Conflicted about impact play

[Undersated]

Hi. I'm new to this site, but an experienced impact top. It is a small miracle when compatible others find each other, and the odds get even longer when you throw a set of BDSM preferences into the mix. To make a dad joke: you're finding that people use inconceivable a lot, but it does not mean what they think it means.

You go for rapport first; I totally get that; I live in demisexual land myself. But you enjoy a thing that requires both a skill and a mindset from your partner. An inexperienced person isn't going to know where not to hit you, or how to check in, or what aftercare is, or what questions to ask because all of it is different for every bottom. And they might not even enjoy it. It took me until about age 40 to get over life-long conditioning that you never, ever, ever hit a woman even with consent.

I can only guess at what you're feeling. My guess is: you really like impact (and all that goes with it), and your recent experiences are confusing because they're not registering as "real" impact play deep down in your brain, because maybe you can't let go and lose yourself in the experience because you're your own guardian right now. Don't doubt yourself. You're superwoman! But man, wouldn't it be nice to not have to be?

Look for rapport. Then look for the top skills you want. If you find rapport without the top skills, cool, just don't do impact. Maybe, too, think about how you might search for partners in a way that makes it more likely they have top skills, when you find rapport. Don't doubt yourself - but be true to yourself.

[Jaguar54]

I'm new to this site and still feeling my way around, but the responses to this question are superb, imho. There is really nothing I can add to what has already been said, except to say that my gut reaction is that of basic incompatibility, probably not in vanilla world, but in your specific needs. They have gone through the right motions (more or less) but missed the mark in the way you need to experience it. If you plan to continue with the same partner, then you must communicate your needs better. And if they don't 'get it', it is probably not within them.

[Deleted Member]

Tuesday at 09:11 PM, FatefulDestiny said:

I get where you’re coming from with this. I’m assuming (although I know one never ought to) that by “shape” you mean tell them what you need and/or guide them to what you need in the hope they will be able to embrace it and provide it??

Shaping someone and changing someone are 2 very different things. For example I know some of the things I need to help me feel safe and secure and ultimately be in the mindset to submit. If those aren’t in place and I care enough about the person I will try to ask for them (although I’m not awfully good at that). If that person can’t or doesn’t want to try to grow with me and learn me and make us stronger then I have to decide whether they are indeed right for me.

As a general rule I play with Doms on the more experienced end of the spectrum and as such they often have their own ways of doing things that they’re happy with. Sometimes this works for me, often it doesn’t but the ability to feel safe enough to broach this with them is a fundamental for me. Ultimately they will want to shape me in some way and I want to be shaped in order to be as “good” as possible for them but that is a two way street. It is a dance (as per my first Sir) between 2 people who care enough about each other to want to better their “relationship” and their play.

I don’t believe it’s truly possible to change someone but I do think it’s possible to meet each others needs and be shaped into the best version of yourself (Dom, sub, whatever) for that particular relationship.

Sorry for the ramble, hope it helps x

Thanks for your comments. I absolutely agree that to a certain extent we "shape" each other. In terms of kink and no doubt other ways too. I guess, there's something which makes me shy away from doing that here - an incompatibility I can't put my finger on yet.

[Deleted Member]

Wednesday at 12:55 AM, LARopeTop said:

Hi. I'm new to this site, but an experienced impact top. It is a small miracle when compatible others find each other, and the odds get even longer when you throw a set of BDSM preferences into the mix. To make a dad joke: you're finding that people use inconceivable a lot, but it does not mean what they think it means.

You go for rapport first; I totally get that; I live in demisexual land myself. But you enjoy a thing that requires both a skill and a mindset from your partner. An inexperienced person isn't going to know where not to hit you, or how to check in, or what aftercare is, or what questions to ask because all of it is different for every bottom. And they might not even enjoy it. It took me until about age 40 to get over life-long conditioning that you never, ever, ever hit a woman even with consent.

I can only guess at what you're feeling. My guess is: you really like impact (and all that goes with it), and your recent experiences are confusing because they're not registering as "real" impact play deep down in your brain, because maybe you can't let go and lose yourself in the experience because you're your own guardian right now. Don't doubt yourself. You're superwoman! But man, wouldn't it be nice to not have to be?

Look for rapport. Then look for the top skills you want. If you find rapport without the top skills, cool, just don't do impact. Maybe, too, think about how you might search for partners in a way that makes it more likely they have top skills, when you find rapport. Don't doubt yourself - but be true to yourself.

You're on the button about quite a few things here. Yes I am feeling somewhat lost being my own guardian, as you put it. When that's not what I want. The trouble with this particular "top skill" is that it's risky searching for it. I have learnt from experience to give little away about what I enjoy because when I do, it attracts abusive men. As you say, I look for rapport first but it rarely coincides with overlapping kink.