Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead

[Ja****]

Problem is that (I'll be generous) in 70% of interactions that I've had where I have said: Thanks but no thanks. Responders have felt the need to say "Well you don't even know me" even when I point out their profile specifically points out polar opposite of needs / wants / expectations.

I have met a few kinksters though the app and know they appreciate a no thanks so they can end that thought process, however, as a sub female, I know that ignoring a message actually causes me a lot less hassle than engaging in a polite no thanks.

[CopperKnob]

6 hours ago, DaddyDomAlex31 said:

i hate ghosting i ve had it a lot more recently by people not just on here but on other dating formats and other social medias. i don't get it to me it's very rude, if they are not interested then they should say so. it is starting to get to me and it's a horrible feeling. i usually get i dont have time to reply which utter BS, i have a very demanding and busy job and yet i have a couple of seconds to reply there isn't for me an excuse

See, here's the thing. People want people to respond to their unsolicited messages but, when someone denies your advances letting you know they have no intention of continuing the converation due to a lack of time which is valid, you decry "utter BS"
So, what you actually mean is, you think it's "utter BS" that no one is giving you they time and your response rate to, unsolicited mail, is lower than you'd hope for.

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, 4RCH said:

So I see it’s as I predicted with the discussion turning to complaints about the lack of response to those unsolicited advances. 

SURPRISE!!

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, DaddysHere2please said:

So what’s wrong with feedback and then using the thanks but no thanks button provided by this site? That’s still closure without ghosting. Instead we are feeding into people’s triggers and insecurities

No, using the 'thanks no thanks' button doesn't provide closure. We've seen it here in comments. People have declined to enter a conversation due to their lack of time and yet the person on the end of that message felt it nessecary to suggest it was BS.
The 'thanks but no thanks button' doesn't provide the 'why' which is what most are apparently hankering after. Nothing more than entitlement on their part.

[CopperKnob]

4 hours ago, DaddysHere2please said:

Absolutely true. In this lifestyle it requires MORE honesty and MORE communication. How can we claim to be a safe space but then act like all the other sites and people around?
This was hoping to be more of a call to action on our part…
We should know better

In this 'lifestyle' (christ), it requires more honesty and open communication for someone I'm in an invested, intimate relationship with.
That's not what's being discussed here within the comments. Clearly.

[Be****]

@Aranhis i dont think ghosting used casually. Lets say you went to a bdsm orientated cafe and you started to talk with someone and the conversation started to bore you. Do you just disappear to thin air ? No . You either show some excuse and say goodbye and leave, or you kindly show to the person that you do not want to prolong the conversation. Even you stand up and say nothing and leave that is also a response. You can not ghost in real life.

[CopperKnob]

I'm also putting this out there, the most dangerous time for those in a DA relationship is the leaving. It's when the *** escalates significantly. 'Ghosting' is absolutely appropriate in those instances.

[Da****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

Other people's mental health or abandonment issues are of no concerns to me. That sounds harsh but it's absolutely the truth or the matter.
I have my own things to work on and my own family/friends colleagues that I support in a way that helps them grow as individuals/ensured that their needs are met. I'm sorry that not everyone has their own support network to assist them with that but it's not my job to do that for everyone. Adults have their own responsibility/accountability to work on themselves having identified their flaws themselves. Stop asking or relying on others/relative strangers to do that for you. We do not need the additional emotional labour.
It has nothing to do with the BDSM 'community' when most here aren't in the real life community. It's widespread across all OLD sites. But it's also not solely on OLD sites it's across society.
Take responsibility for your own actions, your own wellbeing, do the self reflection, work on yourselves and grow as an individual. Maybe, having done that, people wouldn't be 'ghosted' as frequently as they're claiming.

