D/s help or advice: A kitten in need to a new world.

[Deleted Member]

Okay, this may seem like a lot, but here are the mini facts.

I’m 24, working a job I’m grateful for, but it’s not on of my dream jobs/aspirations, my nickname is kitty. I’m in a relationship.

 

 Since kindergarten, I knew what sex was. I was a smart kid. My parents were swingers. They “did their best to “hide it”, but again A + B = C,  I was too smart. 

That aside. When I was younger, I was lucky enough to have read Anne Rice’s “Sleeping Beauty” trilogy with my older sibling. It sparked something in me. One I’m a hopeless romantic. Two, BDSM sparked something entirely in me. As I got older I came upon Red Phoenix and her “Brie Series” and that sealed it. The love, devotion, trust and refreshing feeling it is to have someone that loves you, wants to support and challenge you and introduce you to new people, places and experiences. And vice versa. Reading erotica probably ruined my view on men in the real world, but I always help out hope, while knowing it’s all just fantasy, but lol A Girl can HOPE.

 

My boyfriend he’s 25, and needs affection and is very playful. He gives off no vibes of being dominant. In part because he’s always joking around. He feels I put unrealistic pressure on him to be like the men I read about and that we’re both still young and he has to grow into the man I want. Which I understand. But there’s this void inside of me. I know the love I want, I’ve dealt with so many mentally and emotionally abusive assholes in my past and my childhood was also in the same right mentally/emotionally taxing. He knows about it all. And hasn’t run away. But it’s like I need More...without he or myself feeling like I’m changing Him. I wonder if it’s even  possible to explore BDSM the way I want while being with him. I know though he’s not a dominant. Before dating seriously I broached the topic of his thoughts and he mentioned being alright with being a submissive or a dom. That was,...something. I don’t want a submissive indecisive, playful man, that procrastinates and throws tantrums....that gets upset if I decline sex and “pouts”. That wants me to shower him with attention and love, but can’t even pick up after himself or leave the damn toilet seat down. We’ve been together almost two years. Just recently moved in together. But that void I have gets bigger, with the whole “Life’s Purpose” thing. I worry I’m putting too much pressure on him  I just know what I want in a man, and I don’t want to wait and waste years to see if it comes to fruition...

 

Anywho....I had two experiences that made me want to explore bdsm more. The first being spanked and fingered. The second, he actually tried to give me what I wanted (ex) as far as trying bdsm. Light bondage and the rope was soft almost silky, he even purchased a riding crop, and pretty leash/collar for me. We came up with a safe word. I remember being tied up and he teased me sexually. And I was ready to be fucked. And a simple question of “what do you want me to do to you?” Was so difficult to answer. I’m not timid, I’m kinda fiery, but I couldn’t voice it. I was so stuck in my head saying “say it” and when I would answer, it’d be vague and I’d get whipped for not saying master sometimes. But my color was still/always green for me, yellow once. I started to cry...not because I was in ***, but because I couldn’t answer something so simple. When I eventually answered, to his satisfaction. I got the drilling I wanted and it was such a satisfying feeling. I looked in the mirror and my mascara was ruined and I looked a mess, but I felt so refreshed and happy. I’ve never experienced that feeling again since. And I want to. But my interests/partners have either been assholes or I don’t feel their Dom material. 

 

I know now it’s a Lot to read, but advice would be nice. I’d go to a bdsm club, to observe but I know of none and I’m a cautious person. I want to know if this my gut feeling is right in pursuing bdsm, I want to with my bf, he’s up for it and willing but, he comes across as needy sometimes. Plus I’m always the one to bring it up.  Our sex is satisfying but he had to grow to like eating me out. Lady juices were a texture thing I guess. We do the same positions. He once told me “I ruined his flow” when eating me out the other night when I tried to tell him how I’d like it done. (My sexual desire plummeted) it was like he had to focus or something, it took me out of the mood. He’s thoughtless with his words. And honestly if I want him to do anything at home he jokes about how he will if he can get a bj or sex. It’s a joke, but it’s annoying. I don’t want to regret Not exploring this interest I have, and only read about it. 

 

I dont know what what to do. He’s a sweet guy. He makes me laugh, he’s protective of me and I love that. He makes sure I’m safe going anywhere and he wants to take care of me so I can just do what I love. I’m just conflicted...his negative traits and bedroom skills (he didn’t date much prior to me do to easy loss in interest) Bother me. It threw him off how much further ahead I am sexually than he is. Still is subconsciously I bet. I intimidate him on the experience level. Life wise and sexually. 

