Did I dodge a bullet?

[He****]

I recently met someone online, well for me that's where I meet everyone, only 1 had become an IRL thing. Anyway we were chatting and getting along quite well. He said he did not want a relationship and he had several subs. Okay that's fine I didn't want one with him either. He said he never does Online stuff, also fine. We did talk a lot about sexual things, my problems I have etc etc. He said he was very good with women with those sorts of problems and getting them to face their ***s so to speak. I'm going to Europe next summer for 3 months, and we decided that maybe I could pay a visit to Scotland to see him and spend some time with him. He wouldn't tell me exactly what he was going to do, but the end result I would not get hurt. Okay I was a bit hesitant about that but I figured the more we talked maybe the more I will trust him, and if once I got there I felt uneasy I would not go inside. All good, talked about a million other things instead including hobbies and things we liked. Then he asked me to do something, he gave me instructions on what to do and once I got home from my night out I went and did it. At no time did he say to contact him before I started, so I didn't, I just filmed it. Well apparently I did it all wrong, he was disappointed and made me feel bad. I thought okay that won't happen again, and he said that too, I guess I really didn't know what he wanted. Then Thursday night after working all day and visiting young relatives I got home and he asked me to do this thing again. This time I got more instructions. In essence it's a fairly simple thing, but I was tired and it was 1.30 am and I had to go to work. I gave it a shot, I felt nothing, too tired, and yes I gave up. My job has to come first, I'm in charge of medical freight it's our most important freight. Of course I disappointed him again, won't be ever doing anything like that again he said, this is why he doesn't do online. I didn't ask him to in the first place, I'm not his sub, and I was surprised he wanted to do it anyway after what I was originally told. It confused me, upset me and made me feel like a failure. I don't now but for 24 hours I was very emotional and I don't think I was at fault here. I've not been "trained" to be a sub, I've just read stuff asked questions that sort of thing. I've never had an in person experience with anyone, well except my Ddlg which went for 2.5 years, and we did meet up a couple of times, but we were more like just friends for the last bit. I don't know what could of been a better outcome do you think? Or did I just dodge a bullet. I think I'm so lonely and desperate to be with someone I'm starting to make stupid decisions. Because of my age I don't have a lot of time left, there will come a time I won't be able to physically do anything. The thought of not doing the things that I haven't experienced and so desperately want to, makes me sad. 

[MasterAidan]

I think that online relationships can be just as “real” sometimes as IRL ones, though eventually every online one might eventually become IRL when both are able to commit to that. But online domming does take skill, and you need to make sure you have great communication and most importantly host sides must serious. While I think it would have been a good idea to communicate with him after, and sure you might have done it wrong the first time, and that’s okay. But his response should have been to teach you, so you can do better the next time, and if you’re unsure asking is always an option! I think you”ll be able to experience everything you wish for with an online Master (in my opinion it’s better to find a Master rather than a dom because to me it feels more intimate but that’s just my very very biased opinion, and some people don’t have the time!) but you’ll find a great online dom, or a irl one if you wish! Don’t give up hope. I and many others will be here to support you if you want to message them.

[No****]

If someone makes you feel like that then you have dodged a bullet. I’m sorry you feel lonely. You’ve said yourself it wasn’t something you wanted and I think his reaction played into your ***s.

[DeviantInside]

Ok there are a number of things here. From the sound of things you never agreed to enter into this. He decided you should. There doesn’t sound like he have any consideration to your circumstances or real life priorities or necessities. It also doesn’t sound like there was clear communication on what was expected or desired. He said he was good with “those sort of problems” but without knowing what those are I would ask if he has actually shown that he has any consideration of them or not. He hasn’t given you any idea what meeting will entail… so no discussion of limits? Safe words? Physical/mental limitations/triggers/limits(soft and hard)? Reassurance?

Has he shown any background or experiences that he knows what he is doing? Or that he actually understands what you want need?

Is it mutual?

Obviously I have no idea what connection you had or the messages shared but how much could have been said as something that could have been said as something you wanted to hear?

I don’t know these answers.

[He****]

1 minute ago, MasterAidan said:

I think that online relationships can be just as “real” sometimes as IRL ones, though eventually every online one might eventually become IRL when both are able to commit to that. But online domming does take skill, and you need to make sure you have great communication and most importantly host sides must serious. While I think it would have been a good idea to communicate with him after, and sure you might have done it wrong the first time, and that’s okay. But his response should have been to teach you, so you can do better the next time, and if you’re unsure asking is always an option! I think you”ll be able to experience everything you wish for with an online Master (in my opinion it’s better to find a Master rather than a dom because to me it feels more intimate but that’s just my very very biased opinion, and some people don’t have the time!) but you’ll find a great online dom, or a irl one if you wish! Don’t give up hope. I and many others will be here to support you if you want to message them.

