KINKY APPROACH

[ey****]

19 minutes ago, Private_Duffy said:

Thoroughly agreed on this for establishing context as a great early part of introductions! In order to know how personal folks like to be/what their preferences are its well worth exploring a conversational topic or two to get a sense of it that aren't heavy or personal

yep, "Hey, how are you?" is for someone you have familiarity with - it doesn't make for a good icebreaker online

[Ma****]

7 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

there's reasons why it's not

if she was messaging people with lazy messages, that would be a whole other board game 

but again, the people messaging her mustn't think her profile is bland, else they wouldn't message, no?

I agree with you. But she can afford to have a mostly blank profile cause she knows a bunch of guys will still message. Meanwhile, I have a similarly blank profile (I'm here out of curiosity mostly, not starting a relationship) and have never been texted first by a woman on here. And generally this applies to all men, most guys have to say hi first and have a nicely filled profile, they don't have a reliable option of waiting to receive messages.

[PickyPrincess]

READ their profile and any posts in the forums etc. It's like getting a sneak perk into their psyche. Use that information to sell yourself to them. People want to feel valued and that you care. BE VANILLA not kinky. Introduce yourself with warmth and sincerity. Share something about yourself. Make it about one paragraph long. Not too long, not too short.

[ey****]

20 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

I agree with you. But she can afford to have a mostly blank profile cause she knows a bunch of guys will still message. Meanwhile, I have a similarly blank profile (I'm here out of curiosity mostly, not starting a relationship) and have never been texted first by a woman on here. And generally this applies to all men, most guys have to say hi first and have a nicely filled profile, they don't have a reliable option of waiting to receive messages.

so that a woman could have a completely/mostly blank profile - and still get messages from thirsty men - says more about the men, than the woman

I mean, there's a difference in context - like if someone has a blank profile but they post a lot, or you have other interactions and you can slide in with a "I agree with a lot you say" - but in general, this is an issue with male behaviour.

there's assorted reasons why women tend not to make the first move online.  This is not to say it never happens, there are people who have reached out to me I've met and played with this year, and some where it's just met and not yet done anything but likely to next year (one health, one location) 

But if a woman is to reach out to a man, then it's not so much double standards, but that she may hold higher standards than men do.  This doesn't mean jumping through hoops or the world's greatest profile - just enough that goes (a) yes they seem interesting (b) they have potential in what I'm looking for (c) I seem to match what they are looking for
Rather than the male approach in checking for tits and a heartbeat.

[Ma****]

21 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

so that a woman could have a completely/mostly blank profile - and still get messages from thirsty men - says more about the men, than the woman

I mean, there's a difference in context - like if someone has a blank profile but they post a lot, or you have other interactions and you can slide in with a "I agree with a lot you say" - but in general, this is an issue with male behaviour.

there's assorted reasons why women tend not to make the first move online.  This is not to say it never happens, there are people who have reached out to me I've met and played with this year, and some where it's just met and not yet done anything but likely to next year (one health, one location) 

But if a woman is to reach out to a man, then it's not so much double standards, but that she may hold higher standards than men do.  This doesn't mean jumping through hoops or the world's greatest profile - just enough that goes (a) yes they seem interesting (b) they have potential in what I'm looking for (c) I seem to match what they are looking for
Rather than the male approach in checking for tits and a heartbeat.

Again, I agree that it's an issue about men first and foremost. However, of you are a woman with a mostly blank profile, you have no right to complain about receiving low effort messages, you attract what you exude.

[Pneuma]

"What's your favorite fantasy?"

[ey****]

2 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

However, of you are a woman with a mostly blank profile, you have no right to complain about receiving low effort messages, you attract what you exude.

So you're saying it's women's fault that some men are lazy, entitled, arseholes?

Make it make sense.

[Ma****]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

So you're saying it's women's fault that some men are lazy, entitled, arseholes?

Make it make sense.

What, why are you trying so hard to twist my words? I said some men should take accountability for being lazy and nonselective, and some women should take accountability for feeling entitled to quality introductions while putting little info on their profile.

[Du****]

8 minutes ago, Pneuma said:

"What's your favorite fantasy?"

That’s such an intimate question! Is it really the one you’d choose to break the ice? Or would you wind it back a notch first?

[ge****]

7 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

What, why are you trying so hard to twist my words? I said some men should take accountability for being lazy and nonselective, and some women should take accountability for feeling entitled to quality introductions while putting little info on their profile.

As I've proved further up though - what you're calling "quality introductions" take very little effort on the part of the sender no matter how limited the profile.
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Women choose to keep their profile limited for various reasons, one of them being that putting too much information attracts even more messages from thirsty men using the details as a tick box menu of what they expect the recipient to provide.
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Whilst I agree it's nice to have something to go on, as I said before it's perfectly feasible to write something that will garner a response even with limited information. Though I question why anyone would want to contact a profile they personally felt didn't give them enough information.