So at no point in getting to know someone, conversations you have or getting them to be into you, nothing is your responsibility?
That’s definitely a YOU problem. Your entire premise is laughable as you are placing the blame on the person that gets ghosted, when it’s just as plausible that they hooked up with a runner that bails when anyone gets close.
Your attempt at acting like you have it all together and looking down on others says a lot about you.
Hopefully you continue to work on yourself but I can assure you if you have allowed someone to become emotionally invested in you, which is the kind of ghosting that was referred to.
Then you definitely owe them some closure. Maybe one day you’ll see how arrogant you sound, but then again you probably won’t since im sure you rarely take accountability for anything rhat goes wrong cause im sure its everyone elses fault

[Da****]

1 hour ago, Jay-el-Bird said:

Problem is that (I'll be generous) in 70% of interactions that I've had where I have said: Thanks but no thanks. Responders have felt the need to say "Well you don't even know me" even when I point out their profile specifically points out polar opposite of needs / wants / expectations.

I have met a few kinksters though the app and know they appreciate a no thanks so they can end that thought process, however, as a sub female, I know that ignoring a message actually causes me a lot less hassle than engaging in a polite no thanks.

theresba thanks but no thanks buttob where u block them, suggestion is use that. its clear and concise on your end and they cant rebutt

[Da****]

15 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I'm also putting this out there, the most dangerous time for those in a DA relationship is the leaving. It's when the *** escalates significantly. 'Ghosting' is absolutely appropriate in those instances.

You keep trying to justify different types but if you read and payed attention I am referring to a very specific, your intention is to try and seem right and not come off like a frigid B, of course I’d never advocate for anyone to stay in a harmful place when it is clear by the original point I was calling for people to be more real, and even thoughtful.

[De****]

“Connection” is a pretty nebulous term. To me that could be six months of talking to someone else it could be six messages. Honesty and communication is important, but so is consent. Someone may no longer give you consent to talk to them.

[Da****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

No, using the 'thanks no thanks' button doesn't provide closure. We've seen it here in comments. People have declined to enter a conversation due to their lack of time and yet the person on the end of that message felt it nessecary to suggest it was BS.
The 'thanks but no thanks button' doesn't provide the 'why' which is what most are apparently hankering after. Nothing more than entitlement on their part.

If you use that button it blocks the person, they can’t respond unless they are just saying thanks but no thanks

[Da****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

In this 'lifestyle' (christ), it requires more honesty and open communication for someone I'm in an invested, intimate relationship with.
That's not what's being discussed here within the comments. Clearly.

It was made clear after my initial post where a question was asked what I was referring to, it’s not my fault you don’t wanna read it all, but you wanna get random points across that aren’t even part of this

[4R****]

5 minutes ago, DaddysHere2please said:

It was made clear after my initial post where a question was asked what I was referring to, it’s not my fault you don’t wanna read it all, but you wanna get random points across that aren’t even part of this

Actually I pointed out not very long ago that what I predicted would happen (people complaining about initial messages) - has happened.
And THAT is what Copper is referring to. 

I think possibly people need to chill out a bit as this discussion appears to be becoming rather heated for some reason.

[CopperKnob]

37 minutes ago, BelayaAkula said:

@Aranhis i dont think ghosting used casually. Lets say you went to a bdsm orientated cafe and you started to talk with someone and the conversation started to bore you. Do you just disappear to thin air ? No . You either show some excuse and say goodbye and leave, or you kindly show to the person that you do not want to prolong the conversation. Even you stand up and say nothing and leave that is also a response. You can not ghost in real life.

Sometimes, I kindly show the person I'm no longer interested in prolonging the conversation by walking off and chatting to someone else. In fact, I have done it kink event or otherwise.
Again, no one owes you their time or n explanation. If sometime is giving me red flags I'll move on without either.

[CopperKnob]

16 minutes ago, DaddysHere2please said:

So at no point in getting to know someone, conversations you have or getting them to be into you, nothing is your responsibility?
That’s definitely a YOU problem. Your entire premise is laughable as you are placing the blame on the person that gets ghosted, when it’s just as plausible that they hooked up with a runner that bails when anyone gets close.
Your attempt at acting like you have it all together and looking down on others says a lot about you.
Hopefully you continue to work on yourself but I can assure you if you have allowed someone to become emotionally invested in you, which is the kind of ghosting that was referred to.
Then you definitely owe them some closure. Maybe one day you’ll see how arrogant you sound, but then again you probably won’t since im sure you rarely take accountability for anything rhat goes wrong cause im sure its everyone elses fault

Incorrect, I mentioned in my response I have my own stuff to work on and no, I have no responsibility to anyone in the getting to know them stage. Why is that so difficult to understand. Its not a me problem, its a fact of life. If someone is giving me red flags then yep, it's their issue if I ghost them particularly when they come to the forums to whine about it.
Attacking someone in forums for having a different opinion, good one!

