Is My Thought Process Wrong?

[Bb****]

So I’ve met a few Doms some of them Daddy’s. Everything always starts out great. They are there and give all the attention and care I can imagine. Then the more I try to start getting to know them the more they pull away or don’t talk as much. My thought was that if we clicked on a surface level then to get to the deeper kinks to build that trust we would really have to get to know each other. What I’m experiencing is guys that just want the title of Daddy or Master or whatever. Am I wrong for not just going with it and seeing what happens? Should I not look for getting to know someone? because it honestly does feel like it scares them off. I’ve gotten better at weeding out anyone who ask to come over immediately but idk where else to meet people who are serious about living a life not just playing a title.

[Wi****]

You’re not alone, YokoLehr.
A lot of these Men want validation from Women, and once they get it, they disappear.
These Men aren’t true dominants, or Daddys, just time wasters.

[Robhynne]

Sakura_Princess - I completely agree. YokoLehr - They are like a kid for the day playing Dominant. And I find I still hold all the reigns. (I can submit once I trust the person, the male, I'm with, but that takes time and knowing the real them not the role we will slip into) Either way it's their loss. If they pull away, this is not 50 shades of grey, let them go. They are not worth your time. X

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, Sakura_Princess said:

You’re not alone, YokoLehr.
A lot of these Men want validation from Women, and once they get it, they disappear.
These Men aren’t true dominants, or Daddys, just time wasters.

Completely agree. A lot of people who are dabbling in kink are just doing it to get laid, and not interested in a deeper connection.

[EmilyDDD]

It's part of the vetting process. When I am looking for someone, I let them know that I want a relationship. I'm not looking for just a play partner (which is what I'm understanding you want, though I could be wrong).

I am very direct in my communication, which quite frankly could be my Domme. But I find it useful to say I expect a, b, and c and will not tolerate x, y, and z. And have the communication early.

Then when someone doesn't work out, it's less time wasted in my end.

[Ny****]

I just believe a lot of men just wanna have a quick f*ck than dip.. that's why I don't normally try to talk to anyone. Or if I do I just have a normal conversation. Then get into the kinks and what I do as a Dom if it goes great.. sometimes I wonder if this app is just a hang out app lol. Don't worry there is a lot of great people in this app just like the first commenter said. Just a lot of time wasters on here. Which is sad. Just gonna look out for them and ignore them

[Mx****]

This seems to be the same whether people are dom or sub. I've run into countless subs on here who talk the talk but either talk sex a bunch then ghost or lead on for ages and disappear around the meeting phase. It's part of the plight

[Deleted Member]

The title must be earned, nobody should impose it, the same way trust and respect are earned not demanded nor bought.
Yes, sadly you'll find many kids running around just wanting a quick thing, like there are many submissives that read 50 shades of gray, and claim they have no limits, so this is not a you problem, this is a general communication problem.
Make sure to set your expectations from the get go.

[ti****]

try being a switch and not a sub that goes with anything the guy says. go for switch men like myself

[ge****]

I would see it as a blessing to be honest - if they lose interest because *you* want to take *your* time then they weren't a good match in the first place - never compromise on your own ground rules that mean something to you, or be told you're wrong for doing so.

[Deleted Member]

You're not wrong. Too many guys are claiming to be Dom's because they think it will get them laid. Submission is earned. Just like trust. They just want the title without earning your submission. Please read my profile if you get a chance

[ti****]

sakrua princes false. alot are sub men that look for dommes that don’t exist :/

[Deleted Member]

Anyone who doesn't take time to get to know you before jumping into something spicy isn't looking after your best interest. I've always said that if they don't know your favorite color, food, and who your first kiss was then they shouldn't expect to be called Daddy or Master. Submission is earned not expected.

[St****]

A lot of great feedback here and I agree that I have that conversation upfront if that something you're looking for so that both parties can make the decision if it's something they want.

Great conversation by the way

[Sl****]

Yeh, you get fellas that get their dom starter kits, the beard, some edgy photography, learn some of the lingo and think they are good to go. I think some of them feel powerless outside of kink so this is their opportunity to flex some of that.

Some of them think dating someone kinky is an easy shag.

Some of them might mean we'll but have no clue.

Some of them like being able to say "I want (insert sexual act)" and get it.

What alot of them don't realise is how deep some people get Into this lifestyle, and don't realise the trust that is being given to them, and intentionally or unintentionally *** that trust.

Through forums like "fetlife" I have seen the damage done to some subs who have given everything to just be discarded, then what follows is a long period of subs wondering how and why, feeling like they did everything within their power to be left again, and not knowing how to move forward. As it seems to be quite common that this kink stems from abandonment, feeling abandoned again when you have done everything in your power to please someone cam be very damaging.

It leaves alot of submissives damaged.

For me, it's not a 24/7 lifestyle yet, it's something I enjoy experimenting with sexually.

But I'm 100% honest about that and communicate honestly with people I play with.

It's not just a way to get laid. if it was, I could just lie my way Into people's pants.

Maybe it might be deeper for me at a later stage? For it to be I'd have to really meet someone that I really connect with (not just because of the kink), somebody I know that I plan on investing in a future with.

