BDSM Population & Popularity

[Ro****]

It has been over a month now since I first joined FetLife; I came here as a result of a conversation I was having with a female friend and colleague, someone who I have known only a short while.
Most (if not all) of my friends and colleagues are aware of my role within the BDSM Community (it’s no secret).
I had been aware of this site for quite awhile though have never needed or desired to check it out.
A little background perhaps? In my profession as a PTSD Psychologist I am often faced with discovering the route cause of the trauma faced by the individual and to discover away in which to provide a path toward recovery. It wasn’t long before I realised, through research and general communication with others in my field just how much BDSM and treatment for PTSD coexist.
Unfortunately, there are those that still believe BDSM as nothing more than a disgusting form of sexual depravity.
Surprisingly, after using similar Protocols most cannot believe the level of respect and/or discipline required within a D/s dynamic.
Whether Dominant or submissive there are a set of unwritten guidelines we all follow (or most of us do) for a healthy and successful dynamic, there is also a clear form of etiquette.
The popularity of BDSM/Kink/Fetish has been on the increase since E L James first published volume one of the popular 50 Shades Trilogy back in 2011. But most of us from the old guard are aware of just how damaging it has been as bored housewives lapped it up thus propelling our community into yet another unexpected deluge of misunderstanding.
So I ask all of us here that have the years of experience to pass on our knowledge and try to educate our newcomers in the community to enable both enjoyment and above all safety whilst on their journey of learning and discovery.

[CopperKnob]

Possibly an unpopular opinion, E L James enabled a significant amount of people to open their eyes to different sexual activity/s, potentially creating more enjoyment for them either within their existing relationships or alone.
The old guard may be one way of practicing BDSM, it's not the only way. Let's let people live their lives how they wish to without being judgemental about how other kink.

[ey****]

One of the important things about kink communities as such is to understand the evolution.

While kink has a lot of history, a lot of what we know as kink, BDSM, D/s etc are all relatively new ideas.    The term BDSM is little over 30 years old and was coined as an umbrella term to bring together a lot of different ideas and dynamics.   That was part of the evolution.

The downside of this is that a lot of people hyperfocus on D/s when there's a lot more to BDSM in general.   

There has been a growing interest, or voyeurism, towards a lot of kink lifestyles and scenes in recent years.  50 Shades was part of that, but neither the start nor the end.   It's not something that really fuelled many new ideas, but it did cause a lot of people to open up about being 'kinky' or pique their own curiosities.

Education for people who come to websites like this, or come to their communities, etc. is... important... but it has to have the right balance.   So for example there are dangerous ways to flog someone, or assorted other ideas ("Oh, (s)he has to punish me, even though I'm not into it!") that need to be looked at - but it's also important not to preach "this is BDSM and this is how it's done" a difference between "this is what works for me" and "you have to do this" because there were a lot of ideas in the 90s around structure and protocol which... work for some people.  But are not the only way to safely enjoy kink or partake in the community.

I actually disagree that 50 Shades was overall damaging. Apart from to those who were "oh no, people are enjoying kink in a way different to how I do" - just as they enjoy kink in a way different to predecessors 

[ey****]

4 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Possibly an unpopular opinion, E L James enabled a significant amount of people to open their eyes to different sexual activity/s, potentially creating more enjoyment for them either within their existing relationships or alone.
The old guard may be one way of practicing BDSM, it's not the only way. Let's let people live their lives how they wish to without being judgemental about how other kink.

Absolutely.

I also find when people talk about 'Old Guard' it is a case, of - OK, do you mean "90s Protocol D/s" - or do you *actually* mean Old Guard?    And the two are quite different.  

[le****]

This isn't FetLife, that's a completely different community. This app is more accessible and as a result will also have more BS. Gotta adapt to modern times and not take it too much to heart.

[CopperKnob]

33 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Absolutely.

I also find when people talk about 'Old Guard' it is a case, of - OK, do you mean "90s Protocol D/s" - or do you *actually* mean Old Guard?    And the two are quite different.  