[CopperKnob]

11 minutes ago, DaddysHere2please said:

If you use that button it blocks the person, they can’t respond unless they are just saying thanks but no thanks

Reading comprehension is useful here. The point is it doesn't give them the 'why' so many are apparently desperate for.

[CopperKnob]

10 minutes ago, DaddysHere2please said:

It was made clear after my initial post where a question was asked what I was referring to, it’s not my fault you don’t wanna read it all, but you wanna get random points across that aren’t even part of this

I read it all. I'm referring to the comments section.
Random points would be to take the post of topic. I've not done that

[ge****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

Apologies that I 'ghosted' you when I didn't reply to the emoji you sent me a few weeks back 🙄😉

👻👻👻👻👻

[ge****]

37 minutes ago, DaddysHere2please said:

So at no point in getting to know someone, conversations you have or getting them to be into you, nothing is your responsibility?
That’s definitely a YOU problem. Your entire premise is laughable as you are placing the blame on the person that gets ghosted, when it’s just as plausible that they hooked up with a runner that bails when anyone gets close.
Your attempt at acting like you have it all together and looking down on others says a lot about you.
Hopefully you continue to work on yourself but I can assure you if you have allowed someone to become emotionally invested in you, which is the kind of ghosting that was referred to.
Then you definitely owe them some closure. Maybe one day you’ll see how arrogant you sound, but then again you probably won’t since im sure you rarely take accountability for anything rhat goes wrong cause im sure its everyone elses fault

"You have allowed someone to become emotionally invested in you" - an interesting point which actually comes back to one I made earlier about emotional investment - which happens all too often on sites like this, one person "becomes" emotionally invested not because they've been encouraged to be, or even "allowed" to be, by another person, but because they themselves have read too much into something, or have taken things out of context, or are perhaps that guy that has struggled to strike up a conversation previously - and that is often the root of the problem, not "ghosting" but people having far greater expectations than they really should have.
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As I said way up there, there is of course a balance when the scales may tip towards ghosting but that tipping point isn't after a few messages, or even many messages, it's when *both* people involved are equally invested in something and then one suddenly breaks the contact with no reason.
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And even then there are many valid reasons that the contact may be broken without another word, abusive behaviour, red flags, weird behaviour, information coming to light not previously disclosed and more are all examples.
.
I don't deny ghosting for the wrong reasons happens too, but I don't think it's anywhere near as prevalent as this thread suggests and most definitely not an "epidemic"

[Pi****]

I mean - not answering an initial overture is your option. No need to engage in conversation with someone who is obviously not what you’re looking for. That’s why I love the “no thanks and hide” option. Ghosting that I have a problem with is when a sub begins talking to me- we seem to be clicking but then he can’t be bothered to talk to me for a few weeks and comes back acting like I should just accept that kind of behavior. Or the other kind where you e gone through everything in text and on the phone meet for the first time and then afterwards they simply disappear with no explanation. They even delete their profile before they have driven away. Talk about rude af.

[ge****]

4 hours ago, DaddysHere2please said:

I’m not speaking of initial random messages and reaching out. If you had read the entirety you’d know that’s not what I meant. I am speaking when time has been invested to get to know someone. I’m speaking when there’s enough there to make a person wonder what they did. Obviously I prefer a message that would explain, especially when it could just be the other person’s insecurities, and then a thank but no thanks if they think I’d get some kinda way!
I don’t send random messages to people with any expectations…
But I can tell you’re one of these people that’s gonna respond and try and argue a point that was never made.
My point was as a kink community, knowing many people found their way here through certain hurts, and probably have some issues…
That being kind enough to let a person know why and then wishing them luck and saying thanks but no thanks vs triggering their issues with abandon or otherwise. We should be a more caring and welcoming community…
Not just like everyone else

