Gatekeeping vs Fake Kinksters

[gi****]

On 9/29/2023 at 6:22 PM, DenverKitten said:

I was reading an article about cultural relativism. Which is the belief we can’t judge the moral code of other cultures based on our own. The author believes, however, there has to be some line that humanity says “not okay” regardless of culture to promote positive change. Now I’m wondering how this idea relates to kink. Don’t yuck others yum, but are there universal “not okay” lines?? If so what are they?

So I would propose “informed consent” as a value, with nonconsensual acts (such as deceit, taking advantage of someone’s lack of understanding, or use of ***) as the not okay line.  I’m certain this comes as no surprise based on my other responses.

[ey****]

using terms like "fake" and "true" etc etc is always gatekeeping

especially as.... there's no such thing as "true BDSM" / "True Dom" / "True sub" / etc

they don't exist 

[subbie00]

Please enlighten me. I have no clue what is meant by the term "gatekeeping"? 

[gi****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

using terms like "fake" and "true" etc etc is always gatekeeping

especially as.... there's no such thing as "true BDSM" / "True Dom" / "True sub" / etc

they don't exist 

I absolutely agree that using fake or true is gatekeeping.

[gi****]

According to Urban Dictionary, gatekeeping is defined as, "when someone takes it upon themselves to decide who does or does not have access or rights to a community or identity". Essentially, gatekeeping is an ongoing practice that a hierarchy of power within the community and further excludes others. This is from Acenda Health.

[gi****]

"There is a difference between people who actually warn against actual bad people in the lifestyle and the gate keepers I'm taking about. These gatekeepers think anyone that doesn't practice or speak BDSM like them is fake and wrong." (Lena Bailey)

[Mi****]

2 hours ago, subbie00 said:

Please enlighten me. I have no clue what is meant by the term "gatekeeping"? 

I like this definition from gentlebdsm* : “Gatekeeping is defined as taking it upon yourself to subjectively decide and en*** what should be allowed or not in this community and context. It is a form of censorship based on nothing but personal preference. Trying to shut down someone's kink because "it is not BDSM", "it is too vanilla" or "it is not gentle" are examples of gatekeeping. “

Edited October 2, 2023 by FETMOD-TF
*External link removed

[gi****]

So, when I'm talking about "yucking someone's yum" I'm talking about gatekeeping that defines what is and is not BDSM. Warning or calling out toxic behavior is different to me. There is a fine line I'm certain, but an important distinction.

[subbie00]

1 hour ago, MinnesotaMinx said:

I like this definition from gentlebdsm* : “Gatekeeping is defined as taking it upon yourself to subjectively decide and en*** what should be allowed or not in this community and context. It is a form of censorship based on nothing but personal preference. Trying to shut down someone's kink because "it is not BDSM", "it is too vanilla" or "it is not gentle" are examples of gatekeeping. “

thank you for this.   most helpful..

[subbie00]

14 minutes ago, giraut said:

So, when I'm talking about "yucking someone's yum" I'm talking about gatekeeping that defines what is and is not BDSM. Warning or calling out toxic behavior is different to me. There is a fine line I'm certain, but an important distinction.

thank you for this. most helpful. :)

[De****]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

using terms like "fake" and "true" etc etc is always gatekeeping

especially as.... there's no such thing as "true BDSM" / "True Dom" / "True sub" / etc

they don't exist 

Valid. So maybe the “way” we show the criticism is more important then what we are criticizing?

[De****]

3 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

using terms like "fake" and "true" etc etc is always gatekeeping

especially as.... there's no such thing as "true BDSM" / "True Dom" / "True sub" / etc

they don't exist 

I will, however, use the term fake Dom for any self called Dom that does not get consent from the other parties or ignores revoked consent and safe words. To me, that’s *** being hidden by bdsm terminology. This is possibly because I have been ***d, but I do think that’s unacceptable behavior.

[ey****]

5 hours ago, DenverKitten said:

I will, however, use the term fake Dom for any self called Dom that does not get consent from the other parties or ignores revoked consent and safe words. To me, that’s *** being hidden by bdsm terminology. This is possibly because I have been ***d, but I do think that’s unacceptable behavior.

so, I wouldn't even give them 'fake' as something to hide behind - it is *** plain and simple.   

I think one of the issues, for example, people use 'fake Dom' as like you say, for someone who hides their *** behind BDSM.  But then people also use 'fake Dom' for a lot of people who are just naive, learning, developing - or - in some cases, their style of Domination differs to someone else's (i.e. "they say they're a Dominant but I know they switch with their partner")  so it's a bit unfair to use the same word for an ***r as it is for someone who is, well, not - and if nothing else it often dilutes the severity of the ***.  Because if you liken someone who deliberately ignored a safeword to someone who made a mistake when learning to cane, it makes it sound like the person who ignored the safeword is also just someone who made a mistake or learning.

Fake can be a let off.  

[ol****]

if you accept that kink is a very broad spectrum then the boundary of where vanilla ends and where kink begins is pretty blurry. Those who insist they are the guardians of what is truely kink cannot therefore be right. 

You only need to look around this site and the broad range of kinks to understand this. Couple that with the fact that this site is not comprehensive, despite being a great ressource for people trying to understand their kink and the answer becomes self evident.