To be fair, I've no idea who or what the old guard are or do or where they fit into the spectrum of kink. But, the way those self describing as such come across, particularly online, appear to be rather pretentious suggesting that the old guard is the pinnacle of BDSM/kink, that it's the only way of being kinky and well, that puts me off just enough to not want to learn more.
It's nothing more than gatekeeping and whilst there are some things, from a societal perspective that shouldn't be accessible to everyone, kink is not one of those things.

[BigPolly]

This is an odd one and I cringe at myself because I must’ve started so many replies with ‘back when I was younger’ but I also think the internet has a lot to answer for (now I do sound old!) Because for us, the club scene bought together a true community, everyone knew everyone, you learnt things first hand & in person & the respect was off the scale.
50 shades (although I haven’t seen it) did actually allow people to step out for the first time & be openly honest about what they wanted rather than a vanilla lifestyle.
Like anything in life, this site itself was lovely at the beginning, it was a smaller community and we all knew eachother on here. The app came along and the policing of the site went downhill as it grew.
That’s the same for anything, it’s a double edged sword, people learnt from the accessibility but at the same time things become so accessible that people dont need to learn
The old school rules for BDSM are not longer as present, people want to learn their own way rather than the true respectful way and that’s ok but it is a shame.
I do wish we could get the community back to how it was but that’s not reality. Like you say we can only pass on our knowledge, some will take it on board and keep the community safe and respectful.

(I do like to think that I fall into the category of a disgusting form of sexual depravity though 😂😂)

[ey****]

24 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

To be fair, I've no idea who or what the old guard are or do or where they fit into the spectrum of kink. But, the way those self describing as such come across, particularly online, appear to be rather pretentious suggesting that the old guard is the pinnacle of BDSM/kink, that it's the only way of being kinky and well, that puts me off just enough to not want to learn more.
It's nothing more than gatekeeping and whilst there are some things, from a societal perspective that shouldn't be accessible to everyone, kink is not one of those things.

It's difficult to keep my waffle short - but really, I don't disagree with anything you've said.

I guess one thing is that community evolves based on both outside threats, opportunities, etc. The early kink communities were mostly formed/founded by ex-military (hence a lot of the rank and protocol) gay men (at a time when it wasn't a good time to be gay - hence a lot of the secrecy and protection etc) and then as both laws and societal attitudes changed, club culture came in, the internet, munches (as in openly advertised - not a sneaky social), etc it opened a lot up.

And some people like this.

And for some it means there's a mixture of ideas and it sometimes goes against their idea of what kink *should* be.   A bit "the good old days when men were Doms and subs did what they were told" rather than a bit.... not everything even has to be D/s 

[DarkArts1066]

There is a phrase which I have heard… “progress trumps experience”.
I do not actually agree with this phrase per se, but you can’t stop - or change the march of progress, so it is what it is.

I would potentially consider myself part of the ‘old guard’ which the OP mentions. I was born in the 1960’s, and have many personal values which some would consider old fashioned. I have respect for others, and I respect myself. I value the opinions of others, am considerate of other peoples feelings, and I try to be the best person that I can be.
No - that doesn’t mean “living my best life”.

Society loves to label.

We have to pigeonhole everyone and everything to make life easier to understand - when in actual fact, all we really need to do is let people be who they want to be.
And as long as that behaviour includes some basic human respect and kindness toward others, I am fully onboard with that.

Humans love to over complicate situations.
We think, rethink, overthink, and then crash and burn. A kind of organic “control-alt-delete”. (One for the 80’s computer nerds amongst us😉)

I, myself have CPSTD - not something I usually divulge to the masses.

I too have found that BDSM and PTSD have similar coefficients at times.

I also have several qualifications in counselling, mentoring and psychology -with criminology, which I believe (without ego) gives me an overarching view of BDSM and Kink - both of which I was interested in before I was diagnosed in the mid 1990’s.

