Ghosting - Let’s be Open and Honest Instead

[Co****]

46 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

You would be very incorrect about the "unwarranted" part. 

To the extent that is true (and I’m sure it is for some people) those people have no one but themselves to blame. If you simply cannot take no for an answer, you shouldn’t expect any answer at all. It’s frustrating to tell someone something - especially about my feelings or preferences- only to have them argue the point as if they might know better what I want or feel.

[Ar****]

On 3/18/2024 at 8:35 AM, Buddhaboy666 said:

Id just like a response. I say hi and then nothing. A no thank you or not interested would be a step up...

Are you just saying hi, or are you giving them more to go on? It doesn't have to be everything/War And Peace (and maybe you are giving them more), but either an introduction about yourself, or something telling the person why they've caught your interest/why you're messaging them goes such a long way.

As an example, I think the most recent four "cold" messages (i.e. introductions when there has been no previous contact/communication in the forums and we don't have mutual friends or such) I've received from women here have been along the Hi/Hey line. I didnt reply to any of them. The last one managed to sc*** two words, "Hello there xx" (which might have vaguely amused me if it were a clear Obi-Wan Kenobi reference but there is nothing on my profile to indicate to anybody I'd appreciate that) before sending me a spank a few hours later - presumably after they'd seen I'd opened their message and not responded.

I have scant incentive to reply a message from somebody not especially local to me if they're going to make me do the work to find out why they've messaged. They might just want to be friends which I'm always open to - in that instance I'm still going to want to know about a shared interest or why they think we might get along.

I don't even get these messages very often, and can only imagine how exhausting it must be for the women who sift through multiple on a daily basis.

[fe****]

People that ghost are weak and cowardly and disrespectful as well as immature

[Du****]

2 hours ago, feetmeat said:

People that ghost are weak and cowardly and disrespectful as well as immature

I think the content of this discussion proves that is simply not the case. Read all of it, you may acquire some insight which will help you feel better about yourself and others.

[Du****]

8 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Are you just saying hi, or are you giving them more to go on? It doesn't have to be everything/War And Peace (and maybe you are giving them more), but either an introduction about yourself, or something telling the person why they've caught your interest/why you're messaging them goes such a long way.

As an example, I think the most recent four "cold" messages (i.e. introductions when there has been no previous contact/communication in the forums and we don't have mutual friends or such) I've received from women here have been along the Hi/Hey line. I didnt reply to any of them. The last one managed to sc*** two words, "Hello there xx" (which might have vaguely amused me if it were a clear Obi-Wan Kenobi reference but there is nothing on my profile to indicate to anybody I'd appreciate that) before sending me a spank a few hours later - presumably after they'd seen I'd opened their message and not responded.

I have scant incentive to reply a message from somebody not especially local to me if they're going to make me do the work to find out why they've messaged. They might just want to be friends which I'm always open to - in that instance I'm still going to want to know about a shared interest or why they think we might get along.

I don't even get these messages very often, and can only imagine how exhausting it must be for the women who sift through multiple on a daily basis.

I had about a dozen “hi” or “nice feet” intro messages yesterday. Ignored the lot. Still doesn’t count as ghosting.

[CopperKnob]

Thursday at 10:38 PM, ColoShark said:

I assume that the reason most people take to ghosting someone is that they are afraid that they will receive an angry response or an argument if they simply say “I’m just not interested.” I think for the most part these ***s are unwarranted. I would appreciate being told that someone is “moving on” rather than having to wonder if something happened or if they might be waiting for something from me.

It's never unwarranted. I recently blocked someone for an unsolicited message where they attempted to involve me in their sexual fantasies. Nothing in my profile suggests I'd be interested in that, quite the contrary.
They then demanded to know the reason for the block in the forums.
They then turned to denial and gaslighting etc etc when I let them know my why for the block.
And, whilst it's not true ghosting and was online where no one really came to harm (other than their ego, given it was public, I presume), this is why we do it. To prevent the drama, to keep hold of the peace we create for ourselves.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, feetmeat said:

People that ghost are weak and cowardly and disrespectful as well as immature

other than this not entirely being true

if this is what you genuinely believe then anyone who "ghosts" you - this is clearly good, you dodged a bullet - better they "ghost" you now then get into a relationship with someone weak/cowardly/disrespectful/immature - no?

though, by this logic, if anyone is being "ghosted" by more than one or two people then if nothing else they must be a seriously poor judge in character of who they message.

[ge****]

11 hours ago, ColoShark said:

To the extent that is true (and I’m sure it is for some people) those people have no one but themselves to blame. If you simply cannot take no for an answer, you shouldn’t expect any answer at all. It’s frustrating to tell someone something - especially about my feelings or preferences- only to have them argue the point as if they might know better what I want or feel.