No he just told me he was disappointed both times, I think mainly because i wanted to get some sleep and go to bed. I didn't have 2 hours to do this in, it was already 1.30 ish when he asked. I told him the time difference, and no I can't experience what I need by internet. I need a real life human for the things I need and want. I can do heaps of things on my own, and it's difficult being directed by text when you are trying to concentrate on what you are doing. It snaps me out of my concentration zone. And he never wanted to do Online stuff, so why did he? I did communicate and then I was told I was talking back. 

[He****]

6 minutes ago, nottingham353 said:

If someone makes you feel like that then you have dodged a bullet. I’m sorry you feel lonely. You’ve said yourself it wasn’t something you wanted and I think his reaction played into your ***s.

I was married for 36 years and the past 4 since he died have been some of the loneliest of my life. My boss (and yes I talk to him) seems to think I'm making bad choices (for me) because I'm agreeing to things I normally wouldn't. I know what I want I know what I need but I just don't seem to be able to find it. If that makes sense. 

[He****]

10 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

Ok there are a number of things here. From the sound of things you never agreed to enter into this. He decided you should. There doesn’t sound like he have any consideration to your circumstances or real life priorities or necessities. It also doesn’t sound like there was clear communication on what was expected or desired. He said he was good with “those sort of problems” but without knowing what those are I would ask if he has actually shown that he has any consideration of them or not. He hasn’t given you any idea what meeting will entail… so no discussion of limits? Safe words? Physical/mental limitations/triggers/limits(soft and hard)? Reassurance?

Has he shown any background or experiences that he knows what he is doing? Or that he actually understands what you want need?

Is it mutual?

Obviously I have no idea what connection you had or the messages shared but how much could have been said as something that could have been said as something you wanted to hear?

I don’t know these answers.

No there was nothing to be agreed to, straight from the start he said he doesn't do online and would wait until I was there in real life. So that is what I expected, nothing, but talking. Then things kind of evolved a little I got a tail and showed it and if I plugged I would prove it, but that's still not online nor is it a dynamic. 

My problem is I have only orgasmed alone, nobody has ever taken the time with me in person. I've never experienced being gone down on, my husband didn't like it. So things like that. 

He doesn't believe in safe words he says he knows when he's with someone what they can take. Like I said I was willing to keep talking to find out more. He didn't want to tell me exactly what we would do, and to an extent I'm okay with that, because to me if I know what is coming I lose interest, I like to be spontanious. He said I would not get hurt, and there would be plenty of aftercare. I saw the photos of what he has and it's all perfectly normal stuff and equipment so I wasn't too worried about that. I don't know what my limits are as far as *** so I can't tell them to you. I only know the things I really never want to try. I think I had myself convinced it was all okay, or would be. But then to be punted because I tried to stick up for myself for something I couldn't do at the time, maybe later when I wasn't tired. I got told I was trying to have the last word, I wasn't I was just trying to explain 

[DeviantInside]

I think the upshot here isn’t whether you dodged a bullet or not. I think the main take away is you know what is right for you and how this didn’t match up to that.

[littlemiss37]

If u feel ur settling and quickly jumping in could b sub frenzy. I had that. U r worthy of finding someone that treats u with respect. Take ur time when ur getting to know someone. I would block if the guy didn't want to get to know me. If they expect me to call him Sir etc straight away Xx

[He****]

3 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

I think the upshot here isn’t whether you dodged a bullet or not. I think the main take away is you know what is right for you and how this didn’t match up to that.

but is it normal not to have a discussion on limits and to totally ignore having safe words? I don't know, I've never been in a RL situation like this. 

[DeviantInside]

3 minutes ago, Hels1920 said:

but is it normal not to have a discussion on limits and to totally ignore having safe words? I don't know, I've never been in a RL situation like this. 

As a general rule no. These should be as a rule fundamental basics of BDSM relationships. There are people who specifically do not want these for various reasons but should only ever be entertained with full understanding of potential risks and pitfalls and acceptance of what that might entail.

[He****]

Just now, littlemiss37 said:

If u feel ur settling and quickly jumping in could b sub frenzy. I had that. U r worthy of finding someone that treats u with respect. Take ur time when ur getting to know someone. I would block if the guy didn't want to get to know me. If they expect me to call him Sir etc straight away Xx

He didn't expect any of the titles, doesn't like them. I thought that's all we were going to do is just talk, he said he didn't want an online thing nor a relationship. So it confused me when I was asked to do something, and then to be told it was all wrong. I went by how I understood it, and when I tried to explain I was talking back. It just made me feel like a failure 

[He****]

1 minute ago, DeviantInside said:

As a general rule no. These should be as a rule fundamental basics of BDSM relationships. There are people who specifically do not want these for various reasons but should only ever be entertained with full understanding of potential risks and pitfalls and acceptance of what that might entail.