Whilst I ‘might’ be one of the ‘Old Guard’ the values which I personally hold precious, translate across the decades, and I see those same values in the majority of the younger generations that I converse with (thank whichever deity or belief system you adhere to..)

There is hope for us all.
Those in the ‘New Guard’ will become the Old Guard one day… as long as we all remember that kindness and respect are, ultimately, the most important human traits.

So, Old Guard, or New Guard….
It’s just another label.

[Ro****]

I have enjoyed reading all the comments to this thread, it has served it’s very purpose and lead to discussion.
My intention was not to sound pretentious far from it, as stated by many progress is healthy and I welcome and embrace it, yet with progress we seem to lose certain core values, I’m sure many have witnessed this over the years.
As for the term BDSM being a little over 30 years old, it was first officially used as an acronym as early as 1969 to encompass Bondage & Discipline and the ever growing popularity of Sadism & Masochism as mentioned in 1855 by German psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebings publication Psychopathia Sexualis
Transgressive sexual behaviour in the broad sense is as old as humanity.
That having been said, it is the evolutionary aspect of BDSM and it’s growing popularity that seems to bring it’s own problems of which I was attempting to highlight.
Obviously this is only a singular opinion, but for understanding the History and changes through grow of BDSM is a wonderful path in comprehending how these carefully crafted BDSM and BDSM-Like practices have played a part in the very development of Civilization itself.

[yu****]

“My co workers are well aware of my roll in the bdsm community” I can already you tell everyone about your kinks without them asking , the worst

[ey****]

1 hour ago, RogueRunner1 said:

That having been said, it is the evolutionary aspect of BDSM and it’s growing popularity that seems to bring it’s own problems of which I was attempting to highlight.

I think the thing with time is balancing the problems alongside the opportunities and benefits.

I reckon (this is a bit of an educated statement also) if I went knocking on venue doors in the cities near me and said that I wanted to host a fetish party; more would say yes than would have 20 years ago.  More again would agree to workshops or discussion groups.

Kink markets is slightly more grey - depends on locality and councils.

There was a time a lot of sex shops were in second hand book shops because then they could argue they were a book shop that happened to sell sex toys - and were looked at with a kinda distain, and often in less desirable areas.  Now, well, a sex shop has just opened on one of our main streets and they feel their biggest threat isn't public perception but the availability of items on the internet.

For those who make their own toys, or leatherwares, or so on there is an increased market to sell to.   We can go to a fetish club without worry it'll be raided.  And in larger communities we can still arrange our own private/unlisted events with enough people we can invite.

And for those seeking partners - it's more acceptable to put things like "I am into BDSM" on even a vanilla dating site and more sites like this exist which are a far improvement on some of the sites of 20 years ago.

Sometimes, I get envious about how much information is now freely available to those coming into the community or wishing to experiment with kink compared to 20 years ago.

Of course, I would be being dishonest if I said things were all rosey - but problems like people turning up who don't understand kink is not a new thing.  The slightly less savoury people is not a new thing.  But the way to get information out and available is certainly easier.

[CopperKnob]

I'm going to relate the "problems" in this post a very vanilla hobby I have (I mean we tell people we're going dogging and we laugh and laugh but it's as vanilla as they come)
.
Anyway, every March Crufts is on the telly and every March/April there is an influx of people on the social media groups wanting to compete with their dogs in agility, they call wanting lessons. They ask if my dog ls are a good breed to have. They turn up to a couple of training sessions and, come April or May once the weather turns nice (hopefully) you never see them again.
And there are people in the social media groups who are patient and explain, all the ground work needed before you get to jump a dog over a bar or run a dog through a tunnel. And there are the people that will be dismissive and a little mean. And then there are the people who'll see it for what it is and leave them be.
.
It's kinda like gyms in January.
.
And the point of this is, this isn't a BDSM "issue". It's normal life. Humans seek connection and occupation (mostly) and it's completely natural for us to explore new things/have new experiences.
.
And you know, the forums here are a pit of knowledge (some oddness from time to time) with several main players offering advice and guidance to those that ask for it. That is progress because we were all new once

[BigPolly]

I just find the whole ‘lack of respect’  frightening. People feel it’s ok to diss other peoples kinks or peoples way of playing. Folk think it’s ok to overlook discussions & understand limits. I know it’s ‘old school’ but this never used to be the case as we were in the minority & the community had to stick together.