It doesn't really matter to what extent it's true - though it's a lot more prevalent than you appear to think - even if it were 1 in 10 men respond badly and with *** etc to rejection, it's (a) too many and (b) a recipient doesn't know which one of those ten is going to be the abusive one so you can understand why they choose not to reply.
.
I've known of many cases where someone has received a perfectly reasonable message from someone but for whatever reason have decided the person is not for them and have replied with a polite rejection only to then receive *** in response.
.
And it really does happen enough for people to be on their guard and protect themselves by not responding to all but the messages that do interest them.

[Co****]

It seems that the discussion has shifted somewhat to a discussion of people who simply don’t respond too everyone who tries to contact them. That’s not my idea of ‘ghosting’. Anyone who believes they have a right to a reply online - especially with an initial approach - is insecure and unreasonable.

[ge****]

20 hours ago, ColoShark said:

It seems that the discussion has shifted somewhat to a discussion of people who simply don’t respond too everyone who tries to contact them. That’s not my idea of ‘ghosting’. Anyone who believes they have a right to a reply online - especially with an initial approach - is insecure and unreasonable.

But that is part of the problem - in the overwhelming majority of cases the cries of "ghosting" on sites like this fall precisely into the category of "I sent someone a message and they didn't reply" - as you suggest that's not ghosting.
.
In fact I'd go so far as to say it's not ghosting unless there's an established relationship of some kind in place that has built over a period of time - and even then there are many valid reasons where someone may choose to ghost.

[Deleted Member]

20 hours ago, ColoShark said:

It seems that the discussion has shifted somewhat to a discussion of people who simply don’t respond too everyone who tries to contact them. That’s not my idea of ‘ghosting’. Anyone who believes they have a right to a reply online - especially with an initial approach - is insecure and unreasonable.

This. Ghosting means to suddenly and abruptly end a personal relationship. That is only possible when communication between the parties is consensual and established/ongoing.

[fe****]

Yesterday at 08:29 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

other than this not entirely being true

if this is what you genuinely believe then anyone who "ghosts" you - this is clearly good, you dodged a bullet - better they "ghost" you now then get into a relationship with someone weak/cowardly/disrespectful/immature - no?

though, by this logic, if anyone is being "ghosted" by more than one or two people then if nothing else they must be a seriously poor judge in character of who they message.

I'm referring to people that have chatted at a extremely lengthy time and expressed "interest" and then disappeared for no reason. Perhaps I should have mentioned that earlier but bottom line is that it is not cool to do or realistic to do in the real world let alone online. Someone who doesn't respond because you said "hi" on the first or second try online is someone I personally bypass and move on from just like in person. I stand by what I said earlier and now you have in depth clarification on it. Its entirely true otherwise it wouldn't be a topic of discussion

[Be****]

That is also another issue from my perspective . People who are ghosting consider it as a norm that they start making excuses to justify their actions and try to make themselves and others believe that their actions are not considered as ghosting.

[ey****]

31 minutes ago, feetmeat said:

I'm referring to people that have chatted at a extremely lengthy time and expressed "interest" and then disappeared for no reason.

I'm going to say, I do understand this is frustrating.  Though the reality is there is often a reason.  The reason might not be you.  That can be even more frustrating.

There are assorted scenarios I know have happened. There is one lady who I used to chat with, who was a single mother and her child was really sick.  She dropped everything site wise to focus on him - and when it was appropriate she returned to the site but found it difficult.  Like, some folk she'd been speaking to had just blocked her assuming ghosting, or moved on, and some of the others it just felt weird being "hey, sorry I disappeared for a few months" returning to abandoned conversations can be really difficult. 

And it doesn't even have to be months, returning someone's message after even a week can be difficult in a time when people are felt they have to be always available.  

Someone else I can think of fell into poor health herself and then found it difficult how many people hadn't the time for her any more.  They'd also moved on, people are disposable.

I mean, if you have two conversations on the go at once, and one person suddenly stops responding, it's natural to progress with the other - whatever the reason the first person stopped responding 

We had one person on here who thought he was being ghosted and then found out the person ghosting him had actually died.  

And in a lot of cases, there's the not knowing. We have to be OK with not knowing. 

[fe****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I'm going to say, I do understand this is frustrating.  Though the reality is there is often a reason.  The reason might not be you.  That can be even more frustrating.

There are assorted scenarios I know have happened. There is one lady who I used to chat with, who was a single mother and her child was really sick.  She dropped everything site wise to focus on him - and when it was appropriate she returned to the site but found it difficult.  Like, some folk she'd been speaking to had just blocked her assuming ghosting, or moved on, and some of the others it just felt weird being "hey, sorry I disappeared for a few months" returning to abandoned conversations can be really difficult. 

