How to heal

[Ba****]

Hello! I’m new to the app! And to the life style. Can I get some advice as to how to recover from misguidance and manipulation? I was introduced by my last.. and I started actual research and definitions were not lining up with his…

[De****]

Can you/ are you okay with giving more details?

[Deleted Member]

Be careful and do what you must to first be comfortable but my advice is you won't be able to truly recover unless you stop your interests in the lifestyle or you find someone who isn't fake to show you patiently and properly

[Da****]

Research, Research and research! Only do things that are comfortable for you

[Mi****]

I think you should approach this like you would with any issue that has a similar root cause.

Start questioning everything, do a lot of research, talk to others about their experiences. Find the truth first and foremost.

Once that is done you can find a way to heal. Whether through self-care, or aided by others, or through the use of a therapist. Most importantly, find a way to work through and digest those feelings of betrayal etc. that will swell up.

You may end up asking yourself all the whys. Why did he did do this, why did he say that, etc. remember that those questions are kind of secondary until you feel like you're back in control. Dont give somebody that manipulated you the benefit of the doubt. Even if it explains their actions, the consequences stand regardless.

This is why many women are so distrustful, and justifiably so (as you may now see yourself).

On the bright side, now you get to do some research and learn for yourself about yourself. Even if driven by a crappy reason!

[al****]

Read thru this apps forums section ARCH’s (new to bdsm beginners guide)is very detailed and informative about what to expect from a true bdsm relationship
If you have trouble finding his article let me know I’d be glad to help. Trust me it’s worth reading if your truly interested in this lifestyle I’m sure others here will agree

[Deleted Member]

In an instance like this, there are a few things that you need :

1. Acceptance. You cannot change the past, it’s happened. Nothing will change that.

2. You haven’t done anything wrong, do not blame yourself.

3. Understanding (it sounds like you’ve done research, so that’s great, well done). You’ll want to get your head around what’s happened.

4. Time. There is no miracle way to heal. It takes time and we all go at a different pace. Don’t be hard on yourself, just keep telling yourself that this feeling won’t last forever.

5. Reflection/Learning - reflect on the incident, but do not obsess over it. Think about it once you’ve had time to process it and take away all of the lessons that you’ve learnt from what’s happened.

6. Distraction. The human brain works in strange ways to the untrained person - I’m guessing you’ve never done any attention training techniques - so I’d recommend keeping yourself busy so that you don’t ruminate over things. With time, the intensity of your thoughts will lessen and lessen until you’ve completely healed.

Hope you’re ok x

[Ba****]

I want to say thank you guys. Trust me I do try my best to do research or sucked to have some one change the meanings and etc so I got a little confused for while. I came here because well this community obviously would be more fit for the advice as I have not established any friendships or etc within the community so I genuinely was curious.

I have no problem answering any questions if any.

It’s hard to talk about these things with people who are not from the community.
I really appreciate the advice 🫶🏼

[Ba****]

1 hour ago, v3i said:

In an instance like this, there are a few things that you need :

1. Acceptance. You cannot change the past, it’s happened. Nothing will change that.

2. You haven’t done anything wrong, do not blame yourself.

3. Understanding (it sounds like you’ve done research, so that’s great, well done). You’ll want to get your head around what’s happened.

4. Time. There is no miracle way to heal. It takes time and we all go at a different pace. Don’t be hard on yourself, just keep telling yourself that this feeling won’t last forever.

5. Reflection/Learning - reflect on the incident, but do not obsess over it. Think about it once you’ve had time to process it and take away all of the lessons that you’ve learnt from what’s happened.

6. Distraction. The human brain works in strange ways to the untrained person - I’m guessing you’ve never done any attention training techniques - so I’d recommend keeping yourself busy so that you don’t ruminate over things. With time, the intensity of your thoughts will lessen and lessen until you’ve completely healed.

Hope you’re ok x

I really appreciate this and will stimulate my brain more to utilize distraction

[Ba****]

1 hour ago, alpharetta976 said:

Read thru this apps forums section ARCH’s (new to bdsm beginners guide)is very detailed and informative about what to expect from a true bdsm relationship
If you have trouble finding his article let me know I’d be glad to help. Trust me it’s worth reading if your truly interested in this lifestyle I’m sure others here will agree

I look forward to reading it🫶🏼

[Ba****]

2 hours ago, MitchandhisMaid said:

I think you should approach this like you would with any issue that has a similar root cause.

Start questioning everything, do a lot of research, talk to others about their experiences. Find the truth first and foremost.

Once that is done you can find a way to heal. Whether through self-care, or aided by others, or through the use of a therapist. Most importantly, find a way to work through and digest those feelings of betrayal etc. that will swell up.

