a kink community and use it as some form of shield "I'm not using all these naive newbies, I'm poly!"

I agree, and I have come across this once, where a guy seemed like a potential, and then said he would be out fucking all new people, but not mentioning to them that he was poly or that I was in his life should it have came to a relationship, so yeah, I ran fast. Not ENM at all. Excuses for poor sleazy behaviour imo.

[Deleted Member]

I have been in several poly relationships but always where my girlfriend/wife has had multiple male partners, so not sure if this is any help.

However I think there is an assumption given our very nature that men just want the sex so it will be harder for a woman to entertain. Funny thing is though, that is exactly why my wife had multiple partners, for the sex lol. 

Also with my wife, while we both had high sex drives, I was working 60hrs a week and she was a housewife, yes hard work but still plenty of time to be bored so we agreed to her having lovers. Worked fine for 20yrs. Reason we split up was nothing to do with her lovers it was simply down to me working so much we ended up spending no quality time together.

I was also involved in a wonderful relationship with a girl many years ago, she had 5 male partners including me. We all got on amazingly well and I was with her for 5 years, only reason I left that relationship was because I had relocate up north for my job. We still remain great friends (including all the guys) and she is still with the other guys 25 yrs later. 

So it can work.

BUT, and it is a big BUT, any relationship has issues, even vanilla! so the minute you introduce additional partners into the mix, whether male or female and whether wifes lover or yours, you compound the issues. Jealousy is an obvious one but in my case we had my wife getting pregnant by her lover not me... that caused issues and if it is not just about the sex which actually it should be, then you have more issues - why do you want to spend time with another partner when you are lacking quality time with existing one? In my case the resolution should have been to spend less time at work and more time with my wife... not simply allow additional partners to step in to do what I should have been doing.

Sorry, long post and probably not relevant to your situation but thought it may be useful to point out the pros and cons?

[Deleted Member]

Are you something else besides a poly? Seeing that you're solo, I feel you might need some other experiences to bring to the table.

I myself am demi so I don't have difficulty fulfilling my role in a relationship with a poly couple. I usually work with or guide littles and pets.

[Th****]

1 hour ago, EDM_RaveDad said:

Are you something else besides a poly? Seeing that you're solo, I feel you might need some other experiences to bring to the table.

I myself am demi so I don't have difficulty fulfilling my role in a relationship with a poly couple. I usually work with or guide littles and pets.

Polyamory isn't dating couples necessarily, I'd say it's likely more often than not dating individuals who are also dating someone else or multiple other people. 

[Ph****]

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate the conversation and help. I make sure I communicate super well with my current friend with benefits and she is aware i am poly and fine with it. I have been on a few dates without her and such. But I make sure I communicate and explain reasons and such.:) I just find it hard when I do tell people I just get the look. And I know it's from their own truma with dating. and I don't blame them

[Si****]

Same here man

[ey****]

5 hours ago, Jeneral_Whore said:

Not too sure I agree with this bit. To be honest with my failed attempts, I feel I may be more mono, than poly, I don't know if it's due to the let downs, exhaustion or whatever other factor, but being mono, does not mean I need to be removed from my partners dating pool. SOME, not all but some, people can and do manage being mono with someone who's poly. I

you know, fair.  I probably should have said 'may' and a lean towards 'probably not' - as, I guess, things aren't exhaustive and a lot comes down to context.

I think for me, for example, I personally wouldn't rule out any form of arrangement with someone who was monogamous - but certainly there's been folk I've looked at where in their idea of monogamy I wouldn't have been able to offer what they wanted.

[Lu****]

I have a partner and have been poly solo for a while. She is interested in other women. Not going to lie. Must be the location but we have 0 luck.

[Ha****]

You just have to deliver what you're looking for in a well thought out way. Also even though this lifestyle is outside the norm, many have still yet to break the unnatural conditioning of Monogamy set up by religious n political figures to perpetuate separation instead of promoting unity.

[Pa****]

I’d take the “you’re just looking to f**k around’ that you experience as a solo poly man to the regular sl*t shaming I get from men as a solo poly female any day!

[Ha****]

PanadaAce, no one in the lifestyle should be slut shaming you. Not anymore serious about the lifestyle. People outside the lifestyle won't get it so there's no reason to talk to any of them like they would

[Br****]

Being in poly as married and now divorced and the single male saying that It is def difficult. When you say you have better understanding then the single males that day oh that's cool. It's been a shift to being odd man out literally

[Deleted Member]

What is curious is the difference between male and female attitudes and consequences of poly relationships. Men get a deservedly bad rep because they are generally only interested in the sex IMHO and not the conequences or emotional havoc they wreak.

When my wife and I divorced, all her lovers left her. Nothing to do with me as I didnt even know who they were except for her ex husband. Apparently they were happy to be involved with a married woman cos it was NSA...... the minute she became a single mother they vamooshed..... despite being her lovers for 20yrs!!!! They did not want to be involved with single woman (especially with kids) as they ***ed getting sucked into a proper relationship. 

