expanding my horizons

[imgoingplacess]

Hello all.  I write to you today in the hopes of expanding my knowledge and technical skills

With age and maturity i have progressed as a Dom,  for many years,  my interests were initially limited to the bedroom,  but i am becoming more and more curious about expanding beyond that,  my goal here with this account is to learn some more techniques to expand knowledge,  which i believe will lead to more respect,  obedience and more fulfilling relationships with subs.

 

TO give you some background,  i have been using dating apps to attract subs for many years,  my approach is often aggressive,  demanding submission early on without establishing much of a rapport,  rules, restrictions or any real structure,  these methods,  while they do give me immediate satisfaction , are attracting the wrong types of women.  As i begin to transition to a more mature approach and ultimately a more healthy and respectful way to start a meaningful bond,  i struggle with some areas as i am switching my style completely.     

Some areas that i need help with are:

 

Rules - what rules are good to start with? and what is the best time to implement them? 

 

Punishment  - What is the proper way to punish a sub? and what types of infractions do you punish for ? 

 

I am curious about any formal strcuture other doms may have,  and whether you have strict guidelines or a process you may use ,  for example ,  date first , discuss limits, then talk about this , or that 

 

 

Curious to get some replies and hear some feedback

 

thanks

 

Dominant Daddy

[ey****]

1 hour ago, imgoingplacess said:

Hello all.  I write to you today in the hopes of expanding my knowledge and technical skills

It's always good to learn and progress

1 hour ago, imgoingplacess said:

these methods,  while they do give me immediate satisfaction , are attracting the wrong types of women

that doesn't come as a massive surprise.

1 hour ago, imgoingplacess said:

Rules - what rules are good to start with? and what is the best time to implement them? 

I feel it's important to have a degree of flexibility.

You do not treat all subs the same because all subs are not the same.  They all have different backgrounds, different needs, different likes and different dislikes.

It may be of benefit to consider potentially some of the kind of rules you may wish to insist on - this would rule out some prospective subs but then those who it would rule out wouldn't fit your expectations anyway.

But, as I say - it's important to be flexible.

1 hour ago, imgoingplacess said:

Punishment  - What is the proper way to punish a sub? and what types of infractions do you punish for ? 

I do find it interesting how many Dominants rush straight for the punishment and it's almost as if there is a relish of the chance to punish someone under the guise of BDSM - this is something that there should be caution on how you come over.

For me, any form of 'play' - the best activities are ones which are mutually enjoyable - that might be, for example, that one person loves spanking and the other loves being spanked.  Or it might be that one person loves spanking and the other loves to spend time with the Dominant doing what they enjoy even if spanking isn't for them (but in that case, there still has to be reasons why the sub wants to be with that Dominant) 

Punishments I think are very specific to the relationship - and whether this is a relationship which involves a little bratting or "playing to be punished" and agreed boundaries around that - or whether there are agreed rules and structures and agreed punishments for falling outside of this.

If there is an agreed punishment structure then there are things that are important : 1) the punishment must be proportionate to what is done. 2) if it's outside of playing-to-be-punished it makes no sense to do something the person will enjoy.   Whether it is, for example, using a least favourite toy, withholding rewards or favourite things, or mutually agreed things that constitute as punishments.

But, basically, you can't beat someone silly because they were late with dinner and call it BDSM if it's not a consensual agreed dynamic.  BDSM cannot be used to mask ***.

[Ar****]

I don't think I could ever "demand" submission from the get-go, although that may just relate to the types of D/s relationships which attract me. Communication and rapport are important to me - if we haven't got those then it ain't gonna work so I'm not going to waste my time. But if after a little while chatting we are getting along and something more seems practical and desirable, then it can be spoken about. That foundation is going to help foster a mutual respect. In any experience I have ever had before, a sub has always chosen to give herself to me. I prefer it that way. It would feel off, ***d, less sincere if i just came in and started giving orders. I want the honesty, the commitment, the choice of submission without asking for it, then once I take that person as my sub they are my responsibility. I expect 100% dedication and devotion, but I expect it to be given freely.

