How do you respond to criticism?

[Deleted Member]

For example if someone calls you a bad sub or dominant - how do you respond? Do you ask calmly why they think that? Do you bristle and get defensive? Throw insults? How easy do you find it to reflect on words you find hard to read or hear?
 

 

[th****]

I have been called very bad things and told I was no good. If you come at me the right way I can take it. But if you don’t, well then watch out.

[St****]

As mean or as nice as a criticism may sound, the majority of the time, there’s a level of truth to it. Learn from it regardless of how it sounds. If someone says “you’re wasting your life with video games you loser”, or someone says “hey man I love you but you should play a tiny bit Less video games,” the message is the same. This isn’t about video games.

[Al****]

I usually turn the *** up a notch or two.

[Deleted Member]

Depends on the rapport we have and how they present it.

If it's a service top that is essentially a FWB and they're being caustic, I walk. There's no reason for that.

If it's reasonable, and sandwiched, then we talk and if he's right then I make corrections.

[Deleted Member]

I bristle, but I listen. It's never easy to hear something that goes against your self view. That being said it also depends on the manner it's said in, because no one should make you feel less. It's a fine line we all walk because all things can be true.

[Au****]

It depends on how they told you. If they were rude about it despite giving your best efforts, they probably aren't worth your time to begin with. If they approach it as if they actually care, ask them what they think you could do better.

Kink in the end is about caring for your partner, you do the things they enjoy because you care about how they feel and vice versa. If they don't care leave, if they care, ask their input. Communication is the most important tool in a fetishist's toolbox.

[Nikki_Hexy]

Personally i have Autism, took me a long time of many bad experiences involving denial, false expectations and misunderstandings with the simplest of scenarios to learn that i dont see the world like (for lack of a better term) 'normal' people do.
I used to get angry and feel like everything was some kind of personal attack, i'd shout kick and scream because i didn't understand why people thought i was a "bad person" or bad at something.
After growing and learning more about myself i realised that i am very different to normal people, and yes i use the word normal because to use any other term such as healthy or unaflicted would indicate that i am just ill and can take a couple of pills and be cured and how ironically i do wish that was the case.
I now value other peoples opinions and views of those i consider close friends.
I was once told that sometimes what you want to hear and what you need to hear are not the same thing. I didnt understand that until around 5 or 6 years ago, now it is advice i try to live by

[It****]

There are a lot of factors to be considered. Why do they think so? How did they tell you? Are they experienced? Can I learn something from what they say?

If an experienced sub tries to explain to me what has been done wrong in order for both to do it better the next time, I'll gladly listen and adjust my behaviour.

If someone new to the lifestyle tries to tell me that I'm a bad Dom because I didn't live up to their expectations or don't incarnate their idea of a Dom, I'll laugh and leave.

I have years of experience on my back, I know what I'm doing. I do have my ways, but there's always an adjustment phase in the beginning of the dynamic. I'll listen to any corrections and accept if a sub tells me that I'm not the Dom for them. There are so many shades of being a Dom and many of being a sub. Incompatibility is to be considered. But does that mean that you're a bad Dom/sub? No, you're just in the wrong place. A Ferrari is a powerful and beautiful car, but it's not gonna do great in a mud field. A range rover can cross any terrain, but will struggle in a small city. Everyone is different, with different needs and desires.

There are bad Doms and bad subs, but there are also Doms/subs that won't recognize your value. Listening and discussion are fundamental to grow, but it's also important to know when you're in the wrong place

[GL****]

I’m actually going through this right now! I had somebody I connected with and we vibed really well. Conversation was almost nonstop. She turned a kinda bad day I was having into a really great ending of the night. She loved my pics and bio so much, she just messaged me before getting to my height. She is 5’ 10. I just had this feeling like she didn’t know how tall I was. Sure enough I was right. She has never been with someone shorter than her. Short guys are like big girls, we are good in bed because we put in that extra effort. She let me down gently and was really nice and honest about it. I was totally ok with it. I’m confident about what I bring to the table. What is funny about that is, just before reading this, I messaged her to ask, after not talking for a few days because we agreed we would be friends, if it’s a in public thing or an actual physical thing. The connection was so good I just had to find out. I can completely understand in public. For her… I would keep it private if she can get past the physical. Wish me luck lol

I know I’m not for every woman. You aren’t going to learn and grow as a person if you take shit wrong and go defensive. We are a group of people who like special tastes and experiences in life. We should all have respect for each other regardless of how we wanna be treated.

[ge****]

Very much depends on the criticism, the circumstance, the delivery and more - regardless of whether it's D/s related or otherwise - sometimes I'll bristle, other times I'll listen, accept and learn, sometimes I'll offer my own perspective and other times I'll come out all guns blazing.

[TheBookCollector]

It depends on the context and who is saying it.
.
If its a current/ex partner/friend then ill ask for more details.
.
Otherwise ill nod polietly and tell them theyre entitled to an opinion and tell them to jog on 9/10 times.