[ey****]

Just now, Marko011 said:

What, why are you trying so hard to twist my words? I said some men should take accountability for being lazy and nonselective, and some women should take accountability for feeling entitled to quality introductions while putting little info on their profile.

I don't think anyone asking for better icebreakers is asking for war and peace or the world's greatest intro.  Just something a little better than "Hey", "How is your day?", or rushing straight to sexual/intimate or blatant copy/paste messages

The question is also a little bit also can be why does the person have a deemed low effort profile.  Men will have a low effort profile and still message away to people - so it's not that they're not looking.

Women for example there might be many reasons - whether they're finding their feet, unsure what to write, not *actually* looking for anyone, or not sure if they're looking for someone - feel that writing war and peace on their profile for men to not read isn't their top priority right now

and understanding that can understand an approach.     The onus is on the person reaching out, because they're the one trying to illicit a response.

I don't want to be pointed - but the lady in question you first used as an example - reading their profile I have enough to go off.  I'm not going to message her because there's criteria I do not meet, but if I did happen to meet criteria then I'd probably message stating where I lived, that I was in her age range and could travel - I could ask probing questions about what she looks for in a Dominant and potentially any other interests.  Literally a paragraph or two.  It wouldn't be certain of a response but it'd be above low effort.  

[Ma****]

7 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I don't think anyone asking for better icebreakers is asking for war and peace or the world's greatest intro.  Just something a little better than "Hey", "How is your day?", or rushing straight to sexual/intimate or blatant copy/paste messages

The question is also a little bit also can be why does the person have a deemed low effort profile.  Men will have a low effort profile and still message away to people - so it's not that they're not looking.

Women for example there might be many reasons - whether they're finding their feet, unsure what to write, not *actually* looking for anyone, or not sure if they're looking for someone - feel that writing war and peace on their profile for men to not read isn't their top priority right now

and understanding that can understand an approach.     The onus is on the person reaching out, because they're the one trying to illicit a response.

I don't want to be pointed - but the lady in question you first used as an example - reading their profile I have enough to go off.  I'm not going to message her because there's criteria I do not meet, but if I did happen to meet criteria then I'd probably message stating where I lived, that I was in her age range and could travel - I could ask probing questions about what she looks for in a Dominant and potentially any other interests.  Literally a paragraph or two.  It wouldn't be certain of a response but it'd be above low effort.  

Ok, that sounds sensible. Just one more serious question, is it then okay for a guy to also have a bland profile just like some women? Or it doesn't work both ways?

[ge****]

8 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

Ok, that sounds sensible. Just one more serious question, is it then okay for a guy to also have a bland profile just like some women? Or it doesn't work both ways?

It's OK for *anyone* to have a profile of their own choosing, whether bland or fully formed - whether it reaps them anything though is another matter.
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For a man with a limited profile he'll need something "more" to make anything of the site, maybe through forum interactions, the quality of his messages etc.
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It's an undeniable fact that there are differences in experience on-line that are genderised, women will always get messages regardless of their profile but have to put up with the majority of those being of low quality - men with limited profiles will probably get very little interest unless they bring something else to the table and so on.
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For that to change would take a change in attitudes of epic proportions that are very unlikely to happen and being honest haven't done so in the time I've been interacting on-line, which is actually longer than you've been alive!!

[Ma****]

10 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

It's OK for *anyone* to have a profile of their own choosing, whether bland or fully formed - whether it reaps them anything though is another matter.
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For a man with a limited profile he'll need something "more" to make anything of the site, maybe through forum interactions, the quality of his messages etc.
.
It's an undeniable fact that there are differences in experience on-line that are genderised, women will always get messages regardless of their profile but have to put up with the majority of those being of low quality - men with limited profiles will probably get very little interest unless they bring something else to the table and so on.
.
For that to change would take a change in attitudes of epic proportions that are very unlikely to happen and being honest haven't done so in the time I've been interacting on-line, which is actually longer than you've been alive!!

That makes sense. I've got a lot to figure out when it comes to dating (both rl and online, vanilla and bdsm), so thanks for your answer 😅

[Do****]

Chapeau! bbb_karen a brilliantly entertaining and informative thread.

[ey****]

39 minutes ago, Marko011 said:

Ok, that sounds sensible. Just one more serious question, is it then okay for a guy to also have a bland profile just like some women? Or it doesn't work both ways?

so, yes. totally acceptable. for any reason

but depending on what they want from the site, it may limit their chances

I guess, something - if a woman gets a message from a low-effort man then it's "*eyeroll* - another low effort man in my inbox"

If a man gets a message from a low-effort woman then it's "ooh, let's see where this goes" and then acts surprised when it's a scam

[Ma****]

56 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

so, yes. totally acceptable. for any reason

but depending on what they want from the site, it may limit their chances

I guess, something - if a woman gets a message from a low-effort man then it's "*eyeroll* - another low effort man in my inbox"

If a man gets a message from a low-effort woman then it's "ooh, let's see where this goes" and then acts surprised when it's a scam

I guess you are right 👍

[Hidden_]

As a guy i get nervous breaking the ice, cause i dont want to feel like a weirdo. I just wanna talk and get to know eachother first, thats all.