Two of our three kids are not mine, they are her lovers kids but I raised them and I support them even now after divorce, her lovers? gone, and no support.

sure, you could say it wasnt proper poly relationship, more cuckold but I'm going to suggest that alot of so called poly relationships are just a case of multiple partners for sex rather than for love and security.  In those cases it seems men happy to become lovers to women in existing relationships but averse to single woman? the married woman will be pretty much guaranteed NSA?

edit: I also find it odd that nobody mentions the consequences of poly relationships. Almost always spoken as though a dream scenario. Very rare anybody mentions getting pregnant, yet I've been in two poly relationships where kids were concieved. That is a serious consequence with lifelong commitments and issues. Bad enough in a vanilla!

Edited August 1, 2023 by Deleted Member

[Si****]

Maybe rather than calling yourself poly, you should say that you are into ENM, even though you don’t have a primary partner atm…
These multiple partners dynamics require imho a very solid couple to start with…

[ey****]

2 hours ago, sissyslave1968 said:

edit: I also find it odd that nobody mentions the consequences of poly relationships. Almost always spoken as though a dream scenario. Very rare anybody mentions getting pregnant, yet I've been in two poly relationships where kids were concieved. That is a serious consequence with lifelong commitments and issues. Bad enough in a vanilla!

I don't think there is a shortage of cautionary tale but I think it's important to split some common views

a) "I am mono therefore poly doesn't work" - which there's been commentators on in the past

b) "I had a bad experience in poly, therefore it doesn't work" - as if one persons bad experiences in mono means that doesn't work

c) "I have had good experiences in poly, therefore it works" - simple enough

d) "I have a poly fantasy - how do I make it happen" - which does often have a lot of the dream scenarios

 

I think there are a lot of differing attitudes when a lot comes down to sexes - that (cis) men cannot get pregnant but are aware (cis) women can and some will worry about her coming back pregnant (as a deliberate choice, this should be discussed - but, accidents happen) and I think men are more likely to be a little insecure also - the amount of guys who try to invoke 'one penis policies' (like, whenever you see people looking for a third/threesome - it's always a woman they want...) which sometimes does hinge more on fantasy that the trust, work and commitment that relationships require.

Especially multiple.

I think one of the things which makes it difficult is that some people approach it expecting it to be easier when it's actually harder. For everyone. Because there's so many what-if scenarios that a couple could discuss and compromise (or it end a relationship) whereas multiple people is a struggle.  Everything from pregnancy, relocation, taking on extra partners, a break up with another partner affecting time/structure, that there is no legal recognition for poly.  

I can think of a poly couple who married and it was very awkward for the front two rows at the "forsaking all others" part of the vows.  

 

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I don't think there is a shortage of cautionary tale but I think it's important to split some common views

a) "I am mono therefore poly doesn't work" - which there's been commentators on in the past

b) "I had a bad experience in poly, therefore it doesn't work" - as if one persons bad experiences in mono means that doesn't work

c) "I have had good experiences in poly, therefore it works" - simple enough

d) "I have a poly fantasy - how do I make it happen" - which does often have a lot of the dream scenarios

 

I think there are a lot of differing attitudes when a lot comes down to sexes - that (cis) men cannot get pregnant but are aware (cis) women can and some will worry about her coming back pregnant (as a deliberate choice, this should be discussed - but, accidents happen) and I think men are more likely to be a little insecure also - the amount of guys who try to invoke 'one penis policies' (like, whenever you see people looking for a third/threesome - it's always a woman they want...) which sometimes does hinge more on fantasy that the trust, work and commitment that relationships require.

Especially multiple.

I think one of the things which makes it difficult is that some people approach it expecting it to be easier when it's actually harder. For everyone. Because there's so many what-if scenarios that a couple could discuss and compromise (or it end a relationship) whereas multiple people is a struggle.  Everything from pregnancy, relocation, taking on extra partners, a break up with another partner affecting time/structure, that there is no legal recognition for poly.  

I can think of a poly couple who married and it was very awkward for the front two rows at the "forsaking all others" part of the vows.  

 

100% agreed

I have had amazing poly relationships that worked well and lasted, others failed. However same could be said for vanilla, no guarantee they'll last forever.

So in short, poly just requires more work and more comms and more emotional support than vanilla but when it works it is off the scale amazing. 

edit: my poly that worked was were we all communicated well, saw each regularly, had similar interests and got on very well with each other in day to day life. It was very natural for us to be together as friends that shared intimacy rather than staged 'scenes' in a fantasy.

 

Edited August 1, 2023 by Deleted Member

[te****]

In my experience it depends on when you let the one your interested in know your poly, if I have a primary already I’ll usually go ahead and let them know before asking for a first date, just to prevent having my time wasted on someone that isn’t ok with it, but if single I’ll usually wait until I’ve been on a few dates with the individual in order to get a general idea of rather or not they might see it as a deal breaker or not