[GL****]

27 minutes ago, gemini_man said:

Very much depends on the criticism, the circumstance, the delivery and more - regardless of whether it's D/s related or otherwise - sometimes I'll bristle, other times I'll listen, accept and learn, sometimes I'll offer my own perspective and other times I'll come out all guns blazing.

It’s the Gemini in you lol. I’ve seen quite a few of your perspectives and have appreciated all of them. Most people would benefit from it if they actually listened to it.
I always lead with respect. Not just anyone gets to see my darker side. It protected me in my younger years and so now I protect it. It’s retired now and living the golden years through my sessions lol. No need to bring it out for someone who can’t understand or appreciate it. It is better off in retirement unless it’s a life and death situation lol. I got that alligator skin brother.

[ey****]

it's all down to context

I mean, firstly none of us are ever above criticism, but it's always look at the context - the who, the why, what their relationship is

someone I'm playing with, a ***r, etc, then - well - feedback is part of things and it's scope to improve

if it's some rando on the internet who is salty - maybe not worth listening

 

[CopperKnob]

Generally, criticism needs to be constructive for it to be accepted. It needs not to be based on assumptions or accusations but open and transparent conversation in which 2 or more people have the opportunity to ask/answer.
  .
Online, reading and comprehension ability comes into play. People don't read or read with their own bias. They respond with judgement/passive aggressive comments rather than to enquire
.
I'm certain that all here are guiltily of that whether we accept or even acknowledge it.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, thebigbadwolf said:

I have been called very bad things and told I was no good. If you come at me the right way I can take it. But if you don’t, well then watch out.

Ah. Could you describe "the right way"?

[Deleted Member]

49 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

It depends on the context and who is saying it.
.
If its a current/ex partner/friend then ill ask for more details.
.
Otherwise ill nod polietly and tell them theyre entitled to an opinion and tell them to jog on 9/10 times.

9/10 times? That's precise 😂. What if a stranger had something valid to say, something that might be constructive? Or would you never take their opinion on board because ..well, they don't know you, I guess.

[Se****]

Constructive criticism given with no malice or ill intent or underlying “tone” is absolutely necessary for everyone at some point.

Constructive criticism (imo) involves the giver taking time to think about what they’re saying and ensure it is being said “from a place of love”. It then requires an open and honest conversation along the lines of:

I think… “x” because… y (the because is very important - there needs to be valid reasons).

Have you noticed this at all?

Do you want to discuss it further?/how does this make you feel?

I have some thoughts/ideas that could help if you’d like to hear them?

Importantly the conversation ought to be left open so that it can be revisited should the receiver not wish to discuss things immediately.

Criticism given well (can lead) leads to self inspection and offers opportunities for self improvement or the ability to cement one’s initial sense of self and confirm that change is not needed because “you” are happy with yourself.

Criticism given without context is unhelpful at best, but generally rude and unnecessary. It happens frequently online due to the safety and anonymity of a screen/keyboard - I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it more than once.

However, criticism in and of itself is a very negative word with negative associations/connotations and perhaps we’d more readily receive information if the term feedback (for example) was used.

I’ll be very honest and say I don’t deal with criticism well. Not that I get defensive per se (although I absolutely can), more that it leads me to wonder what’s wrong with me? why am I not good enough? Why didn’t I do/say x, y, z or act like a, b, c? I am exceptionally self critical, which is not a good thing, and hearing criticism from outside sources sometimes appears to validate my own critical thoughts.

 

[GL****]

6 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Constructive criticism given with no malice or ill intent or underlying “tone” is absolutely necessary for everyone at some point.

Constructive criticism (imo) involves the giver taking time to think about what they’re saying and ensure it is being said “from a place of love”. It then requires an open and honest conversation along the lines of:

I think… “x” because… y (the because is very important - there needs to be valid reasons).

Have you noticed this at all?

Do you want to discuss it further?/how does this make you feel?

I have some thoughts/ideas that could help if you’d like to hear them?

Importantly the conversation ought to be left open so that it can be revisited should the receiver not wish to discuss things immediately.

Criticism given well (can lead) leads to self inspection and offers opportunities for self improvement or the ability to cement one’s initial sense of self and confirm that change is not needed because “you” are happy with yourself.

Criticism given without context is unhelpful at best, but generally rude and unnecessary. It happens frequently online due to the safety and anonymity of a screen/keyboard - I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it more than once.

However, criticism in and of itself is a very negative word with negative associations/connotations and perhaps we’d more readily receive information if the term feedback (for example) was used.

I’ll be very honest and say I don’t deal with criticism well. Not that I get defensive per se (although I absolutely can), more that it leads me to wonder what’s wrong with me? why am I not good enough? Why didn’t I do/say x, y, z or act like a, b, c? I am exceptionally self critical, which is not a good thing, and hearing criticism from outside sources sometimes appears to validate my own critical thoughts.

 

Great perspective!

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Alphawolf87 said:

I usually turn the *** up a notch or two.