And it doesn't even have to be months, returning someone's message after even a week can be difficult in a time when people are felt they have to be always available.  

Someone else I can think of fell into poor health herself and then found it difficult how many people hadn't the time for her any more.  They'd also moved on, people are disposable.

I mean, if you have two conversations on the go at once, and one person suddenly stops responding, it's natural to progress with the other - whatever the reason the first person stopped responding 

We had one person on here who thought he was being ghosted and then found out the person ghosting him had actually died.  

And in a lot of cases, there's the not knowing. We have to be OK with not knowing. 

I understand those things being factors for anyone in life, however with the people I had these negative interactions with, it was not the case at all. They are just trash as people and have bad etiquette as far as conversation and just overall behavior as an adult. What makes it more frustrating is when you see a person that has ghosted you be engaging and active online with others or if the site offers the platform for forums like this one does, engaging on there but ignoring you. That is just inexcusable. I rather a person be up front and say they aren't interested anymore instead of be strung along and baited into a false sense of mutual interest. Its a respect factor that gets disrespected and disregarded often. People want to be respected and treated good or at very least, fair but don't and won't reciprocate that or better yet, give it first and that is a 2 way street

[Du****]

1 hour ago, feetmeat said:

I understand those things being factors for anyone in life, however with the people I had these negative interactions with, it was not the case at all. They are just trash as people and have bad etiquette as far as conversation and just overall behavior as an adult. What makes it more frustrating is when you see a person that has ghosted you be engaging and active online with others or if the site offers the platform for forums like this one does, engaging on there but ignoring you. That is just inexcusable. I rather a person be up front and say they aren't interested anymore instead of be strung along and baited into a false sense of mutual interest. Its a respect factor that gets disrespected and disregarded often. People want to be respected and treated good or at very least, fair but don't and won't reciprocate that or better yet, give it first and that is a 2 way street

Oh, no. Suddenly the reasons for everything you’re saying are made very clear. It’s regrettable that you feel hurt when someone chooses not to engage with you, but resentment of their interactions with others is absurd. I’m sorry, friend, but you have some work to do in overcoming this. You do not have “rights” to the attention of others. Be kind to yourself and let it go.

[fe****]

22 hours ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Oh, no. Suddenly the reasons for everything you’re saying are made very clear. It’s regrettable that you feel hurt when someone chooses not to engage with you, but resentment of their interactions with others is absurd. I’m sorry, friend, but you have some work to do in overcoming this. You do not have “rights” to the attention of others. Be kind to yourself and let it go.

"Hurt"? Lol no, its about respect, to be "hurt" over someone over the internet is absurd and stupid. This behavior is not accepted in the real world and should not be accepted here online and really anywhere. You come off as ver condescending in your comment and judgemental as well and totally missed my points of what I made about being ghosted. You should work on reading and comprehending things thoroughly before firing off low key insults and shots at people for expressing their thoughts and life experiences "friend"

[Ceejayuk]

I have come across as ghosting people. The thing is I'm not glued to my phone, or social media. I can get messages and not respond for a few days, not necessarily meaning to ignore people, but often I'll get a message while I'm busy, have a quick read, mean to reply later when I've actually got time, to find I've been distracted and genuinely forget to respond.
I've always had kind of a ***ter brain where if I do something, then in the middle, need to do something else I can forget what I was doing originally.
Then even with friends, I can not see some for months, then meet up and it's like no time has passed and all good.
Where as I have spoken to some subs where if your not constantly in contact several times a day, they get the hump. Even my own play partners have eventually come to understand that lack of constant communication does not mean i am not interested, its just I'm not looking at phones or social sites, I'm simply doing other things.
I also find that the older I get, time seems to fly past, so I can go days without responding without realising.
Example I recently chatted to a friend who in my head I thought I had chatted too just a couple of weeks ago to find it had been nearly two months, again though both of us were fine with the situation and the conversation just continued where we left off.

[Deleted Member]

Don’t like women who act like they are mine, use me for my *** and ghost

[le****]

I’ve been having what I thought were great conversations then go on the next morning only to be blocked. I agree. If someone tells me it’s not working I’m out. I can take the hint but stop ghosting. That’s irritating.

[re****]

I believe at some point that ghosting just isn't an accident if it's ur mutual intentions for anything real that you should make time for each other

[lo****]

Ghosting pre meet is cool with me. But not after

[pu****]

I say we're adults and there is a button to let them know that you are not interested. Also don't invite someone over and then ghost them that's a little rude