Tricks to vet a Dom

[Deleted Member]

I’ve never had to try any tricks; just talk to them. If they’re pushy or demanding, they’re domineering and not dominant.

[da****]

BothellQueen no problem just being straight forward

[Nocturne]

In any intimate relationship, emotionally or otherwise, such as close friendships, relationships or dynamics, it's important to be able to know what a person values. 

As a Dom, I want any sub that wants to interact with me to be able to get a satisfying answer if they ask me questions about what my values are, or for them to be able to assess what my values are shown to be through my actions. 

If you are vetting a Dom, some things to consider might be the following:

- Do they value you outside of a kinky context?

- Do you leave interactions with them feeling understood, and feeling like you understood them, or do you feel confused?

- Do they give you the space to assert your wants and boundaries?

- Do you feel physically and emotionally safe when you are near them?

- Do you know what you can expect from them, especially when you feel ***?

- How do they react when you assert your boundaries? Does their reaction encourage you to continue asserting your boundaries?

No magic question will do all the work of clear and open communication, the first green flag is being able to have clear and open communication with a potential Dom.

[Ae****]

18 hours ago, toriadored said:

I’ve never had to try any tricks; just talk to them. If they’re pushy or demanding, they’re domineering and not dominant.

This.

[he****]

You nailed this by the way I can't stand m************ Who hide under the title of Dom just so they can have no regard for the people around them and their partners it's not an excuse to treat people like s*** you guys

[he****]

I want my Subs too want to obey because they know they're not going to be letting the wrong direction regardless of what the topic is and that takes trust and you have to earn that you can't buy it it can't be fake

[ob****]

Make plans with them and then postpone at the last minute. If they get angry or start insulting all women, thats a major red flag.

[Deleted Member]

As a Dominant, I tend to be slower moving than most. No, I don’t care that we’ve talked for a week or a month. It takes time to develop a proper dynamic. This isn’t a race. It can slowly build and develops rather than 24 hours after the first message, the sun is restrained with a toilet brush hanging out her ass.

Stay safe, and trust your gut.

Another thing, I will discuss with someone new is their definitions and how they see the roles vs how I see them and where of we align.

They’d give their definition and mine would then follow such as:

Submission is a gift to be given. Not everyone is to receive such a gift and if it isn’t cherished or respected as such, then they are no longer worthy of it. Many will attempt to procure it on false terms and empty promises and the only one who can assign the true value at hand is the person giving it.

Being a submissive is to entrust in another to push you in life, regarding your doubts and limitations and into unchartered territory. It’s done so that you may evolve and grow in ways not reachable alone.

[Dryoni]

Astro Bec, very true, as you have found, with realness somes peace and growth, proud of you.

[ly****]

I’ve wondered this same question as well. Reading thru all the comments and tips have helped me immensely !

[Deleted Member]

I just make them wait, as fakes tend to want instant gratification and don't like to invest too much time and effort on getting to know us. After 2 or 3 days or a week a fake will get bored and simply drop off. 

Naming all your boundaries and soft and hard limits from the get go and seeing how they react to them is crucial. Fakes are always trying to push the limits and care very little about making you feel safe and comfortable around them. 

Speaking about previous doms and seeing their reaction can be useful. Fake ones tend to get easily jealous and irritated and try to rubbish the ex dom any chance they get. A real one feels secure because they know they own you so they feel no need to compete or trash others. 

And my last "test" is simply to act a bit bratty and see how they react. My perfect dom understands when I am just teasing to earn a punishment or for fun, and when I am being difficult because I am having a bad day, and when I am testing HIS boundaries and his ability to tame me, and he rewards/ punishes, comforts me or puts me in my place as necessary.

[Co****]

18 hours ago, YourSubLady said:

I just make them wait, as fakes tend to want instant gratification and don't like to invest too much time and effort on getting to know us. After 2 or 3 days or a week a fake will get bored and simply drop off. 

Naming all your boundaries and soft and hard limits from the get go and seeing how they react to them is crucial. Fakes are always trying to push the limits and care very little about making you feel safe and comfortable around them. 

Speaking about previous doms and seeing their reaction can be useful. Fake ones tend to get easily jealous and irritated and try to rubbish the ex dom any chance they get. A real one feels secure because they know they own you so they feel no need to compete or trash others. 

And my last "test" is simply to act a bit bratty and see how they react. My perfect dom understands when I am just teasing to earn a punishment or for fun, and when I am being difficult because I am having a bad day, and when I am testing HIS boundaries and his ability to tame me, and he rewards/ punishes, comforts me or puts me in my place as necessary.

Sounds like a very good way to test Dom's

[ne****]

20 hours ago, YourSubLady said:

I just make them wait, as fakes tend to want instant gratification and don't like to invest too much time and effort on getting to know us. After 2 or 3 days or a week a fake will get bored and simply drop off. 

Naming all your boundaries and soft and hard limits from the get go and seeing how they react to them is crucial. Fakes are always trying to push the limits and care very little about making you feel safe and comfortable around them. 

Speaking about previous doms and seeing their reaction can be useful. Fake ones tend to get easily jealous and irritated and try to rubbish the ex dom any chance they get. A real one feels secure because they know they own you so they feel no need to compete or trash others. 