😱

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, Steven43 said:

As mean or as nice as a criticism may sound, the majority of the time, there’s a level of truth to it. Learn from it regardless of how it sounds. If someone says “you’re wasting your life with video games you loser”, or someone says “hey man I love you but you should play a tiny bit Less video games,” the message is the same. This isn’t about video games.

Closest to my perspective I think. If it's a repeated criticism from whoever, hard as it is to hear - there's some truth there

[TheBookCollector]

2 hours ago, inconceivable said:

9/10 times? That's precise 😂. What if a stranger had something valid to say, something that might be constructive? Or would you never take their opinion on board because ..well, they don't know you, I guess.

As i said context is everything, if it was a random stranger id do exactly as stated, if it was a member of a dungeon safety team id listen. However it is incredubly difficult to judge a couples dynamic as an outsider. As a stranger have no idea about how that couples dynamic works what each persons kinks are etc.
.
Therefore how can a stranger who doesnt know me or my partner or the agreements we have in place state whether i am or am not a good or bad dominant?
.
Example, a couple are playing in a club the sub spaces and the dom releases her from equipment, guides her to a seat gives her a water bottle and walks off to get himself a drink and chat with friends elsewhere for 30 minutes. Does a stranger have a right to step in and critisize?
.
Example 2 : a couple are playing, using kinbaku and suspension, a person stands on the edge and is discussing how he is doing it wrong, or grabs the dom/top after and starts to berate the dom for unsafe practices.
.
Example 3, a couple are playing a hard core cnc scene, the couple have cleared it with the club and explained what will happen, the sub is screaming 'no' and 'stop' but not using thier safeword. Is the dom/top continues, is the dom a bad dom.
.
These are real situations ive come across in clubs.

[Deleted Member]

6 hours ago, AuburnTwink69420 said:

It depends on how they told you. If they were rude about it despite giving your best efforts, they probably aren't worth your time to begin with. If they approach it as if they actually care, ask them what they think you could do better.

Kink in the end is about caring for your partner, you do the things they enjoy because you care about how they feel and vice versa. If they don't care leave, if they care, ask their input. Communication is the most important tool in a fetishist's toolbox.

I didn't specifically mean between partners but it can be so much harder to raise a problem with one can't it? If feelings are involved, even a gentle criticism can feel hurtful.

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, TheBookCollector said:

As i said context is everything, if it was a random stranger id do exactly as stated, if it was a member of a dungeon safety team id listen. However it is incredubly difficult to judge a couples dynamic as an outsider. As a stranger have no idea about how that couples dynamic works what each persons kinks are etc.
.
Therefore how can a stranger who doesnt know me or my partner or the agreements we have in place state whether i am or am not a good or bad dominant?
.
Example, a couple are playing in a club the sub spaces and the dom releases her from equipment, guides her to a seat gives her a water bottle and walks off to get himself a drink and chat with friends elsewhere for 30 minutes. Does a stranger have a right to step in and critisize?
.
Example 2 : a couple are playing, using kinbaku and suspension, a person stands on the edge and is discussing how he is doing it wrong, or grabs the dom/top after and starts to berate the dom for unsafe practices.
.
Example 3, a couple are playing a hard core cnc scene, the couple have cleared it with the club and explained what will happen, the sub is screaming 'no' and 'stop' but not using thier safeword. Is the dom/top continues, is the dom a bad dom.
.
These are real situations ive come across in clubs.

Yes, absolutely - context matters. And I've read/heard of similar situations where people think they can step in to judge scenes in clubs. I'm not a club goer. I was more interested in your reaction. Did you mean you'd tell someone to jog on in that kind of situation?

[Je****]

24 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

Constructive criticism given with no malice or ill intent or underlying “tone” is absolutely necessary for everyone at some point.

Constructive criticism (imo) involves the giver taking time to think about what they’re saying and ensure it is being said “from a place of love”. It then requires an open and honest conversation along the lines of:

I think… “x” because… y (the because is very important - there needs to be valid reasons).

Have you noticed this at all?

Do you want to discuss it further?/how does this make you feel?

I have some thoughts/ideas that could help if you’d like to hear them?

Importantly the conversation ought to be left open so that it can be revisited should the receiver not wish to discuss things immediately.

Criticism given well (can lead) leads to self inspection and offers opportunities for self improvement or the ability to cement one’s initial sense of self and confirm that change is not needed because “you” are happy with yourself.

Criticism given without context is unhelpful at best, but generally rude and unnecessary. It happens frequently online due to the safety and anonymity of a screen/keyboard - I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it more than once.

However, criticism in and of itself is a very negative word with negative associations/connotations and perhaps we’d more readily receive information if the term feedback (for example) was used.

I’ll be very honest and say I don’t deal with criticism well. Not that I get defensive per se (although I absolutely can), more that it leads me to wonder what’s wrong with me? why am I not good enough? Why didn’t I do/say x, y, z or act like a, b, c? I am exceptionally self critical, which is not a good thing, and hearing criticism from outside sources sometimes appears to validate my own critical thoughts.

 

👌