And if *you* had read the entirety of the thread you would see I actually posted very early on and have clearly been following it from pretty much the start - but that's semantics.
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I know you started off stating you weren't talking about initial or random messages - but the thread has come to encompass them also by other users and indeed a couple of posts you've made - so it's important to address that angle also.
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You've also obviously not read my other posts where I've said there is a balance between when something is ghosting and when it isn't, and that there are times when it is acceptable to do so, and others where it isn't.
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Then there's the point I also made where I said that sometimes the issue is one person may be more emotionally invested than the other, not because the other has encouraged or allowed it but because the one who's got invested has taken things out of context or read things into a situation that simply aren't there.
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Ultimately though what purpose does having an explanation for not wanting to continue contact serve? It doesn't change a thing and may sting just as much as being left wondering.
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Finally the "Thanks but no thanks" button is about as much use as a chocolate tea pot - *all* it does is stop people messaging - it doesn't prevent them viewing your profile or leaving comments on pictures etc - so by using it all it will do is see the most determined moving to do that to the point they get blocked completely. But the thing about that is it places the onus on the recipient to take action, when they really have no need to.
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As I said if people just accepted someone is not interested and took no response as a no thanks that's all it would take.
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I'd be interested in knowing how you define the point at which "there's enough there to make a person wonder what they did"? And is that point a mutual one, or a one sided one as perceived by the person wondering?

[YorkshireBiker]

There seems to be 3 different conversations mixing together here

Not replying to someone’s attempt to DM - I don’t think that’s ghosting so not really the point of the post

A bit of chit chat coming to an end - not specifically ghosting either but some people might feel ghosted weather justified or not  

Blocking/Ignoring someone after a connection has been made - I think this is the type of ghosting that would, on the face of it, be worthy of a reason unless it’s a safety issue. I’d still like to know though if I’ve done or said something that’s set off a red flag, or fight or flight response so I could learn from my mistake.

 

[Ar****]

2 hours ago, BelayaAkula said:

@Aranhis i dont think ghosting used casually. Lets say you went to a bdsm orientated cafe and you started to talk with someone and the conversation started to bore you. Do you just disappear to thin air ? No . You either show some excuse and say goodbye and leave, or you kindly show to the person that you do not want to prolong the conversation. Even you stand up and say nothing and leave that is also a response. You can not ghost in real life.

Thank you 💜

You have highlighted here the very point I made earlier.

When somebody goes out "in real life" whether to a BDSM-oriented café or anywhere else, even if they start talking to another person and only to disappear on them after an amount of conversation, that is not ghosting. That's just not carrying on a conversation, not continuing to get to know somebody, not maintaining social norms. It might be considered rude in certain circumstances or settings, but is entirely different to ghosting somebody.

Whereas people absolutely can ghost in real life. That's where it originated, back before online dating was such an industry and you might instead hear tales of partners nipping out to the shops and then never returning/being heard from again.

Trust me, if your partner you've made plans for your future with decides one day that they're going to vanish from all the media you have contact with them on without explanation - and I hope they never do - you'll have a better idea of what ghosting is.

[ge****]

18 minutes ago, YorkshireBiker said:

There seems to be 3 different conversations mixing together here

Not replying to someone’s attempt to DM - I don’t think that’s ghosting so not really the point of the post

A bit of chit chat coming to an end - not specifically ghosting either but some people might feel ghosted weather justified or not  

Blocking/Ignoring someone after a connection has been made - I think this is the type of ghosting that would, on the face of it, be worthy of a reason unless it’s a safety issue. I’d still like to know though if I’ve done or said something that’s set off a red flag, or fight or flight response so I could learn from my mistake.

 

Whilst I agree pretty much with your three categorisations the last one still requires some definition - because the connection has to be two-way for it to be ghosting.
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A lot of the time on sites like this the "connection" is perceived to be there by one side but not the other, the other seeing it as more chit chat back and forth.