I'm not experienced enough to know exactly what risks there are, I was hesitant, and possibly would have stayed that way. I don't know. 

[DeviantInside]

1 minute ago, Hels1920 said:

I'm not experienced enough to know exactly what risks there are, I was hesitant, and possibly would have stayed that way. I don't know. 

I think you have your answer there.

[DeviantInside]

One thing though, it does not make you a failure. You know what you are good at. If someone brand new in your field made mistakes or didn’t do something perfectly would you judge them a failure? Or would you try to help them understand? Now from what I have read I don’t think you did anything wrong anyway. But even if you had why should you be expected to know something you had no experience of.

[He****]

2 minutes ago, DeviantInside said:

One thing though, it does not make you a failure. You know what you are good at. If someone brand new in your field made mistakes or didn’t do something perfectly would you judge them a failure? Or would you try to help them understand? Now from what I have read I don’t think you did anything wrong anyway. But even if you had why should you be expected to know something you had no experience of.

No of course I wouldn't I would teach them. I'm starting to think it's a good thing he said goodbye, I don't think it would of got better. Thank fully no feelings involved. Wrong sort of Dom for me. 

[Reesters]

33 minutes ago, Hels1920 said:

but is it normal not to have a discussion on limits and to totally ignore having safe words? I don't know, I've never been in a RL situation like this. 

Hey sweetpea x I'm a Domme with a fait but of expérience but I experienced my first submission very recently. My sub frenzy was blinding. Ridiculous to look back on now. Feel free to message me if you like, just so you know you're not alone in your kink journey. Stay active in the community and ALWAYS ALWAYS ask for advice etc.

[Ve****]

Something I’ve noticed about toxic dims is: they enjoy getting people to do stuff further their own pleasure. And, sometimes, it pleases them more if the person doing the thing are uncomfortable, clumsy, and/or fail at it. I would say that yes, you did dodge a bullet. I hope you are very clear on the emotions you were having and move forward unashamedly insisting on appropriate requests. And YOU get to decide what is appropriate. 1:30 performances on a work night is a hard limit.

[Ki****]

I think this person is nonsense. He contradicts himself and if he is a real Dom, he should first fulfill the sub's needs irrespective both of u have agreed the D/s dynamics. Blaming a sub is not the best way and just try to get over with it. There are Doms out there and I personally start with messaging and then move to telephone calls, see if there is a connection and meet IRL within 3 months. I hope you find what you are looking for

[Se****]

5am is not the best time in the world for me to try and reply to this and there is a LOT I want to say.

I promise I will come back to this. But for now please know I see you and I feel a lot of what you’ve said as I’ve experienced similar. This is NOT a you problem, it categorically isn’t.

Take care and I’ll reply properly at a sensible time of day.

X

[li****]

This happened to me literally yesterday so I’m sat here wondering if it’s the same guy. It makes you angry and upset because although you want to please them they’re also taking advantage of you. There’s better doms out there. Tbh he’s just a fuckboy with a god complex.

[He****]

14 minutes ago, lilith_and_chill said:

This happened to me literally yesterday so I’m sat here wondering if it’s the same guy. It makes you angry and upset because although you want to please them they’re also taking advantage of you. There’s better doms out there. Tbh he’s just a fuckboy with a god complex.

This one is from Scotland, it's a shame really we got along well with everything else. He I think is too much of a sadist and I'm just not that into it. I thought I could try but now I think about it I don't want to. I'm extremely confused now. I'm going to give it a rest for awhile. 

[Ki****]

3 minutes ago, Hels1920 said:

This one is from Scotland, it's a shame really we got along well with everything else. He I think is too much of a sadist and I'm just not that into it. I thought I could try but now I think about it I don't want to. I'm extremely confused now. I'm going to give it a rest for awhile. 

I'm sorry how you feel. I hope you get past this and please don't take this as other Doms are similar. Many are different and they care for their sub's well being. Take care

[He****]

12 minutes ago, KissingDom said:

I'm sorry how you feel. I hope you get past this and please don't take this as other Doms are similar. Many are different and they care for their sub's well being. Take care

Vielen Dank, ich weiß, dass nicht jeder gleich ist. 

[He****]

2 hours ago, KissingDom said:

I think this person is nonsense. He contradicts himself and if he is a real Dom, he should first fulfill the sub's needs irrespective both of u have agreed the D/s dynamics. Blaming a sub is not the best way and just try to get over with it. There are Doms out there and I personally start with messaging and then move to telephone calls, see if there is a connection and meet IRL within 3 months. I hope you find what you are looking for

we weren't in a D/s relationship at no point was this mentioned. He said he had subs, he wouldn't tell me how many but I was under the impression he didn't want any more, he also said he didn't do Online stuff. We were just talking with a posibility of meeting next year.