[br****]

I think of being very respectful and polite in my icebreakers, I always read their bios and try to digest them and reformulate them into something that makes sense with several hooks potentially triggering a good conversation. Yet almost no replies 😅

[ki****]

My ice breaker has to be natural with an intention of getting a genuine understanding of who I'm speaking with and their intentions. I believe first impression is just a limit on myself so I give the best first experience of me because the impression could never compare 😌🌹

[Th****]

6 hours ago, Marko011 said:

That makes sense. I've got a lot to figure out when it comes to dating (both rl and online, vanilla and bdsm), so thanks for your answer 😅

I'm truly pleasantly surprised at how this conversation has gone. It's sadly rare to see anyone truly listen to the very good constructive advice that's so often given here in the forums. 

I want to add a bit more insight for you and anyone else reading who could benefit. Often what might appear to be a "low effort" or "nearly blank" profile from a woman is actually very much on purpose and for very valid reasons. When I look at Inconceivable's profile it's very obvious she's only interested in a very specific demographic. It also reads to me as if it were designed specifically to attract experienced kinksters who are able to "read between the lines" so to speak. You said so yourself she's likely to still get loads of messages, well many of those messages will still be unwanted messages from men who she's made it clear are incompatible even after her attempts at fending them off with her chosen style of profile. 

Tldr recap... just because a woman's profile may *seem* to be "low effort" or "nearly blank" to some doesn't, in fact, make it so. 

 

 

[Th****]

On 11/28/2023 at 5:00 PM, PhoenixisCumming16 said:

That is right I said basically the same thing I have an age limit spelled out no one under 35 it says I’m not your mommy!!!! But I will get *** 20’s sending messages

So I agree READ BEFORE YOU SEND BECAUSE SOMEONE MAY HAVE A REASON FOR WRITING ON THEIR BIO!

You actually don't have anything about age or much of anything else saying what you're looking for in your profile. It says that you don't know what you want, so yeah you're going to get all sorts messaging you. 

[Th****]

14 hours ago, Oliejuice said:

I thought I said that in my message.  Im fully aware an unsolicited message earns me not a damn thing.  Also I honestly cant attest to wether the women saying they want a  fireworks display in the first message are the same ones that just said "hi" or "hey"  but I can say that phrase is all too common on any online social site that it would be quite naive to not heed that request somewhat.  I mean its said often enough that a man would be arrogant, naive, or just plain stupid to not take all the women saying such seriously.  I pray im none of those things tho.  You could very well be right and all the women that sent me one word messages never thought about what they require to get their attention and maybe none of them wanted the fireworks show the others wanted.  I very well could be applying this train of thought when the women that do say this are voluntarily telling me that we arent compatible right out the gate and saving me time but then im going and wasting mine trying to get some of their attention.   Tbh Im not sure if ive ever sent a message to a woman that has said they require all the bells and whistles to get their attention.  I think its just such a common statement I guess its been imprinted in my mind at this point.  Now im gonna have to rethink some things and make sure im staying genuine to myself.   

Catching up on this thread from where I was and the comments I've responded to already took a lot for me so forgive me for this short response here but...

Dude.... your profile is blank other than photos and only a week old. Obviously I have zero clue what you're sending to people but there is a risk of overwhelming and putting people off with too much in a first message and from your comments here I'd hazard a guess this might be the case. This is where being more self aware comes in handy. I know that I myself can be "a lot" I've personally fully embraced it and know that means that I'm not for everyone and that's fine by me. However, I also know not to overwhelm someone brand new to me with *allll* of my "a lot" in the first five minutes.

 

[s_****]

as a bi nonbinary person most of the debates above are kind of beyond me/my experience, so i thought i'd add another perspective
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the first messages i like to send are the same i also like to get - personal, kind, but with one foot firmly outside the door. so like "hi! i came across your profile and really like X and Y about it, you seem like a cool person. i'd love to chat with you about Z, i think we might match up well in that regard :) feel free to check out my profile and either way, i hope you have a great day and find what you're looking for!"
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make a personal direct connection to their profile / make clear why you are texting *them* in particular. be kind, respectful, open. make it clear that they don't owe you a response (or anything really). i don't think my humour works well with new people, but i do enjoy some clever wordplay, reference, or silly joke in a first message to me.
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i guess it boils down to: i try to be respectful, be myself, and talk to *them* aka reference a couple things they've shared about themselves. that's it 🤷🏼

[TK****]

Hmmm to be honest I could use some advice here because I honestly don’t know how to initiate these conversations. I’m more familiar with apps like tinder and OkCupid. Please let me know! & thanks for what you wrote above. I liked the advice about saying I’d like to talk with you about Z.