Deleted Member Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Not sure if this is the right place for this... but seeking advice. So.. I was single for almost 5 years.. as in no serious relationships. During this time, my sexual appetite increased exponentially and I discovered that I am very much submissive and intrigued by the world of BDSM. For a few months now, I have been in a relationship with a really great guy. However, the sexual aspects of our relationship are seriously lacking. He claims to not have a high sex drive and he has problems getting and sustaining an erection, which makes me feel like he's not physically attracted to me.. even though he says that's not the problem. Regardless, we are not having sex nearly enough to satisfy my sexual appetite. And when we do, it's usually a disappointment. This is purely vanilla sex btw.. I'm craving domination and sex at least once a day, but this relationship is not giving me that. I've told my boyfriend what I need, but nothing has changed in months. I really like this guy.. And I thought that he could be the one, but how can I satisfy my sexual desires and explore BDSM with someone who barely initiates vanilla sex with me? I feel rejected and unattractive because he rarely wants sex, and when he does initiate, he either can't stay hard or he doesn't cum. I've never had this issue with a man.. And I'm afraid it will result in the end of this relationship. I want to expand my sexual experience and experiment with various kinks, but so far my current relationship can't even sustain the most basic of sex acts. So, question: what would you do?
ey**** Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 Obviously the first and most important factor is that whatever you do; things can't stay the same. So, first off - is there a medical reason why he's having problems - in which case he needs to seek medical help. That, in turn, might help some of the problems. But, even then - it's probably not going to give you the Domination you also wish. So, there's then two other choices. One - you tell him what you're into and that you'd like seek someone out to Dominate you; there are others like you who do the same/similar you can set boundaries together - I would say he gets the added plus of you coming home in a super good mood, but that's not really of benefit if he doesn't sort his other problems. Two - you end the relationship. Because it's not fair on either of you to continue in a relationship you're unhappy in and the hope one day things will magically improve, well, they won't. - I wouldn't advise infidelity, because that achieves and solves nothing really.
Wo**** Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I really feel for you both. It's a tough situation to be in. I agree with what eyemblacksheep posted. Talk to him. Tell him you really like him but that kink is necessary in your life. Discuss options. I'd not advise infidelity either, been there done that, it's not great.
Ba**** Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 If hes too embarrassed to seek a doctors advice you can buy medication online just answer some questions honestly and providing it doesnt raise any red flags posted discreetly. See if it makes a difference wont solve everything but it's a trick in one box so to speak
3S**** Posted July 19, 2019 Posted July 19, 2019 I went through similar with my fella. I stayed with him because overall i was happy about being with him and figured we could work on this. It's not been easy, i have a high sex drive and he has none as well as (or more because of his) ED. We've been the GP together and nothing helped there. We've tried different sexual stuff as well but tbh it added pressure to him rather than helped. So i backed off sexually and affectionately, he seemed happier with that and we continued to ignore the sexual problems. Eventually i cheated on him, i notice nobody here recommends that but i told him about it and it's actually pushed my fella into realising we really need to sort this out. He's a lot more affectionate now and i'm happier with that. We talk a lot anyway so that helps, and we both listen which helps even more. I'd say it's easier for me to deal with because he is naturally submissive and open to suggestions as well as not expecting to take the lead so again the pressure is off him. Dunno what to do in your situation, i can think of a few suggestions that may or may not help. Got to realise that this is who he is and he may not be able to change for you, will you be ok wih this for the rest of your time together? There are things you can do to sort this out possibly but they'll take time and effort and may even fail, is he worth it? Also maybe try to work out why sex is so important to you to feel wanted or attractive? I think this will help too.
Deleted Member Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 Opposites attract, would be my first response, but in the spirit of trying to sustain a relationship I personally would suggest that you sit down and talk about this with him. From there, I personally would offer the idea of submitting to each other, alternatingly, to give both sides of the coin a try. It might be that switching from time to time is enjoyable, or at least a sufficient compromise.
Deleted Member Posted July 19, 2019 Author Posted July 19, 2019 There was a term I once heard many years ago when I first got into the BDSM scene, Submitting from the top. I'm kinda in the same position as your BF, except that I do have a very high sex drive, but my sex parts are dead, long story not meant to share here in this. A lady I knew and got quite close to was very submissive, way more than I was, and she wanted sex a lot, and a friend of ours told us about a toy called the feeldoe (Google it) So she would take the top position, but I had her wear a collar and leash and would use it to demand she did stuff to me in a sexual way while she was on top, and I would set out punishments if she couldn't make certain things happen within the role play. So by being on top she got the sex part, but by setting up tasks that were impossible for her to achieve, she knew then she would get dominated for failing, plus being commanded while having the sex, and because the domination part was not sexual for me, I was sort of able to get my mind around the concept of it all, though by nature I'm totally submissive, but mine is purely a sexual submission, not a lifestyle one, so we was able to find a compromise around it all. So maybe you and your BF can try work out what kind of D/s you both have if any and what you both really want or willing to try and see if you can both work something out that fits both your situations. But don't cheat on him, if at end of the day you feel there is no hope of a compromise, sit him down, say I love you but I need way more than you can give, so I'm going to have to break up, as I didn't want to cheat and break your heart as you deserve way more than that. Hope that helps.
Fe**** Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 Does he take medication that hinders his arousal? I was once on anxiety medicine hindered my performance. When I did get aroused, I couldn’t cum as it was a side effect. Also he may need his testosterone checked. Both those are my simple solutions to his problem. Perhaps he’s not getting aroused because he himself has a kink that he’s not telling you about. Either way, if he has this problem and isn’t willing to open up or seek help about it plus your not getting satisfied, then the relationship just won’t work out.
JamesMichael Posted November 29, 2019 Posted November 29, 2019 Definitely seek professional help, and once you get it, set yourself a time frame that you will wait and see if things can get on the right track for you, and if they don't at the end of that time span, make a decision, and decide on whether you will continue to always accept what you've been getting, or move on to somebody else that can make you happy. Just don't waste time, as that is something we can't get back - I know, as I've wasted time in my life on situations that I thought would change but they did not.
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