 

I don't use many regular formal rules, you have to find out what works for each relationship. The simplest one I instill immediately is to always behave respectfully towards me. It is a broad rule which encompasses plenty and allows for interpretation as required whilst not being too complex or large a list to remember. Sometimes I'll lay down a temporary rule as a punishment if needs be. But as @eyemblacksheep says, you really need to be flexible here. His advice is excellent on all fronts.

 

You have to gauge yourself what type of "infraction" you want to punish for. Are you a Dom who lets absolutely nothing slide, or are you kind, caring, rewarding, and forgiving? I'm a little concerned that you may be overthinking, bothered too much about formality and what you need to be doing to get things "right". If you are spending your intimate sessions worrying about lists of various minutiae you are trying not to get wrong, then you risk presenting as less confident and neither of you enjoying your time as well as you otherwise might. Relax more, and try to remember that you are the one making the rules and decisions here (within the boundaries of what has previously been discussed and agreed upon, of course). I would suggest, however, balancing the punishments between those they enjoy and those they don't, depending on the circumstances. For example, if a bratty sub is pushing me on purpose because she wants me to "snap" and treat her especially roughly then most of the time I'll probably play along, restrain and ***/punish her, and we would both enjoy it. If I didn't have the patience that night and was feeling moody, I might punish her testing me by restraining her then NOT giving her what I knew she wanted instead. Or another example, in one relationship which just existed online my sub felt we were sometimes too familiar when we were not playing, and that it made it hard to always remember that I was her Dom too and not just a friend. So, not as a punishment but as a training exercise to help her remember that I was always in control even when we weren't at play, I put her on an orgasm ban for three days and had her send me videos of her stimulating herself each day. She thanked me for the reminder and never forgot again.

[Wo****]

Until joining this site my experience of Dominants was from general chatrooms. I was lucky to find a genuine guy who i explored bondage, whipping and submission but i came across a lot of Dominants like the OP describes. The demanding, arrogant, power hungry ones. I would often just kinda "go along" with them as i didnt know better and im new to this.

I am a natural submissive so if someone told me to do something my instinct was, and is, to obey.

Since meeting my Dom here, and seeing how others present themselves ive learnt that a good D/s relationship requires building. Instant submission does happen but part of the fun is that journey you undertake together.

[imgoingplacess]

Thank you guys very much for your input,  I have been putting some new methods into practice and I already feel much more fulfilled as a Dom.   I can see how each person would require a unique approach as well 

 

[imgoingplacess]

On 8/6/2019 at 7:39 PM, Aranhis said:

I don't think I could ever "demand" submission from the get-go, although that may just relate to the types of D/s relationships which attract me. Communication and rapport are important to me - if we haven't got those then it ain't gonna work so I'm not going to waste my time. But if after a little while chatting we are getting along and something more seems practical and desirable, then it can be spoken about. That foundation is going to help foster a mutual respect. In any experience I have ever had before, a sub has always chosen to give herself to me. I prefer it that way. It would feel off, ***d, less sincere if i just came in and started giving orders. I want the honesty, the commitment, the choice of submission without asking for it, then once I take that person as my sub they are my responsibility. I expect 100% dedication and devotion, but I expect it to be given freely.

 

I don't use many regular formal rules, you have to find out what works for each relationship. The simplest one I instill immediately is to always behave respectfully towards me. It is a broad rule which encompasses plenty and allows for interpretation as required whilst not being too complex or large a list to remember. Sometimes I'll lay down a temporary rule as a punishment if needs be. But as @eyemblacksheep says, you really need to be flexible here. His advice is excellent on all fronts.

 

You have to gauge yourself what type of "infraction" you want to punish for. Are you a Dom who lets absolutely nothing slide, or are you kind, caring, rewarding, and forgiving? I'm a little concerned that you may be overthinking, bothered too much about formality and what you need to be doing to get things "right". If you are spending your intimate sessions worrying about lists of various minutiae you are trying not to get wrong, then you risk presenting as less confident and neither of you enjoying your time as well as you otherwise might. Relax more, and try to remember that you are the one making the rules and decisions here (within the boundaries of what has previously been discussed and agreed upon, of course). I would suggest, however, balancing the punishments between those they enjoy and those they don't, depending on the circumstances. For example, if a bratty sub is pushing me on purpose because she wants me to "snap" and treat her especially roughly then most of the time I'll probably play along, restrain and ***/punish her, and we would both enjoy it. If I didn't have the patience that night and was feeling moody, I might punish her testing me by restraining her then NOT giving her what I knew she wanted instead. Or another example, in one relationship which just existed online my sub felt we were sometimes too familiar when we were not playing, and that it made it hard to always remember that I was her Dom too and not just a friend. So, not as a punishment but as a training exercise to help her remember that I was always in control even when we weren't at play, I put her on an orgasm ban for three days and had her send me videos of her stimulating herself each day. She thanked me for the reminder and never forgot again.

