Tricks to vet a Dom

[Ji****]

I am a sadist almost 100% but I am also a masochist. But with my sub, I am still a pleasure Dom as well. My thought is, I’m gonna make them feel comfortable, safe and protected one with me. There’s a difference between a sociopath who is a Dom Versus sadist who is a Dom.
I want them to trust that I will have their best interest and well-being at heart before I even think about myself, my needs or what really pleases me. Other than being primal, which is a shared thing, a Dom/sub relationship is shared as well, but has much more of a dynamic to it. A Dom should only do what the sub allows them to do and only push their limits if the sub allows their limits to be pushed.
If anybody ask you or tries to tell you, you have to do something that you don’t wanna do or make you feel uncomfortable in my opinion that’s ***.
I recently started as a Dom to this Wood who is very submissive, and while communicating with her before we even started, I found that she was in a previous relationship where she was actually ***d to be submissive. She did not give permission but unfortunately she was a willing percipient . I had actually told her what she had gone through was actually *** and not a proper Dom/sub relationship.
Aftercare is also a big thing. If they don’t even participate in aftercare at all, then they are definitely the wrong person.

[Ji****]

Communication, communication, communication!!!
Ask questions even the hard ones. One of the things I always do to even get a sub first and foremost asked to video chat if they refuse or say, something is wrong with my phone or my camera or I don’t have enough bandwidth first off they’re a liar in a scammer , so don’t even bother. But first and foremost always ask questions don’t always jump straight in.

[Deleted Member]

Just want to thank you for this thread. I am new here, and this has been both illuminating, and, informative. Thank you all for the tools to navigate the sea safely.

[3t****]

Demonstration of a respect for consent, negotiations before play, listening and asking for what you want

[Ki****]

So the first thing I started doing was to stop dating and started vetting. At some point I get interested in where relationships have gone wrong for them. I look for both what he felt she did wrong and what he felt he did wrong. Guys who can't come up with anything for the second meh. No go. I also want to know specifically what he is looking for. I am personally looking for the man I want to eventually retire and go on adventures with. If he isn't committing material per his own words. Ok. Pass. I usually do park walks so it's casual chats. I do a charcuterie set up and bring it along. If a guy feels bad about me bringing things or spending *** to travel. Red flag. He is trying to get in and out with the least amount of guilt and also can't handle that I am self sufficient financially and want to do things with him even if that means I pay. Like WTF. It's 2024 and some of us do better than our male counterparts. Talk about the things you want to do interaction wise. I always bring up an NDA and see what he says. I'm needy too so is distance a factor. If he can't host that's kind of a red flag for me because I get having roomies but that screams wife type roomie.

[ra****]

October 5, 2023, VKD said:

The number 1, Most Bigly Red Flag Ever, North Korean Style, to hunt for above all others......
Empathy
Google Dark Triad.

Narcs, Machs and Psychos...one ring to bind them all. A total lack of empathy.
Here's a jolt. Add 'true' Sadists to make the Dark Tetrad. They care not for you, only that you suffer for them. 

Plenty of harrowing suff happening in the world daily. Often locally. Regrettably... sometimes personally with family and friends. Drop it into the convo and judge the response. Beware. Some are 'wise' enough to know they're expected to answer in a certain way. So...check for sincerity...and bring a few more examples into the convo if unsure. They'll get irritable.

I wanna kind of poke holes into the labels you used to describe red flag people. I have several friends with NPD who are the kindest, most respectful friends I've had. Most of my friends fall under the 'psycho' category because society stigmatizes marginalized experiences, regardless if they're actually harming themself or others. Are they "psycho" or are they from a different culture that isn't being represented fairly and equitably by behavioral health administrators? Are they abusive narcissists, or is moreso they have a strong sense of self preservation because they've had to develop these traits to survive when society refuses to accommodate our basic needs as living beings? In short, using stigmatized mental health disorders to apply to fake doms also throws subs with those same condition into feeling like they're 'crazy' for wanting a partner who can validate their sensual needs in ethical play settings. It's something we should work on as a community to continue phasing out of our vocabulary. It's not kind and it's not accurate to the people those labels get applied to. Been in therapy for 2 decades to unlearn these biases

[me****]

Lately, a question I've been asking right off the bat of people who identify as a Dom is : what the role of dom means to them in terms of the power & responsibility that comes with being a dom, and how they conduct themselves as a Dom. Generic answers of " I'm nice/ good/ etc." are a red flag for me for these reasons:
1. If I'm in the position of a sub, the burden of having to poke and prod for answers to certain questions should not be on me. A good Dom would give me that specific info right off the bat when I ask them "what about your role as a Dom makes you safe and sets you apart from the rest?"
2. Generic answers from someone pursuing me with the prospect of becoming a Dom I'll submit to give me the impression that that person either may not really understand the role they are trying to play in my life, or they have something to hide. Neither of those scenarios are scenarios that work for me.

