What should I do?

[Deleted Member]

Hey 👋 just a quick little question so…

I’m VERY open minded and wanting to get into a lot more things and try to gain new experiences because I feel like this is a whole side of life we are supposed to connect with and enjoy…

My issue is my wife is not she is very closed minded and not open to trying new things at all and she doesn’t even enjoy sex it’s like a chore for her that we do maybe 6x a year and it never was that way but over time I got more into it and she has gotten way farther away…

She is an absolutely amazing person I love her and literally everything else in our lives are perfect just this sex part and I’ve tried telling her it’s important but to her it’s not at all it’s like a nonchalant thing for her

So idk am I a bad person for wanting more?

Am I a bad person for not wanting to hurt her and just try to do this on the side?

I just feel so guilty sometimes but I also hate knowing that I’ll miss out on this side of life if I don’t go experience it

I don’t want to leave or hurt her but I also want to live these experiences….

So what should I do?

[Deleted Member]

It’s something you’ll have to discuss and figure out together, but don’t go behind her back; respect her enough to not cheat. Go to therapy together. If this is how your relationship is going to be and it isn’t something that will change, you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

[Or****]

Go to couples counseling. Or ask her why she isn't into it. Everyone has a different love language. For men, it's more sexual because that's when we feel loved. She has something missing in her life that's not meeting her love language. Once you can figure that out and the root of her issue, things might start changing. Also maybe go to the doctor together. But doing this on the side without her knowledge is gonna hurt her in the long run when she finds out, and then things will be 10 times harder. Marriage and this lifestyle are all about honesty, respect, and trust.

[Ba****]

Have you tried to discuss the reason behind why it’s not a priority for her? I’ve never been married or anything. So I do not mean any of this in a judge mental tone at all. But I mean it’s worth talking about more. If you truly love her and want to be with her. Is lying the best way to have a fulfilling and happy relationship? Again, I’ve never been in your situation but just food for thought. No judgement

[ca****]

This is why people need to live their lives at its fullest when they are young. Unless you are young right now talking about 35 and below. Then jump ship, you can find someone else lol. If not, then it’s kind of your fault for not exploring in those younger years to get those kinks out so to speak. Though my two cents is always be honest because it may lead you to a different direction you never expected. And expressing to her your needs or if she is interested in letting you have an alternative(meaning another partner). You can also ask her directly why her sex drive is at an all time low. Could be you that’s the problem. Or missing something. Anyways hope this helps and whatever choice you make I stand behind it. Good luck ✊🏽

[Sh****]

Communication is key. Both in a marriage, and in this lifestyle. You need to be able to express yourself and your needs. You should talk to your wife and explain how you feel. You said everything else was perfect. So I assume you two communicate well. Start there. Unless she is OK with you playing on the side, I'd say don't do it. If you do, it will most definitely hurt her. Be safe and good luck. I wish you the best.

[He****]

First of all your not a bad person for wanting more. We can’t control our desires. Honestly, you and your partner should look into couples counselling, specifically with a sex therapist. I think that will give you guys the best result. You said you’ve told her your sexual relationship is important but make sure your partner knows exactly how you feel about you sex life. It’s also important to respect what kind of sexual relationship your parter feels comfortable with. I’d also recommend diving into why exactly she feels uncomfortable with sex.

[J1****]

I can’t tell you what to do I can only tell you my situation I was in a marriage, the same as yours and I stayed for 15 years. I did everything under the sun to get us on the same page sexually seem the more drive and desire I had the less that she had, in the end, I ended up cheating on her, and when it came out, it almost destroyed our family we are divorced now to be honest I should’ve left a long time sooner, but I tried to do what was best and what was right at the end of the day Life is short and you have to do what’s best for you i’m in  relationship now with a wonderful woman that we match sexual it was a long road and it is hard, but there is hope

[ge****]

Communication is key, you need to talk to her, and not just come at it from the perspective of your wants and needs, but to understand hers too and why she's disinterested.
.
Has it always been this way? Or something that has changed over time? Perhaps pressures of kids, work, whatever are playing their part or simply the day to day grind of life is limiting time for intimacy.
.
The answers don't lie on an Internet forum with a group of strangers that don't know either of you though but with you both, and they can only be found by talking between yourselves, perhaps with the help of a counsellor.

[ey****]

your situation isn't one that is unique - and, alas, there's rarely an easy solution

one of the big elements of popularity in Pro Dommes is people in a similar situation - especially as they're much easier to find than someone into kink willing to cheat with you - and while this is an option, it's not one I tend to lean onto straight away

But still.

The first step should always to try to discuss things with your wife.  It may be involving a sex counsellor might help - but it's worth kinda establishing why she is disinterested in sex (asexual, menopause, fatigue, whatever) and anything you can do to help with this (not a lot if she's ace, mind) 

It might be there is something, it might not.  

There isn't going to be an overnight fix.

I'm aware that, particularly in recent years, there are more men (and women) who've agreed with their partner about them going elsewhere for other needs.   It's a different experience if you are going to Pro Dommes, kink events, dating sites, etc. with your partners knowledge/blessing and following boundaries than it is doing any form of sneaking about 

Of course, you might do all of this and still not get the answers you are hoping for.  And that can be tough.  It then does become a case of what is more important - wife or kink : in some people's cases it is wife, in others it is kink.  

I'm also aware of people who chose 'wife' and then - of course, one day their wife sadly passed away.  They then embarked on a kink journey at the end of the mourning period - it's never really too late.