 

And bdsm club tips, dom advice or submissive advice would be appreciated. Honesty welcome. I just don’t know how to handle this....I tried not like give my life’s story. Again sorry for the essay lol. 

[Ar****]

You've nothing to apologise for, anybody who isn't interested or doesn't want to help will just skim over anyway. My heart does go out to you, you seem stuck in a really tough place. But he really doesn't seem at all enough for you. You need to ask yourself if you can be truly happy long-term with someone who is very unlikely to "catch up" or take an interest sexually in the things you want to do. And frankly even jokingly it seems a shitty/lazy attitude to say he'll only do stuff in return to sex. You shouldn't have to be asking him in the first place, not if you are an equal partnership and he respects you. Are you sure you are not just staying with him because you don't want to hurt him, or are scared that you won't find anything more suited to you (as of course there are no guarantees)? If you had foreseen this path/situation when you first started dating would you have stuck with it or walked away knowing it wouldn't ever be what you really wanted? Ultimately you have to put your life needs first. If he is truly who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you believe he loves you the way you deserve and think you will be happy, then it sounds like you are probably either going to have to knock most of the dreams of kinky behaviour on the head and accept it, or see if he cares enough about you to let you explore it regularly with another/others. I wish you all the luck in sorting this out. Trust your instincts.

[kitten_x]

I deleted my account because I never intended to make one, just seeking advice. you're right in all you've mentioned. I feeI I'm being rash, and I know my guts rarely wrong. we had no choice but to move in together. I *** what I'm feeling is the need to leave, but its that (what if you do and never find someone who knows and tolerates your truth?) we have a home together and he's willing to try bdsm, but I cant take him seriously just based off oh how I see him operate in regards to everyday life. Plus its like how he acts in a vanilla relationship I don't think I'd allow him to be my dom.... I don't know if he's willing to let me explore with another/others. He mentioned a 3some idea, which I wasn't to keen on long ago, so maybe, but he couldn't even tolerate living anywhere I may have dated a guy years ago. his mentality sometimes upsets me, plus I'm bored. I love him, just don't know what to do...I want to explore bdsm, myself as a woman, that's all I know for sure right now. thanks for replying.

[Ar****]

It's okay, you don't need to explain yourself. All I will add is this, which I suspect you already know. No matter how much you feel for/care about/love someone, you cannot allow yourself to become unhappy in a relationship where that true love and acceptance isn't reciprocated. You have to be free to be your true self, which is a lesson it took me far too long to learn; if your partner truly loves you he will fully embrace that, be supportive and help you be that true self. He'll work with you to help overcome the obstacles and be free of jealousy. Unfortunately what you say about his feelings re living where you may have dated someone previously speak volumes... please be careful of (non-consensual) controlling behaviour, it can be a very subtle form of *** and difficult to spot when you are in the relationship.

[Jaim-e13]

Even if you can't read it anymore because you deleted your account and I didn't see it a few days ago I leave you my answer.

I'm sorry to say that I don't think it will work. Your relationship has all the ingredients (from my point of view) for a relationship not to work. I base myself on things you say, like that sex is okay but it's not the one you want and it doesn't take seriously your requests to try to explore other ways. He told you while he was with you you ruined his flow, only because you were expressing how you wanted him to do something better, and I have known many stories where pressures on the couple (doing something in exchange for sex) are hidden at first in jokes, which then become demands. I also understand that you have not gone to live together by your own initiative, but that the circumstances have made you end up together.
I don't know and I don't want to risk or seem to know more than you do about your relationship, but I understand that there are many indicators that if you have many things in common and you love each other but not many others. From my own experience I will tell you that trying to solve these negative things for a long time to transform them into negative doesnt usually end up working. The balance between good and bad things is so balanced that in the end it becomes a constant struggle and a day that exhausts everyone.
"what if you do and never find someone who knows and tolerates your truth?" It may be, but it may be that I will. You're young, I'm sure you can connect with someone else because the world is so big. I'm not encouraging you with this to end your relationship, I'm just encouraging you to focus on what can be better for you, not what can be worse for you. Why do we always look at a decision that can go right or wrong and only look at what can go wrong? Try to look at it from that perspective.