You may end up asking yourself all the whys. Why did he did do this, why did he say that, etc. remember that those questions are kind of secondary until you feel like you're back in control. Dont give somebody that manipulated you the benefit of the doubt. Even if it explains their actions, the consequences stand regardless.

This is why many women are so distrustful, and justifiably so (as you may now see yourself).

On the bright side, now you get to do some research and learn for yourself about yourself. Even if driven by a crappy reason!

I love this so much and I’m going to meditate on that in ritual later🫶🏼

[Ba****]

2 hours ago, PersphoneShade said:

Oh no, that is no good. Well first off it is not easy to heal. Take your time, make sure that you are okay. Once you are stable, make sure that you take the time to know what you want. Be picky, find someone that will help nurture and help you grow. And know that the sub is the one with the power. You give a Dom the power, not the other way around. -Shade

Thanks boo🥰 I’m working on my confidence! It takes time tho

[Ba****]

2 hours ago, denver725 said:

Can you/ are you okay with giving more details?

I can answer anything you need to ask.

[MasterDarcy1979]

Time.

Another import healing device is convincing yourself that what happened is a learning opportunity.

They say that "time heals all wounds", whilst that is very much the case, if the wound is deep it'll leave a scar.

You can take this time to read about positive things, such as success BDSM stories and you can learn from the experiences of others.

You know what is a great thing, though? You haven't let that negative experience make you want to exit this lifestyle. That is a brilliant thing. It means that you know fine well that the experience you had was the exception and not the rule.

 

[4R****]

3 hours ago, alpharetta976 said:

Read thru this apps forums section ARCH’s (new to bdsm beginners guide)is very detailed and informative about what to expect from a true bdsm relationship
If you have trouble finding his article let me know I’d be glad to help. Trust me it’s worth reading if your truly interested in this lifestyle I’m sure others here will agree

Aww that’s very nice of you to say. Here it is below to save you searching…

 

 

[4R****]

https://www.fetish.com/topic/33610-an-introduction-to-bdsm-arch-style/

 

[4R****]

I echo a lot of the advice that’s been given here already so I’m not going to repeat it.

One thing that @MasterDarcy1979 has said really resonates - You’ve stuck around and want to learn how to get past this rather than run away. that’s great!

We all get knocks from time to time and some of those can be a huge hit to our confidence (I know I’ve had a few over the years). But if you stick with it, it passes and you move on to bigger and better things.

You’re already displaying the traits of someone who’s destined for greatness. Keep going!

[Ericsbanana99]

I'm sorry to hear of your experience ,If you ask yourself a simple question about the past and can see the change in yourself.,Your heeling is already taking place .It will always be part of you ! Question the past never blame it .Experience makes you the person you are today ,you can choose who you are and which direction you go .
Take just 5 minutes everyday to do something that gets you giggling if you can do that your human

[Jo****]

Sorry to hear that. If you need it you should totally take a break. Talk about non-kinky topics. Explore other things. You'll heal soon, you'll see.

[Deleted Member]

Right, you want to google trauma bond, narcisistic ***, codependency, generational trauma, integrating shadow, the dark night healing journey. Fixing father inrojects. Basically the core issue is accepting the ***, meaning allowing it and being atracted to it. And you can fix it on your own, in therapy, or with support network like a good friend. Most cases simply jump to the next 3 guys and rotate them to raise self value in my exoerience. I hope it helps. Also no contact strategy by sam vaknin is a must towards the ***r

[4R****]

1 hour ago, cereal said:

Most cases simply jump to the next 3 guys and rotate them to raise self value in my exoerience.

Just to clarify, are you suggesting that she “use” men to heal herself???

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, 4RCH said:

Just to clarify, are you suggesting that she “use” men to heal herself???

Sir, usually in my experince women at described stage play the victim, which attracts saviors. However due to the emotional unaveilablity, combined with options they quickly become the agresor with triangulation, draining emotional investment to raise self worth. I had over 20 cases like this. Now my suggestion is to go to therapy and strongly recommend that as the best option. But not knowing details i mentioned all the realistic options. Now honorable mention, i did have a case that went no contact, allowed only one friend to support and ended up in a 11 years long relationship now. On the oposite of the spectrum i talked to a girl yesterday, 5 months interaction, guy didn't want a relationship, she ended up ons with 4 guys 2 exes in this period and ended up sleeping at the said guy tonight. Point is it is what it is, because responsability is hard to assume. Now i don't want to make asumptions, so this is the soectrum and anyone is free to chose on it based on options and self esteem. No judging. On the other hand i also know a guy who rotated 7 women at a point, not for kinky sex mind you but things like hanging out, cooking and cleaning.

[gr****]

I'm right there with you my ex ruined me