Someone I feel an intense attraction to that aligns with me personality wise.

With that in place I'd be interested in taking it further as I would invest the time into working out how to make it more intense for us both, and concerns that could cause issues along the way.

For now, im happy just experimenting and being playful with it. (I'm saying this as a guy and my approach, I don't know if this is helpful)

All I'd suggest is try to watch out for the ones that just want to stick their dick in somebody, if you want someone that takes it seriously spend alot of time vetting them, making sure you get along attraction and personality wise, that you both want to commit to a deeper connection with eachother.

If he likes you for you, and sees a future, he shouldn't mind opening up to you.

If he seems closed off, dismissive, and only interested in you for the sexual act, I wouldn't invest too much time.

[Deleted Member]

This is why you need to state your intentions, wants and needs from the beginning on. Meet up a few times with no expectations or sessions UNTIL you know you are both on the same page. If they really mean it, they will meet up just for coffee and conversation. After that, a contract can be drawn up to set boundaries and goals. The same happens to Doms/Dommes. Little boys want to play with the big girls, but only for some experience and lying to get that one time experience. These days, people are desensitized and don't care about feelings or relationships. Try to weed the wanna-be's out a bit more selectively. Not an easy task, but possible. Good Luck!

[Bb****]

32 minutes ago, EmilyDDD said:

It's part of the vetting process. When I am looking for someone, I let them know that I want a relationship. I'm not looking for just a play partner (which is what I'm understanding you want, though I could be wrong).

I am very direct in my communication, which quite frankly could be my Domme. But I find it useful to say I expect a, b, and c and will not tolerate x, y, and z. And have the communication early.

Then when someone doesn't work out, it's less time wasted in my end.

You remind me of my best friend in saying that. She is a Domme and tells me the same things. I just have to actually put it into practice clearly because I’d very much rather have it not work out that put my all into something that won’t last. A Play partner is not all I want.

[Bb****]

37 minutes ago, Robhynne said:

Sakura_Princess - I completely agree. YokoLehr - They are like a kid for the day playing Dominant. And I find I still hold all the reigns. (I can submit once I trust the person, the male, I'm with, but that takes time and knowing the real them not the role we will slip into) Either way it's their loss. If they pull away, this is not 50 shades of grey, let them go. They are not worth your time. X

The part about you holding the reins is exactly how I feel. It’s like I get sucked in then come up for air just to realize it’s the complete opposite of what I wanted. Getting to know someone takes time and I’ve had 2 guys now try to convince me that I was fully in love with them one I never met in person and the other I didn’t even know his last name. I love love but I can’t really be in love with someone I don’t know fully. Same goes for fully submitting in my mind🤷🏽‍♀️

[sw****]

Yeah it’s so important for me to connect with male doms/female subs on more than just our kink fantasies. In fact, I need it in order to really feel comfortable and get into it. I don’t necessarily need a committed longterm relationship, but I like to know people. I take it as a major red flag if my dom is all robotic like, there must be an effort to get to know me and connect with me in other ways. Dirty chats are fun but I like it balanced out with intellectually stimulating conversion.

[s1****]

you have to get to know them to build trust, so you’re not wrong for wanting to do that. if they’re getting scared off then they must not be the right one in my opinion 💁🏽‍♂️

[CagedClitLvr]

Take notes, take longer to link, take time to vet. I talk weeks months before a meet. I develop feelings before a meet. Sometimes they are local sometimes far. And for every 200 ppl I talk to I may meet 2 and out of em one lasts.

[Re****]

You definitely don’t have it wrong! Ive had doms that ive matched with but they didn’t really pass the in person vibe test. It really takes time to find a good dom and play partner. One month, three months, and a year are generally the biggest hurdles for any relationship and especially a dom/sub. You really need to sort through a lot to find what you like and to find someone who likes you just as much! some people aren’t serious and others just aren’t good matches

[Sh****]

Trust is really important, I’d like to know the person behind the username before I meet them as well, so I certainly think you have the right idea. 

[MassaKING]

8 hours ago, YokoLehr said:

So I’ve met a few Doms some of them Daddy’s. Everything always starts out great. They are there and give all the attention and care I can imagine. Then the more I try to start getting to know them the more they pull away or don’t talk as much. My thought was that if we clicked on a surface level then to get to the deeper kinks to build that trust we would really have to get to know each other. What I’m experiencing is guys that just want the title of Daddy or Master or whatever. Am I wrong for not just going with it and seeing what happens? Should I not look for getting to know someone? because it honestly does feel like it scares them off. I’ve gotten better at weeding out anyone who ask to come over immediately but idk where else to meet people who are serious about living a life not just playing a title.

Well what you described requires a deeper look. Yet things often take time and depth. You wrote "surface level" implying not depth. Being grounded is first and going deeper within yourself, which may be the cause of you coming off needy.  If you wish to know more of my perspective direct message me.

[Ca****]

It's always good to clearly communicate whether you two are looking for short or long term, assuming you both know the answer and are honest enough to communicate it.
It's tough out here to connect no doubt. A positive is that you've actually met some people. Keep learning through your experience.