[Sh****]

Good points, particularly valid if they are claiming to be an experienced Dom I think. 

[Bu****]

January 11, JimtheBear said:

I am a sadist almost 100% but I am also a masochist. But with my sub, I am still a pleasure Dom as well. My thought is, I’m gonna make them feel comfortable, safe and protected one with me. There’s a difference between a sociopath who is a Dom Versus sadist who is a Dom.
I want them to trust that I will have their best interest and well-being at heart before I even think about myself, my needs or what really pleases me. Other than being primal, which is a shared thing, a Dom/sub relationship is shared as well, but has much more of a dynamic to it. A Dom should only do what the sub allows them to do and only push their limits if the sub allows their limits to be pushed.
If anybody ask you or tries to tell you, you have to do something that you don’t wanna do or make you feel uncomfortable in my opinion that’s ***.
I recently started as a Dom to this Wood who is very submissive, and while communicating with her before we even started, I found that she was in a previous relationship where she was actually ***d to be submissive. She did not give permission but unfortunately she was a willing percipient . I had actually told her what she had gone through was actually *** and not a proper Dom/sub relationship.
Aftercare is also a big thing. If they don’t even participate in aftercare at all, then they are definitely the wrong person.

This 100% I'm still quite new to this world. Only got in to it after watching the 50 shades movies. I know that's not a typical scenario. Or even a healthy one. I tried to get my ex in to with me. But he just took advantage. I was with him 21+ years. Only got in to the bdsm stuff 2 years before I left. He did make me do a lot of stuff I didn't want to do. I know you need trust. And the same with the regular sites with regular guys I would try to vet them too. I have been scammed so many times that I am super cautious. And most dudes are like hey you can trust me. But no I can't not really. So I get the vetting of people. I hope to find my perfect daddy dom. But I know it's not instant. So thanks to all of you for the questions and red flags.

[Sh****]

The difficult thing for me as a relatively inexperienced sub is Doms, mostly on other platforms, but I’ve encountered this here as well, who immediately jump into listing there requirements to continue talking. Perhaps it’s naive, but I don’t think it’s normal to have a list of demands when a dynamic hasn’t been established yet? For newer Doms I imagine getting to know a prospective sub as a person before discussing what the dynamic would potentially look like is a better approach, 

[BadJokesNRopes]

This is something i wish was easier for subs to do. The people who claim to be a dom and are really just horny do a lot of harm on both sides of the /. 

What i tell friends who are interested in being a dom is that; You are a dom to a sub. If you dont have a sub dont act like a dom. So leave out your dom side when first interacting. A sub doesnt just give you themselves right off the bat. So why be a dom right off the bat. 

There Soo much trust in a D/s relationshop and their variations. So work on getting to know each other first. 

Tldr: if they instantly act as a dom. Want sex asap. Have no care or concern for their sub's needs outside of a scene/sex.

[Deleted Member]

I was asked to share one of my posts (I have a few😅) about vetting here for you that I had posted on FB in one of my sub groups from summer last year that I like to share with subs/littles who are looking for vetting questions to ask Dom's/Dommes/Daddies/Mummies (insert to suit your dynamic):

-----

How long should I wait before I offer him my submission?

This is a question I have been asked over and over throughout my years. I'm happy to announce that I finally have my official answer: As long as it takes to answer these questions:

What is his first, middle, and last name?
What's his cell number?
What is his physical address?
When was he born?
Where did he grow up?
What are his e-mail addresses? What are all his social media spaces?
What is his direct family makeup? What are the names of his siblings?
What are his relationships with his siblings like?
Where is he in the birth order?
Are his parents still alive?
What is his relationship with his parents like?
Does he have ***?
Does he want ***?
How many *** does he have? What are the ages of his ***? What are his ***'s names? Has he ever owned pets?
Does he currently have any pets? What types of ***s are they? How many pets does he have? How long has he had them?
What are the names of his pets? How does he feel about his pets?
If he doesn't have pets, does he keep plants?
Does he work?
What does he do for work?
Where does he work?
Does he like what he does for work?
How much does he work?
What is the physical address of his workplace?
How long has he worked there? How does he commute to work? What is his current commute to work like?
Does he own a car?
What kind of car does he own? What are his hobbies outside of the lifestyle?
Does he read?
What are his favorite books?
Does he watch TV?
What are his favorite shows?
Does he watch movies?
What are his favorite films?
Does he listen to music?
Has he been to concerts?
What is his favorite genre of music?
What is his current favorite song? Does he watch sports?
What are his favorite sports to watch?
What are his favorite teams.
What kind of student was he growing up?
Where did he go to high school? Did he go to college?
Where did he go to college?
What kind of degree(s) did he receive from college?
What was his college experience like?
What have his relationships been like?
Did he date a lot growing up?
Has he ever been in love?
When was the last time he was in love?
When did he lose his virginity? Who did he lose his virginity with?
Does he still talk to any of the girls he's dated?
Does anyone think they are in a relationship with him?
What were his most significant relationships?
How did those relationships end?
Has he ever been married?
Is he still married?
Why did his marriage end?
What's his relationship like with his ex-wife?
What kind of dynamic do you want to have with him?
What kind of dynamic does he want with you?
How much time and energy do you both have to spend on this dynamic?
What are the goals of the dynamic?
What will your rules be within the dynamic?
What types of punishments do you expect when you break a rule?
What types of tasks do you expect to receive within the dynamic?
Does he know your soft and hard limits?
List the soft and hard limits you have made him aware of.
What are his soft and hard limits?
List the soft and hard limits you are aware he has. What will your safe word be within your new dynamic?
What was your discussion about aftercare like with him?
How many other D/s dynamics has he been in?
Who was the first person who made him their dominant?
Why did those dynamics end?
If any ended equitably, can you contact his former partner(s) to ask about their experiences being in a dynamic with him?
If this will be a long distance dynamic, how have your video chats been?
If this will be an in person dynamic, how have your dates been?
How has conflict resolution gone with him so far?
What red flags have you seen from him during your courtship?
What green flags have you seen from him during your courtship? Who will be your outside support for things that go on within your dynamic?
Is he a good communicator with you?
Do you feel you have had sufficient input in the dynamic you have built together?

[do****]

8 hours ago, SirsLilMousey said:

I was asked to share one of my posts (I have a few😅) about vetting here for you that I had posted on FB in one of my sub groups from summer last year that I like to share with subs/littles who are looking for vetting questions to ask Dom's/Dommes/Daddies/Mummies (insert to suit your dynamic):

-----

How long should I wait before I offer him my submission?

This is a question I have been asked over and over throughout my years. I'm happy to announce that I finally have my official answer: As long as it takes to answer these questions:

What is his first, middle, and last name?
What's his cell number?
What is his physical address?
When was he born?
Where did he grow up?
What are his e-mail addresses? What are all his social media spaces?
What is his direct family makeup? What are the names of his siblings?
What are his relationships with his siblings like?
Where is he in the birth order?
Are his parents still alive?
What is his relationship with his parents like?
Does he have ***?
Does he want ***?
How many *** does he have? What are the ages of his ***? What are his ***'s names? Has he ever owned pets?
Does he currently have any pets? What types of ***s are they? How many pets does he have? How long has he had them?
What are the names of his pets? How does he feel about his pets?
If he doesn't have pets, does he keep plants?
Does he work?
What does he do for work?
Where does he work?
Does he like what he does for work?
How much does he work?
What is the physical address of his workplace?
How long has he worked there? How does he commute to work? What is his current commute to work like?
Does he own a car?
What kind of car does he own? What are his hobbies outside of the lifestyle?
Does he read?
What are his favorite books?
Does he watch TV?
What are his favorite shows?
Does he watch movies?
What are his favorite films?
Does he listen to music?
Has he been to concerts?
What is his favorite genre of music?
What is his current favorite song? Does he watch sports?
What are his favorite sports to watch?
What are his favorite teams.
What kind of student was he growing up?
Where did he go to high school? Did he go to college?
Where did he go to college?
What kind of degree(s) did he receive from college?
What was his college experience like?
What have his relationships been like?
Did he date a lot growing up?
Has he ever been in love?
When was the last time he was in love?
When did he lose his virginity? Who did he lose his virginity with?
Does he still talk to any of the girls he's dated?
Does anyone think they are in a relationship with him?
What were his most significant relationships?
How did those relationships end?
Has he ever been married?
Is he still married?
Why did his marriage end?
What's his relationship like with his ex-wife?
What kind of dynamic do you want to have with him?
What kind of dynamic does he want with you?
How much time and energy do you both have to spend on this dynamic?
What are the goals of the dynamic?
What will your rules be within the dynamic?
What types of punishments do you expect when you break a rule?
What types of tasks do you expect to receive within the dynamic?
Does he know your soft and hard limits?
List the soft and hard limits you have made him aware of.
What are his soft and hard limits?
List the soft and hard limits you are aware he has. What will your safe word be within your new dynamic?
What was your discussion about aftercare like with him?
How many other D/s dynamics has he been in?
Who was the first person who made him their dominant?
Why did those dynamics end?
If any ended equitably, can you contact his former partner(s) to ask about their experiences being in a dynamic with him?
If this will be a long distance dynamic, how have your video chats been?
If this will be an in person dynamic, how have your dates been?
How has conflict resolution gone with him so far?
What red flags have you seen from him during your courtship?
What green flags have you seen from him during your courtship? Who will be your outside support for things that go on within your dynamic?
Is he a good communicator with you?
Do you feel you have had sufficient input in the dynamic you have built together?