More & more folk are expressing themselves now which is a good thing but kink seems more of an individual or general thing now rather than a BDSM community. There’s nothing wrong with individuality & no one has to follow any rules but it seems to almost bring an air of conceitedness with it.

 

Edited August 12, 2023 by BigPolly

[BigPolly]

I also don’t think this site has helped. Again at the beginning it had a community style feel with strict guidelines on pics. Now every other pic being posted is of someone’s d**k! To me, whopping your knob out for the world to see isn’t respectful, it doesn’t adhere to what we are as a community. It just sells the site as being trash and just a general ‘free for all’ (in my opinion). It’s not kinky or sexy to look down the news feed & see everyone’s todger, it’s not teaching the younger community about rules & respect…. Quite the opposite. 
The ‘don’t DM me d**k pics’ thread comes up all the time yet the site allows them there for all to see?!

Same with the video feature, it’s just a general wank bank. 

wow this post has really set me off on one 😂

[ey****]

3 hours ago, BigPolly said:

I also don’t think this site has helped. Again at the beginning it had a community style feel with strict guidelines on pics

so, ugh... I certainly don't get the same enjoyment I got from the site a few years ago.  I feel there was a lot more community when it was smaller but, of course, it needed growth.  I feel the app accelerated the growth but with a lot of the wrong people and - this is less of an issue in some community spaces, but yep.

And while there are a few folk who've been here a while - we (a royal we!) often get shunned a bit by folk who accuse of it being a clique or trying to control the site or whatever BS - and there's this weird irony between me being against gatekeeping - but I guess too much of an influx is often more difficult to deal with.  And while some of these get quickly bored and leave, it feels so constant as the next wave sign up :/

I guess though, there's good blog posts, there's good magazine articles, etc. the info is there.   But, can't make folk drink.

Incidentally - d**k pic sending is against site rules - if you do get one, hit report 

[BigPolly]

7 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

so, ugh... I certainly don't get the same enjoyment I got from the site a few years ago.  I feel there was a lot more community when it was smaller but, of course, it needed growth.  I feel the app accelerated the growth but with a lot of the wrong people and - this is less of an issue in some community spaces, but yep.

And while there are a few folk who've been here a while - we (a royal we!) often get shunned a bit by folk who accuse of it being a clique or trying to control the site or whatever BS - and there's this weird irony between me being against gatekeeping - but I guess too much of an influx is often more difficult to deal with.  And while some of these get quickly bored and leave, it feels so constant as the next wave sign up :/

I guess though, there's good blog posts, there's good magazine articles, etc. the info is there.   But, can't make folk drink.

Incidentally - d**k pic sending is against site rules - if you do get one, hit report 

Everything has a Start, A Middle and An End. I do feel this site will eventually burn itself out but we are still in ‘the middle’ and had it not been for ‘the start’ we wouldn’t have all got to know eachother 😊

Are we a clique? Possibly but we’re also a group of several hundred who just got to know eachother on here & followed the same rules & got the opportunity to class eachother as a community. And honestly, I truly believe we had the best of the site before it went nuts. I used to be on here everyday at the start but I just drop in and out now. I still love parts of it like the forum (& this post), I still pick up knowledge from it, I’m still picking up friends from it & I met my partner on here. I guess we just have to filter through a lot more crap now to get to the good stuff & the likes of you & I won’t stop giving our opinion thankfully 😊

[Aa****]

There are many many fakes here. The second biggest male club, is that of the morons, including those that think they are Doms and God’s gift to subs.

True submission, is the ultimate gift that a Dominant can ever receive. His responsibilities surrounding that gift are sacred and definitive, he must not fail his Submissive.