And my last "test" is simply to act a bit bratty and see how they react. My perfect dom understands when I am just teasing to earn a punishment or for fun, and when I am being difficult because I am having a bad day, and when I am testing HIS boundaries and his ability to tame me, and he rewards/ punishes, comforts me or puts me in my place as necessary.

Preach

[CG****]

A good trick I know of is to call a "dom" by an honorific when you first intrttwra

[CG****]

I feel like one of the best ways to Vet a dom is to call them an honorific (Daddy, Sir, Master) right off the bat. Newbies just want to hear it and not take the time to earn it. If they don't tell you something along the lines of: "being a dom is important to me, and using that term is a symbol of a deep connection, so please don't use it until we have established something more" than they aren't really a dom, but a wannabe.

[Ri****]

5 hours ago, CGChris said:

I feel like one of the best ways to Vet a dom is to call them an honorific (Daddy, Sir, Master) right off the bat. Newbies just want to hear it and not take the time to earn it. If they don't tell you something along the lines of: "being a dom is important to me, and using that term is a symbol of a deep connection, so please don't use it until we have established something more" than they aren't really a dom, but a wannabe.

For the most part I agree with this. I permit sir, because in some parts of the country and some cultures this is used in a vanilla way simply to show respect. Daddy and master definitely have to be agreed to and earned.  I have coached a few subs who are not in my geographic area, giving some of them some basics on weeding out wannabee Doms and fakes. I like to point out that in the early stages the getting acquainted and the vetting are a conversation among equals, not between a Dom and a sub. There is no D/s until submission has been freely offered and accepted.

[Ri****]

There is a book that might help subs understand and navigate the vetting process. It’s 62Q by Michael Mckai. It is 62 questions subs can use to vet a Dom and get to know them.

[Ri****]

On the subject of books, another that can give both sides of the slash a better understanding of the power exchange dynamic is The Control Book by Peter Masters.

[pe****]

A long vetting process and being totally upfront with what your needs are in the beginning will weed out the fakes. Fakes are impatient and only care about what they want. A good Dom will respect what you need, even if they do not fit those needs and wish you luck on your search. They also will invest in the time to get to know you properly, show extreme patience (which is required in a dynamic) during this time, and establish a level of trust during this time. That is my process for initially vetting a Dominant. If he doesn't meet my preliminary needs for a dynamic, then vetting stops and we move on. I always politely wish them luck. A D type should always remain respectful and polite.

[Ri****]

Wednesday at 10:27 AM, petitefitgirl said:

A long vetting process and being totally upfront with what your needs are in the beginning will weed out the fakes. Fakes are impatient and only care about what they want. A good Dom will respect what you need, even if they do not fit those needs and wish you luck on your search. They also will invest in the time to get to know you properly, show extreme patience (which is required in a dynamic) during this time, and establish a level of trust during this time. That is my process for initially vetting a Dominant. If he doesn't meet my preliminary needs for a dynamic, then vetting stops and we move on. I always politely wish them luck. A D type should always remain respectful and polite.

Well said. Thanks for sharing.

[Wi****]

We should all be perfect gentleman or woman outside of the kink agreement, we are respectable people after all.

[Dryoni]

Here is an interesting outcome, the beautiful soul whom started this thread Astrobek, is now my little, so as a Dom patience, honesty, admitting when you do not know something, being aware that we all grow continually, and flexibility.

I never doubt what I am told, or question anothers though process, if it is real for them, it is real for myself, opinions should always give way.

Respectfully always to community and souls.

[am****]

Great thread this has been very helpful.🩷

[Deleted Member]

This is an awesome post! I've learned so much. Thank you to all who commented. I am a inexperienced submissive myself but I love to learn and apply what I've learned. Finding a Dominant isn't easy but hopefully one day soon maybe I will.

[Ji****]

October 5, 2023, Deleted profile said:

Let's make this easier. The following titles generally fit each of the 2 personalities:

Dom: Classic, Gentle, Daddy/Mommy

Sadistic: Master, Mistress, Sir, Owner

A. If a potential partner lists caregiver, aftercare, tamer, trainer, teacher, and guide, you have a higher chance they are real.

B. If they list the owner, master, mistress, masochist, or degrader, there's a higher chance they are a sadistic sir.

If they list more of "A" than "B" there's a chance they can perform "B", but there will be a lot of rules, guidelines, and protocols in place to protect the emotions and mentality of both partners.

In reality, the Dominators' primary goal should be the emotional, mental, and physical well-being of their submissive partner.

The Sadistics' primary goal is their own personal satisfaction over the slaves emotional and mental stability.

I honestly don’t think that’s 100% true.
I am by nature, Asa masochist, as I’m a primal first and foremost. That’s my main objective is to find another primer. Anything else other than that is just play.
 no I can be mentally sadistic as well and for me, that is just my darker nature as yes, I am a sadist, but I generally do not throw that into any play as mental can cut deeper than any knife, and must be agreed-upon first and have its own limits as you could trigger emotional memory that could ruin any session just by using a single word.