Very insightful ,  your approach seems truly healthy and I can see what I need to strive for 

[imgoingplacess]

On 8/7/2019 at 3:53 AM, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Until joining this site my experience of Dominants was from general chatrooms. I was lucky to find a genuine guy who i explored bondage, whipping and submission but i came across a lot of Dominants like the OP describes. The demanding, arrogant, power hungry ones. I would often just kinda "go along" with them as i didnt know better and im new to this.

I am a natural submissive so if someone told me to do something my instinct was, and is, to obey.

Since meeting my Dom here, and seeing how others present themselves ive learnt that a good D/s relationship requires building. Instant submission does happen but part of the fun is that journey you undertake together.

Nice to hear the female prospective as well, thanks 

[imgoingplacess]

On 8/6/2019 at 5:47 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

It's always good to learn and progress

that doesn't come as a massive surprise.

I feel it's important to have a degree of flexibility.

You do not treat all subs the same because all subs are not the same.  They all have different backgrounds, different needs, different likes and different dislikes.

It may be of benefit to consider potentially some of the kind of rules you may wish to insist on - this would rule out some prospective subs but then those who it would rule out wouldn't fit your expectations anyway.

But, as I say - it's important to be flexible.

I do find it interesting how many Dominants rush straight for the punishment and it's almost as if there is a relish of the chance to punish someone under the guise of BDSM - this is something that there should be caution on how you come over.

For me, any form of 'play' - the best activities are ones which are mutually enjoyable - that might be, for example, that one person loves spanking and the other loves being spanked.  Or it might be that one person loves spanking and the other loves to spend time with the Dominant doing what they enjoy even if spanking isn't for them (but in that case, there still has to be reasons why the sub wants to be with that Dominant) 

Punishments I think are very specific to the relationship - and whether this is a relationship which involves a little bratting or "playing to be punished" and agreed boundaries around that - or whether there are agreed rules and structures and agreed punishments for falling outside of this.

If there is an agreed punishment structure then there are things that are important : 1) the punishment must be proportionate to what is done. 2) if it's outside of playing-to-be-punished it makes no sense to do something the person will enjoy.   Whether it is, for example, using a least favourite toy, withholding rewards or favourite things, or mutually agreed things that constitute as punishments.

But, basically, you can't beat someone silly because they were late with dinner and call it BDSM if it's not a consensual agreed dynamic.  BDSM cannot be used to mask ***.

thank you,  I can see you have a good sense of what’s important within this type of dynamic,  but I do not relish the act of punishment,   In fact, I’ve put it off for a while. The truth is, I felt it necessary to evolve to become more serious and I looked at punishment and rules as a way to be taken more seriously and what I’m finding is that assumption was 100% correct. I’m definitely curious to explore that further but like you said, it must be done in a healthy organic and creative way that caters to each person individually

[Wo****]

Punishments...

There are so many ways of dishing out "punishment"

Some of mine if i trangress..

Time added on to a countdown if i say please

Being edged and denied orgasm if i swear at my Dom

Denial for up to several days for being bratty, challenging my Dom.

 

All of these are just so perfectly, deliciously, tortorous for me so are ideal as punishment.

 

I think, ultimately, it all depends on the dynamic and the individuals.

[ey****]

when I was with my Mistress - we had just one agreed punishment and it was actually withholding something I liked.   

We did once did a ballbusting clip which was supposed to be punishment for something I'd done (cumming without permission) but later she said she hated that clip because I didn't like it - and that in ways, I cum without permission because I didn't know it was a rule.