Yes that's definitely a vet 👍🏿. The only thing I see you miss was the STI/STD questions. Thanks for sharing

[je****]

Great read and some really great advice for this newbie. I've been struggling with the communication aspect. It seems communication to most I've come across means interests and limits and that's where it stops and for the most part, actions don't match words. In my opinion, poor communication shows a lack of respect however, I was starting to think I was missing something and it might have been the norm for a lot of Doms. Thanks to all that have commented. You've certainly given me more peace of mind. 🙏

[Da****]

One very good way is to ask around the kink community. If they are known or not. Contact their local friends on FetLife. Listen to what other people say about them.

[Da****]

And I'm I said FetLife ....sorry. that's where I spend most of my time .....forgot where I was. It's more difficult here. The community isn't as big. At least not for the small to mid town types. I'm not bashing the site......just pointing out a fact.

[ki****]

Honestly I'm really bad at catching red flags, unless they're glaringly obvious. It certainly helps to have a friend to help you, and especially go to munches with, although I unfortunately no longer have one I can rely on so I tend to just sit things out now, upsetting as that is.

[li****]

March 24, BadJokesNRopes said:

This is something i wish was easier for subs to do. The people who claim to be a dom and are really just horny do a lot of harm on both sides of the /. 

What i tell friends who are interested in being a dom is that; You are a dom to a sub. If you dont have a sub dont act like a dom. So leave out your dom side when first interacting. A sub doesnt just give you themselves right off the bat. So why be a dom right off the bat. 

There Soo much trust in a D/s relationshop and their variations. So work on getting to know each other first. 

Tldr: if they instantly act as a dom. Want sex asap. Have no care or concern for their sub's needs outside of a scene/sex.

When I encounter that I say, “acting like a dom here is like being a manager of one place and walking into an unrelated business as if you own the place.” You don’t. You don’t even work here yet.

[je****]

I catch them, @kikicakes but the optimism kicks in and I think I might be wrong. Slightly orange flag perhaps? Pink, maybe? Lol

 

[PN****]

As a Dom, I want to explain the easiest way to vet a Dom:

Most Doms that are in this community are there for a reason. They are there to ultimately end up in a dynamic.

The problem is with faux Doms, they tend to be domineering and not Dominant.

There is not a Dom that I know, that is a TRUE DOM, that will send you a vulgar message, a disrespectful message, a dick pic (you wouldn't flash somebody on the street without them asking, don't do it in messages), or anything else that might be considered inappropriate.

A true Dom will also not expect you to use any sort of honorific with them until at the very least you guys have been talking or, some sort of foundation and dynamic has been set in motion. No true Dom ever expects an honorific without earning it. If they do, then they need to do better and be better.

Another thing a true Dom will do is give you some insight as to why they are messaging you. There is not a Dom that I know that will walk up to a random person and demand something from them or not make their presence known and for what reason.

I hope this helps you subs. As someone who's been in the community for two decades, faux Doms are obvious. Pay attention to the details.

Be safe y'all. 🖤

[Redbottom***]

Such a complex topic, I think as their isn't a tick list for a Dom (and shouldn't be) not all vetting fits all. You may need to define what you see as a Dom personally, we all likely have differences here. Some may not like doms using honorifcs straight away, or being demanding, while others don't

Once done that clearly state on profile. Then biggest red flag is likely if that's ignored . From my interactions, anyone who approaches me with sexual intentions immediately, shows lack of control like becoming defensive or worse abusive, who adapts their likes and limits based on yours, pushes for meet I wouldn't likely continue

As most have said, safety is paramount so don't be afraid to chat for what ever timeline you need, ask questions , verify. Make sure someone knows where you are if do meet and have a plan to exit if necessary

[Ve****]

An immediate red flag is when the Top begins your conversations with what they want. Especially if their top kink is something you find unpleasant or uninteresting. If someone wanting to Dom you isn’t asking you questions while looking you in the eye: 🚩. Green flags, for me, are chivalry, asking a lot of questions about me and what I like, taking time to know me before any kind of physical contact, and letting me make certain choices, like where to eat. Once you’re beyond the getting to know you phase, a red flag for me is any kind of brutality. Brutality is *** I did not consent to like hitting or choking, especially if done in anger. Green flags are tenderness after play, having my fave drinks on hand and PDA when appropriate.