And to be honest, what you "miss out" on in kink, you make up for in quality time with wife.  And that's not a bad position to be in.   

So possibly, a big issue here - is working on your own FOMO. 

[Mi****]

9 hours ago, toriadored said:

It’s something you’ll have to discuss and figure out together, but don’t go behind her back; respect her enough to not cheat. Go to therapy together. If this is how your relationship is going to be and it isn’t something that will change, you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I agree with everyone who is recommending counseling and talking to her about HER feelings and what is behind her low desire for sexual activity. A lot of times, women have a hard time getting in the mood when things arrive the house aren’t done. Dirty dishes in the sink, dirty laundry in the floor, a messy bedroom, etc. Women also statistically tend to bear more of the emotional labor in relationships (keeping track of the grocery list, planning meals, keeping track of schedules…)
But it also sounds like your wife may have some baggage around sex. Talking to her about her feelings, not with the motivation of getting what you want, but because you care about her and her own sexual life and the way that sexual intimacy can strengthen and deepen your relationship.
Go to counseling together. Get at the root of what’s going on.

[Deleted Member]

Leave her.

[Tr****]

Honestly, @eyemblacksheepmakes a good point about FOMO. That could be something you should determine for yourself. When did your urge to explore kick in? Has it always been a thought you've ignored, or only just recently? Where is that urge coming/stemming from? Is it because of your lack of sex in your marriage? Personally, I believe in a monogamous relationship sex should be important because you only do it with ONE other person, and that is your spouse! You say it wasn't that way in the beginning, but does she feel the same way? Not to be rude, but anytime someone says things are "perfect," i question it. Because it's a blanket statement that glosses over too many things. Especially the many complexities of a committed life-long relationship. Have you really taken a deep look at yourself in the relationship, and if so, have you considered that her view might be different from yours? I say these things because it should be important to scrutinize and fully understand yourself before trying to understand someone else. Counseling would definitely do you some good, but only after expressing this with your wife. Don't reach for justification or answers from unqualified strangers. Seek real help. If you truly love her and want to do these things with her, you will fight through every possibility before ever considering another partner. Best of luck.

[au****]

My 2¢, you should have really talked this out before making vows with a person. Sometimes people change and grow apart and that happens and its natural. So dont make vows or promises youre not willing to keep. But you made vows you shouldnt have so accept the blame and apologize and take responsibility. Cause if possibly missing out on some kink is more important than the person you pledged your life to, i cant believe you made thosey vows with truth at all and if you care about them, they def deserve better

[Sh****]

Sounds like she might be on the A sexual spectrum. Maybe you could suggest something like a polygamous relationship or maybe an occational fwb? I'd be honest how you feel about it and try to come to a compromise. If you both care about eachother, I'm sure you can find something that'll make you both happy

[Bu****]

I had that experience with my sweet ex. We divorced. Shes till my best friend. Just wanted the best for her. Now she has a boyfriend whos amazing and shes living her best life. I miss her as a partner and I really miss my old life, but her happiness had priority for me. Hope this helps. 🖤

[MasterDarcy1979]

The main thing Is the "doing it on the side".

No. Don't. It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to do it on the side however, if you got some on the side without telling your wife... that's a different story.

In some marriages the sex life just dries up. A marriage therapist would urge you to spice things up, but you say that your wife is closed minded? Doesn't sound like the lady Is for changing.

Maybe she would open her mind if she knew that you're unhappy and unfilled?

[Sh****]

If she's closed minded too, that doesn't mean she hates it. She could just have unresolved issues with sex or sexual shame. Pretty common with religious backgrounds

[Deleted Member]

Step 1 - Talk to her. Tell her how you feel and express that your needs aren't being met, but be careful not to throw blame on her. Have a serious discussion about the way each of you feels about sex and figure out why you're not seeing eye to eye on this. You're just trying to understand why she seems cold and close-minded to you at this point, and hopefully getting her to understand your position.

Step 2 - Find a solution together. If her sex drive isn't matching yours and she's not willing to explore things with you, it might be a good time to broach the idea of an open relationship. Likewise though, you need to make sure that *her* needs are being met both in and out of the bedroom. If there's something she feels is lacking in the relationship, that could easily feed back into this issue. Couples' therapy could be involved at this stage if you're not able to find a solution on your own.

Step 3 - If all else fails and you can't find a compromise that will make both of you happy, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. I'm not saying all is lost, but if this is an important issue to you then you might just be incompatible at this point in your lives.

[Ji****]

I got stuck in a sexist marriage my advice. I’m sorry if you’re not fulfilled or happy as much as you lover and as much as you think it is important yet she’s the complete opposite you either bring it up to her and tell her that it’s got a change in someway not right away, and not in the means that you are looking for right away, but something has to be done or you actually have the thought of stepping out. Unfortunately, my marriage, even though a sexist, it ended up being her that was cheating.

[dook]

I don't knkow what your should do. But, even though I am very monogamous, if I couldn't or wasn't interested, I wouldn't be so arrogant as to try to control a part of my wife's life that I don't want anything to do with. 

[MasterDarcy1979]

If you're thinking of having an an experience behind her back. Don't.

I've known literally dozens of submissives females who are married to vanilla men.

The common denominator is that they all have an urge tk submit and be kinky in a vanilla dynamic.

Some cheat, some don't.  I even knew a submissive who had permission from her husband to have an online relationship.

All you cam do is have a discussion. If she doesn't want to compromise then there's little you can do but to respect her wishes.

[un****]

Let her know how your feeling be up front and honest with her

[Deleted Member]

agreed